"I'll Stand by You" by The Pretenders

The trailer for the new movie about Mr. Rogers dropped yesterday. Naturally, everybody was in their feels....which was fitting, since it was the last day of Cancer season. Mr. Rogers, as a person, has always been an inspiration to me. He followed a doctrine of radical kindness. Of radical compassion. He was a man of conviction and stood by his principles, even when it was difficult and especially when the spotlight was on him. But, most importantly, was his consistent assertion that everyone is a unique individual, worthy of kindness, respect, and love. He understood that feelings are hard and complicated, and sometimes we need to help each other get through them. It's a worldview that requires what seems like an astronomical amount of courage and empathy, but it's possible. When I feel like I've fallen far short of being radically kind and compassionate, I try to remember that - not only is it possible - but I've seen it.

Radical kindness is a serious, purposeful, and aggressive effort to treat everyone with kindness, regardless of how they've treated you. This does not mean becoming a doormat - there is a place for asserting your boundaries with kindness and grace. Sometimes, that means calmly walking away from an argument when it appears the other person has no interest in de-escalating. Sometimes that means gently pointing out that another person said something hurtful and firmly asking them to refrain from saying those things. It means not ignoring bad behavior but pointing it out in a way that doesn't make the other person defensive. Mostly, to be radically kind without turning into a doormat begins with being kind to yourself. Acknowledging that you deserve to be treated with kindness, patience, and compassion, too.

Oh, why you look so sad?

Tears are in your eyes

Come on and come to me now

Don't be ashamed to cry

Let me see you through

'Cause I've seen the dark side too

When the night falls on you

You don't know what to do

Nothin' you confess, could make me love you less

I think the hardest struggle people have (including myself) with kindness is black and white-thinking. We have a tendency to make judgments quickly on minimal information and those judgments color our perception going forward. Being kind requires having an open mind - to entertain the possibility that others are complex organisms that cannot classified by what we perceive is "good" or "bad" about them. Being kind requires us to accept who people are in a given moment and still remember that they are worthy of being given respect. Being kind requires us to have courage because, sometimes, being kind requires us to step out of our comfort zone and give of ourselves. For example, giving someone a compliment or volunteering to help with a bake sale (even though you're not exactly good with social interactions). It requires us to get out of our heads and I'm convinced that - in order to be a truly kind and loving person - you have to give zero fucks about what others think of you. Fred Rogers clearly didn't give any fucks about what people thought about him. Quite frankly, it's none of my business what others think of me. I can't control what they think, I can only control my actions, and I choose for my actions to fall in line with my principles.

One thing that always bothered me about the Harry Potter series. In the first book, when Draco Malfoy says that Harry should be careful of making friends with the "wrong sort," Harry made it a choice between being friends with Draco or being friends with Ron. I always felt that, if Harry had decided to be friends with both of them, Draco's story could've been different. Now, would Draco have taken that compromise? I don't know. And maybe Harry needed to learn the lesson that bad behavior is often a defense mechanism for broken people. I think that's something I struggle with, too - it's easy to empathize with the underdog and the downtrodden, but how do you empathize with a bully? Well, you have to acknowledge that you don't know their personal backstory or what they're struggling with at any particular moment. You have to think back on a time where you might've behaved the same way. Then, you still have to address it - you can't let someone continue with bullying/abusive behavior, because it is not good for them or the people around them. I learned a lot about this method when learning about Borderline Personality Disorder - "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" by Jerold Kreisman and Hal Straus was probably the first psychology book I ever read and it helped me understand my mom a lot. The ACT method is fairly simple - Acknowledge that the emotion the person is feeling is real and valid, react with Compassion, but be Truthful about their behavior. I think this isn't just helpful in dealing with BPD but for interacting with humans in general and I try to keep it in mind when communicating with others.

"I'll Stand by You" Video