"The Horror of Our Love" by Ludo

A friend introduced me to Ludo a while ago and I'm slowly discovering their music. I love the imagery they use - it's graphic and dramatic. Visceral in a disturbing, yet satisfying way. I found this song a few months ago on YouTube and, though I liked it, I forgot about it for a bit. But about a month ago, I woke up with it stuck in my head. I had to find it again and the entire day, I played it on repeat. I do that with songs I really like. I was obsessed. I'm still fairly obsessed with this song. It's already made it into the Top 10 Favorites. Heck, I think it might even be a member of the Unskippables now, and that's saying something. I even skip "Bohemian Rhapsody" if I'm not feeling it. Don't judge me. It's even in that special place reserved for other favorites, like "Iris" and "Everything", where if I hear the end of the song approaching, I will preemptively hit the repeat button. Because I don't want it to end.

There's this guy I follow on Twitter - Doth the Doth - who tweets random goth stuff. Things like "It's a perfect night to slip into something more comfortable, like the coffin." Or, "Maybe she's born with it or maybe she has eaten all the hearts of those who have wronged her." I think he may be a literature professor at Harvard. He puts a spin on modern trends and sayings using the tropes found in gothic and classic horror novels/poetry. As a huge geek for both of these genres, his tweets are always a welcome sight in my feed. As a writer whose style is slowly growing comfortable with these themes, it always helps to have some extra inspiration. I bring up Doth because Ludo has done something similar with the lyrics and it helps to have a reference point.

The lyrics for "The Horror of Our Love" reminds me of the following scene from "The Addams Family":

I feel like everyone and their mom is goth nowadays, claiming to want a romance like Morticia and Gomez, but the truth is....most girls scare too easy. A boy writes them a short, two-paragraph love letter in his own blood and all of a sudden he's "weird" and "creepy" and "not their type." Seriously....What did you think you were getting into when you started dating a guy who wears all black and hangs out in cemeteries? There's a similar meme about dating goth girls: "Everybody wants a goth bitch but when it's time to dick her down in a pool of goat's blood while surrounded by sacrificial pagan flames so she can summon Baphomet, you want to complain. SMH." I know this paragraph took a hard left turn but the point is some people think that level of intensity is...romantic. In a dark, dramatic way. I'm one of these people I speak of. Perhaps not the goat's blood - that sounds a little unsanitary - but the rest of it, sure. But I'm also a hopeless romantic. There is absolutely no difference in how I react to Morticia & Gomez and people in romantic comedies. I squeal for everything. Maybe I just like seeing people happy and in love. But I also believe every Gomez has a Morticia, which - after having a discussion with my coworker - is perhaps a little naive. But I don't want to be cynical yet. I'm too young.

Perhaps this is more Scorpio Moon bullshit, but I believe sexuality is sacred. The act of sex itself - regardless of who you're doing it with or how frequently - is always special and powerful. So the metaphors and imagery in this song's lyrics resonate with me on a deep level. Yes, I think it's romantic and stimulating. And Neptune falls in my 8th House, so I have a very active imagination when it comes to this stuff (and by "this stuff," apparently I mean sex and death - the 8th House is nicknamed the House of Sex, Death, and Taxes....I'm good at thinking about money, too). If you listen to the lyrics, it's pretty obvious he's describing a sexual encounter, but he hides it in gore and mystery, heightening the occult importance of sex. Given this foundational knowledge, the verses can be broken into three acts - the Hunt (i.e., the lust and desire leading up to the act, the thinking of which is essential to foreplay), the Great Rite itself, and then after-care....and possibly Round Two.

I wake in terror, blackbirds screaming

Dark cathedrals spilling midnight on their altars

I'm your servant, my immortal

Pale and perfect, such unholy heaving

The statues close their eyes, the room is changing

Break my skin and drain me

Ancient language, speak through fingers

The awful edges where you end and I begin

Inside your mouth I cannot see

There's catastrophe in everything I'm touching

As I sweat and crush you

And I hold your beating chambers until they beat no more

You die like angels sing...

That's the second verse, which is my favorite verse. I mentioned the Great Rite, so I'll go into a little back story, since not everyone has been steeped in weird occult rituals and symbolism like a fine tea. The Great Rite is a pagan ritual that involves symbolic (or actual) sexual intercourse, symbolizing the powerful connection created upon the union of masculine and feminine energy. Yeah - most of the early Wiccan leaders were dirty old men. That being said, there is something incredibly powerful about the ritual. In Feri tradition - if the information portrayed in Alex Mars' "Witches of America" is accurate - after their initiation, when they find out the true names of the Gods, they have sex (with a partner of their choice) in service of the God and Goddess. It's more than that. It's more like they invite the God and Goddess into themselves and the body of their partner to perform this sacred act. It's essentially using the sexual energy to activate the power of the ritual. To truly understand the alchemy. To go physically go through rebirth into a new person. A mystical person. Maybe I'm weird (and I know I am) but something about that perspective - when I read (or rather, listened - it was an audiobook) to the description, it sounded incredibly appealing to me. And the lyrics of this song make me think he's making love as if he's worshiping the Goddess, embodied in this delicate creature. It's as if he thinks himself unworthy, but he feels compelled. Like it's a desperate hunger. The love-making starts gentle and then, by the end, he's no longer in control.

On a more academic note, I'm going to go through the various lyrics and my interpretation describing how I reached this conclusion. I've taken both multiple Human Sexuality and English Literature courses so - trust me - I'm a professional and (generally) know what I'm talking about.

• "Hold you down and tear you open, live inside you" - He's craving some rather rough action. This is about the moment I start daydreaming. 
• "I will eat you slowly..." - I think this one is fairly self-evident. Again, more daydreaming.
• "Break my skin and drain me" - Who doesn't like the feeling of fingernails down their back? And I think we know what he wants drained, if ya know what I mean. **hint hint wink wink**
• "And I hold your beating chambers until they beat no more" - During the female orgasm, the vaginal muscles will contract rhythmically. The movement is obvious if you're paying attention (which, admittedly, most people wouldn't be). The more powerful and longer-lasting the contractions, the more powerful the orgasm. It's science. They've measured it - you can thank Masters and Johnson for doing this vital work. Essentially, he's saying he stays put until she's finished...which is appreciated.
• "You die like angels sing..." - The moans a woman makes when she comes are literally music to his ears (as they should be). The French phrase for an orgasm is le petit mort, which translates to "the little death." Sex as a transformative experience, as a living death. This is classic Scorpio placement bullshit. True Story: I learned about the french translation for orgasm from "The Bride of Chucky," which is - in fact - the best of the Child's Play series, simply because Jennifer Tilly is awesome and uncompromisingly sexy in that film. Even as a doll.

Similar to "Iris," instead of the typical lyrical bridge that connects Verse 2 to Verse 3 (and, subsequently, the end of the song), "The Horror of Our Love" uses a musical interlude. I love musical interludes, because it's just wave upon wave of notes that you lose yourself in until it hits a crescendo. And this musical interlude is a flamenco guitar solo (flamenco guitars are - in fact - the best kind of guitar). It's honestly my favorite part of the song and I'm usually not big on instrumentals.

As I've mentioned before, I tend to get a lot of my inspiration for stories from the music I listen to. This song has inspired me to write a story about a Magician and his Assistant. It's basically a Beauty and the Beast story. But with more sex and blood....because Beauty and the Beast was really missing those elements. I'm letting the story form in my head right now - the brain storming stage. When I imagine a scene in my head, I will send myself a text with as many details as I see in my vision, so I can remember. Assuming I'm not in a position to begin writing what I see (which is usually the case). So far, the system works. I've been getting a lot of inspiration lately - but I'm trying this new thing where I focus on one project until I finish it before I move on to the next thing. I know. It's been a weird change - but highly effective.

Whew. I know that was a roller coaster of a blog post but I think I've written down all my (super insightful) thoughts. Now, I'm off to take a cold shower.

"The Horror of Our Love" Video

"Which Witch" by Florence + the Machine

We've already established that Florence Welch is a witch. Not only in self-identification but in the power she portrays through her music and her performances. Even watching her performances via video recordings holds a special type of magic. As I've said before, the "Ceremonials" album touched something in my heart that transformed my life utterly. And so it is with almost all her music for me - it just rings true, bringing out parts of my spirit I'd forgotten were there. With "How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful," she transmutes some deeply painful parts of her past, including bouts of self-hatred, loneliness, and relationships (one in particular) that wrenched her heart from her chest. All emotions and experiences we've all dealt with, myself included. In case you were concerned, today is the New Moon in Scorpio, which is supposed to herald an inner transformation that will carry us into 2020, bringing in a new adventure. If only we're brave enough to let go of the past. "Which Witch" speaks of the inner battle to do just that. To let go of old habits, to stop crawling back to people and situations that drain us, that leave us feeling unworthy. More than anything, Scorpio season challenges us to embrace our own intensity. Like the other Mars-rule sign, Aries, Scorpio dares us to speak our truth with our whole chest. That's one of my favorite new sayings - Say it with your whole chest. I've noticed that a lot of people don't, though. They're scared - and I understand that. I am too. And I must admit, this month's moon return has been difficult for me. My North Node is in Aries - in evolutionary astrology, my destiny to embrace individuality and independence. I was considering this, taking in my whole life story from this perspective. I've struggled with a desire to stand out and be noticed but having a talent (even an instinct, at times) for blending in. I suppose that's what it means to have a Libra South Node - wanting so desperately for everyone to feel comfortable, loved, and fairly treated, I often ignore my own needs. In trying to be everything for everybody, it's easy to lose yourself.

Who's a heretic now?

Am I making sense?

How can you make it stick?

Waiting 'til the beat comes out

Who's a heretic, child?

Can you make it stick, now?

And I'm on trial

Waiting 'til the beat comes out

To understand "Which Witch," you have to recognize that Florence is trapped in a cycle. She's in a relationship where she's trying to exert her own needs, individuality, and independence. In other songs (like "Moderation"), we've seen that her intensity has been overwhelming to others. In this song, she asserts this is just how she is - "And it's my whole heart/While tried and tested, it's mine." She acts from her heart and she's tired of keeping it behind bars just to make someone else comfortable. However, for this one person, she keeps going back and repeating the same mistakes, even though she knows it weighs on her. Make no mistake, though - she is entirely aware of the choice she's making. She feels tied to this other person and even though she tries to move on, she ends up going back, even when she shouldn't. The lesson is never learned. She says her heart can keep taking the knocks, but does she believe it? It ends with her singing notes in a ghostly scale, vaguely reminding me of Catholic Mass, which I suppose is appropriate. The title was inspired by the Inquisition, in which people were stuck in a hopeless situation where they would be tortured regardless of what they did. Whether they denied they were witches and heretics, or not. And maybe she's stuck in her own hopeless situation. It's painful to stay in the relationship and painful to go - so what does she do?

As you may have guessed, I looked to Florence's chart for answers. Like me, she has her North Node in Aries. It also surprised me that she's only a year older than me - I always thought she was at least my older sister's age. Maybe it's just because she has an old soul - of course, I get told that all the time, too. I don't really know what that even means. To be honest, I'm really bad at guessing people's ages - I always think people are younger than they are. Perhaps that's a good thing - like I have a talent for seeing people's inner child or something. Anyway, in situations like this, I've found that most spiritual teachings say to follow your heart. To chase the most authentic version of yourself. From the song lyrics, it seems like she recognizes this but it's an answer she doesn't want to accept - that she should leave the relationship and not look back. This is usually the case - the choice that takes you out of your comfort zone - that asks you to have faith in your own strength and believe that everything will fall in place after whatever trials and tribulations you have to undergo are done - is often the right choice.

I'm miles away, he's on my mind

I'm getting tired of crawling all the way

And I've had enough, it's obvious

And I'm getting tired of crawling all the way

When you first decide to get started in witchcraft, you will find that every book on witchcraft - from beginner grimoires to advanced ceremonial magic - tells you to begin a meditation practice. For young aspiring witches/wizards/sorcerers/what-have-you, this can be extremely frustrating. Because you're eager to get start making changes in your external world. However, what many young people don't understand is that, in order to make changes in the external world, you need to make changes in your internal world. As above, so below; as within, so without. In order to do that, you must embrace the stillness, the solitude. You must make peace with your mind and your soul. You must become comfortable with being alone, with only your own thoughts to guide you. Depending on your life experiences, this can be scary. The mind keeps many demons in its shadows, and walking through there alone can bring out all sorts of monsters you didn't know were hiding. There are so many distractions out there, people can spend whole lifetimes avoiding the intensity of their own Truth. For those looking to experience the mysterious and magical, you have to avoid the tendency to give in to the unrelenting and often pointless "busy-ness" of mundane life. Constant mindfulness. Even I - after a decade of self-identifying - have only really understood this part and gotten serious about having a meditation practice. It teaches focus and discipline, helps you recognize your thought patterns, and - most importantly - it makes you intimately familiar with how your body feels when you have an intuitive insight. All of this is the foundation of real magic. And, lucky you, the New Moon in Scorpio is the perfect time to begin a meditation practice.

"Which Witch" Video

"Movements in the Sky" by Church of the Cosmic Skull

I heard this song on a recent "Down at the Crossroads" episode and I really liked it. It reminds me of the 70s....and how I really was born in the wrong era. Or maybe not. Maybe I'm lucky, because all of the great music that came before has culminated in what I believe is a new Golden Age of Music. I heard that recently - that we're coming out of a Dark Age and that's why everything feels so chaotic right now. Like we don't know where to turn or who to trust, so we're having to build a new world from the pieces that are left. That sounds like a nicer proposition than the alternative - we're all fucked. But at least we're together. For what it's worth.

I was ruminating on a lot of things, witchy and otherwise. There's a strain of neo-pagan spiritual elitism that says in order to be a witch, you have a) have witch ancestry or b) be initiated into a tradition. I heartily disagree with both of these requirements. I believe that if you believe you're a witch, you're a witch. Initiations and having a teacher in your own family is a luxury very few witches actually had. The current average witch learned everything they know from his/her friends, the library, and the Internet. The ones who actually had a coven nearby to learn from were eithervery lucky or heartlessly exploited by spiritual "teachers" who preyed on young people looking for an identity. I've heard horror stories - more than the community would like to admit - about the sexual and financial abuse of spiritual seekers. Like any other belief system, we can't discount these experiences and say "oh, it's not like that." Because it invalidates the experiences of those who have suffered. Instead, we must listen and learn from these stories, and make a promise that we'll be better as we move forward.

Hear the stars

Speaking in a metaphor

Oh, as above so below

Look at the man

Searching for a semaphore

To feed into his mind

Hear your soul

Yearning for something

It found in the woods long ago

I've been thinking a lot lately about generational trauma, family sins/curses, and the effect that this has on our identity. I'm of mixed ancestry - one half Mexican, one half Italian/Sicilian. It's been complicated, especially when you're the one that "passes," which means being the one with white privilege. That's something a lot of people don't understand - Colorism, which is essentially being prejudiced against people with a different skin color even though they share your same ethnic heritage. It's prevalent in a lot of minority cultures, but most are probably aware of how it has shaped Asian culture, with the proliferation of whitening creams and the like coming out of that region. For me, being lighter meant I was automatically considered smarter and more well-behaved than my darker-skinned little sister. But it also meant feeling like I didn't fit in with the Mexican side of my family. Which is weird, because the Mexican side of my family was fairly Americanized before even my dad was born. It's a common thing with 4th and 5th (or nth) generation Hispanics - we carry the name and the genes, but we have more in common with WASPs than with the new immigrants coming in now. Which is why it doesn't surprise me that a fair number of older Hispanic people voted for Trump - they don't believe he's referring to them when he spews his vitriol. It's a hollow feeling, this weak tether to the past that you can't ignore. It's a void I feel like I'm often trying to make up for, especially in my cultural consumption. I went through a period where I was only reading Spanish and Latinx writers, like Arturo Perez-Riverte, Carlos Ruiz Zafon, and Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Or watching Hispanic comedians and watching telenovelas, even though I needed the English subtitles to understand. Even so, I also feel just as much disconnect from my Italian roots, which manifested in a desire to learn as much about Stregheria (Italian folk magic) as Brujeria (Mexican folk magic) and, to be honest, they're not that much different from each other. I also find myself longing to visit Italy and I'm prone to episodes where I'll only listen to opera or re-watch "La Dolce Vita" for the umpteenth time. As you may have noticed, I'm still struggling to reconcile these two sides of myself into a cohesive identity. Like everything, it's a work in progress. It's starting to look more like a Picasso.

I'm also taking a real hard look at the bad parts of my ancestry. For example, tomorrow is Columbus Day, which the Italian-American community (at least on the East coast) really plays up (because Columbus was Italian, obviously, even though he was commissioned by Spain for his voyage). However, there is that pesky issue where he exploited the native population when he arrived in America and murdered a number of them because - you know - exploration. But that destruction hardly rivals my Spanish ancestors, who conquered and destroyed a whole civilization in their quest for natural resources. And I won't even mention my family's participation in the creation of The Bomb. At least I can say an ancestor fought for the Union during the Civil War....but only because they were the side that was paying wages to soldiers at the time. See! Questionable choices at every turn in my family history. And it all weighs on me a little. So how do you honor ancestors who were problematic? How can you have pride in where you came from without glossing over the destruction that was left in its wake? I'm not sure - I'm still thinking about it because I'm still trying to work out the answers to those questions. It feels even more pressing now, with Dia de los Muertos around the corner. Simultaneously, it feels like a spotlight is being put on my own habits and idiosyncrasies, and the negative consequences I've chosen to be ignorant of purely because it was convenient. It's the question posited by "The Good Place" - how does one be good in a world where it is increasingly difficult to make ethical choices? It calls to mind a dream I had a while ago, where a friend asked me, "How do you know you're doing good when you don't even know what good is?" It's a question that both haunts and guides me. It reminds me to question my intentions. It cautions me to be present when I make choices.

Movements in the sky

Changing you and I

Movements in the sky

Changing my mind

This ended up being a pretty deep rant that could honestly go deeper if I just continued typing. But I'm tired. Unfortunately, actual spirituality does that to you. It overturns rocks that haven't been lifted ever and forces you to deal with what you find. It's all goodness, though, even if it's a little uncomfortable. That's where the growth is - in the moments that aren't comfortable, in the moments where you have to force yourself to be brave, in the moments where you're unsure of yourself and are making it up as you go along. Witchcraft is not the path for people who want to stay in their comfort zone.

In summation, this rant had fuck all to do with the song. The song is about astrology and the subtle influence of celestial bodies on our lives. Even if you think astrology is a bunch of bullshit, you can't deny the effect that the sun and the moon have on humans. We wouldn't be here without them and the realization of our own insignificance often causes us to turn outward in our search for meaning before turning inward in self-reflection. Rough translation but that's the gist of what I get out of the lyrics.

"Movements in the Sky" Video

"Ravens in the Library" by SJ Tucker

I first heard this one on one of my favorite podcasts, "Down at the Crossroads," which I discovered right after I had my son. I remember fondly listening DatC while taking him on walks in his stroller. "Ravens in the Library" calls to my mind a nursery rhyme, and I like to think of it as such. That's one of things I miss most about being Catholic - the music and the hymns. My favorite part of mass was singing, especially around Christmas. Since striking out on this alternate spiritual path, that's been a big part of my search - finding something to fill that musical gap. As you may have guessed, music is an essential part of my practice. I find incredible wisdom and solace in the notes and words of my favorites songs. I believe music is an ancient magic. One that most people understand deep at their core.

Words within our grasp--do we let go?

Do we fly heavily with the weight of what we know?

This song is about knowledge and the importance of books, especially in regards to the spread of the Craft. A lot of the pagan/witchy podcasts I listen to often ask their guests how they became a witch or astrologer or tarot reader (take your pick). It's comforting how similar the stories are to mine - becoming disenchanted with the religion of their youth, finding meaning in legends and stories they read in books, and cobbling together a faith of their own from snippets they found on the Internet. So many hours in the library and on random Angelsites pages. That's an important point about choosing to be a witch though - there's a lot of research involved. And good, well-researched information was so hard to find in the late 90s/early 2000s. It's much better now. Some may lament that everyone and their cat is a witch now, but I lament that I can't buy every occult book I find (and I want to read them all). I wonder, sometimes, if that's one of the reasons why I'm so drawn to the esoteric. It's a field I never tire of exploring - and, lately, my appetite is insatiable. I've had to put a moratorium on buying occult/witchcraft books until I finish a few I already have in my own personal library. I'm trying to be more structured in my studies, so I might actually accomplish this goal before the New Year. I love it, though - I love copying correspondence tables and trying to replicate botanical drawings in my notes. I love the endless intricacies of learning astrology. I even love waking up early to practice yoga and meditation (despite my night owl instinct protesting loudly).

I also enjoy the different winding roads learning about the occult takes me down. For example, reading a treatise comparative mythology (i.e., "The Hero with a Thousand Faces" by Joseph Cambell) alongside the myths and legends themselves. I'm reading Neil Gaiman's "Norse Mythology" to my son for bedtime stories and the thing I enjoy the most is pronouncing (or attempting to pronounce) the Old Norse words, which underscores the bits of Icelandic I'm picking up from an app I use to study the language on my phone. Then there's the Epic of Gilgamesh, which I picked out from my dad's library the last time I visited my parents - a central reference point in "The Red Goddess," an occult book I bought for my birthday that outlines the history and evolution of the Sacred Courtesan. That's always the best part for me - seeing the threads connect and then lead off in an entirely new direction. I have this increasing feeling that - if I can just read enough, study enough, learn enough - I'll understand everything. I'll see how it all works out. The weight I feel just drives me on, to the next book, to the next spiritual practice, the next thread. I know that sounds crazy. During these last few months, I've had to settle into the acceptance that I won't understand until I understand. And that will probably be when I die, which (hopefully) is a long time from now. Until then, it's okay to enjoy getting lost in the research - just don't take anything too seriously.

Seven reads about the gods,

chuckles to herself;

to the rest, she never lets on.

Try to catch a glimpse of them

bickering like mortal men-

feathers on the sidewalk.

If you heard a raven say such horrible words

as the ones you may have heard in your day to day,

would it make you choose your own more carefully

around the ones you love?

That brings me to the final part of my rant. Never take anything too seriously on the Search. I think that's where a lot of people get tripped up. They take everything so serious, they forget to enjoy things and get self-conscious. They get caught up in their own self-image or they take someone else's word as gospel without thinking for themselves. I've read so much nonsense in the past decade, it's like you're mining every time you find a new resource - got to dig through so much bullshit to find a few scraps of brilliance. The most important skill to develop is discernment, which is highly dependent on your ability to trust your intuition. It's that pull when someone tries to tell you how things are and it just feels wrong. Or when something - a phrase, a song, a desire, a vision - feels right in your heart, even though it doesn't make sense in the current context of your life. When it keeps coming to the forefront of your mind in your quiet moments. That's the important thing - intuition is quiet. Maybe that's why it's so easy to discount. It doesn't make a lot of noise. It's the voice in the back of your head telling you that something doesn't fit. Or where your mind goes when you're alone. Sometimes, these thoughts are just your ego trying to protect you. But, sometimes, it's your intuition trying to get your attention. The only way to figure it out is to sit with it. Meditate a minute. Ask yourself questions. Maybe write it down. Follow where it leads. And I guess that's the summation of this long-winded discussion of research and witchcraft and intuition. Follow where it leads.

"Ravens in the Library" Video

October Theme: "Something Wicked This Way Comes"

At the beginning of Act IV of the Scottish Play, three witches hover over a cauldron, brewing a potion that symbolizes their influence on the titular character. The Weird Sisters - a nod to the three Fates, Greek goddesses who managed the destiny of all, with only one eye between them - predict his ascent to the Scottish throne and then later, foretell of his downfall. In both situations, he overhears them and tragedy follows. That's the funny thing about predictions and prophesies - the more you know about them, the more likely they are to come true, often in disastrous ways. The Weird Sisters are an ominous force in the play, in spite of only appearing in a few scenes, because of the perceived power of the women. A few words - which Shakespeare uses trochaic tetrameter, a verse form he only uses for supernatural creatures, such as witches and fairies (mere mortals will use iambic pentameter) - result in so much death and destruction but, had they remain unheard, would have been just meaningless chanting by three crazy old ladies.

The theme for October is Witchcraft, in all its vagaries and forms (but music in particular). I'll be sharing some of my favorite songs performed by artists who identify as witches and/or pagans, as well as discussing/processing a little of what I've learned in the past decade in my search for meaning, which inexplicably always brings me back to the occult and esoteric. The field of pagan music is surprising diverse - it's not all heavy metal and folk music - and I hope to showcase that adequately. This particular genre of music tends to remain hidden until you go looking for it. I think that's appropriate, given that the content is often about the unspoken parts of reality that we pretend don't exist for society's sake. But that's the point of October and Halloween - we go looking to uncover things we've tried to forget about. Abandoned projects. Hidden desires. Losses we haven't yet grieved. Ancestors who've long since past. We begin October in Libra, which brings to light all the things we desire and all the ways we've become unbalanced. It starts with a drive for neatness and order, an almost obsessive need for everything to turn out "pretty," but eventually gives way to the chaotic energy of Scorpio season. And Scorpio is about all about the Transformation. It knows best that, in order to put things the way need to be to move forward, you might need to destroy the things that don't belong. Which may be things you didn't expect. One important thing to remember though - a little "Witch" wisdom, if you will - Chaos is not synonymous with random. Just because you can't see the pattern doesn't mean it isn't there. As someone who has struggled with control issues - everything has to happen right when I say it will, exactly how I say it should - it may come as a surprise that I find this truism exceedingly comforting. That's another thing about being, to quote Constantine, a "petty dabbler in the Dark Arts" - you have to learn to trust things you can't see and may only just barely understand. Leap and the net shall appear. I've been doing a lot of that lately. It's probably good for me. Happy October!

"Extraordinary" by Liz Phair

I went through a very heavy Liz Phair phase when I was in my teens. I think every girl who loves music does at some point, because Liz Phair is absolutely brilliant. "Extraordinary" came off her self-titled album, which came out in 2003. Perfect song for an awkward semi-goth/nerdy girl who felt like she wasn't very pretty and that the boys didn't notice her. Turns out that wasn't true, I'm just not approachable....and I kind of like it that way. Weeds out the weak ones, you know? I'm also a bit oblivious when I'm being hit on. Just remembered that this past weekend along with other things I'd forgotten about myself - I'm not good at small talk and prefer to just jump into the deep stuff; I enjoy being the lone digger and when I stop being self-conscious, I'm a fairly good dancer; I want every single day to be an adventure, even if it just means getting lost in a strange city sipping a latte; and I really, really love my older sister.

You think that I go home at night

Take off my clothes, turn out the lights

But I burn letters that I write

To you, to make you love me

But I drive naked through the park

And run the stop sign in the dark

Stand in the street, yell out my heart

To make, to make you love me

I am extraordinary

If you'd ever get to know me

"Extraordinary" is about rejection and how we shouldn't take it that seriously because - the majority of the time - it's not really about us. Someone I know recently went through a break up and, afterwards, she felt so low. Literally, the kindest, smartest, most beautiful woman I know in my life and someone had the fucking nerve to break up with her. Well, past the initial painful level, I think she realized it wasn't working for her either. He wanted her to morph into a completely different person to satisfy his needs but, in the end, one of two things happens - either she doesn't and he becomes resentful of her or she does and then loses herself in the process (and possibly sacrifices all the things that made her attractive to him in the first place). That's not a happy ending for either of them. I know rejection sucks but if you find yourself changing who you are and sacrificing your needs to please someone ("trying to fit a square peg in a round hole"), that relationship is basically doomed. Even though he sounds like an asshole, I kind of think he did them both a favor. And I know she'll be alright because she's amazing and, to quote her, she "could have any guy she wanted" (as egotistical as that sounds, it's absolutely true - if you knew her, you'd agree).

So I still take the trash out

Does that make me too normal for you?

Another thing I'd like to mention is that it's not a matter of trying harder, sometimes. The aforementioned friend was trying her hardest to meet his needs while maintaining her own identity and independence. And she loves so hard. But it doesn't matter how much you love someone if they can not or choose not to feel it. Some people truly are emotionally unavailable and get scared when they actually feel love because, due to all the previous trauma and rejection in their lives, it feels foreign. It feels overwhelming, like it's too much. It's important to remember that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you if you've been rejected. There's nothing wrong with the other person either. For whatever reason, at that point in time, it just didn't fit. You're not ugly or stupid or bad at sex - something just didn't fit and eventually, someone was going to become self-aware enough to admit it. That's okay. Something else will fit one day and it will be even better than you had imagined.

See me jump through hoops for you

You stand there watching me performing

What exactly do you do?

Have you ever thought it's you that's boring?

Who the hell are you?

Rejection hurts, though. It's one of our core wounds for a reason, so how do we get over it? First, remember that first and foremost, it means you tried. You took that leap of faith and - even though you got burned - at least you took it. You saw something you wanted and you went after it. That makes you brave - a lot braver than most people. Second, remember that you are fucking awesome, because I'm absolutely certain you are. Once you remember you're awesome, go out and continue being awesome. Cry if you need to, but then....Go dancing with your friends, immerse yourself in your obscure hobbies, buy yourself a Diane von Furstenburg dress (on consignment, of course - don't go too crazy!), read all those books you were planning to read anyway, and enjoy your life. You deserve to be happy - one person is not going to change that. You are still just as lovable and amazing as you always were. And you don't need to go chasing after someone who doesn't think you're good enough. Because you are.

Pulled out some of my favorite lyrics from this song - the first verse and the bridge. I love the first verse because it calls out those witchy rituals all girls do, especially when they have a crush. I guarantee you, most of the witches I know discovered witchcraft because they were trying to get a (generally unspectacular) boy to notice them. The bridge is awesome because that's exactly where you want to be in the grieving process after a break up. When you finally remove whoever it is from the pedestal you built up for them in your mind. When you realize you deserve something that works for everyone involved, including you.

"Extraordinary" Video

"A Little Wicked" by Valerie Broussard

Happy New Moon, y'all! I've been exhausted the last two days and went to bed early....so I'm making up for it today with a SUPER RANT!!! Otherwise known as me ranting about two completely separate topics because, even though I was down for the count, my mind was in overdrive, like always. First, let's talk astrology, because some crazy shit is happening this month. Seriously - if you look at Llewellyn's astrology calendar, March is jam-packed full of events, only a few of which I'll be breaking down today. Because, much like Constantine, I consider myself a "petty dabbler in the Dark Arts." Just a quick disclaimer - I am NOT an astrologer, just an amateur enthusiast that's been doing a lot of research lately because it struck my fancy. I'm relating my best understanding of astrological events and impacts but some (or all) of it might be total bullshit. Please be kind if you have corrections.

As you may be aware, we are currently in Mercury Retrograde, which officially started yesterday but the pre-shadow period (if you believe in that) started February 19th. I, for one, have burned myself several times within the last week, as well as sent out numerous mass emails that had at least one glaring typo. If you know anything about me, you know that typos just don't "happen" to me, especially on mass emails. I proofread my own shit multiple times and for these particular emails, I also had my team proofread them for me - and they still missed obvious mistakes! You may have also noticed that the Universe is pulling receipts on quite a few people. This might have less to do with the Retrograde, and more to do with the bigger astro-event that happened yesterday. In case you haven't heard, Uranus moved into Taurus and we're about to head into some crazy times. If you thought the last few years were crazy, we ain't seen nothing yet. And I, for one, am so ready for it.

So, check it - Taurus is the sign most about stability and solidness. Stubborn-ness and the fear/inability to change are hallmarks of this sign. However, Uranus, the Great Awakener and bringer of change, is going to shake things up a bit. If you've been content with the status quo for the last few years, you're about to get real uncomfortable with it. Uranus is going to reveal the cracks in the foundation of a lot of things, and things that aren't built on a stable ground are going to crumble. Businesses, relationships, houses, institutions, ideas - whatever isn't strong is about change drastically. Uranus briefly entered Taurus beginning in May 2018 but went retrograde back into Aries at the end of August 2018. During that May-August timeframe, you probably got a taste of what Uranus in Taurus has in store for you. Perhaps you changed careers, met someone new, became interested in a new hobby, or launched a business - looking back at May 2018 may help you prepare for the changes that are ahead. Another thing that Taurus is going to bring about is a renewed preference for authenticity, honesty, and freedom. Being fake, lying, and staying in situations that make us feel trapped aren't going to work out so well for people from now until 2026 (from what I gather, that 8 years is when we're in the post-shadow of Uranus in Aries - Aries is about speed and power, so a lot of changes may happen really quick).

To better understand what Uranus in Taurus will bring for you, it's important to know what house Taurus falls in your chart and what house Uranus transits. For example, if Taurus rules the 7th House (House of Partnerships) in your chart, you may have a divorce (or a marriage) and faulty (or lucky) business dealings in your future. Possibly the same situation if you have Uranus transits your 7th House (which it does for me). In my chart, Taurus rules the 12th House (House of the Subconscious), which has to do with secrets, intuition, and the subconscious mind. It could be contributing to my renewed interest in the occult and arcane, which was kind of dormant for the past couple of years. It's always been there but I've been feeling more drawn to find like-minded folks in the past year. Moving on, the retrograde in Aries has been a time of preparation for the upcoming changes. The Cardinal signs (Aries, Cancer, Libra, Capricorn) have been planning and plotting out their chess pieces, as is their nature. The Mutable signs (Gemini, Virgo, Sagittarius, Pisces) have been just rolling with it, as they do with everything. But those poor, poor Fixed signs (Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, Aquarius) are in for a rude awakening. These signs do not like change and unfortunately, Uranus is going to cause the most chaos for these signs. And the Universe likes to fuck with anything that resists it. This Mercury Retrograde in Pisces gives us a brief reprieve to reflect, review, and regroup. Pisces rules over dreams and the imagination and, if Uranus in Taurus is going to be changing everything anyway, it's important to get really clear with the Universe about what you want. Because it might be coming. No Dream is to big, or Impossible. You want to write a book (like I do), start writing that book. You want to break into your dream career, start making those moves. When change rolls in, it's important to know that the Universe has your Highest Good in mind. It's a time to have Faith. So just breathe into the chaos, my friends. It's gonna be okay.

No one calls you honey when you're sitting on a throne

No one calls you honey when you're sitting on a throne

Beware the patient woman, 'cause this much I know

No one calls you honey when you're sitting on a throne

One of these days a comin', I'm gonna to take that boy's crown

There's a serpent in these still waters, lying deep down

To that King I will bow, at least for now

One of these days a comin', I'm gonna to take that boy's crown

'Cause I am, I am

A Little Wicked

I am, yes, I am

Hands red, hands red

Just like you said

I am, A Little Wicked

That astrology rant was longer than I thought it was going to be. Astrology is like a good conspiracy theory - the more you read/research it, the more sense it makes. You can't un-see the things you've seen, man! Okay, seriously, I'm done and I'm slowly climbing my way out of the crazy pool now. Today's song was the ending song for Episode 10 of "The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (CAOS)." It starts when Sabrina is breaking up with Harvey because she's made a decision (that she made to save him) that shows her that she needs to put him at a distance for his own good. After she chooses to commit herself to The Church of Night, she fully embraces her witch life and it's not safe to take her human friends down that dark path. I couldn't sleep on Saturday night, so I finally finished the whole series. OMG it's sooooo good! The cinematography, the story, the music, the acting - sure, Netflix fucked up "Hemlock Grove," but they made up for it with "Sabrina."

One of the common complaints about CAOS was that it was heavy-handed with the feminist overtones. Um, yeah...that was for a reason, dumbasses....Do y'all not get satire? The great thing about CAOS is that the main character is a female and the main villain is....also female. And all the female characters in between are diverse and unique characters, with their own motivations and goals. We in the theatre world call that good writing. Honestly, the satire was a lot heavier in terms of the religious aspects. The Church of Night is essentially a caricature of the Catholic Church, complete with outdated (and sometimes barbaric) rituals and corrupt leadership. When you understand all the nuances, CAOS becomes a simple coming of age story. Girl with the proverbial heart of gold, torn between two conflicting ideals, must find a way to make both of them work for her. Sometimes, she fucks up spectacularly and people get hurt. However, the thing I love about Sabrina is that she always makes choices from her heart. Being born on October 31st, that makes her a Scorpio, which means her main motivator is her feelings - unfortunately, it's also a fixed sign which means she often keeps trying to do the same thing expecting different results. This comes to a head in the final episode when, yet again, she tries to help Harvey using magic, which he has repeatedly told her that he doesn't want to be involved with. Their last interaction of the episode was literally him telling her, "Thank you, but don't ever fucking try to help me with magic again."

I've decided this song is my 2019 energy. (Just a warning - I'm probably going to say that multiple times this month). Not only is the sound kind of eerie (I think that's because it's in a minor key), but it's also about a woman who knows what she wants and is willing to wait as long as necessary for it to happen. The bitch singing this for sure is going to be queen someday - and woe betide anyone who gets in her way. It's funny - I was talking to my team about vengeance last week. My coworker said she could definitely see me taking revenge out on someone and my response was, "I'm a Cancer....my idea of revenge is watching and waiting until the person destroys themselves." Yeah, Cancers are up there on the list of signs who are good at holding a grudge. And, as far as Initiators go, we're probably the most patient with these things. But that also makes us the most persistent, so persistent, that eventually, we always get what we want. (More on this later, when we talk about a recent Ariana Grande song). Coincidentally, my favorite lyric in the song is this - Beware the patient woman, 'cause this much I know, No one calls you honey when you're sitting on a throne.

"A Little Wicked" Video

"Without Me" by Halsey

In my last post, I said the Universe speaks to me through music, sometimes. This is actually a very modern magical method used by "Millennial witches" (*cough*like myself*cough*) for divination. Everybody's methods are personalized but the gist is that you ask the Universe a question, then shuffle your playlist, and the song you hear has the response. Sometimes, I'll do this and just turn on the radio or turn on Spotify. Some people pick a number between 1-10 and then skip that many songs to get to the answer. In my opinion, this isn't necessary - mostly because you'll know the answer when you hear it - but to each their own. Certain songs can be signs, too - for example, I read somewhere in the pagan blogosphere that if a song reminds you of someone, they're thinking of you. I don't know how true that is but it's a nice thought. Additionally, if you're hearing a certain song a lot - particularly one that resonates with you - this could be the Universe trying to tell you something. That's where today's song comes in.

I heard "Without Me" during my last trip to Comic Con, but it wasn't the whole song. It was just a snippet - it was an advertisement for Halsey's new single that was recently released. The commercial seemed to keep coming on, but I was weirdly looking forward to it every time. Because I was drawn to the song. By the end of the weekend, I was like, "OMFG, I have to hear this whole fucking song for some reason." Long story short - I hunted it down and listened to it and it's basically one of my favorite songs right now. It's been steadily climbing the charts (currently number 3 as of yesterday) so it's been gaining more airplay on the radio. That's not too unusual. The unusual part is that it always seems to be on the radio first thing while I'm driving....so I'll listen to it (of course). Then, when that station hits a song that I don't want to listen to, I'll change to a different station (I'm a notorious station-hopper) and - surprise! - "Without Me" is playing again. It's gotten to the point where I'm hearing the song 4-6 times a day and I don't spend that much time driving. Strangely enough, I'm not bored with it yet, but damn! I hear you.

Tell me how's it feel sittin' up there

Feeling so high but too far away to hold me

You know I'm the one who put you up there

Name in the sky

Does it ever get lonely?

Thinking you could live without me

Thinking you could live without me

Baby, I'm the one who put you up there

I don't know why (yeah, I don't know why)

Thinking you could live without me

Live without me

Baby, I'm the one who put you up there

I don't know why (I don't know why, yeah yeah)

Anyway, that was your daily dose of woo-woo bullshit. "Without Me" does have an actual meaning, by the way, and the message is pretty relevant to a lot of people (including myself). It's been postulated that the song is about Halsey's turbulent relationship with G-Eazy, but in interviews, she said that it could be about a lot of relationships (romantic or otherwise). The song is supposed to serve as a reminder not to let people take advantage of you. Particularly for me, I have a tendency to give more than I get. People (myself included) tend to do this when we're afraid someone won't stay around if we don't. What's more, people with this issue also tend to sublimate their own needs, out of not believing they deserve more. I know this! I went to school to understand this shit and everything! And, still, I fall into these same patterns. It stems from childhood abandonment issues - I'm working on it.

There's also a level of pettiness to the song, though. I mean - whoever she's singing to, they probably could live without her. The question is - do they want to? And if they want to, she's better off without them in her life. Additionally, if someone "can't" live without you, they have codependency issues and you really don't want that. In fact, you should probably walk away if they really believe they can't live without you, because that's a dangerous thought for them and for you. That's the kind of thought process that leads to murder-suicides. There is a line from the movie "Rumor Has It" that I really love. Jennifer Aniston's character, Sarah, goes to apologize to her fiance after she royally fucks up. In her apology, she says, "I didn't come here to tell you that I can't live without you. I can live without you. I just don't want to." That's the sweet spot. That's where you want to be.

The video is what you'd expect. Halsey replays an abusive relationship (both good and bad parts) and, by the end, she is able to get away (police intervention is involved). Happy Saturday!

"Without Me" Video

"Oh Lord" by In This Moment

The video for this song is more creepy than the music is, but it fits in with our "demons" theme. I've been pretty exhausted this week, hence not much writing. Between work, housewifing, and mom duties, I'm pretty wiped and I haven't been able to quiet my mind very effectively. Sometimes it's racing thoughts, but mostly, it's this niggling something at the back of my brain that I can't seem to stop thinking about. Demons come in many forms - I know this well. Let's explore.

Today, we think of demons as malevolent spirits, usually originating from Hell or whatever Underworld you believe in, that possess people to do bad(ish) things. But the original Greek daimon/daemon wasn't negative at all. It was a just a spirit or divine power that existed alongside humans. Much like a genius, daimons sometimes attached themselves to specific humans and motivated them to take certain actions. For geniuses, that was often to create; for daimons, it seems to be that they caused people to do things that they were otherwise too afraid to do (geniuses and daimons references often overlap, since the Romans borrowed most of their shit from the Greeks). Kind of like alcohol, but in spirit form. (That was a joke, if you didn't catch it.) Demons are able to be conjured and controlled for the conjurer's purposes. Want to be rich? Call a demon. Want to be beautiful? Demons can totally help with that. Need to be free of your wife/husband? Get Azazel on speed dial. Demons are super useful - everyone should keep a few in their cupboard.

This understanding of demons changed when Christianity became the dominant religion. While pagans understood that these spirits were largely neutral and unconcerned with the affairs of humans, Christians saw the raw natural power as something evil and, thus, could not be of God. In Christianity, demons are corrupt spirits that exist to do Satan's dirty work. Most commonly, demons are thought of as fallen angels, but they could also be the ghosts of evil people or Nephilim, the offspring of angels and humans who wish to have a body again. I find the idea of Nephilim most intriguing. Anne Rice's novel, "Memnoch the Devil" (which profoundly affected my religious beliefs), combined the mythology of the Nephilim with the concept that Satan is still the most honored servant of God, his mission is just seen as evil by us mere mortals. That concept is also the centerpiece of Yazidi beliefs, which is why some Muslims refer to them as "devil-worshippers." But even in the Bible, there's hints that this is, in fact, the case. In the story of Job, God literally makes a bet with Satan that he can't tempt Job to lose his faith in God and gives him permission to make Job's life miserable. Needless to say, God is kind of an asshole.

Oh Lord won't you teach me

Teach me how to see

Oh Lord tell me you love me

Am I Lilith or am I Eve?

Oh God have mercy on me

Oh God have mercy on me

Hold me down under holy water

I fear I been laying with the devil

I been laying with the devil (save my soul)

"Oh Lord" is about Maria Brink's struggle with the evolution of her religious beliefs. Just because of how things were when she was growing up around pagan beliefs - the Great Satanic Panic of the 80s and 90s - she felt very conflicted with her interests in the occult. As a result, she had a lot of guilt and fear for a long time. If you look at her current body of work and the influences that she's incorporated into her music, though, it seems she's gotten over those emotions. Time and wisdom does that for you. It's very common for pagans from Christian backgrounds to feel guilty about being interested in witchcraft and ghosts and such. I struggled with it a lot back when I was trying to be a good Catholic, which I gave up trying to be around the time I turned 18. When I hear people with similar backgrounds on pagan/witch podcasts talk about it, they describe their spiritual evolution as a calling. Like they knew what they believed, they were just afraid of embracing it because of the pressures of their families and society. I kind of feel like that, too, just looking back at my life. You can't force something that doesn't feel natural.

As I said, the video is kind of creepy. Maria Brink is somewhere in Appalachia, in a dilapidated cabin, being beautifully weird. The video is rife with religious symbolism, from the rosary she holds in her hand to the ritual on the hillside. And, honestly, the ritual with the five women and the glowing orbs seems to be the least disturbing part of the video. It could be just projection, but I think Brink intended it to be that way.

"Oh Lord" Video

"Control" by Halsey

When I first heard this song, I thought it was about wishing to be perceived as powerful, no matter how fragile you may seem. It's a sentiment I very much identify with. There's one thing people should understand about me - I've been 5-feet-tall or shorter my whole life...I don't believe in fighting fair. Not anymore. I think everyone who feels underestimated would agree. I know I'm at a disadvantage so I have no incentive to hold back. I wish I had learned this lesson a long time ago. Maybe things would've been different but, for a long time, I didn't think I was worth fighting for. Still trying to learn it, honestly. Anyway, this song has a spooky beat and the lyrics are about containing a monster...of sorts.

If I had a superpower, I would definitely want telekinesis. For the worst reasons...I'd basically become a super villain, I'll admit it. The first reason is so I could cheat at roulette, craps, the wheel of fortune - basically any casino game where you can manipulate something physical. That's how I'd amass my fortune. Second, I'd use my powers to scare and intimidate people who pissed me off. Because a woman who can lift a table with her mind is nothing to be trifled with. There's a reason why Jean Grey is arguably the most powerful mutant in X-men and is so dangerous when she decides to go evil. If you do a pop culture analysis of characters with telekinetic and telepathic powers, though, it's always a small person (usually female) of some sort. Carrie. Charlie from "Firestarter." Raven. Willow Rosenburg. Eleven from "Stranger Things." Matilda. That has to be a TV trope of some kind - like writers don't want the character to be too overpowering, so they make them weak/disabled, physically tiny, or young. Or maybe it just makes sense that they would develop an ability that (over)compensates for their lack of physical power.

I'm well acquainted with villains that live in my head

They beg me to write them so they'll never die when I'm dead

And I've grown familiar with villains that live in my head

They beg me to write them so I'll never die when I'm dead

I'm bigger than my body

I'm colder than this home

I'm meaner than my demons

I'm bigger than these bones

This song is about Halsey's battle with bipolar disorder. About her feeling of being out of control, not being able to control her emotions. I can understand that, looking back at my eating disorder issues. It wasn't about being beautiful and thin - it never is. It was about being in control, especially when there was chaos all around me. And wanting to look like a skeleton was more about wanting to unveil the monster underneath, so others could see. I wasn't in control, though - I thought about it all the time. Doing the calculations in my head. How many calories could I eat for today? How many miles can I run before I feel like collapsing? Looking back on the worst of those days, most of them were powered by rage, the only thing that would keep me going when I could barely generate the energy to walk, when I wanted to fade away into nothingness. I couldn't take it out on everyone else, so I directed it inward. I like to think I'm better, sometimes, but the monster is still there, lurking. When I'm angry, I still feel bigger than my bones, I just focus on something else now.

For Samhain, I'm working my way through this book called "Dark Goddess Craft." While all the fluffy bunnies out there are working with Aphrodite, I'll be getting close to the Morrigan, Kali, and Persephone. A personal favorite of mine is Eris, Goddess of Chaos. She incited the Trojan War just because someone didn't invite her to a wedding. She's spiteful and dangerous, but unexpectedly helpful to mankind when she wants to be. According to the book, "honoring Eris is a lesson in embracing chaos." Some things are out of our control but that doesn't mean we're beaten. It just means we have to get creative.

"Control" Video

"Seven Devils" by Florence + the Machine

My sister went to go see Florence in concert over the weekend, so she was on my mind. This song is one of her more disturbing songs. I think it has a lot to do with the discordant piano and the screechy violins in the background - the sound is jarring. I think it's positively witchy. We'll look deeper into the lyrics, because those are quite dark as well. In the 33 1/3 book I want to write for "Ceremonials," the setting for this song is New Orleans and I spend a week or so exploring the occult history of the city. I'd attend a Voudun ritual, participate in a Gnostic Mass with the local OTO chapter, hang out in St. Louis #1 with necromancers, then I'd probably get really drunk on Bourbon Street just for the hell of it. When am I going to do this? I don't know - I'm still trying to figure out the logistics between working full time and being a mom. But one day, I will.

The number seven is incredibly significant in numerology. It represents the search for Truth and Divine Perfection. Seven is particularly important in the Bible, especially in the Book of Revelation. There are seven churches, seven trumpets, seven seals, etc. If I remember catechism correctly, there were also seven sacraments that every good Catholic participated in - Baptism, Communion, Confirmation, Reconciliation, Marriage, Holy Orders, and the Anointing of the Sick (includes the Last Rites). And Jesus cast seven demons out of Mary Magdalene. I may be an apostate but I still remember most of what I learned in Sunday School. For some reason, seven is a spiritual number. There are 7 Deadly Sins, 7 primary chakras, 7 Wonders of the Ancient World, 7 dwarfs, 7 colors in the rainbow, 7 days of the week....it's weird. I don't know why humans are obsessed with the number 7, we just are.

Holy water cannot help you now

See I've had to burn your kingdom down

And no rivers and no lakes can put the fire out

I'm gonna raise the stakes, I'm gonna smoke you out

I looked up potential meanings for "Seven Devils," and only one of them made sense. Someone on the internet reckons that it's about a relationship that is going to end badly. Because he betrayed her (by lying or cheating or some combination thereof) and now Florence is going to destroy him. Because instead of just letting it end and casting her devils out, she wants to use them and leave him in as much pain as she feels. Florence says that she was dead when she woke up and she'll be dead when the day is over, but at least she's taking him down with her. Is it worth it in the end? Maybe not, but I suppose it makes you feel better in the moment.

This reminds me of countless Lifetime movies where a woman goes insane and burns down a guy's house after they break up. I almost think those movies are more scary than horror films....because that shit actually happens in real life. There's even a whole docu-series on it - "Deadly Women," hosted by former FBI Profiler, Candace DeLong (who I dreamed of being one day, when I was studying forensic psychology). For example, Katharine Knight stabbed her boyfriend and cooked him in a stew. And Kimberly Hricko set her husband on fire to hide a romantic affair. Or perhaps you remember the Jodi Arias trial a few years ago - she was an Arizona woman who killed her ex-boyfriend after he dumped her and started dating someone else. She stabbed him 29 times, then slit his throat and shot him in the head for good measure. It was a pretty big deal in Arizona, or at least it felt like it - my parents were big on watching Nancy Grace (ugh) at the time, so my memory may be a little distorted. I forgot where I was going with this but the point is.....women are fucking crazy. Scary crazy....you think you know but - trust me - you have no idea. That's probably why I preferred to hang out with guys and lesbians in my youth. Just walk away, ladies...The karma isn't worth it. Neither is prison.

"Seven Devils" Video

"Raise the Dead" by Phantom Planet

So, let's talk a little bit about witchcraft basics. I know this is going to sound crazy but I've been researching this stuff since I was like 12-years-old and practicing (in earnest) off-and-on for the last 10 years. I wouldn't call myself an expert, but I'd like to think I've learned something by now. In a typical witchcraft ritual, you'll first cast a circle - there's various ways to do this but essentially you're doing it to create a protective barrier to perform your magic. You'll draw the circle, moving in a clockwise ("deosil") direction and then  invite elemental spirits into the circle (sometimes referred to as Calling the Quarters). It helps to have items that represent each element (a candle for Fire, salt or a crystal for Earth, etc) but it's not necessary. After that, you can either invoke or evoke the gods - either a particular deity/entity you work with or one that specializes in the type of magic you're doing, e.g., calling Aphrodite/Venus for a love spell. Invocation is usually when you're asking a god/entity for the power to do something yourself and evocation is generally when you're summoning a god/entity to do something for you, as far as I understand it. There's some nuances but you can google those. Finally, it's time to raise some energy.

There's many ways to raise energy - singing, dancing, chanting, having sex, rhythmic breathing (also known as pranayama in Hindu practice), meditation/visualization, animal sacrifice - whatever meets your intent for your magical working and is in line with your practice/principles. Personally, I prefer dancing with wild abandon, because it raises a lot of energy and I can do it relatively quietly. Essentially, I'll select some songs and....dance. Not a lot of technique to it. Three songs usually does the trick. Afterwards, the air feels kind of thick and, if you have pets, they'll usually be attracted to the space. I find that, if I've done it right, I'll have five yowling cats outside the door. Don't ask me why I have five cats....it was absolutely NOT my choice. Moving on...once you feel this heaviness (you might even feel like you're in a trance-like state and/or your body is vibrating), you can do your spellwork, whatever that might be. You finish up by closing the circle, which is usually the reverse of the process I described in the beginning. And that's the gist of an occult ritual.

This song is one of my favorites to dance to when I'm raising energy. It starts slow and then after the first verse, all bets are off. By the bridge, it hits a crescendo and then it tapers off towards the end. It has a good flow, I guess is what I'm trying to say. The lyrics are about a guy trying to get his friend out of a depressive episode. His friend is in this dark place (maybe even suicidal) and it seems like he can't climb out, so the singer is trying to coax him to come out and have fun with him. They'll "raise the dead," which presumably means they're going to have a wild time. In my interpretation, the Dead refers to the depressed friend and raising him means bringing his spirits up and getting him through the darkness. Or, it could be about a guy inviting someone to actually raise the dead via the practice of necromancy. I'm down for that, too. That sounds pretty fun.

The dark is plaguing our hearts

Pumping through us and collecting in our deepest parts

Well down there it's dripping like tar

And it's stuck to your arms

And it's sticking to you too long

The time is higher than high

Something lurking in your shadow that keeps trying to hide

Oh no, want it alive

To get out, to get out, to get out of your insides

Let's return to my hypothetical "Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter" TV series that I may or may not be actually working on. In the books, she's a necromancer who works for a private investigation office. She raises corpses and asks them questions to get to the bottom of unsettled matters, which may be incredibly difficult depending on how long the person has been dead. Anita wears a suit to work - because she's a professional, god damnit! In the first book, it describes her typical work night, which involves sacrificing chickens to raise energy, so her suit is usually covered in blood and dirt by the time she returns home. For the TV series, I imagined a montage of her work night - going from graveyard to graveyard, killing chickens, climbing into graves - a rhythmic dance that, in my head, is set to "Raise the Dead" by Phantom Planet. Sometimes, when I hear songs, I see stories - and that's what I see when I hear this song. 

Cover of Anita Blake Comic Book

Phantom Planet is a favorite of mine. True to form, I discovered them because I thought the drummer was hot. That drummer, my friends, was Wes Anderson darling Jason Schwartzman. 

C'mon....Look at that face!

He left the band in 2003 but Phantom Planet still kicks ass. And that's pretty much how I find all my favorite bands. Sorry, not sorry. Video below.

"Raise the Dead" Video

"Changes" by David Bowie

Continuing with this theme of letting go and moving on, "Changes" felt appropriate today after I pulled my daily tarot card. Yes, I've started doing a daily tarot reading for myself. I'm not sure I'm doing it right and I don't know all the meanings of all the cards, but I'm trying to incorporate it into my daily practice. A lot of witches and pagans whom I follow and admire - Gordon White, Gabriela Herstik, and Sophie Saint Thomas, just to name a few - use it in their daily practice and recommend doing it for clarity and strengthening of will, so I thought I'd give it a try. I'm also trying to get more familiar with my deck. It's the Wildwood Tarot and it's the first deck I bought for myself - I was attracted to the forest imagery and the idea of the Wild Hunt. My first deck was Aleister Crowley's Thoth tarot, which I found in our garage during my junior year of high school. That Halloween, I went to a party as a fortune teller and tried my hand at giving readings. Not as convincing when you have to refer back to the book constantly. I find all sorts of cool shit in my parents' garage - astrology books, tarot decks, Soviet officer hats, medical text books - most of which is just waiting for me to come steal it back.

Back to what I was talking about - I pulled The Journey this morning and it just confirmed what I was already feeling. That it's time to stop being scared and embrace the things that are changing in my life, even if that means letting go of things I once loved. Old patterns, behaviors, and thoughts that don't serve me anymore need to die. And I'm starting to think about how to gently extract myself from past entanglements that I got myself caught up in because I was too afraid to disappoint someone by saying, "No....I don't want this." One thing in particular that came to the surface was my current career path. Yesterday, I applied for a civilian position, which is something I've been wanting to do for years but didn't because, well, I didn't think I was good enough to be selected. For years, I've had this fear that, if I left my current job, I wouldn't be able to get anything better. That I'd have to start from the bottom again. But....I'm not a 25-year-old with only one year of real work experience anymore. I was looking at my resume when I was finished tailoring my bullets and I was like, "Damn girl, you're more qualified than your boss." And when I asked my supervisor if I could use him as a reference, he told me the same thing. He also told me that I shouldn't be held down to the idea of staying at the same organization I'm currently at, even if it's an option, because I have so much more potential than that. And he was right. I need to be willing to step out of my comfort zone, even though it's scary, because there's so much more good I can do somewhere else. That's the only way you grow, by trying something new, even if you might fail.

I'm trying to do that more - going to new classes, signing up for challenges I'm not exactly sure I can conquer, embracing aspects of myself that I was afraid to let free because others might think I'm weird. That's another part of this - not caring what people think anymore. Including my family. If I want to dance or sing in public, or wear a crop-top sweater with "Witch" emblazoned across the front (which I do own...it's my favorite sweater and I never wear it because of what people might think but you know....fuck it, it's my favorite fucking sweater), I'm going to do it. Because it's what I want. I've been doing this energy clearing guided meditation every morning - another part of my daily practice - and I find that I'm in a better mindset after I do it. Contrariwise, if I don't do it, I find my spirit is all mucked up until I do. I also got a new journal to do my shadow work and for doing manifestation journaling (something I learned about last night on the internet). I'm looking forward to it. And I'm ready for whatever comes on this path that the Universe is telling me to follow.

I watch the ripples change their size

But never leave the stream

Of warm impermanence

And so the days float through my eyes

But still the days seem the same

And these children that you spit on

As they try to change their worlds

Are immune to your consultations

They're quite aware of what they're goin' through

I know that rant had almost nothing to do with the song. But this blog was always more about exercising (intentional misspelling) my demons through music, anyway. Besides, y'all just came here for some awesome David Bowie music. I miss him - I shed a tear (or several) when he died, because he was such a big part of my childhood. My first celebrity crush, my introduction into the world of glam rock and concept albums, just an amazing and brave person in general. He was really something special.

"Changes" Video

"Rhiannon" by Fleetwood Mac

"Rhiannon" is my absolute most favorite song in the world. That will never change - there's a reason I included it on my death vinyl. I like to pretend it was written about me. I mean, I wish a lot of great songs were written about me but if I had to choose one, this would be it. I'm not sure why I haven't used it as the Song du Jour yet, but I woke up with it stuck in my head and thought, "It is time."

My dad told me he snuck into the Fleetwood Mac concert at the NMSU Pan Am Center when they came to New Mexico when he was in college (late 70s/early 80s). When Stevie introduced this song, she told the audience Rhiannon's story. She was a Welsh witch (my dad described her as having dark hair and eyes, but I think he was embellishing) who was in love with a man but, for whatever reason, he couldn't or wouldn't be with her. Heartbroken, she ran off to the moors and exploded into a murder of crows. Which is awesome! Kind of reminds me of that one weird vigor in "Bioshock Infinite." You know the one....anyway, there's a vivid story behind "Rhiannon" that always gets my imagination going. When she was writing the song, Stevie used bibliomancy, a type of divination where you open a book to a random page, put your finger down, and whatever it lands on says something about your future or situation. The book she used was some random book that was written in the 70s, "Triad" by Mary Leader, which is now on my "To Read" list....the ever-growing list that I will never complete in my lifetime, unless I become an Immortal (I still haven't given up hope yet).

After she opened with the story, the music started and Stevie would start twirling, with her flowing skirts and shawls. Misty Day (who is still dissecting frogs in Hell, by the way....not that you care) described Stevie as the first witch she ever knew. She tells Zoe that "Rhiannon" was Stevie's anthem...."can't you hear it." I think I knew that, too, to be honest. I'm pretty sure Stevie was the first witch I ever knew of. I'll be devastated when she dies because of it. There are some things - no, some people - that are so much a part of you, that if they were gone, you'd never be whole again. I think that's the whole point of the song. "Once in a million years a lady like her rises/Oh no, Rhiannon! you cry/But then she's gone/And your life knows no answer/Your life knows no answer." A million years? Humans haven't even existed for a million years and they probably won't at this rate, which means there has never been a woman like Rhiannon ever and there never will be again. She must be pretty fucking special.

Lily Rabe (as Misty Day in "AHS: Coven") and Stevie Nicks

Stevie and Mary Leader got the lore a bit wrong, though. Rhiannon actually is a Welsh goddess. She has three familiars - mystical birds, usually depicted as ravens - that signal her arrival. She is often imagined as riding on a pale horse wearing a gold dress, and is traditionally a goddess of fertility, rebirth, and transformation. There's something in that, if I woke up with this song stuck in my head. That some sort of apotheosis is on my horizon. According to some internet page I found (with all the Welsh mythology), "the story of Rhiannon teaches us that - with truth, patience, and love - we can create change no matter how bleak life seems at the moment." Woah, man. That's deep.

As I've said before, I prefer the live version of the song from "The Dance" live album. Stevie riffs the opening lyrics and works herself into a frenzy by the end. It really is magic. Not that the studio version isn't good - it is - I just prefer the live one, because that's what I remember from long car trips with my dad.

"Rhiannon" Live Performance