"The Ghost of You" by My Chemical Romance

I was talking to my coworker a couple days ago and he was asking me about how my pregnancy is going. I told him when I was due, which reminded me that I'm due almost exactly two weeks after the My Chemical Romance concert I bought tickets for. Mind you, I bought them before I found out I was pregnant. And before we all knew how bad this pandemic was going to be (and it looks like we've all resigned ourselves to it being worse than it had to be). In preparation for this concert, I've been trying to catch up on all MCR's albums and get familiar with the songs that came out when I stopped listening to them so much. Like everyone, I got into MCR after the release of "Three Cheers for Sweet Romance." This was the second studio album for the band and - fun fact - we very recently passed the 16th anniversary of its release (on 8 June). I've taken to listening to music while I'm taking a shower on the weekends (I usually can't do that most days because I'm taking a shower at like 4am). This album got me through a lot of hard times - moving my senior year of high school, a rough relationship with my mom, and starting university with all my various hangups and insecurities. True, I started listening to MCR because I thought Gerard Way was hot and I like the aesthetics, but I stayed because they created truly great music. Only bands who created truly great music can launch a reunion tour and get so much enthusiasm back. Especially bands that were popular in the early 2000s - as we've discussed, the early 2000s was a rough time for music.

I never said I'd lie and wait forever

If I died we'd be together

I can't always just forget her

But she could try

So what is unique about MCR's music that makes them stand out amongst the dozens of emo bands that arose during that time period? First, they didn't just embrace a dark aesthetic - they embodied it. Their songs were extremely deep and dealt with painful topics - suicidal thoughts, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, lost loves, and just generally feeling like a freak. A lot of these bands were fronted-by (and/or were completely composed of) what I deemed "pretty boys." MCR was not. Don't get me wrong, the guys were attractive but it was obvious they were no strangers to the punk/goth aesthetic and this was a result of having a really difficult time in high school. Gerard Way was a pull for many teenage girls, like myself, but when he was in high school, he was bullied. He was the weird, chubby kid who was always drawing dark comics. All the things Ray Toro listed in the beginning of the "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" video, that was Gerard Way in a nutshell. Moving on, the second thing that makes the music unique is, not only did they know how to play their instruments, they knew how to play them well. There's a level of complexity in MCR songs that you just don't see in other punk/emo music. These guys aren't just playing the same four chords. They wanted the music to be dramatic, operatic storytelling, a perspective they learned from early influences like David Bowie and Queen. In addition to that, they understood the power of visuals - not just in the album artwork but also in the lyrics. Finally, they weren't afraid to add things to the music that weren't necessarily "pretty" - weird vocals, nonsensical drum and guitar solos, and even unusual musical styles (like bringing in Western-style tropes for multiple songs on "Three Cheers") were a normal part of their repertoire. As a result, almost every MCR song feels and sounds unique. From the start, it was clear they weren't manufactured and that was one of the biggest draws for fans.

Ever

Get the feeling that you're never

All alone and I remember now

At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies

She dies

I was listening to "The Ghost of You" in the shower and was thinking about it, what it reminds me of. The video for this song takes place during WWII, on D-Day. The story in the video is especially sad, because Mikey dies (Mikey and Gerard are brothers). However, I think they took a lot of their inspiration from "Saving Private Ryan," where the whole point is to prevent the last brother in a family from dying in WWII, and wiping out an entire family line. Taking the WWII thing a step further, I started thinking of one of my favorite Marvel superheroes - Captain America - which started into a rant about how he embodies the master archetype of evolved Cancerian energy. When I started thinking about that, I started noting how many heroes are Cancers. This isn't a coincidence - artists and writers aren't just like "this guys should be born in July." There is something powerful about this archetype that draws people towards it. It's also a very polarizing energy - you either love it or hate it - and Cancer, along with Geminis and Scorpios (Yay! My Big 3...), get probably the most hate among people who don't understand how astrology works. I'll explore this at a later date, probably closer to my birthday, and I specifically wanted to use Steve Rogers as the example. Bringing that back around, I started thinking about Captain America because this song embodies his relationship with Peggy Carter. They don't even get to have a first date and explore the connection they have because the mission comes first. They are separated for decades and, even though he tries to move on, he just can't. But that doesn't stop him from doing what he needs to do to save the world. Once the mission is over, ::Spoiler Alert:: he uses the first opportunity he gets to go back to her and give her the life they both deserved together.

At the end of the world

Or the last thing I see

You are

Never coming home

Never coming home

Could I

Should I

And all the things that you never ever told me

And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me

Never coming home

Never coming home

Could I

Should I

I meant to write this earlier but I slept all day yesterday. Or sort of slept - a lot of the time was spent lying there, trying to will myself to move but failing. Wanting to be held but not knowing how to ask for it. I only got up because I remembered that I should probably eat because I hadn't eaten all day and that isn't good for the baby. That seems like the only reason I've been eating lately. If I wasn't pregnant, I probably wouldn't be eating at all to be honest. I just don't feel like it most days and if I try to eat, I can't bring myself to eat as much as I normally would. I didn't want to laze about all day but I thought to myself "it's okay...for one day, it's okay to give in." I don't feel much better today but I am writing so that's a start. That's the good thing - I still have flashes of inspiration, where these beautiful sentences will come in my head. And I'll have enough energy to write them down or text them to myself. That's one thing that's been really remarkable about this time - I'm thinking and writing more clearly than I ever have. I'm actually able to translate the swirls of information in my head into something coherent and somewhat creative. I've written some surprisingly beautiful things in the past few weeks - I thought they were shit at the time but when I re-read them, I realize they're actually pretty good. Almost like I'm not the one who wrote them. But I did. I miss my sisters a lot, especially my older sister. Luckily, she set up a family chat for today, so I'm looking forward to that. That's just how it's going to be for now - keep holding on for that next thing that brings me joy. Push through and keep writing, even when it sounds like mud in my head.

"The Ghost of You" Video