::DISCLAIMER:: I am going to get super personal. This post is about suicidal thoughts....and how they are temporary. I promise. ::END DISCLAIMER::
As you may already know, Anthony Bourdain died today. I was a little more upset than I realized I would be. I love his writing. Sure, it was a tad melodramatic and he used way too many adjectives, but it sounded good. He had what I would consider my "dream job," which is traveling all over the place, eating amazing (and not-so-amazing) food, hanging out with a zillion interesting people, and writing about it all. A professional adventurer, of sorts. That's the thing. You can look like a million bucks and seem like you're having a great time but still feel like you're dying inside. And that's okay....because, trust me, it gets better.
With all the high profile suicides happening, I want to talk to you, dear reader, who may not feel as important as the rock stars and fashion designers and chefs on the news, but you are. Absolutely, without a doubt, you are. Here comes the personal part (which is kind of scary to share but no one reads this stupid blog so fuck it) - I tried to drown myself when I was 15. Sure....kind of an ineffective method since I'm an excellent swimmer. But the water was close to freezing because it was January and after I jumped, I just sank. The water was so cold, my muscles seized up so when I realized I didn't really want to die, I had to fight to get to the surface because my body and my clothes and my heart felt like lead. But I lived and that's the last time I honestly tried. I was lucky but other methods are much more permanent. And a lot more painful and difficult to come back from if you change your mind at the last second. I'm not saying I haven't been self-destructive since that incident. I had to go through years of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (through the free resources at my university), which helped me recover from my eating disorder and the dark thoughts I had from time to time. And when I was in school for Psychology, I tried to use my experience to help others suffering from similar problems. I'm very proud to say that I've prevented a few people from killing themselves, at least during that particular moment. It's draining but it's worth it.
In suicide prevention training, they told me not to tell the person to think of the lives they'll leave behind. You know why? Because you should be living for yourself, not anyone else. You deserve to be happy and that's not selfish. It may take some time to figure out your reason to live - and maybe it is for the people in your life. My son is the number one reason why I don't even consider it anymore. Because I love him and I want to be with him for as long as I can. But that may not be true for you and that's okay. It's okay to just exist for a while and to take some alone time. And it's absolutely okay to talk about it and get help. That's the most important thing. Tell someone, like me or your mom or your best friend or a therapist, because they care. I care....I really do. Probably too much, but I do. And I hope sharing my story helps someone out there.
If you are considering suicide, stop and call someone. Like the National Suicide Prevention Hotline - 1-800-273-8255, URL: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/. They are available 24/7 and you can even chat with someone online now, if phone calls make you anxious (I used to get really anxious before calling someone....still do sometimes, but not as bad). You're not alone.
Okay, now that the serious part is over, I want to share a song that I listened to a lot when I was down. It's chipper but it's dark. Like Gerard Way could read my brain when he was writing it. The song reminds me of Peter Pan, because the end is just him repeating the phrase "Think Happy Thoughts" over and over and over. And that helped. It really did. Like a mantra, of sorts. The song is about Gerard Way's struggles with bipolar disorder. I don't have bipolar disorder but I can relate. Geez, I forgot how much I loved MCR - I'm going to re-discover all their music now. The video is just the song with the album artwork.
No comments:
Post a Comment