"She Knows" by J.Cole (feat. Amber Coffman and Cults)

I'm up at 3:30am and - instead of lying in bed with my eyes closed, trying to sleep, like I do most work nights - I'm leaning into it. I can tell I have a high level of anxiety in my body. And I haven't written in a while. Haven't been able to gather the brain power, but I'll speak on that more later (in a very belated birthday post). I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here and as such, this post might be more stream of consciousness than anything I would normally put on this blog. It's not even much about the song, even though I know it's the inspiration that's getting me writing this morning. It's a banger that I keep hearing on Instagram reels. I decided to hunt down and listen to the full version on Spotify - best decision I've made in the past couple hours, mos def. 

Bad things happen to the people you love

And you find yourself praying up to heaven above

But honestly, I've never had much sympathy

'Cause those bad things, I always saw them coming for me

In about 24 hours, I'll be on a plane to Houston to go see the My Chemical Romance concert. An event I've been looking forward to for the last two and a half years. I bought the tickets the day I found out I was pregnant with my youngest, who will turn two in about two weeks. Yep, you did the math right - the original concert was supposed to happen when I was about 9-months pregnant. And yes, I was fully intending to go, belly and all. I couldn't tell you what I was thinking that day, but I can tell you I had been panicking and crying a lot. For various reasons, most of which were my own fault. The Universe (and the COVID-19 pandemic) had other plans and the timing actually worked out in my favor. Now, the concert is more like a little vacation for me than an overnight trip. It's supposed to be relaxing. But I'm anxious - about leaving my children, about flying (which I haven't done in over three years - even though I love flying usually), about the hotel reservations, about whether these new-fangled digital tickets will work when I get to the door, about getting out of a concert late at night in a strange city, about not going to work (I have taken very little PTO since I started....8 months ago)...you get the idea. There's a level of restlessness in my body that's hard to handle. And even though I spent all yesterday cleaning and our rental house is the tidiest I've seen it since we moved in, I find myself finding small, meaningless tasks to occupy my hands. 

I almost don't want to go, which is crazy. Not only did I (and my parents - the plane tickets were my birthday gift) spend a lot of money on this trip, but it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. I missed my chance when MCR was originally really big. I was in my late teens/early 20s and a broke college student - concerts weren't exactly in my budget, even though some really good ones passed through Pan-Am Center while I was at NMSU. And considering how much of my life has been dedicated to music, I don't go to concerts very often, and I wish I could. Adulthood, am I right? I can't stay home - I know I would regret it for the rest of my life. So, like I always do, I'm going to suck it up and push through, in spite of the anxiety and fear, because I have no other choice. I've never had any other choice.

Got me up so high, try and get a piece of that apple pie

I be up so high, try and get a piece of that apple pie

The weird thing about being on a healing/spiritual journey (what...you thought I was writing about music?) is that I'm painfully aware of my patterns. This one - a term coined by Gay Hendricks in his book, "The Big Leap" - is an Upper Limit Problem. Essentially, when something good is happening in our life, we find ways to sabotage it because we've been conditioned that we don't deserve good things, we don't deserve happiness. Our mind manufactures drama to bring us down from the high, to "safe" emotional levels. Mind you, these emotional levels might not even really be safe - our standard emotional level may be chronic depression, addiction, suicidal ideation, self-destruction, or high-functioning anxiety. There are a lot of good things in my life right now and even though I don't have everything I want, there's a lot to be grateful for. I try to remind myself of that every morning - yes, I have a gratitude practice where I write down three things I'm grateful for daily. It's a practice I've kept up for 650+ days straight (according to my app) - I started it shortly after my youngest was born, when I was in the depths of PPD. It helps - I'm a much happier person than I was back then. 

Which brings me to my Upper Limit Problem - I tend to get really anxious and fearful when I'm looking forward to something or I'm in a situation that makes me really happy. I know why this is - good things were always intertwined with anxiety and fear when I was growing up. Delicious food was always tainted with comments about my body or weight (same with nice, new clothes - hence why I don't often buy clothes for myself and certainly not the kind of clothes I want to wear); my dad being home would often mean overhearing scary arguments/fights and eventually, he would leave on deployment; a trip to Disneyland (or any other family vacation) could quickly turn south if my mom had a mood swing (which was pretty much every trip). I always got straight As, lead roles in theatre, solos in choir - but none of this ever came with praise. It barely even got attention, so if I seem weirded out by compliments and congratulations, it's because nothing I've ever done seemed to warrant it. The irony of my life is that I yearn to be seen and understood, yet actually getting what I want makes me deeply uncomfortable, even scared. And that leads to me downplaying it or fucking things up in some way. It's a large part of what stops me from seriously trying to publish my writing (a hurdle I'm still working through). And the truth is that - for a brief, shining moment in my life - I was able to forget some of those insecurities and fears. And I lost it, and I've been spending the last few years trying to get it back. A YouTube creator I follow explained the journey like a snow globe - if you want the pretty snow (or glitter), you have to be able to handle the shake-up. The shake-up is the hard part where you have to confront your triggers, fears, and insecurities and do the work to get past them. I suppose I'm still in the shake-up.

Only bad thing 'bout a star is they burn up

Rest in peace to Aaliyah

Rest in peace to Left Eye (Left Eye)

Michael Jackson, I'll see ya

Just as soon as I die (I die)

I've been listening to "She Knows" on repeat while I've been writing this. I said this post didn't really have anything to do with the song but, in it's own way, it describes the Upper Limit Problem. The singer is succeeding in one part of his life (his career) but totally messing up another part of his life (his relationship). He is so focused on his own stardom and playing a role - and he finds himself justifying the things he's doing. She knows....heck, she's probably even doing the same thing. Underneath it all, it's this very real fear that he doesn't deserve any of it - the career, the fame, the fortune, and a happy relationship. That he's not good enough for any of it, that he can't be what they want him to be.

Well, all right, oh, I, oh, I-I-I

I can't be what you want from me, well, all right

I don't know if any of the above made sense but thanks for reading this rant. I feel better now.

"She Knows" Video

"Drops of Jupiter" by Train

This has been a favorite throughout the past two decades (it came out in 2001). I just got back from a long car trip and I'm not feeling all that great so not much to say. I haven't meditated a week. Honestly, I've been so tired, I've mostly slept. However, I felt like I should post something and this song came to mind.

I looked up the song meaning - it's about the death of Pat Monahan's mother. I found his thoughts on it kind of poetic and beautiful: "The best thing we can do about loss of love is find ourselves through it." The less personal interpretation, which also came from Pat Monahan, is that it's about "a woman who is strong and has to find out who she is and a man willing to let her do that."

Now that she's back from that soul vacation

Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey

She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo

Reminds me that there's a-room to grow, hey, hey, yeah

Now that she's back in the atmosphere

I'm afraid that she might think of me as

Plain ol' Jane, told a story about a man

who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

I find that the further I go down this road, the softer I get. After many years, I've realized that - if you're doing this right - that's what is supposed to happen. Wisdom doesn't make you more inflexible, more stubborn, more closed, more unkind, more hard. It does the opposite. And I wonder what it must seem like to the outsider and I think this song encapsulates that. The lyrics are written from the point of view of a man who is in awe of this woman who has grown so much, even though he's mocking it a little. Just another defense mechanism. It's scary. He's afraid he's going to be left behind. Sometimes, that's what happens. You have to leave people behind, even if you don't want to. That's just how life goes. You can't do the work for someone else - that seems to be my constant lesson and yet, I can't help but feel like I should do something. Yet, there's very little I can do outside of being an example to follow (however lackluster an example that is). And being present. When I type it out, it seems like such a small contribution, but I know how important it is all the same. Because most people don't even bother. And I'm starting to bother.

"Drops of Jupiter" Video

"Give Me Love" by Ed Sheeran

I don't like to write about an artist twice in the same month, especially when it's twice in a row. However, I'm making an exception because I find this song beautiful. Ed Sheeran could probably get any girl he wanted, in spite of his patchy, ginger beard and milquetoast British persona. You know why? Because he writes songs like this.

The music video for this song showed up in my YouTube recommendations (this is going to be a pattern for this month) recently. I was drawn to the video because the actress playing the main role was incredibly gorgeous. Which, after watching the video, make sense. She plays an Angel of Love, and most people think angels to be beautiful beings. Nevermind that most angelic lore says they have eyes all over their bodies, four different faces, and shine so brightly, humans may burst into flames if they saw one. But she's a beautiful angel and she goes around the city, shooting arrows and making people fall in love. However, she's a lone figure. Throughout the video, as she goes about her angelic business, she looks so sad and lonely. At the beginning of the video, we see the angel dead on the mattress in her loft apartment, killed by a single arrow to the heart. Later, we understand why - she shot herself with one of her love arrows so she could experience love for herself.

Give me love like her

'Cause lately I've been waking up alone

Paint splattered teardrops on my shirt

Told you I'd let them go

And that I'll fight my corner

Maybe tonight I'll call ya

After my blood turns into alcohol

No, I just wanna hold ya

There has been this turn in both the psychology and spirituality communities towards radical self-love. There's a theory that you can only love someone as deeply as you love yourself. It all has to do with reciprocity. In our heads, we have a set point on what we think we deserve in relationships, which has a lot to do with our childhood and our relationship with our parents. In fact, most of it has to do with the relationships we saw in childhood. If we had an unhealthy relationship dynamic as a reference point growing up, most of the time, we subconsciously seek out that same relationship dynamic in adulthood - even when we know that's not what we want. Dr. Nicole LePera talks a lot about this, using examples from both her psychological practice and her own life. It's a form of self-betrayal. We know what we want but we don't believe we deserve it because of that predetermined set point. Humans will rarely let another treat them better than they believe they deserve for very long. It's uncomfortable, because we're scared we won't be able to reciprocate - which will lead to abandonment and rejection. The problem is that, with each relationship that follows the unhealthy pattern, our negative beliefs about ourselves get reinforced. We're not worth the effort. We're hard to love or unlovable. Or we fall deeper into a pattern of people pleasing and then we become exhausted and resentful because it doesn't seem to ever work. For definition, self-betrayal is the process of ignoring/denying our own needs and desires in order to acquire the approval and validation of another. It usually develops early, especially when a child has a hyper-critical, neglectful, and/or abusive parent(s). Self-betrayal is a hallmark of a lack of self-love.

Self-betrayal shows up in a myriad of forms. It's pretending to not be hurt by the actions of another out of fear of being seen as too sensitive. It's allowing others to violate your boundaries constantly out of fear they'll abandon you. I could go on but this shit can be easily googled. The point is, like with all things, you can minimize self-betrayal simply by having an awareness that you're in this pattern. Then make a promise to yourself to choose differently, even though it's scary and uncomfortable. With each little promise kept, you begin to trust yourself more. You start to believe that you can protect yourself, when no one else could. And your self-esteem grows and you invest in yourself more. Finally, you understand what self-love feels like and it helps you realize that Love is not a finite resource. It's not a zero sum game. It's renewable and you're able to generate it for yourself. And being loved by another is an enjoyable bonus, not a requisite for survival. Surprisingly, this actually makes you appreciate it more. It takes strength to allow life to make you softer and more giving instead of cold and bitter. But you only understand that once you've been through Hell and back.

People who love themselves move differently. Sometimes, they come off strange to others - because the default in society has been self-hatred for so many years. We don't know what a healthy, well-adjusted person looks like because most of us have never seen one. However, there are some ways to tell when you're getting to that place. When you start to love yourself, you stop trying to impress people who are always looking for something to criticize and always blow your mistakes out of proportion, no matter how much good you do. You stop trying to get the attention of people who prefer to be distracted. You stop being someone you're not to fit into places you don't really want to be. You stop putting value in the opinions of people who don't value yours. You start speaking your mind, regardless of whether others want to hear what you have to say. You walk with purpose, you act with purpose, you speak with purpose. And you actively pursue being the person you want to be. The painful thing about this, though, is you might lose people who prefer to cling to the old version of you. But, it's easier to accept and forgive them for it, because you've been through that part of the journey, too.

I've lost the trail of what I was ranting about. I meditate before writing - sometimes the thoughts come through clearly and match up with any sentences I've written down earlier, sometimes they don't. I'm trying to be a bit more structured with my rants so that they follow in a linear, logical fashion (even though my brain doesn't really work like that....it prefers cascades and explosions of information that form tangled connections upon impact). I've also been digesting some heavy psychology concepts that aren't always easy to put into words without a lot of background information. But we're getting there. At this point in the challenge, I've done pretty well but as we approach the holidays, the posts might get a little more infrequent.

I did want to call out some musical notes for the song. During the bridge, Sheeran goes into some emotive singing. Fairly close to what the Beatles would do during the phase when they were doing Primal Scream Therapy (that's a whole 'nother rant for a different day). Ed Sheeran has one of the loveliest tenor voices in the industry today but the bridge is not pretty. The words come off desperate and it's uncomfortable to listen to - that's the point. When you feel starved of love, you feel desperate. Additionally, the album version of this song includes a second part. Honestly, it's a completely different song and feels like a hidden track because of the long break in between. It's sweet - it's got the sound of an Irish ballad, with lyrics to match. I highly recommend seeking out the full version of "Give Me Love."

"Give Me Love" Video

"Time" by NF

I first heard this song walking down the street in Boston. It was playing in one of the clothing shops near my sister's house. In my head, I thought "I like this song" even though I only heard a quick snippet. I do that - I can usually tell if I'll like a song by the first few bars. Sometimes, though, a song has to grow on me - certain pop songs are like this. I'm also good at recognizing a song within the first few notes. This memory of mine is both a curse and a blessing. Anyway, I heard a small part of the first verse in "Time," made a mental note - and kept it moving because I didn't want to be late for class. If I can, I'll usually Shazam a song on the go but there was so much background noise, it probably wouldn't have worked anyway. Fast forward to my run that evening and guess what pops up on my Spotify Discover Weekly mix? "Time" by NF.

The spiritual community would call that a "synchronicity." Or just a small way the Universe shows it's listening and responding to our energy. It's been happening a lot lately for me, especially with music. I'll want to hear a song or wake up with one stuck in my head, and it'll be the first song that comes on the radio. Or I'll engage in some shufflemancy and ask the Universe a question, already knowing what song it's gonna play and - lo and behold - the song I'm expecting is the one that's played. Maybe it's delusional but what's the alternative? That some master algorithm is listening to our thoughts so Instagram shows an ad for a specific item of clothing that you saw someone wear earlier? Or that Facebook really does know you're craving Jimmy John's for lunch? It's difficult to know where the locus of control is - does the Universe hear my thought and present what it finds in the moment? Or do I send my thought out into the ether and the closest approximation is drawn towards me? Unknown. Still working that out.

A little time to show you I'm worth it

I know that I can be a difficult person

I'm a stress case, drive you up the wall when I’m workin'

Actually, I'm probably worse when I'm not, you don't deserve it

Make you nervous 'cause you know I'ma break soon

Every time I do, I say somethin' that hurts you

Actin’ like I’m gone, but we both in the same room

I don't like to be wrong, which I know you relate to

And I know I make you feel like you’re at the end of your rope

That's when I look at you and tell you I'd be better alone

Just the pride talkin', isn’t it? 'Cause both of us know

I'm the definition of "wreck" if you look into my soul

Comes out the most when I feel I'm in a vulnerable place

Made a lot of mistakes I wish I knew how to erase

When I'm afraid, might get distant and I push you away

But no matter the case, I'ma do whatever it takes even if—

Lately, I've been drawn to a lot of what I'm going to call "white boy rap," even though I know that's horrifically politically incorrect. Especially NF. A lot of people call themselves "woke" but NF is clearly awake. You can hear it in his music. It's very rare for me to find an artist where I feel like practically every song speaks to me. Florence Welch is one. Gerard Way is another. Rilo Kiley started that list. And NF is the latest addition. Based on his music, he grew up in an abusive and neglectful home. As such, he gets to deal with all the fun baggage that goes along with that. Traumatized people tend to relive their parents stories - their childhood control dramas - because they don't know any other way. Healthy behavior seems wrong to them. Affection, care, and even love feels like a foreign thing. An unattainable ideal that they've read about in storybooks but doesn't actually exist in real life. They struggle with control and trust issues. And more often than not, they hurt the people they care about most to avoid abandonment and rejection. NF recognized he was in this pattern and wanted to end it, so he got help. And then he used the shit he learned in therapy to write music. Brilliant. The first step to fixing a problem is knowing you have one....people just don't want to take that first step. It's scary. The funny thing is, in this song, he says all he needs is time, like there's plenty of it. But it's the most precious commodity we have in the world - we only realize it when we're about to lose something. Or if we've already lost it. Eventually, it runs out. There's this quote from a book I read in college called "Exquisite Corpse" that has stuck with me - "There is a last time for meeting with and talking with everyone one knows, but one never knows when that last time will be." Although I know it's true, in some cases, it's just too sad to imagine.

I'm really tired and it's been a long day. I've been getting up early/staying up late to work on stuff. As I said, we only have so much time and I have a lot of writing to do. Because apparently, the only thing I can do now is write. Write it all down. 

"Time" Video

"Cry Baby" by Melanie Martinez

This song was on the Cancer playlist, which I've been listening to a lot, and I woke up with it stuck in my head this morning. The joke is that Cancers are cry babies but, to be honest, I've had friends who literally told me that they thought I was incapable of crying. The husband has only seen me cry once - and that was when my best friend (whom I had known for 7 years) left El Paso for San Francisco, which was nearly a decade ago. But I'll tell you a secret - I cry a lot more than people think. It occurred to me the other day that I probably have cried more in the past year than I have in my entire life....and I actually think that might be a good thing for me. Being stone-faced and hard was my defense mechanism for dealing with the chaos of my youth. I had to be strong for my sisters, for my family, and pretend I could handle shit on my own (which I can - I'm the fucking best at doing shit on my own). I'm the "Pillar of Strength" that they needed. I always have been. And I know from experience how manipulative tears can be and I don't want to be manipulative. I don't want to force anyone to do anything just to make me happy. Unfortunately, I've found that the stereotype that women turn on the water works when they want something has an uncomfortable ring of truth to it. So I've become very adept at hiding when I do cry but - and I think this is the most disappointing thing I've learned in my life - is that I don't have to try that hard to hide it. People will just straight up ignore anything that makes them uncomfortable. Noticing that someone has been crying makes it feel like you should do something and I don't think anyone really feels like they're good at comforting others. So they don't. Ironically, eliciting community support is one of the primary reasons why we cry for emotional reasons. That's modern society for ya.

Now, you'd think I'd be concerned but I'm not, because I know the symptoms of depression and am relieved to say that I don't really have the hopelessness and lack of interest that comes along with a major depressive episode. On the contrary, I actually feel pretty hopeful and have a renewed sense of purpose. I researched this seriously when I chose this song and it turns out it's really healthy to cry on a regular basis - and that actively repressing the urge to cry may be more damaging to your mental health. Most people cry on average a few times a month, for various reasons. It's important to remember that there's a reason why we developed crying as a response to emotional stimulus. It releases hormones that make us feel better. It's a cathartic release for stress and frustration at a situation. And, as I've already mentioned, it elicits an empathetic reaction from our loved ones that encourages communal bonding. All good things.

You seem to replace

Your brain with your heart

You take things so hard

And then you fall apart

You try to explain

But before you can start

Those cry baby tears

Come out of the dark

I bring it up because I've been crying for some of the most bizarre reasons and my ability to hold back has faltered. For example, I was straight up bawling while watching "You've Got Mail" this weekend. Watching a Meg Ryan movie was supposed to make me feel better after such a stressful week! And even though I've watched that movie more times than any sane person would, I still found myself getting excited during the Meet-Cute, weeping during the moments when Meg and Tom (Hanks) are feeling the most alone, and bouncing in my seat like a child when she finally realizes that the pen pal she fell in love with is also the business rival who befriended her (after destroying her business). Oh, my heart! Of course, this was just a natural evolution. My capacity to contain my tears while watching movies has diminished greatly over the past decade and especially in the past few years (I blame the "mommy" hormones). Weeping on the couch over a cup of chai tea was always going to happen one day. I hate being predictable but, in some ways, I feel like I'm the most predictable person in the world. This was one of those moments.

And yet, there are also those unpredictable moments, when hearing someone else's experience strikes something in my heart that I didn't expect. On some unfortunate occasions, those moments hit when I'm walking on a public street. Recently, I was listening to "The Astrology Podcast" interview with Sabrina Monarch, where they were talking about evolutionary astrology and North-South nodes in a person's chart (a topic that was popping up so much in my periphery that I had no choice but be drawn to it). Sabrina was talking about what she called her "spiritual awakening" and how that, because others didn't understand what was happening to her, she was diagnosed as bipolar. Even though she didn't have the typical symptoms of Bipolar Disorder. That hit me because, when I first started studying psychology, I was extremely concerned that I had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and/or Bipolar Disorder, like my mom. Coincidentally, this was the main reason I was absolutely terrified when I found out I was pregnant with my son, even though I've always known I wanted to have children. I'm not, though. I've been to enough therapists to know that I would've been diagnosed by now. My late teens/early 20s - when my emotional highs and lows were particularly intense - were just a chaotic time in my life and I reacted accordingly, given what I knew at the time. Lately, I've been feeling that same out-of-control feeling and Sabrina's story helped to ground me a little. I'm not crazy (even though it feels like it), I'm just going through a really intense period of my life and I'm meant to feel it. Because if I don't allow myself to feel it (like I tried to do in my 20s), it will just get worse. I think framing it as a "spiritual awakening" and leaning into the more esoteric topics I'm interested in - like meditation, astrology, and yogic/tantric studies - helps a lot, too. Mostly because those philosophies focus a lot on reducing stress in the body and being in touch with your inner knowing. In Psychology, we just call that shit "coping mechanisms."

You're all on your own and

You lost all your friends

You told yourself that

It's not you, it's them

You're one of a kind

And no one understands

But those cry baby tears

Keep coming back again

Largely due to her experiences with the intersection of psychology and spirituality, Sabrina Monarch started a podcast called "The Magic of the Spheres." I took the time to listen to her interview with Jason Holley, a psychotherapist who incorporates natal chart readings into his practice. I find his approach to therapy enlightening, because it emphasizes that people and their personalities are constantly changing. He also uses astrology as a way to get away from the more clinical language, which turns a lot of people away. They don't want to be diagnosed. They don't want the stigma of being a narcissist or a borderline or a depressive person. And he'd argue that those aren't stable parts of the personality, only processes that the psyche gets stuck in when something inhibits the person's growth. It makes an extremely complex situation understandable for the layperson and, even as someone who has a (useless) degree in the subject, I found that his perspective opened up my mind in the way I thought of mental illness. I also liked how he used his knowledge of a person's chart to make a connection to his patients, to meet them on their level and morph his behavior to where he shows up in the way that will help his patients the most. I think that's extremely important for a therapist to do because, if you are cold and clinical, your patient isn't going to show up more than once or twice (unless it's court-mandated or you're the only psychologist in town). You could be the most knowledgeable psychologist in the world but if someone isn't comfortable confiding in you, in trusting you, you won't be able to help them. Therapy is a lot about breaking down walls - you can't be like everyone else the person has met in their life.

In summation, I am a cry baby...and I don't fucking care.

"Cry Baby" Video

"Hand in My Pocket" by Alanis Morissette

I've been feeling stressed out lately. For a myriad of reasons. The house is a mess. Work is unseasonably busy. My current world is chaos and there's so much to do that I find myself at that point where I'm so overwhelmed I literally don't know where to start. When stressed out, it feels like I have no brain cells at all. And worse, no creativity either. Everything I write sounds like shit to me (and, yes, this post does too, so my apologies). But, as I've said, I hear messages in music and Alanis is one of those artists who I always resonated with. "Jagged Little Pill" came out when I was 8 years old. I grew up on this shit so, please, inject it straight into my veins. Morissette was only like 20 years old when the album came out and it ended up winning Album of the Year at the Grammies, the youngest artist to win that award...until Taylor Swift won it 2010.

I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind

I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah

I'm high but I'm grounded, I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed

I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby

What it all comes down to

Is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine

'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is giving a high five

"Hand in My Pocket" is about embracing the contradictions within yourself and your life, and just letting things be. It ain't that serious. Even when it seems like it is. It's one of the more light-hearted, humorous songs on the album, which might be why I've always liked it. Humor - or, at least, the ability to see the humor in dark situations - has always carried me through life. I've also made it a practice to accept that I have always been a bundle of opposing forces. I can't just be one thing, because I feel like I'm everything at the same time. Always. It's infuriating. Sometimes, I wish I could focus enough to be just really great at one thing, but then something else catches my attention. Always the Pathological Generalist. But I find that this also makes me really good at talking with people, because I always know at least a little bit about whatever the other person is interested in (at least enough to be dangerous) to get the conversation started. There's a positive and a negative side to everything. Some days, it's just harder to focus on the positive. That's a skill you have to take time to master, even if you're naturally good at it because, man, sometimes feeling bad feels oh so good. And it's a great excuse. But, I'm trying not to rely on excuses any more, because I know better - when you're a person who genuinely has the ability to regulate their mood well, your emotional state really does become a choice and you start realizing that - most of the time - the thing that's making you unhappy is you.

I bought an oracle deck called "Threads of Fate," which is specifically designed for doing shadow work. To be honest, I prefer oracle decks to tarot cards - I understand the mechanics and symbolism of tarot, I just don't really feel anything unless the artwork deviates greatly from the traditional symbolism (the only tarot deck I really resonate with is The Slutist Tarot, and that artwork is very obviously non-traditional). Oracle cards are different. I feel like oracle cards are more like introspective conversation starters. You're not asking the cards a question, they are asking you. The first card I pulled from the Threads of Fate deck was the Paradox card, which addressed this idea of non-duality. Some people really struggle with this idea and society has a tendency to reinforce duality. If you are successful, that means you can't be lazy. If you're highly intelligent and rational, you can't be emotional and illogical. There's a heavy emphasis on permanence, but ultimately, permanence is an illusion. Everything is temporary, everything is always in a state of flux, including your being. And yet, at your core, you are always you. These aren't competing ideas - it's just how things are. In order to embrace non-dualism, we have to embrace transformation. Embrace change. And embrace how things are in the present moment and not fight to keep things the same as how they were in the past. It sucks, because - due to the way our brains work - the past can seem deceivingly nice and warm and fuzzy. So we cling to it because we think that if we hold onto it, life will be that way again. That's just not how life works. Every moment is different. Even if it seems familiar, there's something unique in each minute and second that can never be regained. It's important to stop and recognize this from time to time. And take note of how you're feeling, too, because that will tell you everything about what direction you need to go.

I'm free but I'm focused, I'm green but I'm wise

I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby

I'm sad but I'm laughing, I'm brave but I'm chicken shit

I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

I hope July ends soon. Honestly, I'm ready for it to be 2020 already, because this year has been both taking forever to get through and yet going way too fast. Another one of those contradictions that makes things feel chaotic. I know it's not, though. There is a plan and a pattern, and it will make sense when it's all said and done. "I open at the close." Just gotta keep meditating and plodding along with faith in my path. And, as Alanis said...Everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine. 

"Hand in My Pocket" Video

"Where is My Mind?" by The Pixies

As Mercury Retrograde slipped back into Cancer yesterday, I woke up with a song in my head. Not just any song. Honestly, just a specific voice. A voice from my past. I tried to fight it but I gave into nostalgia and watched the YouTube video it came from and, as my punishment, I was haunted by it all day. No matter how I tried to distract myself, no matter how many other songs I listened to, no matter how many people I talked to, the song came back. It carried on until a little bit ago when, during my mantra meditation, it was replaced by this song. And I let it go. Sometimes, there's a reason why the past should stay in the past - you just have to remind yourself. That's the lesson of Mercury Retrograde.

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground

Try this trick and spin it, yeah

Your head will collapse

But there's nothing in it

And you'll ask yourself

In spiritual circles, they talk a lot about surrender, which is a difficult concept to explain. Every time I think I understand - when I think I've actually felt like I've surrendered - I hit a patch of resistance that drives me to darkness. But when I get through it, there's an even deeper level to surrender to. It feels like a slow state of becoming. That's the only way I can describe it. I'm no longer interested in being someone I'm not. I'm not worried about what people think of me. I don't want to force myself to do things I don't want to do because I'm supposed to. I'm trying to listen to that tiny voice that helps me decipher what I actually want. For example, I was browsing Twitter and someone was talking about a writer's retreat that they went on recently. And I thought, "Wow. I really want to do a writer's retreat one day." "Why don't you?" the tiny voice asked. "Oh, I haven't written anything worthy of disappearing for two weeks to work on. And now isn't a good time." "Some day will be, so you better keep working."

Liz Gilbert talks about this in "Eat, Pray, Love" - about how the tiny voice will tell you that you want things that seem silly and out of character. But out of character for who? That's when you realize you get to choose the person you want to be. I want to be a person who meditates and does yoga. Done! I want to be a practicing witch. Done! I want to live more sustainably. Great! I want to read these kind of books. Well, read them! I want to be fluent in French, Italian, and Icelandic. That sounds like a lot but have at it! It's not that complicated, but we make it out to be and then we make fun of people who are actually living their lives authentically. That's not who I want to be. I also don't want to be the person who is too afraid to follow where their heart takes them because they cling to a rigid of idea of who they're supposed to be. Yes, I did just reference the previous Song du Jour in this post. I've awarded myself double points.

There's this quote from "The Alchemist" that comes to mind when I get these feelings where I want something that's seemingly impossible at the moment. "When you want something, the whole Universe conspires to help you." By help, Paulo Coelho says that it shows you signs or gives you opportunities that bring you closer to your dreams. No matter what you do, everything brings you closer. And if you're seeing signs, that's what it's meant to do - to remind you of your destiny and gently bring you back to where you need to be. Or to let you know that you're on the right path. Sometimes, the signs can be overwhelming, especially when you've told yourself repeatedly that you're not supposed to want what you want. Eventually, your only choice is to surrender - accept that the signs are there and they are, in fact, bringing your mind back to this impossible, unreasonable desire. Fighting it is resistance, allowing it is surrender. As long as you're paying attention, the only thing you need to do is allow it and keep working your way forward, as usual.

A few notes on the song. It's from the Pixies' iconic album, "Surfer Rosa." One of the first vinyls I bought. My best friend in college, Ana, had the album cover (which is the above picture) on her wall in her room. And I always wondered what her parents thought. The answer is "Who cares? That image is amazing." The singer said the song was inspired by a scuba diving session he went on. I've interpreted it as you have to control your thoughts or they'll control you. It's fitting that this song plays at the end of "Fight Club," as Jack and Marla watch the buildings collapse in front of them. Throughout the whole movie, he's let his shadow run amok and the sanest moment for him in the whole movie is watching his world crumble around him. "You met me at a very strange time in my life."

"Where is My Mind?" Video

"Giver" by K.Flay

My son and I love K.Flay. She's one of the only artists he knows by name - every time one of her music videos comes on, he gets all excited and shouts "It's K.Flay." I feel that way, too, baby. Based on her music, I feel like we've had similar life experiences. She's a fellow Cancer and she also majored in Psychology during university, which explains the introspective nature of a lot of her lyrics. This particular song came up in my playlist and it's had me thinking a lot lately. I don't know why I listen to music that makes me ruminate so hard on my existence. It just happens.

"Giver" is about that phase after what could be loosely termed a "spiritual awakening" (or a Dark Night of the Soul, more like....been through plenty of those), where you realize you've got to be different in some way. You've got to be better, or else you won't survive. But there's an insecurity that comes along with it, that you don't know how to be, that you're just going to fuck it up and it's not even worth trying. Maybe you treated others pretty shitty in the past. Or - just as bad - you've been selling yourself short. You start questioning your intentions, especially when you're trying to "make good" by being a kinder, more generous version of yourself. Or you have to fight falling back into old submissive patterns when you assert your needs and boundaries, because you immediately get pushback from those who were taking advantage of you. That's okay - keep going. That means the change is truly taking root. Because if you can't acknowledge that you were different in the past, have you really evolved? Maybe it's because of the experiences I've had, but I can always tell when someone is changing their behavior as a manipulation tactic. Perhaps it's because they become defensive when you point out their past bad behavior. If the shift was genuine, they'd be able to acknowledge and apologize for how they acted or the things they've said before. Otherwise, it's just gaslighting.

I'm learning to live

I'm trying to be better

I'm learning to give

But I don't know if I'm a giver

I don't know if I'm a giver

I don't know if I'm a giver

I got so much soul in my body

But no one keeping me honest

And whole days turn into holes in my mind

I got high hopes lots of potential

I'm high, broke, searching for symbols

And I will not let go of what is mine

This song, in particular, recently got under my skin because of something a tarot reader/social worker/counselor I follow on Twitter/Instagram, Jessica Dore, wrote for one of her daily draws. It was about gift giving as manipulation. I've always felt kind of uncomfortable with receiving gifts, because they always seemed to come with strings attached. As a result, I've always been fairly self-sufficient. If I want something, and I can afford it, I buy it. I don't need anyone to buy me anything and that's how I assert my freedom. No one owns me. And then it occurs to me - maybe the mere fact that I don't want to be owned means I can't be.

So what happens when you realize that you want gifts from certain people - especially people you feel you give a lot of time, energy, and care to - and you don't get them? I find myself saying "It's fine" a lot. And then I wonder if it's maybe my own fault - I've pretended that I'm this low-maintenance person who doesn't need or want to be spoiled for so long, people actually believed me? But asking for what I want feels burdensome and I fear that being honest about what I want will cause people to abandon me. (That's where the insecurity comes in.) Then I'm surprised when I feel depleted and resentful, because I'm still over-giving in hope that I receive a little bit in return, but it doesn't work that way. I would argue I have the opposite problem of K.Flay - I know how to give, I just don't know how to receive.

But that's part of the enlightenment and recovery. Realizing the person you pretended to be isn't who you are and navigating the obstacles you face trying to embody your authentic self. The scary thing, though, is that you will lose things along the way. Friends, lovers, addictions, coping methods, parts of your personality that you believed were "you" for so long. It's a shedding of everything that doesn't work anymore, if it ever really worked at all. The only thing to do is just trying to be that best version of yourself every day. Like K.Flay says in the song, you can't let go of what is yours.

"Giver" Video