"Giver" by K.Flay

My son and I love K.Flay. She's one of the only artists he knows by name - every time one of her music videos comes on, he gets all excited and shouts "It's K.Flay." I feel that way, too, baby. Based on her music, I feel like we've had similar life experiences. She's a fellow Cancer and she also majored in Psychology during university, which explains the introspective nature of a lot of her lyrics. This particular song came up in my playlist and it's had me thinking a lot lately. I don't know why I listen to music that makes me ruminate so hard on my existence. It just happens.

"Giver" is about that phase after what could be loosely termed a "spiritual awakening" (or a Dark Night of the Soul, more like....been through plenty of those), where you realize you've got to be different in some way. You've got to be better, or else you won't survive. But there's an insecurity that comes along with it, that you don't know how to be, that you're just going to fuck it up and it's not even worth trying. Maybe you treated others pretty shitty in the past. Or - just as bad - you've been selling yourself short. You start questioning your intentions, especially when you're trying to "make good" by being a kinder, more generous version of yourself. Or you have to fight falling back into old submissive patterns when you assert your needs and boundaries, because you immediately get pushback from those who were taking advantage of you. That's okay - keep going. That means the change is truly taking root. Because if you can't acknowledge that you were different in the past, have you really evolved? Maybe it's because of the experiences I've had, but I can always tell when someone is changing their behavior as a manipulation tactic. Perhaps it's because they become defensive when you point out their past bad behavior. If the shift was genuine, they'd be able to acknowledge and apologize for how they acted or the things they've said before. Otherwise, it's just gaslighting.

I'm learning to live

I'm trying to be better

I'm learning to give

But I don't know if I'm a giver

I don't know if I'm a giver

I don't know if I'm a giver

I got so much soul in my body

But no one keeping me honest

And whole days turn into holes in my mind

I got high hopes lots of potential

I'm high, broke, searching for symbols

And I will not let go of what is mine

This song, in particular, recently got under my skin because of something a tarot reader/social worker/counselor I follow on Twitter/Instagram, Jessica Dore, wrote for one of her daily draws. It was about gift giving as manipulation. I've always felt kind of uncomfortable with receiving gifts, because they always seemed to come with strings attached. As a result, I've always been fairly self-sufficient. If I want something, and I can afford it, I buy it. I don't need anyone to buy me anything and that's how I assert my freedom. No one owns me. And then it occurs to me - maybe the mere fact that I don't want to be owned means I can't be.

So what happens when you realize that you want gifts from certain people - especially people you feel you give a lot of time, energy, and care to - and you don't get them? I find myself saying "It's fine" a lot. And then I wonder if it's maybe my own fault - I've pretended that I'm this low-maintenance person who doesn't need or want to be spoiled for so long, people actually believed me? But asking for what I want feels burdensome and I fear that being honest about what I want will cause people to abandon me. (That's where the insecurity comes in.) Then I'm surprised when I feel depleted and resentful, because I'm still over-giving in hope that I receive a little bit in return, but it doesn't work that way. I would argue I have the opposite problem of K.Flay - I know how to give, I just don't know how to receive.

But that's part of the enlightenment and recovery. Realizing the person you pretended to be isn't who you are and navigating the obstacles you face trying to embody your authentic self. The scary thing, though, is that you will lose things along the way. Friends, lovers, addictions, coping methods, parts of your personality that you believed were "you" for so long. It's a shedding of everything that doesn't work anymore, if it ever really worked at all. The only thing to do is just trying to be that best version of yourself every day. Like K.Flay says in the song, you can't let go of what is yours.

"Giver" Video