The Only Way Out is Through ("Desert Song" by My Chemical Romance)

 We'll do a full unveiling of the results of my Spotify Wrapped experiment (results: inconclusive because they changed their fucking algorithm). The next few artists and/or songs I'll be writing about were featured prominently in my Most Played lists. Among the top artists - and standing out like a sore thumb - was My Chemical Romance. Well, of course, they were there. I still have a wide-eyed dream to follow them around on tour someday. And this song - "Desert Song" - has become a particular favorite of mine this past year. This has been a helluva fucking year. There are some good things - bought a house, got a promotion, spent lots of time with family. But interlaced, there's been a lot of not-so-great things - my mom was diagnosed and treated for cancer, my paternal grandfather died, and the promotion wasn't so much of a promotion as it was a punishment for being good at my job. I've been moving at breakneck speed since this year started and this holiday season has felt like a high-speed train derailment. 

We hold in our hearts

The sword and the faith

Swelled up from the rain clouds

Move like a wraith

This song is about looking back at everything you've been through and still forging ahead with hope. When they started, the members of My Chemical Romance were going through it. Death, mental illness, addiction - it comes across in their music, but it was a dark road. And I know some people reading this may understand the feeling - wondering how you're still alive after everything, amazed you made it through life so far with the way you were living it. It's about how you carry on, even when it's hard to do.

The vocals on this track aren't pretty, but they fit the song well. Apparently, Gerard Way got wasted before recording it and tried to sing drunk. I think that's pretty obvious during certain parts, where the words get slurred together. In spite of its flaws, though, the emotion comes through and is what makes this song hit so hard. It's sad but there's parts that sound hopeful and wistful. The most hopeful lyric, to me, is "I can see you anytime in my head." It hints at just the right amount of delusion needed to get through a tough day. There's rumors that Way wrote it when he was suicidal and I can hear that. Sometimes, I lay on the floor of my bedroom, imagining the blood running out, this song playing in my head. The real thing isn't an option because 1) it scares me (as it should) and 2) I could never do that to my children. But still, when I'm pretending, the biggest emotion I feel is relief. That's when I realize I'm just really tired (you can hear that in the song, too), pick myself off the floor and go wash my face.

Well after all, we'll lie another day

And through it all, we'll find some other way

To carry on through cartilage and fluid

And did you come to stare or wash away the blood?

I saw a pithy Instagram quote recently that I've found comforting in these troubled times: "If you're going through Hell, keep going." Attributed to Winston Churchill, most likely trying to pacify the British public as they were being relentlessly bombed by the Nazis. It reminds me of something I wrote once - thoughts from a long-forgotten character who was trying to run from her Fate (or at least, her Fate as I had written it). She's trying to run away from some G-men types who were trying to take her away but she's stuck in her house. I'll summarize, because I don't remember exactly what I wrote, but....do me a favor, and fill in the details with the best writing you can imagine a 20-year-old putting down on paper.

Summary:  A girl encounters suited goons on the threshold of her door. Her parents stand outside, useless, complicit. The only way out is in. She runs inside her house but there's nowhere to go. They follow her. She sees the staircase. The only way out is up. She runs up the staircase, but again, there's nowhere to go. She runs to her room and looks around frantically. Her eyes fall on the window. The only way out is death. She makes to jump out the window but the men get to her before she can. As they are frog-marching her out of her house, to a nondescript black SUV, her mind calms. The only way out is through.

What kind of story was I writing? It was a dystopian novel, about a girl (yes, a girl - she's a teenager when the story starts) who is taken to serve the whims of an authoritarian government. You know - typical early 2000s concerns. I want to say she overcomes and overthrows said tyrannical government, but I know teenaged girls who rebel in such environments usually end up dead. It's funny - all my characters now are considerably more grown, mid-to-late 20s. Maybe even early 30s. Not old, but not so naïve anymore. So how do they end up in the story? Why are they the main character and not someone smarter, younger, more full of life? They aren't the Chosen One, just the one that chose to be there, for better or worse. Moral of the story - choose to be the one that shows up, no matter how crazy the journey becomes. 

Well tonight, will it ever come?

Spend the rest of your days rockin' out just for the dead

Well tonight, will it ever come?

I can see you awake anytime in my head

All fall down, well after all

Every once in a while lately, I'll feel this aching deep in my chest. And I know what it is. It's loneliness. Being the romantic I am, I like to imagine, as I look out my window over the desert, beyond the mountains, past the pecan trees shedding their leaves, there's someone out there listening to this song, feeling the same wretched ache. There's a yearning to be known embodied in this song. To be seen, to be heard. To not be forgotten. All the trials the band went through together, all the hardship and rejection one must face as an artist - whether it be music or writing or any other type of artistic expression - is summed up in one lyric. Will it ever come? This could be talking about death, but I think most people think of it in the context of the things they want most in their lives. Success, companionship, wealth. And in the depths of their despair, the doubt comes rolling in like a thunderstorm. Is it all worth it? It may not be, but in order to make it worth it, you have to go through these doldrums to come through the other side.

Sorry for the melancholic, discombobulated post right before Christmas. I've been going through a lot of feelings, mostly because I've been stressed out at work and at home. It doesn't really feel like Christmas to me this year - very similar to how I felt in 2020. It's just been one of those years that I'm a little shocked to see I've made it through. That we've made it through. (Congratulations, by the way.) I've heard similar sentiments from other people, from work and in my pole classes....2023 can fuck all the way off. Am I optimistic about 2024? Eh, not really, but there's reasons behind that which I'll go into at another time. Regardless, I hope you have a Merry Christmas!

Footnote:  I highly recommend the latest episode of The Astrology Podcast. It's about Saturn in each of the signs and the music that comes out during each Saturn transit. Not surprisingly, a lot of emo music (including this song and the album it should've been on..."Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge") came out during Saturn in Cancer. Saturn in Cancer also had a lot of music inspired by mother figures, and it's interesting to note that the song that put MCR into the mainstream was "Helena," which was about Gerard and Mikey Way's grandmother. There is so much astrological and music goodness in this episode, so definitely check it out!

"Desert Song" Video

"Cubicles" by My Chemical Romance

 As stated in the previous post, I went to go see My Chemical Romance last month. It was amazing, thanks for asking. I loved it so much that I hope I get to see them perform again one day. Maybe with someone who also loves them as much as I do (not that I didn't enjoy the time with my husband). Part of me would honestly like to follow MCR around the country going to their shows but I know that's not realistic. I have responsibilities and I think the desire stems from the on-going grief I feel knowing that I'm not young enough to do something like that anymore. Ironically, the thing that shocked me most about the concert was how many young people (i.e., Gen-Z folks) were at the concert. My coworker is going to the "When We Were Young" festival in Las Vegas this weekend (yes, I'm super jealous). I was looking at the line-up and, indeed, it was basically the dream festival I had always imagined as a teenager. MCR, Paramore, Ice Nine Kills, Black Veil Brides, AFI, Dashboard Confessional, All-American Rejects.....the gang's all gonna be there! For reference, my coworker is 25. He was literally like 5 years old when most of these bands were popular and, at most, 10 years old when they faded out. Youth is wasted on the young.

I have this habit of treating a lot of things like I'm studying for a test. Like if I don't do things exactly perfect, it won't match my vision of how things should be, and everything will be ruined. Another thing I'm working on. I tend to go from one hyper-fixation to the next in this way. Or rather, I indulge myself with a little obsession, which I like to believe prevents me from diving wholly into crazy territory. With a goal or a deadline, I only go so far into the rabbit hole. Thus, in preparation for this concert - a concert I've been waiting for approximately half of my life - I listened through MCR's entire repertoire (or, at least, as much of it is available on Spotify). This process reunited me with old favorites, to be sure - favorites I still listen to fairly frequently, if I'm being honest. This process also re-introduced me to songs I didn't fully identify with when I was younger that I now understand deeply, in a way that is only possible with age and experience. One of those songs being (obviously) "Cubicles."

They didn't play this song during the concert but I'm not surprised. The set list was mostly songs from "Fabulous Killjoys" and "Black Parade," with only a smattering of the most popular songs from the earlier albums, a few B-sides and later singles. Makes sense....those two albums were released at the height of their popularity. But I personally prefer the older stuff - it is less polished, considerably darker and more melancholy. Don't get me wrong - I love it all. But the songs that changed (and, in some cases, saved) my life were on "I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love" and "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge." This song is from "I Brought You My Bullets," which, for some reason, reminds me of Autumn. I associate the main MCR albums with seasons - "Black Parade" is obviously Winter, "Fabulous Killjoys" reminds me of Summer, and I guess that means "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge" would be Spring. Don't ask me why. It's probably because of the coloring of the album covers and the general aesthetic for each of the releases. I'm rambling now. Old age, you know. Give an old lady some grace.

It's the tearing sound of love-notes

Coming out these rusted windows

And the view outside is sterile

And I'm only two cubes down

A photocopy all the things that we could be

If you took the time to notice me

But you can't now, I don't blame you

And it's not your fault that no one ever does

Let's talk about "Cubicles." On the surface, the singer is lamenting that his work crush has gotten another job and left. Ultimately, though, it's about the depth of loneliness one feels after the loss of connection, even if the potential of that connection was tenuous or merely imagined to be there. We tend to grow attached to the people we're around the most and now, especially in early adulthood, we often spend most of our time around our coworkers and classmates. It's natural to form attachments to and crushes on them. It's psychological - our survival depends on the people we spend the most time with so our brain associates positive feelings with them (even if the actual relationship is not particularly enjoyable). As someone who often feels like I'm always the one who feels the connection deeper and becomes more attached, I understand this song on so many levels. There's the obvious layer of unrequited love (which the singer may or may not have admitted to their person), which is a difficult situation. Although, given life perspective, I don't think it's as bad as being in a relationship that is abusive or where you feel trapped. I've always been able to get over unrequited love, which isn't really love if you don't know the person that well. In fact, it's possible the crush wouldn't turn into love at all if they had a chance to be with the object of their affection. Getting to know someone always dashes the fantasy of who they are and who they could be. Disappointment has ultimately been harder to move on from than rejection. But maybe that's the situation here - maybe he was close with his work crush. Maybe they were even friends, good friends, best friends....at least, in his mind, they were. And then they left this job and completely stopped communicating with the singer. Not only does it ruin his hopes of what they could've grown into but also puts into stark reality exactly how much whatever friendship existed was valued. And that's where the disappointment comes in. When you realize you don't mean as much to the other person as they mean to you, even though it seemed mutual when you were in the midst of it. And yet, you still have to see reminders of them everywhere. Like old Teams messages or references to something they said in an email. Or seeing their name on slide decks and glimpses of their face in pictures of the last office party, stashed away on a shared drive. A cruel joke of corporate romance.

But you don't work here anymore

It's just a vacant three by four

And they might fill your place

A temporary stand-in for your face

This happens all the time

And I can't help but think I'll die alone

In the song, he laments that, sometimes, he thinks he'll die alone. By the end of the song, it doesn't sound like such a tragic option. The lyrics change to "I think I'd love to die alone." Yeah, that doesn't sound so bad. I've come to realize that I don't mind being alone as much as I used to. I like my own company. I'm a pretty awesome person....way more interesting than most people I meet. And I'm not great at small talk. I've only been at this job for about 8 months and I only recently started feeling like I formed casual friendships with my coworkers. It struck me how slow this process has been but maybe it's supposed to be. I've only been going to my pole studio for about 6 months and I'm gradually becoming a fixture. I've met most of the teachers and they all recognize my face when I show up to class. I have people I chat with when I go to class - maybe I'm not as close with them as with my first group of pole sisters, but we're getting there. It's a very different dynamic between the main social circles of my life. There was a time when the only social interaction I got was at work - when that's the case, it's easy to get overly attached to the people there. That's the bullshit workplaces are trying to pull, right? You're family here! No, no you're not. It's an act of rebellion to have a vibrant life outside your work, outside your home, outside the tiny little boxes society has built for us. It's nice to say I do something other than watch TV when I'm outside work. It's a good thing that my career is no longer all that I am.

So I'll spend my time with strangers

A condition, and it's terminal

In this water-cooler romance

And its coming to a close

We could be in the park and dancing by a tree

Kicking over blades we see

Or a dark beach with a black view

As pin-pricks in the velvet catch our fall

I'm gradually learning not to be so attached to people. That the best relationships in my life took years to form, not months. Over the summer, I got to meet up with my best friend from high school multiple times. It was amazing to talk to someone who knew so much of my history and still understood so much of who I am, even though we had several years to catch up on. I've been on a walk down memory lane much of the past few months, honoring my inner teenager, because I never really got to enjoy that time of my life. I was stuck in survival mode for most of it, and the things that got me through it were the aforementioned best friend, music, writing, reading, and performing. Not surprisingly, the Sun, Mercury, and Venus have been transiting Libra, my 5th House where my South Node is located. The 5th House is associated with Leisure, Fun, Childhood, Creativity, Love, and Play. These themes have been very present in my life and it's been a period of trying to get back to those things, the things that bring me joy and happiness, especially in terms of my relationships (both with self and others). It's been an area of life that has been out-of-balance for a while, so I'm trying to let the scales do their work.

Just (just)
Take (take)
I think I'd love to die
Me (me)
Down (down)
I think I'd love to die
Just (just)
Take (take)
I think I'd love to die
Me (me)
Down (down)
I think I'd love to die alone

The Universe agrees and has been sending me signs. A few memorable ones - pulling out of pole class and stopping behind a truck with a license plate that said "DREAMBIGG." I tried to take a picture but it turned out blurry (and I'm sure the driver thought I was crazy...which I am). Another time, a few weeks ago, I was at the gate for work and the car next to me was a Mini-Cooper with a license plate that said "ZIIPPY." Sometimes a license plate is just a license plate.

As you may already know, Taylor Swift's new album, "Midnights," dropped at (you guessed it!) midnight today. I'll eventually get around to listening it but you know how I like to slowly discover my T-Swift gems. But it's just one more thing to look forward to. Happy Friday!

"Cubicles" Video

"Bulletproof Heart" by My Chemical Romance

 Well, I was supposed to be in Houston yesterday to attend a My Chemical Romance concert, a stop during their Reunion Tour. At the time I bought the tickets (which are worth every penny), I didn't know I was pregnant and I wasn't expecting COVID-19 to spiral into a worldwide pandemic that would put concerts and other large gathering on hold for more than a year. As it stands, it's very possible I might've gone into labor at the concert, so I'm super happy that it's been postponed until September 2021. By that time, I will definitely not be pregnant, Baby Brother will be old enough to be left with a babysitter, and maybe the world will be in a better place when it comes to the pandemic. That last one is probably wishful thinking but anything could happen in another year.

Gravity don't mean too much to me

I'm who I've got to be

These pigs are after me, after you

Run away like it was yesterday

And we could run away

If we could run away

Run away from here

For the past year or so, I've been reacquainting myself with My Chemical Romance's body of work. I stopped listening incessantly after "The Black Parade." Not because I didn't like the album - some of my favorite MCR songs are on it - but just because I moved to a different place in my life. As such, I'm not as familiar with their fourth concept album - "Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys." It's based on a limited comic book series that Gerard Way wrote about a group of rebels living in a post-apocalyptic world. I know. It seems extremely apt for our current times. Also, just to make the MCR/Gerard Way immersion complete, I've been watching "The Umbrella Academy" on Netflix, which is also brilliant. At some point, I'll buy the graphic novel, but I'm enjoying the show so far. I'm not too far into it yet - I'm trying to save it for those late nights with Baby Brother. And another season of Sabrina is on the way, too. I've said it once and I'll say it again - this kid has timing.

Hold your heart into this darkness

Will it ever be the light to shine you out

Or fail and leave you stranded

Or are you gonna be the one left standing?

You're gonna be the one left standing

You're gonna be the one left standing

Back to the song, Gerard Way said it was about the romantic notion of leaving behind small town life for something bigger. In his words, "It's a fictional, metaphorical song really, but one about leaving home and running away – about doing whatever you can to run away." It's a song about taking your life into your own hands and not looking back. And ignoring what others say about what you should do. It takes a stance that people who listen to everyone else's shoulds and oughttas never experience true freedom. This is in line with the plot of "The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys." The villain in the comics is a corporation called Better Living Industries whose goal is to "strip citizens of their individuality." And, holy shit, if that isn't a message for today, I don't know what is. Better living through consumerism, you're happier if you just do what you're told. The heroine is simply named The Girl and she has a simple choice - join the mindless masses or go her own way and inspire others to break free. If you're familiar with the cult classic, "Tank Girl" starring Lori Petty, it's clear a lot of inspiration (as well as the aesthetic) was pulled from the movie.

Gravity don't mean too much to me
Is this our destiny?
This world is after me, after you

On a somewhat related note, I regret signing up for a baby registry. Boxes keep showing up and I'm just like, "I can do without most of this shit....what happened to trying to downsize?" For the past year, I've been trying to limit my purchases to things that truly bring me joy or are things I actually need. I've been trying to avoid not to buy too much mass-produced shit from Amazon and actively purchase items that are sustainably produced (and don't have any slave labor in their production chain, which is harder than it sounds). I fucked that up horribly by setting up a baby registry. My punishment has been trying to recycle all the boxes when they only pick up recycling once a week and trying to find places to store all the baby stuff. Apparently, I have been "nesting" according to the Internet but it comes in bursts. Some moments, I will absolutely need to clean something because it's driving me crazy and I can't think of anything else; other times, I want to clean but I'm too exhausted. I'm almost there, just a week (maybe two) more.

"Bulletproof Heart" Video

"The Ghost of You" by My Chemical Romance

I was talking to my coworker a couple days ago and he was asking me about how my pregnancy is going. I told him when I was due, which reminded me that I'm due almost exactly two weeks after the My Chemical Romance concert I bought tickets for. Mind you, I bought them before I found out I was pregnant. And before we all knew how bad this pandemic was going to be (and it looks like we've all resigned ourselves to it being worse than it had to be). In preparation for this concert, I've been trying to catch up on all MCR's albums and get familiar with the songs that came out when I stopped listening to them so much. Like everyone, I got into MCR after the release of "Three Cheers for Sweet Romance." This was the second studio album for the band and - fun fact - we very recently passed the 16th anniversary of its release (on 8 June). I've taken to listening to music while I'm taking a shower on the weekends (I usually can't do that most days because I'm taking a shower at like 4am). This album got me through a lot of hard times - moving my senior year of high school, a rough relationship with my mom, and starting university with all my various hangups and insecurities. True, I started listening to MCR because I thought Gerard Way was hot and I like the aesthetics, but I stayed because they created truly great music. Only bands who created truly great music can launch a reunion tour and get so much enthusiasm back. Especially bands that were popular in the early 2000s - as we've discussed, the early 2000s was a rough time for music.

I never said I'd lie and wait forever

If I died we'd be together

I can't always just forget her

But she could try

So what is unique about MCR's music that makes them stand out amongst the dozens of emo bands that arose during that time period? First, they didn't just embrace a dark aesthetic - they embodied it. Their songs were extremely deep and dealt with painful topics - suicidal thoughts, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, lost loves, and just generally feeling like a freak. A lot of these bands were fronted-by (and/or were completely composed of) what I deemed "pretty boys." MCR was not. Don't get me wrong, the guys were attractive but it was obvious they were no strangers to the punk/goth aesthetic and this was a result of having a really difficult time in high school. Gerard Way was a pull for many teenage girls, like myself, but when he was in high school, he was bullied. He was the weird, chubby kid who was always drawing dark comics. All the things Ray Toro listed in the beginning of the "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" video, that was Gerard Way in a nutshell. Moving on, the second thing that makes the music unique is, not only did they know how to play their instruments, they knew how to play them well. There's a level of complexity in MCR songs that you just don't see in other punk/emo music. These guys aren't just playing the same four chords. They wanted the music to be dramatic, operatic storytelling, a perspective they learned from early influences like David Bowie and Queen. In addition to that, they understood the power of visuals - not just in the album artwork but also in the lyrics. Finally, they weren't afraid to add things to the music that weren't necessarily "pretty" - weird vocals, nonsensical drum and guitar solos, and even unusual musical styles (like bringing in Western-style tropes for multiple songs on "Three Cheers") were a normal part of their repertoire. As a result, almost every MCR song feels and sounds unique. From the start, it was clear they weren't manufactured and that was one of the biggest draws for fans.

Ever

Get the feeling that you're never

All alone and I remember now

At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies

She dies

I was listening to "The Ghost of You" in the shower and was thinking about it, what it reminds me of. The video for this song takes place during WWII, on D-Day. The story in the video is especially sad, because Mikey dies (Mikey and Gerard are brothers). However, I think they took a lot of their inspiration from "Saving Private Ryan," where the whole point is to prevent the last brother in a family from dying in WWII, and wiping out an entire family line. Taking the WWII thing a step further, I started thinking of one of my favorite Marvel superheroes - Captain America - which started into a rant about how he embodies the master archetype of evolved Cancerian energy. When I started thinking about that, I started noting how many heroes are Cancers. This isn't a coincidence - artists and writers aren't just like "this guys should be born in July." There is something powerful about this archetype that draws people towards it. It's also a very polarizing energy - you either love it or hate it - and Cancer, along with Geminis and Scorpios (Yay! My Big 3...), get probably the most hate among people who don't understand how astrology works. I'll explore this at a later date, probably closer to my birthday, and I specifically wanted to use Steve Rogers as the example. Bringing that back around, I started thinking about Captain America because this song embodies his relationship with Peggy Carter. They don't even get to have a first date and explore the connection they have because the mission comes first. They are separated for decades and, even though he tries to move on, he just can't. But that doesn't stop him from doing what he needs to do to save the world. Once the mission is over, ::Spoiler Alert:: he uses the first opportunity he gets to go back to her and give her the life they both deserved together.

At the end of the world

Or the last thing I see

You are

Never coming home

Never coming home

Could I

Should I

And all the things that you never ever told me

And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me

Never coming home

Never coming home

Could I

Should I

I meant to write this earlier but I slept all day yesterday. Or sort of slept - a lot of the time was spent lying there, trying to will myself to move but failing. Wanting to be held but not knowing how to ask for it. I only got up because I remembered that I should probably eat because I hadn't eaten all day and that isn't good for the baby. That seems like the only reason I've been eating lately. If I wasn't pregnant, I probably wouldn't be eating at all to be honest. I just don't feel like it most days and if I try to eat, I can't bring myself to eat as much as I normally would. I didn't want to laze about all day but I thought to myself "it's okay...for one day, it's okay to give in." I don't feel much better today but I am writing so that's a start. That's the good thing - I still have flashes of inspiration, where these beautiful sentences will come in my head. And I'll have enough energy to write them down or text them to myself. That's one thing that's been really remarkable about this time - I'm thinking and writing more clearly than I ever have. I'm actually able to translate the swirls of information in my head into something coherent and somewhat creative. I've written some surprisingly beautiful things in the past few weeks - I thought they were shit at the time but when I re-read them, I realize they're actually pretty good. Almost like I'm not the one who wrote them. But I did. I miss my sisters a lot, especially my older sister. Luckily, she set up a family chat for today, so I'm looking forward to that. That's just how it's going to be for now - keep holding on for that next thing that brings me joy. Push through and keep writing, even when it sounds like mud in my head.

"The Ghost of You" Video

"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" by My Chemical Romance

I've been extra emo lately. I'm blaming Scorpio season and accepting that the Sun is activating the shit out of my natal Moon. Therefore, I'm making a conscious choice to lean in and be super "Moon in Scorpio" for - basically - the rest of my life. For example, I've decided Sabrina the Teenage Witch is my new aesthetic, so the only things I plan to wear in 2020 will be black pencil skirts and red blouses. Okay....maybe the tiniest bit of plaid but it will be very tasteful. I've also decided I'm going to delve back into my creepy side, because I've let it lie dormant for a long time. I've got a lot of dark and twisty TV shows (BTW Ellen Pompeo, aka Meredith Grey, Honored Master of being dark and twisty, is a Scorpio), movies, and books that I've re-prioritized to be at the top of my media intake. And I've been listening to the "Hot Rods & Horror Shows" playlist on Spotify, which is mostly of the emo and psychobilly persuasion. Obviously, been listening to a lot of My Chemical Romance and other bands with a similar sound, and I've been playing one particular song on repeat lately that I'm in love with. Unfortunately, it doesn't fit the theme for this month because it doesn't have an official video, so maybe next month. I'm definitely feeling a push for a new beginning of sorts but that could be because 2020 is around the corner. I've been hit by another wave of inspiration for some new writing projects - in particular, a short story about a Magician and his Assistant, which I plan to start after Mercury Spookygrade.

Speaking of My Chemical Romance, they announced today that they'd be reuniting for a Reunion Tour - and my inner 17-year-old emo girl jumped for joy! If they announce an US dates, I'm definitely going to find a way to get to that (if it is at all humanly possible), mostly because it might be my only chance to see them live. It's almost like they knew I needed them right now. I know it may sound lame but MCR got me through some of the roughest years of my life. Rough enough that I'm surprised that I made it through. To be honest, I almost didn't. Lately, it feels like we're on redux. I think that's the thing I love most about MCR - because Gerard Way's lyrics reflected an inner world I was intimately familiar with. Overly dramatic, hopelessly romantic in the darkest sense, and passionate in a quiet way that others didn't understand and were overwhelmed when I revealed it. These past few days that I've been rediscovering their old albums, it only confirmed what I knew instinctively as a teenager. That they create genuinely brilliant music and that's why the entire Internet is fucking excited about an MCR reunion tour. Gerard Way is now living his best life, with his own solo music career and success as a comic book illustrator (he's the creator of "The Umbrella Academy," now a Netflix show - it's on my list), but it wasn't always like that. In high school, he was the weird, quiet kid who drew disturbing scribbles during class. He was a loner, and people he was friends with in childhood (one in particular) became popular and started to treat him like he was weird and different. That's what "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" is about. It hurts for this to happen at any age, but it always seems especially devastating when you're a teenager. To find someone who you think gets you only to have them push you away. When, even though they won't say it, their actions make it clear that they don't want you in their life anymore. It hurts but, in these situations, it's best to just let them push you away.

Well, if you wanted honesty

That's all you had to say

I never want to let you down

Or have you go, it's better off this way

For all the dirty looks

The photographs your boyfriend took

Remember when you broke your foot

From jumping out the second floor?

The video concept for "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" is a mock trailer. The introduction is Ray Toro listing all the reasons that Gerard Way kind of sucks. This part is amazing because, among the reasons why Gerard Way is "never gonna make it," he likes Audrey Hepburn, Fangoria, and croquet, and he doesn't know karate. I don't know about you but all those reasons are why he'd be at the top of my "gotta be friends with this guy" list. Although, it would be kinda awesome if he knew karate. Whatever. I stand by my statement. Moving on, the movie that the band is pretending to be in is your basic "Not Another Teen Movie"-type film - where the geek gets the girl (a trope that always makes me giddily happy to the point where I squeal). Obviously, the movie promises an epic showdown between the Weirdos (MCR, wielding croquet mallets, naturally) and the Jocks (with hockey sticks and those other sticks they use in lacrosse - I have no idea what they're called but I think we can deduce that MCR chose the better weapon). Before the bridge, they have that typical romantic scene where you know the two unlikely lovers are going to kiss. They flip this trope on its head by making it awkward, where Frank Iero actually does remove an eyelash from the girl's eye and then wipes his finger on her sleeve (gross! I don't know why but gross!) before walking away. Because boys really are stupid like that. You'll be just standing there, thinking "kiss me, loser, before I fucking go home" and they'll be like "goodnight!" You definitely aren't going to get laid if you can't read the room. And in between all the typical shenanigans, they have that stereotypical trailer text that's supposed to make it suspenseful but is really just annoying. And, because it is a music video, it does show the band actually performing but that's spliced with all the rest of the chaos that is going on, which allows it to maintain it's trailer-like quality.

What will it take to show you

That it's not the life it seems? (I'm not okay)

I've told you time and time again

You sing the words but don't know what it means (I'm not okay)

To be a joke and look

Another line without a hook

I held you close as we both shook

For the last time, take a good hard look

That's the basic description of what's happening in the video. Now, I'm going to tell you why that's a perfect visualization for the story the lyrics tell. When you're a highly imaginative teenager (and I'm speaking from experience), you have a tendency to picture your own life as a movie. A movie where you're the star, of course. Unfortunately, life isn't a movie and doesn't follow your typical plot rules. The people you meet don't fit perfectly within a single archetype or trope, because humans are complicated. The timeline is always off somehow, like nothing was planned before you started shooting. The costumes are cheap and ill-fitting. It feels like you'll never reach the climax of the film, because it's just one conflict after another. You see where I'm going with this? Life is messy and incoherent, which is why films have script writers and scene editors - to cut out all the complicated, boring stuff so that we only see the parts that make sense. If a teenager (or a teen-at-heart) were to make a movie trailer of their actual life, it would be much like this video. The scenes seem related but might not even be from the same movie. The perspective keeps switching, so you're not sure who is the main character (one would assume Gerard Way but Frank Iero gets all the dynamic scenes). And what you expect to happen doesn't always happen, like awkward almost-kisses or getting punched in the face when you ace a test. And there'd be a lot of cut scenes of you reaching for your inhaler or spinning in a chair, all the shit that you hope people don't see. And the reasoning behind the individual plot points will probably be sketchy, at best. We have no idea what happened prior to the showdown in the hallway - MCR might've just decided to beat the shit out of some Chads with croquet mallets. Was it justified? Sure, but not in a "cause and effect" sort of way, more like a "fuck anybody named Chad" sort of way. Sorry Chad. I'm sure you're a good person, whoever you are.

In summation, the only thing we have control over in the movie of our life is the soundtrack, so make it a good one.

"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" Video

"Helena (So Long and Goodnight)" by My Chemical Romance

This weekend has been rough and I haven't really had a chance to write because I have family in town. I almost feel like phoning it in but...it's My Chemical Romance. And My Chemical Romance got me through some of my darkest days. I think I've said that before. I forgot how much I love their old stuff (i.e., the first three albums). I haven't really listened to their more recent music but I enjoyed Gerard Way's solo album. But, then again, I love Gerard Way so that was going to happen anyway.

MCR has a few songs from their first album that are vampire-esque and maybe I'll go back to them later in the month. "Helena" was probably the first song I heard by My Chemical Romance, but it was really the video that got me. Honestly, it was Gerard Way. I saw his long black hair, hazel green eyes, pallid skin and thought, "My God! He's magnificent!" I still think he's rather attractive. I should write a Netflix original - "To All the Goth Boys I've Loved Before."

Besides that, MCR had that aesthetic/sound I was yearning for as a teenage girl. Hopelessly romantic but desperately dark at the same time. Maybe those are the same things. Yep, you can probably see where I'm gonna go with the lyrics interpretation.

Can you hear me?

Are you near me?

Can we pretend to leave and then

We'll meet again

When both our cars collide

Gerard Way wrote "Helena" as a tribute to his and Mikey's late grandmother. After she died, he became very depressed and started drinking a lot. He had a lot a guilt about not being around for her when she was alive. The song is an open apology for everything he didn't do for a woman that was so special to him. "Helena" was also the first single from MCR's second album, "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge." I consider "Three Cheers" as the halfway point of MCR's progression to a full concept album. The first album, "I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love," was pretty much a normal album with songs that weren't really related. "Three Cheers" hinted at a love story, the "Demolition Lovers," which was a re-imagining of the tragic tale of Bonnie & Clyde, but some songs didn't exactly fit into the narrative. Finally, "The Black Parade" was a full concept album, with all songs being sung from the perspective of "The Patient," a dying man examining his life before he succumbs to terminal cancer.

Now, for my interpretation of "Helena," it's a song that always reminded me of the Beautiful Sad Girl movie trope. In male-written indie films, there's always two kinds of girls that the narrator runs into - the Manic Pixie Dream Girl, the perfect girl that reminds the protagonist that he needs to experience life and take risks. And then, there's the Beautiful Sad Girl (and variants, the Fragile Flower or the Broken Bird) - the depressed girl who is so beautiful that it makes the protagonist feel like he must be really something special if he makes her smile. Both of these girls only exist so that the protagonist can reach self-actualization. Then, he can finally move on and leave her to her Fate. For the Beautiful Sad Girl, she almost always kills herself. Like Lux Lisbon in "The Virgin Suicides" - for one brief, shining moment, she thinks she's overcome the darkness when she falls in love with the most handsome boy in school, Trip Fontaine. Then he fucks her and leaves her alone on the football field, which is just the beginning of the end for poor Lux (and her sisters). I really like her name though - if I had a daughter, that's one of the names I would like to name her (unfortunately, The Husband thinks it's weird and if he knew the origin story, there's no way in Hell he'd allow it). Anyway, the first time I heard "Helena," that's who I thought she was. The singer's True Love, who took her life too soon, for unknown reasons. And he's sad because he cannot join her now but maybe in the next life.

Sorry for the ranting. I just got started and everything just flowed. It didn't even take that long to write, if I'm being honest. In retrospect, "Helena" isn't really a Halloween song, per say, but it is about death and the video is sufficiently dark and creepy that I think you'll allow it.

"Helena" Video

"Headfirst for Halos" by My Chemical Romance

::DISCLAIMER:: I am going to get super personal. This post is about suicidal thoughts....and how they are temporary. I promise. ::END DISCLAIMER::

As you may already know, Anthony Bourdain died today. I was a little more upset than I realized I would be. I love his writing. Sure, it was a tad melodramatic and he used way too many adjectives, but it sounded good. He had what I would consider my "dream job," which is traveling all over the place, eating amazing (and not-so-amazing) food, hanging out with a zillion interesting people, and writing about it all. A professional adventurer, of sorts. That's the thing. You can look like a million bucks and seem like you're having a great time but still feel like you're dying inside. And that's okay....because, trust me, it gets better.

With all the high profile suicides happening, I want to talk to you, dear reader, who may not feel as important as the rock stars and fashion designers and chefs on the news, but you are. Absolutely, without a doubt, you are. Here comes the personal part (which is kind of scary to share but no one reads this stupid blog so fuck it) - I tried to drown myself when I was 15. Sure....kind of an ineffective method since I'm an excellent swimmer. But the water was close to freezing because it was January and after I jumped, I just sank. The water was so cold, my muscles seized up so when I realized I didn't really want to die, I had to fight to get to the surface because my body and my clothes and my heart felt like lead. But I lived and that's the last time I honestly tried. I was lucky but other methods are much more permanent. And a lot more painful and difficult to come back from if you change your mind at the last second. I'm not saying I haven't been self-destructive since that incident. I had to go through years of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (through the free resources at my university), which helped me recover from my eating disorder and the dark thoughts I had from time to time. And when I was in school for Psychology, I tried to use my experience to help others suffering from similar problems. I'm very proud to say that I've prevented a few people from killing themselves, at least during that particular moment. It's draining but it's worth it.

In suicide prevention training, they told me not to tell the person to think of the lives they'll leave behind. You know why? Because you should be living for yourself, not anyone else. You deserve to be happy and that's not selfish. It may take some time to figure out your reason to live - and maybe it is for the people in your life. My son is the number one reason why I don't even consider it anymore. Because I love him and I want to be with him for as long as I can. But that may not be true for you and that's okay. It's okay to just exist for a while and to take some alone time. And it's absolutely okay to talk about it and get help. That's the most important thing. Tell someone, like me or your mom or your best friend or a therapist, because they care. I care....I really do. Probably too much, but I do. And I hope sharing my story helps someone out there.

If you are considering suicide, stop and call someone. Like the National Suicide Prevention Hotline  - 1-800-273-8255, URL: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/. They are available 24/7 and you can even chat with someone online now, if phone calls make you anxious (I used to get really anxious before calling someone....still do sometimes, but not as bad). You're not alone.

Okay, now that the serious part is over, I want to share a song that I listened to a lot when I was down. It's chipper but it's dark. Like Gerard Way could read my brain when he was writing it. The song reminds me of Peter Pan, because the end is just him repeating the phrase "Think Happy Thoughts" over and over and over. And that helped. It really did. Like a mantra, of sorts. The song is about Gerard Way's struggles with bipolar disorder. I don't have bipolar disorder but I can relate. Geez, I forgot how much I loved MCR - I'm going to re-discover all their music now. The video is just the song with the album artwork.