I do this thing where I can remember exactly where I heard a song. Every time. It comes in handy when it gets stuck in my head 6 months to a decade after I initially heard it. That's kind of why I love Spotify - it saves the exact date that you liked a song. If I can roughly remember where I was in my life when I discovered it, I usually added it to my playlist around that time and can find it pretty quickly. I don't remember hearing this song when I was growing up, which is when it was popular. No, I remember hearing it for the first time in the background of a scene for "Bates Motel," a show I watched primarily because Freddie Highmore (who played Norman Bates) reminded me of Mr. Nice Guy. Ironically. In the scene, Norma Bates is driving around the new town they moved to - a move she makes after the death of her abusive husband. The music selection in those first couple episodes was almost too fitting.
I am still living with your ghost
Lonely and dreaming of the west coast
I don't want to be your downtime
I don't want to be your stupid game
"Santa Monica" is about choosing to move on. However, to say this song is about moving on would be an understatement. It's about moving on after you've hit rock bottom. When you stop, realize what is actually happening and decide to do something different because continuing with your existence the way it is would be unbearable. This song is about how hard choosing yourself can be when you've chosen the path of self-destruction for so long. It's a process. The temptation to look back - maybe even return to old ways - is ever present. Self-destruction can look like many things - drug/alcohol addiction, self-mutilation, habitual promiscuity, staying in a toxic relationship or a relationship where you feel unloved and unwanted. The lyrics are framed as if he's singing about leaving such a relationship - a relationship where he's clearly more invested than the other person. However, you could interpret the lyrics as trying to get away from other addictions as well. To understand how, you have to understand the mindset Art Alexakis was in when he wrote "Santa Monica."
Alexakis had a rough childhood. His father left his family. He was bullied by the kids in his neighborhood (which was not exactly what you'd call a "good" neighborhood). He spent a lot of his adolescence trying drugs and drinking. His older brother died of a heroin overdose and then his girlfriend committed suicide. After all this, he found himself on the Santa Monica Pier with his pockets filled with sand and lead, intent on jumping into the ocean to drown. He didn't succeed, of course. He said he heard his brother's voice and that motivated him to survive the attempt. It also inspired him to write "Santa Monica." Since that time, he's lived a sober life, became a Christian (but not the evangelizing kind), and has become an advocate for drug awareness, gay rights, and children's programs. Not what you'd expect of a rock star but you'd be surprised how many musicians end up on similar paths.
I am still dreaming of your face
Hungry and hollow for all the things you took away
I don't want to be your good time
I don't want to be your fall-back crutch anymore
I'll walk right out into a brand new day
Insane and rising in my own weird way
I don't want to be the bad guy
I don't want to do your sleepwalk dance anymore
I found myself ruminating on these lyrics all day, particularly when I got stuck in the supermarket after a spectacular miscalculation in my choice of check-out lines. The lyric that always catches me (and the one that caught me while watching the show) is "I don't want to be the bad guy." That particular line resonates me because I'm realizing that I've spent a lot of my life concerned about that. I don't want to be the bad guy....so I don't voice my needs or enforce my boundaries. I don't want to be the bad guy so I forgive the shitty friend who was talking behind my back. Within the context of the song, he doesn't want to be the bad guy for walking away from a person/situation, even though it was lowering his self-esteem. Because, when you do that, when you make a choice that is purely in your best interest - others will call you selfish. You don't want to hang out with your friends anymore, even though they encourage to drink and do drugs? You want to break up with someone who is only with you when it's convenient for them? You're a terrible person....
Except you're not. Not even close. How many babies have you sacrificed today? Zero?! Those are rookie numbers, you gotta pump those numbers up! Seriously, though, sometimes you have to reach rock bottom to realize that choosing yourself is the only way to get unstuck. There will be these moments in your life when you have a chance to look in the mirror and see yourself. Really see yourself, without all the delusions clouding your vision. And it takes a lot of courage and strength to admit, "I'm fucking up. I have to change something or else, I'm going to wind up dead." Or worse....expelled. Unfortunately, the most impactful changes aren't the easiest. If drinking a green smoothie every morning could fix depression and low self-esteem, that would be amazing. However, it's not. Sometimes it involves cutting contact with people you've known forever, going to rehab or therapy, quitting the job you hate, being celibate for a year, or being committed to a healthy lifestyle. And you have to be prepared for those moments of weakness, in the beginning. For example, I occasionally think about going out and getting really drunk, especially when I'm not feeling social. I usually get a wave of that when I'm the lame-o who orders a blackberry lemonade when everyone else is on their second mixed drink or beer. But I can handle that. On my worst days, I still seriously consider maybe not eating for a week, because I know it will make me less anxious. Then I remind myself that "Skeletor" isn't a good look for anyone. Those lapses happen. Once in a while, you'll get it into your head that giving in to those temptations are what's best for you and you'll have to find out the hard way that they aren't. That's okay. If/when they do happen, you just have to remember what you want and walk away from things that don't lead you there.
"Santa Monica" Video
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