"Mansion" by NF and Fleurie

This song popped up on one of the "Cancer Cosmic Playlists" on Spotify. I love songs with the juxtaposition of beautiful, ethereal vocals against the rawness of rapped verses (like "Airplanes" by B.o.B. & Hayley Williams and "Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem & Rihanna). These lyrics hit pretty hard and - even though it's not the best song to listen to first thing in the morning on your way to work - I felt a deep connection with the words. The joke about Cancers is that they're "cry babies" but their symbol is a crab for a reason. We are sensitive, but you have to get through the tough shell first....and we only let certain people do that, if at all. "Mansion" is about the inability to allow yourself to be vulnerable, which is something I think most people struggle with. Especially for those with a history of trauma, they've learned that any level of vulnerability is unsafe, so they've built up walls upon walls of defense mechanisms. In the song, NF describes it as the titular "Mansion," where each room holds all his trauma, pain, regrets, and - most notably - his fear. In his dark moments, he paces its rooms, revisits all the ugliness. It's a prison for him and he's afraid to let anyone see it because, the minute he does, they'll leave him.

Insidious is blind inception

What's reality with all these questions?

Feels like I missed my alarm and slept in (slept in)

Broken legs but I chase perfection

These walls are my blank expression

My mind is a home I'm trapped in

And it's lonely inside this mansion

Lately, I had been thinking that things that happened in my childhood seem so far away. Like they didn't happen, almost. Even events that happened a year ago seem irrelevant now, irrelevant to moving forward, irrelevant to getting where I want to go. But I woke up on Friday in a panic, because I could literally hear my parents fighting in my sleep. The thing I remember most is the vocal fry that happens when people scream. The sound is so familiar to me. I hate it. I try not to yell when I'm angry and I try to avoid screaming to the point where my voice gets that harsh. The sound scares me so much that I can't even stand when my own voice gets to that point. I don't know if it was a dream or a memory or something my head put together - all the fights blur together and it always seemed like it was the same fight over and over.

Revisiting abnormal psychology and understanding what happened to me helps, in a way. I've been reading articles and watching videos about narcissistic abuse lately and why people stay stuck in these relationships for so long. Sometimes decades, even when it feels wrong. Even when the abuse is so obvious. The thing is that it's a process that slowly breaks down your identity and your mind until you're entirely dependent upon an abuser for your self-worth. And if you start to assert yourself or start getting your self-worth built up by outside sources, the abuse usually gets worse because the abuser feels like they've lost control. There's a whole cycle to it. In romantic relationships, the abuser will go through periods where they're the person you always wanted them to be or the person they were at the beginning of the relationship (called "love-bombing") - but it never lasts. Once you're back under their control, they're back to being angry all the time (because anger is how they control your behavior) and treating you like you're worthless. But the small kindnesses that they dole out, the breadcrumbs of "love," are so addictive because you're so depleted, you keep coming back for more. Slowly, your expectations for this person become less and less. The problem is you're never going to get the validation you crave from this person because - no matter what you do - they are never happy. You can never satisfy them and it destroys your perception of yourself. You begin to think of yourself as unlovable and unworthy.

A reason this cycle is so effective is that the brain doesn't like cognitive dissonance. For example, a person says they love you but they treat you like shit, the mind resolves that incongruity by turning inward and building an idea of yourself that you must be this terrible person that your abuser says you are. Which makes them seem even more Savior-like because, "Oh wow! I'm this terrible person and they stay anyway! They must really love me!" Wrong. Narcissistic abusers are literally vampires and they're staying around because you still have something for them to siphon out (money, attention, status). The minute all that goes away, they'll leave. That's another fallacy of modern society is that we're so entrenched with protecting our collective abandonment wound that we've twisted relationships to mean that staying = love. But staying in a relationship with someone who treats you like you don't matter, who calls you names, and continuously invalidates your feelings or thoughts, will destroy your capacity to love yourself. Claiming to love someone but not treating them with respect - especially when emotions are high - is a huge red flag. Unfortunately, it's usually one we ignore until it's too late, because we're desperate to feel loved. This is why, if you had narcissistic parents growing up, you're more likely to end up in similar relationships as an adult. This instability seems like "normal" relationship troubles. It's not.

Another reason why narcissistic abuse continues for so long is that it fucks with your memory. Gaslighting is a technique specifically designed to make you question your rational mind. For example, you might bring up something the person said in a previous conversation and they'll reply "I never said that!" or "That doesn't sound like me!" Normal (non-narcissistic people) will immediately question themselves and wonder if maybe they just remembered it wrong. That's something a narcissist is counting on. Long-term, it results in a sort of brain fog, where you're not even sure if you're remembering other important details of your life correctly. It ensures that you won't tell anyone or, if you do, that you won't be believed. The antidote for this is to write these moments down and/or tell a trusted friend. Both of these methods serve as an external memory, as it were, that helps to remind you that what you're experiencing is not just in your head. That it's real. I journaled off and on throughout high school and so did my little sister, and this helped immensely. It always terrified me that my mom would find our writings, to the point where - during one of the worst periods - I called my little sister and told her to burn my notebooks and her journals if she had to. As a writer, this is a nigh un-thinkable act but, at the time, I would've done anything to protect myself and my sisters. It's also important to note that my mom always hated my friends and would blame them for me acting in certain ways. I never told them about it, because I didn't want them to feel bad. To be honest, my friends saved me. They gave me a place to go when it got really bad and they reminded me that I wasn't ugly and stupid, that these were just words my mom used to hurt me. A narcissistic abuser will want to isolate you as much as possible to prevent others from destroying the negative self-perception you have of yourself. They won't want you talking to your family or will talk negatively about your family. They will not want to hang out with your friends and will get upset if you want to spend time with your friends without them. It's important that you stay connected to friends and family anyway, because you'll need that support network if you try to leave.

So this part of my house, no one's been in it for years

I built the safe room and I don't let no one in there

'Cause if I do, there's a chance that they might disappear and not come back

And I admit I am emotionally scared to let anyone inside

So I just leave my doors locked

You might get other doors to open up but this door's not

'Cause I don't want you to have the opportunity to hurt me

And I'll be the only person that I can blame when you desert me

I'm barricaded inside so stop watching

I'm not coming to the door so stop knocking, stop knocking

I'm trapped here, God keeps saying I'm not locked in

I chose this, I am lost in my own conscience

I know that shutting the wall down ain't solving the problem

But I didn't build this house because I thought it would solve 'em

I built it because I thought that it was safer in there

But it's not, I'm not the only thing that's living in here

Fear came to my house years ago, I let him in

Maybe that's the problem 'cause I've been dealing with this ever since

I thought that he would leave, but it's obvious he never did

He must have picked the room and got comfortable and settled in

Now I'm in the position it's either sit here and let him win

Or put him back outside where he came from, but I never can

'Cause in order to do that I'd have to open the doors

Is that me or the fear talking?

I don't know anymore

NF doesn't address it in the song, but the way you get rid of the fear is to burn the fucking house down. Destroy it, room by room. We call this process therapy and, to quote Channing Tatum, "everybody needs to be in therapy." He's not wrong. You have to walk through the rooms - the painful memories, the regrets, the mistakes - and remind yourself that, even though they happened, they don't have to define you. Bad things may have happened to you, you may have done bad things, but that doesn't make you a bad person. I'm not saying those triggers won't come up ever again if you go through therapy - they will (as my recent experiences attest). You'll just be able to deal with them in more healthy ways. Instead of getting drunk, you'll go exercise or call a friend. Instead of engaging in self-destructive behaviors (like cutting or starving yourself), you make art or write or meditate. Life after trauma is a slow process, almost painfully slow at times, especially when it feels like you're going backwards. You have to be brave enough to discover who you are without that negative influence in your life. It's scary. The loneliness can be so scary that it's almost preferable to go back to an unhealthy situation. But learn to become comfortable with being alone, with being by yourself. Moments of solitude is where you learn that you are enough.

I've been in a good place recently but the last couple of days, my mind has been very heavy. I feel lighter now. I hope sharing my experiences and knowledge help someone, especially anyone who is still going through this. You're not alone and you're not imagining things.

"Mansion" Video