As stated in the previous post, I went to go see My Chemical Romance last month. It was amazing, thanks for asking. I loved it so much that I hope I get to see them perform again one day. Maybe with someone who also loves them as much as I do (not that I didn't enjoy the time with my husband). Part of me would honestly like to follow MCR around the country going to their shows but I know that's not realistic. I have responsibilities and I think the desire stems from the on-going grief I feel knowing that I'm not young enough to do something like that anymore. Ironically, the thing that shocked me most about the concert was how many young people (i.e., Gen-Z folks) were at the concert. My coworker is going to the "When We Were Young" festival in Las Vegas this weekend (yes, I'm super jealous). I was looking at the line-up and, indeed, it was basically the dream festival I had always imagined as a teenager. MCR, Paramore, Ice Nine Kills, Black Veil Brides, AFI, Dashboard Confessional, All-American Rejects.....the gang's all gonna be there! For reference, my coworker is 25. He was literally like 5 years old when most of these bands were popular and, at most, 10 years old when they faded out. Youth is wasted on the young.
I have this habit of treating a lot of things like I'm studying for a test. Like if I don't do things exactly perfect, it won't match my vision of how things should be, and everything will be ruined. Another thing I'm working on. I tend to go from one hyper-fixation to the next in this way. Or rather, I indulge myself with a little obsession, which I like to believe prevents me from diving wholly into crazy territory. With a goal or a deadline, I only go so far into the rabbit hole. Thus, in preparation for this concert - a concert I've been waiting for approximately half of my life - I listened through MCR's entire repertoire (or, at least, as much of it is available on Spotify). This process reunited me with old favorites, to be sure - favorites I still listen to fairly frequently, if I'm being honest. This process also re-introduced me to songs I didn't fully identify with when I was younger that I now understand deeply, in a way that is only possible with age and experience. One of those songs being (obviously) "Cubicles."
They didn't play this song during the concert but I'm not surprised. The set list was mostly songs from "Fabulous Killjoys" and "Black Parade," with only a smattering of the most popular songs from the earlier albums, a few B-sides and later singles. Makes sense....those two albums were released at the height of their popularity. But I personally prefer the older stuff - it is less polished, considerably darker and more melancholy. Don't get me wrong - I love it all. But the songs that changed (and, in some cases, saved) my life were on "I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love" and "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge." This song is from "I Brought You My Bullets," which, for some reason, reminds me of Autumn. I associate the main MCR albums with seasons - "Black Parade" is obviously Winter, "Fabulous Killjoys" reminds me of Summer, and I guess that means "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge" would be Spring. Don't ask me why. It's probably because of the coloring of the album covers and the general aesthetic for each of the releases. I'm rambling now. Old age, you know. Give an old lady some grace.
Let's talk about "Cubicles." On the surface, the singer is lamenting that his work crush has gotten another job and left. Ultimately, though, it's about the depth of loneliness one feels after the loss of connection, even if the potential of that connection was tenuous or merely imagined to be there. We tend to grow attached to the people we're around the most and now, especially in early adulthood, we often spend most of our time around our coworkers and classmates. It's natural to form attachments to and crushes on them. It's psychological - our survival depends on the people we spend the most time with so our brain associates positive feelings with them (even if the actual relationship is not particularly enjoyable). As someone who often feels like I'm always the one who feels the connection deeper and becomes more attached, I understand this song on so many levels. There's the obvious layer of unrequited love (which the singer may or may not have admitted to their person), which is a difficult situation. Although, given life perspective, I don't think it's as bad as being in a relationship that is abusive or where you feel trapped. I've always been able to get over unrequited love, which isn't really love if you don't know the person that well. In fact, it's possible the crush wouldn't turn into love at all if they had a chance to be with the object of their affection. Getting to know someone always dashes the fantasy of who they are and who they could be. Disappointment has ultimately been harder to move on from than rejection. But maybe that's the situation here - maybe he was close with his work crush. Maybe they were even friends, good friends, best friends....at least, in his mind, they were. And then they left this job and completely stopped communicating with the singer. Not only does it ruin his hopes of what they could've grown into but also puts into stark reality exactly how much whatever friendship existed was valued. And that's where the disappointment comes in. When you realize you don't mean as much to the other person as they mean to you, even though it seemed mutual when you were in the midst of it. And yet, you still have to see reminders of them everywhere. Like old Teams messages or references to something they said in an email. Or seeing their name on slide decks and glimpses of their face in pictures of the last office party, stashed away on a shared drive. A cruel joke of corporate romance.
In the song, he laments that, sometimes, he thinks he'll die alone. By the end of the song, it doesn't sound like such a tragic option. The lyrics change to "I think I'd love to die alone." Yeah, that doesn't sound so bad. I've come to realize that I don't mind being alone as much as I used to. I like my own company. I'm a pretty awesome person....way more interesting than most people I meet. And I'm not great at small talk. I've only been at this job for about 8 months and I only recently started feeling like I formed casual friendships with my coworkers. It struck me how slow this process has been but maybe it's supposed to be. I've only been going to my pole studio for about 6 months and I'm gradually becoming a fixture. I've met most of the teachers and they all recognize my face when I show up to class. I have people I chat with when I go to class - maybe I'm not as close with them as with my first group of pole sisters, but we're getting there. It's a very different dynamic between the main social circles of my life. There was a time when the only social interaction I got was at work - when that's the case, it's easy to get overly attached to the people there. That's the bullshit workplaces are trying to pull, right? You're family here! No, no you're not. It's an act of rebellion to have a vibrant life outside your work, outside your home, outside the tiny little boxes society has built for us. It's nice to say I do something other than watch TV when I'm outside work. It's a good thing that my career is no longer all that I am.
I'm gradually learning not to be so attached to people. That the best relationships in my life took years to form, not months. Over the summer, I got to meet up with my best friend from high school multiple times. It was amazing to talk to someone who knew so much of my history and still understood so much of who I am, even though we had several years to catch up on. I've been on a walk down memory lane much of the past few months, honoring my inner teenager, because I never really got to enjoy that time of my life. I was stuck in survival mode for most of it, and the things that got me through it were the aforementioned best friend, music, writing, reading, and performing. Not surprisingly, the Sun, Mercury, and Venus have been transiting Libra, my 5th House where my South Node is located. The 5th House is associated with Leisure, Fun, Childhood, Creativity, Love, and Play. These themes have been very present in my life and it's been a period of trying to get back to those things, the things that bring me joy and happiness, especially in terms of my relationships (both with self and others). It's been an area of life that has been out-of-balance for a while, so I'm trying to let the scales do their work.
Take (take)
I think I'd love to die
Me (me)
Down (down)
I think I'd love to die
Just (just)
Take (take)
I think I'd love to die
Me (me)
Down (down)
I think I'd love to die alone
The Universe agrees and has been sending me signs. A few memorable ones - pulling out of pole class and stopping behind a truck with a license plate that said "DREAMBIGG." I tried to take a picture but it turned out blurry (and I'm sure the driver thought I was crazy...which I am). Another time, a few weeks ago, I was at the gate for work and the car next to me was a Mini-Cooper with a license plate that said "ZIIPPY." If you don't get it, that's alright. It means something to me and I got the message.
As you may already know, Taylor Swift's new album, "Midnights," dropped at (you guessed it!) midnight today. I'll eventually get around to listening it but you know how I like to slowly discover my T-Swift gems. But it's just one more thing to look forward to. Happy Friday!
"Cubicles" Video
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