Sunday, October 14, 2018

"Control" by Halsey

When I first heard this song, I thought it was about wishing to be perceived as powerful, no matter how fragile you may seem. It's a sentiment I very much identify with. There's one thing people should understand about me - I've been 5-feet-tall or shorter my whole life...I don't believe in fighting fair. Not anymore. I think everyone who feels underestimated would agree. I know I'm at a disadvantage so I have no incentive to hold back. I wish I had learned this lesson a long time ago. Maybe things would've been different but, for a long time, I didn't think I was worth fighting for. Still trying to learn it, honestly. Anyway, this song has a spooky beat and the lyrics are about containing a monster...of sorts.

If I had a superpower, I would definitely want telekinesis. For the worst reasons...I'd basically become a super villain, I'll admit it. The first reason is so I could cheat at roulette, craps, the wheel of fortune - basically any casino game where you can manipulate something physical. That's how I'd amass my fortune. Second, I'd use my powers to scare and intimidate people who pissed me off. Because a woman who can lift a table with her mind is nothing to be trifled with. There's a reason why Jean Grey is arguably the most powerful mutant in X-men and is so dangerous when she decides to go evil. If you do a pop culture analysis of characters with telekinetic and telepathic powers, though, it's always a small person (usually female) of some sort. Carrie. Charlie from "Firestarter." Raven. Willow Rosenburg. Eleven from "Stranger Things." Matilda. That has to be a TV trope of some kind - like writers don't want the character to be too overpowering, so they make them weak/disabled, physically tiny, or young. Or maybe it just makes sense that they would develop an ability that (over)compensates for their lack of physical power.

I'm well acquainted with villains that live in my head
They beg me to write them so they'll never die when I'm dead
And I've grown familiar with villains that live in my head
They beg me to write them so I'll never die when I'm dead

I'm bigger than my body
I'm colder than this home
I'm meaner than my demons
I'm bigger than these bones

This song is about Halsey's battle with bipolar disorder. About her feeling of being out of control, not being able to control her emotions. I can understand that, looking back at my eating disorder issues. It wasn't about being beautiful and thin - it never is. It was about being in control, especially when there was chaos all around me. And wanting to look like a skeleton was more about wanting to unveil the monster underneath, so others could see. I wasn't in control, though - I thought about it all the time. Doing the calculations in my head. How many calories could I eat for today? How many miles can I run before I feel like collapsing? Looking back on the worst of those days, most of them were powered by rage, the only thing that would keep me going when I could barely generate the energy to walk, when I wanted to fade away into nothingness. I couldn't take it out on everyone else, so I directed it inward. I like to think I'm better, sometimes, but the monster is still there, lurking. When I'm angry, I still feel bigger than my bones, I just focus on something else now.

For Samhain, I'm working my way through this book called "Dark Goddess Craft." While all the fluffy bunnies out there are working with Aphrodite, I'll be getting close to the Morrigan, Kali, and Persephone. A personal favorite of mine is Eris, Goddess of Chaos. She incited the Trojan War just because someone didn't invite her to a wedding. She's spiteful and dangerous, but unexpectedly helpful to mankind when she wants to be. According to the book, "honoring Eris is a lesson in embracing chaos." Some things are out of our control but that doesn't mean we're beaten. It just means we have to get creative.

"Control" Video

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