"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" by My Chemical Romance

I've been extra emo lately. I'm blaming Scorpio season and accepting that the Sun is activating the shit out of my natal Moon. Therefore, I'm making a conscious choice to lean in and be super "Moon in Scorpio" for - basically - the rest of my life. For example, I've decided Sabrina the Teenage Witch is my new aesthetic, so the only things I plan to wear in 2020 will be black pencil skirts and red blouses. Okay....maybe the tiniest bit of plaid but it will be very tasteful. I've also decided I'm going to delve back into my creepy side, because I've let it lie dormant for a long time. I've got a lot of dark and twisty TV shows (BTW Ellen Pompeo, aka Meredith Grey, Honored Master of being dark and twisty, is a Scorpio), movies, and books that I've re-prioritized to be at the top of my media intake. And I've been listening to the "Hot Rods & Horror Shows" playlist on Spotify, which is mostly of the emo and psychobilly persuasion. Obviously, been listening to a lot of My Chemical Romance and other bands with a similar sound, and I've been playing one particular song on repeat lately that I'm in love with. Unfortunately, it doesn't fit the theme for this month because it doesn't have an official video, so maybe next month. I'm definitely feeling a push for a new beginning of sorts but that could be because 2020 is around the corner. I've been hit by another wave of inspiration for some new writing projects - in particular, a short story about a Magician and his Assistant, which I plan to start after Mercury Spookygrade.

Speaking of My Chemical Romance, they announced today that they'd be reuniting for a Reunion Tour - and my inner 17-year-old emo girl jumped for joy! If they announce an US dates, I'm definitely going to find a way to get to that (if it is at all humanly possible), mostly because it might be my only chance to see them live. It's almost like they knew I needed them right now. I know it may sound lame but MCR got me through some of the roughest years of my life. Rough enough that I'm surprised that I made it through. To be honest, I almost didn't. Lately, it feels like we're on redux. I think that's the thing I love most about MCR - because Gerard Way's lyrics reflected an inner world I was intimately familiar with. Overly dramatic, hopelessly romantic in the darkest sense, and passionate in a quiet way that others didn't understand and were overwhelmed when I revealed it. These past few days that I've been rediscovering their old albums, it only confirmed what I knew instinctively as a teenager. That they create genuinely brilliant music and that's why the entire Internet is fucking excited about an MCR reunion tour. Gerard Way is now living his best life, with his own solo music career and success as a comic book illustrator (he's the creator of "The Umbrella Academy," now a Netflix show - it's on my list), but it wasn't always like that. In high school, he was the weird, quiet kid who drew disturbing scribbles during class. He was a loner, and people he was friends with in childhood (one in particular) became popular and started to treat him like he was weird and different. That's what "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" is about. It hurts for this to happen at any age, but it always seems especially devastating when you're a teenager. To find someone who you think gets you only to have them push you away. When, even though they won't say it, their actions make it clear that they don't want you in their life anymore. It hurts but, in these situations, it's best to just let them push you away.

Well, if you wanted honesty

That's all you had to say

I never want to let you down

Or have you go, it's better off this way

For all the dirty looks

The photographs your boyfriend took

Remember when you broke your foot

From jumping out the second floor?

The video concept for "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" is a mock trailer. The introduction is Ray Toro listing all the reasons that Gerard Way kind of sucks. This part is amazing because, among the reasons why Gerard Way is "never gonna make it," he likes Audrey Hepburn, Fangoria, and croquet, and he doesn't know karate. I don't know about you but all those reasons are why he'd be at the top of my "gotta be friends with this guy" list. Although, it would be kinda awesome if he knew karate. Whatever. I stand by my statement. Moving on, the movie that the band is pretending to be in is your basic "Not Another Teen Movie"-type film - where the geek gets the girl (a trope that always makes me giddily happy to the point where I squeal). Obviously, the movie promises an epic showdown between the Weirdos (MCR, wielding croquet mallets, naturally) and the Jocks (with hockey sticks and those other sticks they use in lacrosse - I have no idea what they're called but I think we can deduce that MCR chose the better weapon). Before the bridge, they have that typical romantic scene where you know the two unlikely lovers are going to kiss. They flip this trope on its head by making it awkward, where Frank Iero actually does remove an eyelash from the girl's eye and then wipes his finger on her sleeve (gross! I don't know why but gross!) before walking away. Because boys really are stupid like that. You'll be just standing there, thinking "kiss me, loser, before I fucking go home" and they'll be like "goodnight!" You definitely aren't going to get laid if you can't read the room. And in between all the typical shenanigans, they have that stereotypical trailer text that's supposed to make it suspenseful but is really just annoying. And, because it is a music video, it does show the band actually performing but that's spliced with all the rest of the chaos that is going on, which allows it to maintain it's trailer-like quality.

What will it take to show you

That it's not the life it seems? (I'm not okay)

I've told you time and time again

You sing the words but don't know what it means (I'm not okay)

To be a joke and look

Another line without a hook

I held you close as we both shook

For the last time, take a good hard look

That's the basic description of what's happening in the video. Now, I'm going to tell you why that's a perfect visualization for the story the lyrics tell. When you're a highly imaginative teenager (and I'm speaking from experience), you have a tendency to picture your own life as a movie. A movie where you're the star, of course. Unfortunately, life isn't a movie and doesn't follow your typical plot rules. The people you meet don't fit perfectly within a single archetype or trope, because humans are complicated. The timeline is always off somehow, like nothing was planned before you started shooting. The costumes are cheap and ill-fitting. It feels like you'll never reach the climax of the film, because it's just one conflict after another. You see where I'm going with this? Life is messy and incoherent, which is why films have script writers and scene editors - to cut out all the complicated, boring stuff so that we only see the parts that make sense. If a teenager (or a teen-at-heart) were to make a movie trailer of their actual life, it would be much like this video. The scenes seem related but might not even be from the same movie. The perspective keeps switching, so you're not sure who is the main character (one would assume Gerard Way but Frank Iero gets all the dynamic scenes). And what you expect to happen doesn't always happen, like awkward almost-kisses or getting punched in the face when you ace a test. And there'd be a lot of cut scenes of you reaching for your inhaler or spinning in a chair, all the shit that you hope people don't see. And the reasoning behind the individual plot points will probably be sketchy, at best. We have no idea what happened prior to the showdown in the hallway - MCR might've just decided to beat the shit out of some Chads with croquet mallets. Was it justified? Sure, but not in a "cause and effect" sort of way, more like a "fuck anybody named Chad" sort of way. Sorry Chad. I'm sure you're a good person, whoever you are.

In summation, the only thing we have control over in the movie of our life is the soundtrack, so make it a good one.

"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" Video

"Black Sheep" by Metric

In my last post, I talked a bit about the Evil Ex Trope, but I neglected one important detail. Sometimes, we're the Evil Ex in someone else's story. And that is usually a fundamental obstacle on the Hero's Journey - making amends with those we've wronged, whether or not the wrong was intentional. Additionally, the Hero/ine is often presented with an opportunity to forgive those that have wronged them. This moving on - from both past mistakes and the pain caused by others - is a rite of passage for the Hero/ine and needed for them to realize their full potential.

"Black Sheep" is featured in "Scott Pilgrim vs the World," which is an excellent example to demonstrate this point. Scott Pilgrim has to fight Ramona Flowers' seven Evil Exes, but throughout the whole movie, his own callousness with Knives' heart is constantly in the background. We also see that he's kind of self-involved, resulting in him being kind of a super jerk to his friends. He has to resolve both of these conflicts before the end of the movie. Ultimately, he has to apologize to both Ramona and Knives for cheating on them in order for him to achieve his goal, which is to date Ramona.

It must be noted that apologies don't always fix everything and forgiveness doesn't always bring closure to the Hero/ine's pain. I was watching "Kung Fu Panda" this weekend and towards the end, Shifu apologizes to Tai Lung for building him up for a Destiny that wasn't his. It does makes Tai Lung pause for a second but then he continues on his destructive course, which ends with his demise. Although some peace is brought through this acknowledgement of the wrong he did to Tai Lung, Shifu is not completely relieved. He genuinely loved Tai Lung as a son and it is clear that his death is not the ending Shifu would've picked. This is important to remember in real life as well - that forgiveness and apologies are often the beginning of entirely new path.

Hello again, friend of a friend, I knew you when

Our common goal was waiting for the world to end

Now that the truth is just a rule that you can bend

You crack the whip, shape-shift and trick the past again

"Black Sheep" is about loving someone - friend, relative, significant other, doesn't matter - who has a tendency to push people away, especially people who actually care about them. Eventually, you just have to let them do it but be supportive if they come around. Pushing people away is a common coping mechanism for people who fear abandonment. They think that they're pre-empting the inevitable, because everyone they cared about always left before. Taylor Swift clearly has this problem. In fact, in one of her more recent songs, she actually has the lyric "you gotta leave before you get left." In her situation, though, she usually creates the conditions that would result in the person leaving anyway, because no one wants to (or should have to) deal with emotional abuse. From her songs, you can tell that she thinks this tactic makes her a strong woman, but in reality, it just leaves her more lonely and broken. As you can tell, I use my Psychology degree to spend way too much time analyzing pop stars. Some of them have healthy coping methods and some do not - I try to use what I understand from their situations to bring light to my own unresolved issues. It's called mirroring and I've found it incredibly useful in my shadow work. You'll notice that Scott Pilgrim also has to fight his shadow self - aptly called Nega-Scott. This is not a coincidence - it's a vital part of the Hero's Journey. In fact, it's the entire point of the Journey - to reconcile the dark and light side of yourself. In the end, Scott and Nega-Scott shake hands, knowing it probably won't be the last time they fight.

Post Note: You may have noticed I've been capitalizing certain words and phrases in my posts. I've been using that method to bring attention to literary themes and high-level narrative/philosophical concepts. This helps my understanding and I hope those reading find it helpful, too. I'm not just being free-styling with the capitals for my own amusement....I would never do that.

"Black Sheep" Video

"Dreams" by The Cranberries

There are two types of people in this world. People who love Meg Ryan movies....and people who don't. I'm one of the former so expect to see another Meg-Ryan-movie-related song to come up later this month. One of my favorite movies is "You've Got Mail," which is based on a old Jimmy Stewart film, "The Shop Around the Corner." It's basically the same plot, except that "You've Got Mail" is set in the late 90s and the plot centers around email instead of the standard post. Obviously, you know I think it's a great movie but, if I had to choose one scene, my favorite part is at the beginning.

There are certain rules that romantic comedies - and most romances, now that I think of it - have to follow. I've mentioned it before but the number one rule is that the two lovers have to be different but, somehow, the same. And usually, they want the same ultimate goal - to be free, to have adventures, to be successful, to be able to marry for love, whatever. The differences arise in how they have chosen to go about achieving that end goal, which results in complications for their love story that have to be resolved before they can be together. It's usually not as obvious as it is in "You've Got Mail" - in the movie, Meg Ryan plays independent book store owner, Kathleen Kelly. Tom Hanks (it's always fucking Tom Hanks) plays Joe Fox, the owner of a chain of mega-bookstores who plans to open a branch in the same neighborhood as Kelly's little shop (aptly named The Shop Around the Corner, an homage to the film's earlier inspiration). Although business rivals in real life, they are internet pen pals who became fast friends on AIM one night. However, they don't know that, but the audience does and the fun is knowing that these two are secretly in love with each other and don't realize it.

Returning to why I love the beginning, this different but the same rule is adeptly highlighted in how their mornings start. They both wait until their respective significant others leave for work, they make a show of making sure their SOs are really gone, then they excitedly go to their computers and they wait patiently for the Internet to start (ah yes....that harsh dial-up sound does bring a bittersweet sting to the cockles of this old Millennial's heart). Kathleen and Joe both are hoping for an email from each other and get a rush of happiness when they see that their faith was not in vain. Throughout the movie, they tell each other everything over email - mundane things, happy things, their favorite movies - things normal people wouldn't tell a complete stranger. But they never run out of things to say and they are happy to have a person they can share their authentic self with, even if they never meet. Even when Kathleen thinks her pen pal stood her up when they had planned to meet...but he didn't! Joe showed up but Kathleen was so caught up in her personal drama of losing her family business because of Fox Books, that she doesn't catch on. That's another rule of romantic comedies - the guy is usually the first one to realize there's something there and initiate contact. It's usually like a love at first sight kinda thing during the Meet-Cute and it has to happen to move the story forward. He's also the one who has to bring the story full circle with the Grand Romantic Gesture.

And now I tell you openly

You have my heart so don't hurt me

You're what I couldn't find

A totally amazing mind

So understanding and so kind

You're everything to me

Oh my life is changing everyday

In every possible way

And oh my dreams

It's never quite as it seems

'Cause you're a dream to me

Dream to me

Went on sort of a side tangent there on the Rom-Com rules - we'll get into more of those thematic elements in later posts. As you can see, I've probably spent way to much time analyzing these movies but - what can I say? - I'm a writer and a film buff. That's what my mind does in its free time - it thinks deeply about seemingly meaningless shit. Like the opening to "You've Got Mail"....because I haven't even gotten to my favorite part yet! Yes, it's cute how Kathleen and Joe's mornings mirror each other but my favorite part is when they're walking to work. They take essentially the same route to their respective destinations and they keep criss-crossing but they never meet, they never even see each other. It brings to mind this idea that them meeting later in the movie is kismet - it's meant to be. Like things couldn't have happened any other way because they had to meet eventually. It was only a matter of time and everything that came before was leading up to that moment. During this criss-crossing scene, "Dreams" by the Cranberries is playing, which sets the perfect backdrop. It's wistful and upbeat, and these elements combined make the overall song sound...hopeful. Anyway, including this scene as one of the videos so you understand what I mean.

"Dreams" Official Video

Opening Scene from "You've Got Mail"

"Come Sail Away" by Styx

Staying on this theme of The Hero's Journey for this week, there is also a feminine version called The Heroine's Journey. I've been digging into this, because it is such a central narrative (and I've been gradually falling in love with writing again). It's basically the same thing, except it's more focused on self-acceptance. It's more conscious in that way, because the Heroine understands that there is something she's missing from her life from the beginning. She's probably been searching for it all her life but she usually doesn't start the journey in earnest until the reader meets her. I'm going to talk about a specific version of the Heroine's Journey, that of Lindsay Weir from "Freaks and Geeks." Unfortunately, the show only lasted a season but it was pretty brilliant and it's on Netflix if you're interested.

Lindsay Weir is the Smart Girl, but she's not sure she wants to be. That's the narrative her parents chose for her. However, that's not the only thing she is and she knows that, so as a way to rebel, she befriends a group of stoners. Mostly because the head stoner - played by James Franco - is cute. Thus begins her adventures and the show follows her and her brother, Sam, as they navigate the awkwardness of high school. Like all coming of age stories, Lindsay makes some mistakes, meets new friends that give her a new perspective, confronts conflicts with her family, has her heart broken, and breaks a heart of her own.

The heart that she breaks - Nick (played by Jason Segel) - was likely supposed to evolve into a full True Love story arc, had the show continued. Nick immediately falls for Lindsay when she starts hanging out with the stoners and he comes on a little too strong. Insanely strong, in some cases. There's a scene in one of the later episodes where Nick serenades Lindsay with a ballad. Lindsay is super embarrassed and while it is a little cringeworthy, it's also incredibly sweet and it's hard not to fall in love with Nick. That's the first time I fell in love with Jason Segel - the 2nd time was when he's singing a song from his Dracula musical in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," and the 3rd time was practically every single episode of "How I Met Your Mother." And I don't even think Jason Segel is that attractive - he's freakishly tall and has kind of an average face. But he's funny and sweet and sincere in every role that he's in, which is why he makes a good love interest in romantic comedies.

I look to the sea reflections in the waves spark my memory

Some happy some sad

I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had

We live happily forever so the story goes

But somehow we missed out on that pot of gold

But we'll try best that we can to carry on

I went on a little bit of a rant there, so let's bring it home. I like to think that I'm following the Heroine's Journey in my own life, especially when I run up against experiences that bring me to my knees and make me address my darker shadows. I try to ask myself, "What am I supposed to learn from this?" I hate to say that everything happens for a reason, because that's not exactly true. Sometimes bad things happen to you or you make mistakes that seemed unavoidable at the time - yes, elements might've been out of your control but it's what you make of it afterward that becomes who you are. I read somewhere (pretty sure it was "Eat, Pray, Love") that Heaven and Hell are the same place, you just take different paths to get there. On one path, you choose happiness and self-love; on the other, you choose sadness and self-hate. Either way, the choice is yours to make.

"Come Sail Away" plays at the end of the first episode of "Freaks and Geeks," at the Homecoming dance. Lindsay's punishment for the events that transpire during the first episode is that she has to man the punch bowl at the dance. At the beginning of the song, it's clear that Lindsay is annoyed that she's in this situation and even a bit embarrassed of how she got there. But when it gets to chorus, she decides to go on the dance floor and just dance. By herself, for herself, damn whoever is watching and how stupid she looks. It doesn't matter, because she's having fun. She makes the choice that, even though she's in a shitty situation because of her own actions, she's going to enjoy where she's at. If you listen to the lyrics of "Come Sail Away," I don't think there's a better song to play alongside Lindsay as she makes this fundamental choice for her story.

Side note: I love Styx because I grew up with Styx. Yes, it's great music, but I was also a nut about Greek mythology when I was a kid. The River Styx is the border that separates the Underworld from Earth. The dead must cross Styx by paying the ferryman, Charon, and it was rumored that the waters could make one invulnerable. Achilles mother, a nereid, dipped him in the lake and he was invulnerable except for his left heel, which is what she held him by when she put him in the water. Obviously, there's a lot of meaning behind that name - rebirth, difficult journeys and - most of all - crossing over. One of my favorite writers, Elizabeth Gilbert of "Eat, Pray, Love" fame, has a favorite Italian word. It's attraversiamo, which means "let's cross over." I think there's a wise beauty in that choice.

"Come Sail Away" Video

Nick Serenades Lindsay