"She Knows" by J.Cole (feat. Amber Coffman and Cults)

I'm up at 3:30am and - instead of lying in bed with my eyes closed, trying to sleep, like I do most work nights - I'm leaning into it. I can tell I have a high level of anxiety in my body. And I haven't written in a while. Haven't been able to gather the brain power, but I'll speak on that more later (in a very belated birthday post). I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here and as such, this post might be more stream of consciousness than anything I would normally put on this blog. It's not even much about the song, even though I know it's the inspiration that's getting me writing this morning. It's a banger that I keep hearing on Instagram reels. I decided to hunt down and listen to the full version on Spotify - best decision I've made in the past couple hours, mos def. 

Bad things happen to the people you love

And you find yourself praying up to heaven above

But honestly, I've never had much sympathy

'Cause those bad things, I always saw them coming for me

In about 24 hours, I'll be on a plane to Houston to go see the My Chemical Romance concert. An event I've been looking forward to for the last two and a half years. I bought the tickets the day I found out I was pregnant with my youngest, who will turn two in about two weeks. Yep, you did the math right - the original concert was supposed to happen when I was about 9-months pregnant. And yes, I was fully intending to go, belly and all. I couldn't tell you what I was thinking that day, but I can tell you I had been panicking and crying a lot. For various reasons, most of which were my own fault. The Universe (and the COVID-19 pandemic) had other plans and the timing actually worked out in my favor. Now, the concert is more like a little vacation for me than an overnight trip. It's supposed to be relaxing. But I'm anxious - about leaving my children, about flying (which I haven't done in over three years - even though I love flying usually), about the hotel reservations, about whether these new-fangled digital tickets will work when I get to the door, about getting out of a concert late at night in a strange city, about not going to work (I have taken very little PTO since I started....8 months ago)...you get the idea. There's a level of restlessness in my body that's hard to handle. And even though I spent all yesterday cleaning and our rental house is the tidiest I've seen it since we moved in, I find myself finding small, meaningless tasks to occupy my hands. 

I almost don't want to go, which is crazy. Not only did I (and my parents - the plane tickets were my birthday gift) spend a lot of money on this trip, but it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. I missed my chance when MCR was originally really big. I was in my late teens/early 20s and a broke college student - concerts weren't exactly in my budget, even though some really good ones passed through Pan-Am Center while I was at NMSU. And considering how much of my life has been dedicated to music, I don't go to concerts very often, and I wish I could. Adulthood, am I right? I can't stay home - I know I would regret it for the rest of my life. So, like I always do, I'm going to suck it up and push through, in spite of the anxiety and fear, because I have no other choice. I've never had any other choice.

Got me up so high, try and get a piece of that apple pie

I be up so high, try and get a piece of that apple pie

The weird thing about being on a healing/spiritual journey (what...you thought I was writing about music?) is that I'm painfully aware of my patterns. This one - a term coined by Gay Hendricks in his book, "The Big Leap" - is an Upper Limit Problem. Essentially, when something good is happening in our life, we find ways to sabotage it because we've been conditioned that we don't deserve good things, we don't deserve happiness. Our mind manufactures drama to bring us down from the high, to "safe" emotional levels. Mind you, these emotional levels might not even really be safe - our standard emotional level may be chronic depression, addiction, suicidal ideation, self-destruction, or high-functioning anxiety. There are a lot of good things in my life right now and even though I don't have everything I want, there's a lot to be grateful for. I try to remind myself of that every morning - yes, I have a gratitude practice where I write down three things I'm grateful for daily. It's a practice I've kept up for 650+ days straight (according to my app) - I started it shortly after my youngest was born, when I was in the depths of PPD. It helps - I'm a much happier person than I was back then. 

Which brings me to my Upper Limit Problem - I tend to get really anxious and fearful when I'm looking forward to something or I'm in a situation that makes me really happy. I know why this is - good things were always intertwined with anxiety and fear when I was growing up. Delicious food was always tainted with comments about my body or weight (same with nice, new clothes - hence why I don't often buy clothes for myself and certainly not the kind of clothes I want to wear); my dad being home would often mean overhearing scary arguments/fights and eventually, he would leave on deployment; a trip to Disneyland (or any other family vacation) could quickly turn south if my mom had a mood swing (which was pretty much every trip). I always got straight As, lead roles in theatre, solos in choir - but none of this ever came with praise. It barely even got attention, so if I seem weirded out by compliments and congratulations, it's because nothing I've ever done seemed to warrant it. The irony of my life is that I yearn to be seen and understood, yet actually getting what I want makes me deeply uncomfortable, even scared. And that leads to me downplaying it or fucking things up in some way. It's a large part of what stops me from seriously trying to publish my writing (a hurdle I'm still working through). And the truth is that - for a brief, shining moment in my life - I was able to forget some of those insecurities and fears. And I lost it, and I've been spending the last few years trying to get it back. A YouTube creator I follow explained the journey like a snow globe - if you want the pretty snow (or glitter), you have to be able to handle the shake-up. The shake-up is the hard part where you have to confront your triggers, fears, and insecurities and do the work to get past them. I suppose I'm still in the shake-up.

Only bad thing 'bout a star is they burn up

Rest in peace to Aaliyah

Rest in peace to Left Eye (Left Eye)

Michael Jackson, I'll see ya

Just as soon as I die (I die)

I've been listening to "She Knows" on repeat while I've been writing this. I said this post didn't really have anything to do with the song but, in it's own way, it describes the Upper Limit Problem. The singer is succeeding in one part of his life (his career) but totally messing up another part of his life (his relationship). He is so focused on his own stardom and playing a role - and he finds himself justifying the things he's doing. She knows....heck, she's probably even doing the same thing. Underneath it all, it's this very real fear that he doesn't deserve any of it - the career, the fame, the fortune, and a happy relationship. That he's not good enough for any of it, that he can't be what they want him to be.

Well, all right, oh, I, oh, I-I-I

I can't be what you want from me, well, all right

I don't know if any of the above made sense but thanks for reading this rant. I feel better now.

"She Knows" Video

"Sledgehammer" by Rihanna

This past weekend, I was so tired. And it wasn't normal tired. It was utter exhaustion compounded with distress that I know can slowly sink into depression. All I wanted to do was sleep, and that's what I did, because I could barely move. At some point on Saturday night, though, I woke up, still in my clothes. After registering that I should change into my pajamas and get ready for bed properly, I hesitated and briefly considered just going back to sleep. That's when that old familiar voice in my head spoke up. "This isn't you, you're better than this, you're stronger than this. So, girl, go wash your face." And that's what I did. I've been depressed before - this should be obvious. I've been honest here about my suicide attempts and my eating disorder. I've always gotten through it before. Now I know why - it was through sheer force of will. I got through because I'm me and that's the only constant in my life, the only real thing I can believe in. One of my most formative memories I have is when this evangelical group was trying to engage my dad in the mall. He told the guy, "Sorry, I don't believe in that." The guy asked, "Well, what do you believe in?" My dad's reply was "I believe in myself." At the time, I thought he was just blowing the guy off but, now that I really think about it - after all my searching - that's the foundation of everything I know to be true. 

I want to talk about one of my personal heroes today - my older sister, M. She's amazing because, her whole life, she has always been so authentically herself. If she changed in any way, she didn't justify it ever, because you shouldn't have to justify that you're growing as a person. From my perspective, M was never afraid to try for things, even if she failed. It's one of the reasons why she's extraordinary today - she didn't care if she failed, she just knew she wanted something and went after it. I say she's extraordinary because she is - she has a PhD in a very competitive field, she does CrossFit and weight-lifting tournaments, she's a great friend, and she's one of the most caring and compassionate people I know. Okay....so she kind of has terrible taste in music (Dave Matthews Band...blech), is a book/film snob, and it's no secret that she's basic. But she's cool with how she is - if she's basic, well, that's because she likes being basic. That's just how she is. I'm trying to learn how to be that secure with who I am - because I know I'm a little extra (and quite a bit to handle for some people). It's hard to do, especially since I've hidden fundamental parts of myself for so long. I've learned a lot more about M now that we're adults. More of the hard stuff she's been through, things I really didn't know as a kid. After all the shit she gave me in college about Psychology being a "soft science," she's the one who is always advocating therapy "even if you don't think you need it." But she's right. In many ways, I'm envious of her, because it's clear that she wasn't afraid to follow her intuition. Surprisingly, she found herself at the same crossroads as I did and, sometimes, I wonder if she made better decisions. Everything always makes sense in the rear view and, in those cases when I didn't listen to my inner voice, I'm going to have to rectify those mistakes somehow. 

I hit a wall, I thought that I would hurt myself

Oh I was sure, your words would leave me unconscious

And on the floor I'd be lying cold, lifeless

But I hit a wall, I hit 'em all, watch the fall

You're just another brick and I'm a sledgehammer

You're just another brick and I'm a sledgehammer

I had several random thoughts today. This morning, I was thinking how snazzy I'd dress if I were a man, because I feel like menswear is so classy but very few men know how (or have the inclination) to dress themselves, even with everything at their disposal. I also found myself thinking about the Cardinal signs in astrology. I like to associate the signs with their elements and, with Cardinal signs, I specifically am reminded of natural disasters to describe how they are when they're angry. Cardinal signs are the initiators of change, the catalysts to making things happen. Basically unstoppable, if their energy and focus is well-harnessed. Capricorns I associate with earthquakes, because the destruction is very controlled and measurable, which aligns with their calculating nature. Libras (like M) are like tornadoes, because they're very focused and the shape is usually very balanced. Aries are like wild fires, unpredictable but easy to get under control by skilled hands. Cancers, however, are like a tsunami, because it's rare to see them get to the point of being destructive but once they reach that point, expect total devastation. Nothing is left after a tsunami, because the ocean washes everything away. You're left with a clean slate. So yeah, that's what I think about during the brief breaks I get while at work.

"Sledgehammer" was the theme for "Star Trek Beyond." The message is pretty simple - the only way to get through hard times - like a break up (which I believe the song is about) - is straight through. With force. This isn't a difficult metaphor to crack. We always talk about "the wall" in running - obviously, "the wall" isn't a physical wall. It's actually more of a mental barrier, the point where your brain believes you can't go on. However, I recently learned about the Navy Seal 40% rule, which says that at the point your brain tells you that you can't do anymore, you 40% of your actual capability to do the task. If you can keep going past this point, you'll be able to continue and reach your full potential for the task. There's a theory that this is just a placebo effect - if you tell your brain you can do more, you'll naturally be able to do more. But if something works, it works - and I think most personal problems are a result of having a bad mindset anyway. If you think you can do more or if you think you're good at something, that naturally changes your perception of whatever you're trying to do. This is why affirmations can be helpful during recovery for various illnesses (both psychological and physical). Not only that, but a positive outlook is one of the strongest predictors of longevity, because it contributes to overall levels of happiness. So, basically, if you plan to be an Immortal, start working on being happier.

"Sledgehammer" Video