"Stupid Girl" by Cold

I've been listening to a lot of loud, somewhat angry music lately. This song came up in my playlist recently. It's an older one from a band I used to listen to in high school. It struck me because - ostensibly - it's a love song. That's actually a common topic for music, especially male-dominated bands - the angry love song. A distinction - these are different from break-up songs and unrequited love songs because the subject the person is singing about often loves the singer back or, at least, reciprocates their affections in some way. No, the singer is angry because his love for the person causes him to actually take a deep look at himself - to face his own emotions, behaviors, and habits - and sometimes, he doesn't like what he sees. This is not something society encourages men to do. In fact, a lot of our programming tells them to actively avoid this level of self-reflection. So when he encounters a trigger that forces him to do so - i.e., the object of his affection - it can manifest as anger towards the person.

What's the source of this anger? Well, many things. Feeling powerless and weak (and therefore, resentful) that he needs and wants this person around all the time, especially at first. Shame at the sexual urges he has towards someone who he sees as pure and good (because society has taught us that sex is an act of denigration, not of love). I would classify the song "Closer" by NIN in this category for this reason. Guilt for not being able to protect or provide for their person. I heard in a psychology lecture that love, for men, often manifests as a strong protection instinct. A man will do anything to protect someone he loves, even if the thing he has to protect them from is himself. This reminds me of the ending scene of "The Butterfly Effect." Ashton Kutcher keeps going back in time to prevent the woman he loves from a life of suffering. Keep in mind, he remembers all the timelines when he jumps so he starts to recognize a pattern in all of them. Ultimately, what he has to do is make it so she will never be close to him. Ever. So when he sees the woman on the street in the final timeline, after they both grow up to be successful, functional adults, he keeps on walking. Because he ain't going to risk it. It's complicated but I think I'm starting to understand it.

I can't take this

Born to break this

She's going away (She's going away)

What's wrong with my life today?

She's going away (She's going away)

What's wrong with my life today?

In tarot and astrological circles, 2020 has been touted as the Year of the Emperor, which is a fancy way of saying the collective focus is shifting onto masculine energies. With Mars moving into Aries conjunct Chiron, the next half of the year has a special emphasis on the Wounded Masculine. In particular, we're going to be collectively working on how this energy can be distorted, the effects of this distortion, and how to correct it on an individual and collective scale. There is nothing inherently bad about Masculine energy, just as there is nothing inherently bad about Feminine energy. It is how it is channeled, manipulated, and used that causes problems. For the sake of explanation, please note that I'm using Masculine and Feminine in the sense of Hermetic polarities. All things have both energies in varying degrees. Some things/people may have more of one polarity than the other but the ultimate goal is to balance the polarities overall, to bring harmony to the Universe. It has nothing to do with boy vs girl, although we tend to think of men having more masculine energy and women having more feminine energy. This is not always the case, by any means, and regardless of what you believe your personal mix of polarities is, it would be foolish to cultivate one but neglect the other. In order to have balance, you must work to improve and perfect both.

In order to go forward, let's give a basic definition of the Masculine polarity (in Hermeticism). It is an active energy with special emphasis discipline, focus, order, justice, honor, physical strength, and physical courage. Whereas the Feminine is the receptive energy, the Masculine is the providing energy. It's primarily ruled by logic, reason, and rationality. (Going back to the above discussion, this is how men get to the point of staying away from their lover to keep them safe - s/he needs to be protected from being hurt; I hurt her/him, therefore s/he needs to be protected from me. Makes perfect sense from a logical standpoint.) The Divine Masculine within us is a protector and a leader.

I'm a loner, I'm a loser

I'm a winner in my mind

I'm a bad one, I'm a good one

I'm a sick one with a smile

One of the spiritual accounts I follow on Twitter tweeted something that caught my imagination - it was something to the effect of "the Feminine [polarity/energy] resents an ineffective Masculine." So what makes our inner masculine "ineffective?" Well, it starts with not protecting ourselves - not speaking up for our own best interests (protecting needs and boundaries) or standing by our beliefs and principles (maintaining discipline and honor). It's not backing up our words with our actions. It manifests as not following through with our goals or going after what we say we want. It's not having the courage to ask for what we want in the first place. It's not expressing our individuality or letting ourselves be overpowered by another's opinion of us. In these circumstances, it represses the Divine Feminine as well, because she represents our creative force and inner wisdom. She is counting on the Divine Masculine to act on her intuitive insights, to trust her guidance. If the Masculine is stuck in a place of fear and inaction, the Feminine could be screaming "this is what you want and this is what you need to get it" and it wouldn't matter. She goes unheard because the will to act is simply not there. And nothing makes the Feminine more resentful than feeling unheard, misunderstood, and disrespected (*cough*Lilith and Eris will also be conjunct in Aries*cough*).

Final question: So how do we strengthen and support our inner Divine Masculine? I'd rather not leave you with "just don't do those things I listed" but that's essentially it. A lot of the work is getting clear on what you want - define, in no uncertain terms, your desires, needs, and boundaries. Going a step further, define what your principles and beliefs are - and then act on them. For example, I believe that all people deserve to be treated with kindness and respect and I strive to have my actions reflect that. Next step is defining your goals, choosing one or two, and put a plan in place to meet them. Simple example - you want to live a healthier lifestyle. Write down what a healthy lifestyle would look like for you - drinking more water, eating more veggies, cutting down on alcohol, meditating everyday, exercising a specified amount of time each week, etc. Then start taking steps that help you meet that goal and track your progress. Nothing encourages and supports discipline and accountability like keeping records, whether that be in the form of an app, taking selfies every day, or keeping a bullet journal for your new habits. Speak your Truth. Nurture and protect your inner Divine Feminine - if she gives you an intuitive insight, don't ignore it. Take note of it, think on it, and act on it, if need be. Cultivate creativity and curiosity, seek out Beauty. Follow where she leads, because she's doing it to support your efforts to live in accordance with your Highest Self (which you just defined in the previous steps I mentioned). Finally, remember that this is an on-going and iterative process. Failure is a mindset, not a conclusion. You will fuck up - what matters most is you acknowledge that you fucked up and then you keep going anyway.

"Stupid Girl" Video

"Broken Angel" by Hanson

Well, here comes my inner nerd again....today is Hanson Day, my friends. It is in Oklahoma, at least, and as a former (and forever) fan, May 6th will live on in my memory as such. Side note - I've always considered 6 a lucky number for me. Several important people in my life (including myself) were born on the 6th, multiple key days in my life fall on the 6, and I pretty sure that if I ever win the lotto, the number 6 will be involved somehow. Now, I'm sure you can understand my dilemma of trying to find a sufficiently dark Hanson song to write about today. Two came to mind instantly. "Broken Angel" and "Lulabelle." Personally, despite it's lullaby-like whimsical sound, I think "Lulabelle" is the darker (and more sad) of the two but I think that's mostly because of the back story I've ascribed to it. True to form, these are two of my favorite Hanson songs. Not coincidentally, they are both sung by Zac. Don't get me wrong....Taylor's great. But I prefer the huskiness in Zac's voice. It has more soul, in my opinion.

If you listen to the lyrics, "Broken Angel" is about an angel trying to fit in - maybe punching above his weight a little - but he's doing his best. But his best never seems to be enough for those judging him. As a result, he does something a little reckless to prove himself, but he pays for it in the end. When asked about the song in an interview, Zac said it was about the disappointments we face in life. Even if you go after a dream, you may not achieve it. Even if you find the perfect person, you might not be together forever. Fairy tales don't always come true, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't believe in them. The fact that these moments are so rare is what makes them precious and beautiful, and we should keep looking for them. In Zac's words, "you should still get up and strive to be a better person, live a better life and do these things; not to fall into the norm, but strive to do something great with your life." I concur, which is why I'm so hopeful still. Just because things didn't work out this time doesn't mean you should give up.

I pull my way up through this crowd 

To find your body crushed on the ground 

It's so obvious; why couldn't you see?

That you can't go high-flying 

Without a pair of high-flyer wings?

Little one's broken lying on the ground 

Trying to get up 'till his last breath out 

Wings are strewn everywhere; there's blood all around 

'Cause even angels die, but that light just fades 

It's so sad, but he'd be so proud 

The archetype I wanted to discuss today is a shadow of the King, a master masculine archetype - the Weakling. He lacks confidence and security in himself, and thus gives his power away to others. He allows those others to tell him who he is and how he should behave. Even how he should feel about certain situations. Because he feels powerless in his own life, he may be oversensitive to the moods and criticism over those who he perceives to have power over him - his supervisor, his friends, or his significant other. - and may feel desperate for their approval or validation. When he doesn't get it, he grows despondent because he has no identity without it. This feeling of powerlessness leaves The Weakling doubtful of his ability to lead, act, or even make decisions within his own life.

The Weakling is often a doormat, giving in to other's whims easily and allowing them to shape his identity. If you're manifesting this shadow in your own life, this may take the form of poor boundaries - letting people get away with treating you disrespectfully or allowing them to disregard your needs to avoid confrontation. It may manifest as Imposter Syndrome, forever paranoid that someone will discover that you're a fraud who doesn't know anything. You may come of as confident - maybe even a little arrogant - but deep down, you're afraid that you're not actually as good as you say you are.

It's important to look at these different aspects of the Weakling in order to bring ourselves into alignment with our inner King energy, which is balanced, decisive, and driven; has clear values and boundaries; has a strong sense of identity, with very little need for external validation; and is actively pursuing a greater purpose within his life. Essentially, with The King archetype and its shadows, we're concerned with being in our own power, which includes being cognizant of how we wield it (or if wield it at all). Some questions to ask during shadow work:

• Do I let others tell me who I am? Do I let others tell me how to feel or behave?
• What negative beliefs do I hold about myself? Can I identify the original source? - This requires examining your personal relationships (especially parental and romantic relationships) and being honest about how much negativity others project onto you. It may be uncomfortable to admit that people you love have subconsciously programmed you to think badly about yourself. Don't worry - we'll handle how to address that in a couple sentences.
• Do I have a clear vision for my life? Or did I have a clear vision/dream at some point that I chose to give up on? If so, why did I give up on it?
• Am I overly dependent on external validation? How do I react when I don't receive the validation I need from someone (especially loved ones)?
• Do I let others violate my boundaries? - For example, if a loved one breaks a promise or returns to a behavior after you've already said makes you unhappy, do you hold your ground (reinforce your boundary) or pretend to let it go (even though you're privately hurt)?

Those should take a while to sort through, because these questions tend to reveal core wounds. Fear of abandonment or rejection. Feeling unloved and unworthy because of something intrinsic to ourselves. Things that make as act out in unpredictable ways that may not always be in our own best interest. Luckily, inner child work, defining clear boundaries, and developing/understanding our core values and goals can help resolve most of these issues.

• There are multiple ways to develop a vision for your life. The simplest way is to write down what you want to accomplish in your life and start pursuing it. Good exercises are coming up with a Bucket List, creating a dream board, or writing your own obituary (a personal favorite - my obituary has been revised/re-written several times). The point is to be clear about what you want in life, which people really need to start doing earlier.
• Write down all your good qualities and then craft personalized affirmations - e.g., I am wonderfully creative individual with tons of ideas.
• When someone upsets you because of something they did, tell them. If they do it again, tell them again in very definite terms. And if they keep doing it, even though they know it upsets you, really consider whether or not you need to have that person in your life. Please note that I'm not talking about annoying ticks like chewing too loudly. I'm talking about big things like lying to you or keeping secrets (even small, seemingly innocuous things), violating your personal space, lashing out at you when they're upset, ignoring your needs, gaslighting - just generally abusive stuff that we've come to accept because, well, that's "normal" in a relationship, right? No. Not in healthy one.
• When someone criticizes you, really consider whether it's a) warranted and b) true. Don't let others tell you who you are. And if they do, kindly tell them to fuck off (if possible - this is probably not suitable in all situations). 
• Really take notice how the people you hang around react to you implementing the above two suggestions. If they are not supportive and don't respect the boundaries you set (or get upset that you're setting boundaries), really consider how much you need to interact with those people. Yes, this includes family, which is why that makes it an uncomfortable step.
• When interacting with others, be aware of whether or not you are respecting their boundaries and identity. All people deserve to be treated with respect and decency, regardless of your personal opinion of them. Part of shadow work is acknowledging that you may have not always treated people with kindness and understanding, and using that knowledge to be a better person going forward.

Not going to lie, shadow work can be intensive and it's not easy to do because it tends to trigger us in the worst way possible. I recommend not listening to songs like "Broken Angel" after trying to answer some of the questions listed today. It's not going to be pretty for anyone involved. In the end, though, it's be worth it because the point is to be your best self. Part of that is understanding where the shadow came from. I'll end with a quote from Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu:  "Knowing others is wisdom. Knowing the self is enlightenment. Mastering others requires force. Mastering the self requires strength."

"Broken Angel" Video