"The Horror of Our Love" by Ludo

A friend introduced me to Ludo a while ago and I'm slowly discovering their music. I love the imagery they use - it's graphic and dramatic. Visceral in a disturbing, yet satisfying way. I found this song a few months ago on YouTube and, though I liked it, I forgot about it for a bit. But about a month ago, I woke up with it stuck in my head. I had to find it again and the entire day, I played it on repeat. I do that with songs I really like. I was obsessed. I'm still fairly obsessed with this song. It's already made it into the Top 10 Favorites. Heck, I think it might even be a member of the Unskippables now, and that's saying something. I even skip "Bohemian Rhapsody" if I'm not feeling it. Don't judge me. It's even in that special place reserved for other favorites, like "Iris" and "Everything", where if I hear the end of the song approaching, I will preemptively hit the repeat button. Because I don't want it to end.

There's this guy I follow on Twitter - Doth the Doth - who tweets random goth stuff. Things like "It's a perfect night to slip into something more comfortable, like the coffin." Or, "Maybe she's born with it or maybe she has eaten all the hearts of those who have wronged her." I think he may be a literature professor at Harvard. He puts a spin on modern trends and sayings using the tropes found in gothic and classic horror novels/poetry. As a huge geek for both of these genres, his tweets are always a welcome sight in my feed. As a writer whose style is slowly growing comfortable with these themes, it always helps to have some extra inspiration. I bring up Doth because Ludo has done something similar with the lyrics and it helps to have a reference point.

The lyrics for "The Horror of Our Love" reminds me of the following scene from "The Addams Family":

I feel like everyone and their mom is goth nowadays, claiming to want a romance like Morticia and Gomez, but the truth is....most girls scare too easy. A boy writes them a short, two-paragraph love letter in his own blood and all of a sudden he's "weird" and "creepy" and "not their type." Seriously....What did you think you were getting into when you started dating a guy who wears all black and hangs out in cemeteries? There's a similar meme about dating goth girls: "Everybody wants a goth bitch but when it's time to dick her down in a pool of goat's blood while surrounded by sacrificial pagan flames so she can summon Baphomet, you want to complain. SMH." I know this paragraph took a hard left turn but the point is some people think that level of intensity is...romantic. In a dark, dramatic way. I'm one of these people I speak of. Perhaps not the goat's blood - that sounds a little unsanitary - but the rest of it, sure. But I'm also a hopeless romantic. There is absolutely no difference in how I react to Morticia & Gomez and people in romantic comedies. I squeal for everything. Maybe I just like seeing people happy and in love. But I also believe every Gomez has a Morticia, which - after having a discussion with my coworker - is perhaps a little naive. But I don't want to be cynical yet. I'm too young.

Perhaps this is more Scorpio Moon bullshit, but I believe sexuality is sacred. The act of sex itself - regardless of who you're doing it with or how frequently - is always special and powerful. So the metaphors and imagery in this song's lyrics resonate with me on a deep level. Yes, I think it's romantic and stimulating. And Neptune falls in my 8th House, so I have a very active imagination when it comes to this stuff (and by "this stuff," apparently I mean sex and death - the 8th House is nicknamed the House of Sex, Death, and Taxes....I'm good at thinking about money, too). If you listen to the lyrics, it's pretty obvious he's describing a sexual encounter, but he hides it in gore and mystery, heightening the occult importance of sex. Given this foundational knowledge, the verses can be broken into three acts - the Hunt (i.e., the lust and desire leading up to the act, the thinking of which is essential to foreplay), the Great Rite itself, and then after-care....and possibly Round Two.

I wake in terror, blackbirds screaming

Dark cathedrals spilling midnight on their altars

I'm your servant, my immortal

Pale and perfect, such unholy heaving

The statues close their eyes, the room is changing

Break my skin and drain me

Ancient language, speak through fingers

The awful edges where you end and I begin

Inside your mouth I cannot see

There's catastrophe in everything I'm touching

As I sweat and crush you

And I hold your beating chambers until they beat no more

You die like angels sing...

That's the second verse, which is my favorite verse. I mentioned the Great Rite, so I'll go into a little back story, since not everyone has been steeped in weird occult rituals and symbolism like a fine tea. The Great Rite is a pagan ritual that involves symbolic (or actual) sexual intercourse, symbolizing the powerful connection created upon the union of masculine and feminine energy. Yeah - most of the early Wiccan leaders were dirty old men. That being said, there is something incredibly powerful about the ritual. In Feri tradition - if the information portrayed in Alex Mars' "Witches of America" is accurate - after their initiation, when they find out the true names of the Gods, they have sex (with a partner of their choice) in service of the God and Goddess. It's more than that. It's more like they invite the God and Goddess into themselves and the body of their partner to perform this sacred act. It's essentially using the sexual energy to activate the power of the ritual. To truly understand the alchemy. To go physically go through rebirth into a new person. A mystical person. Maybe I'm weird (and I know I am) but something about that perspective - when I read (or rather, listened - it was an audiobook) to the description, it sounded incredibly appealing to me. And the lyrics of this song make me think he's making love as if he's worshiping the Goddess, embodied in this delicate creature. It's as if he thinks himself unworthy, but he feels compelled. Like it's a desperate hunger. The love-making starts gentle and then, by the end, he's no longer in control.

On a more academic note, I'm going to go through the various lyrics and my interpretation describing how I reached this conclusion. I've taken both multiple Human Sexuality and English Literature courses so - trust me - I'm a professional and (generally) know what I'm talking about.

• "Hold you down and tear you open, live inside you" - He's craving some rather rough action. This is about the moment I start daydreaming. 
• "I will eat you slowly..." - I think this one is fairly self-evident. Again, more daydreaming.
• "Break my skin and drain me" - Who doesn't like the feeling of fingernails down their back? And I think we know what he wants drained, if ya know what I mean. **hint hint wink wink**
• "And I hold your beating chambers until they beat no more" - During the female orgasm, the vaginal muscles will contract rhythmically. The movement is obvious if you're paying attention (which, admittedly, most people wouldn't be). The more powerful and longer-lasting the contractions, the more powerful the orgasm. It's science. They've measured it - you can thank Masters and Johnson for doing this vital work. Essentially, he's saying he stays put until she's finished...which is appreciated.
• "You die like angels sing..." - The moans a woman makes when she comes are literally music to his ears (as they should be). The French phrase for an orgasm is le petit mort, which translates to "the little death." Sex as a transformative experience, as a living death. This is classic Scorpio placement bullshit. True Story: I learned about the french translation for orgasm from "The Bride of Chucky," which is - in fact - the best of the Child's Play series, simply because Jennifer Tilly is awesome and uncompromisingly sexy in that film. Even as a doll.

Similar to "Iris," instead of the typical lyrical bridge that connects Verse 2 to Verse 3 (and, subsequently, the end of the song), "The Horror of Our Love" uses a musical interlude. I love musical interludes, because it's just wave upon wave of notes that you lose yourself in until it hits a crescendo. And this musical interlude is a flamenco guitar solo (flamenco guitars are - in fact - the best kind of guitar). It's honestly my favorite part of the song and I'm usually not big on instrumentals.

As I've mentioned before, I tend to get a lot of my inspiration for stories from the music I listen to. This song has inspired me to write a story about a Magician and his Assistant. It's basically a Beauty and the Beast story. But with more sex and blood....because Beauty and the Beast was really missing those elements. I'm letting the story form in my head right now - the brain storming stage. When I imagine a scene in my head, I will send myself a text with as many details as I see in my vision, so I can remember. Assuming I'm not in a position to begin writing what I see (which is usually the case). So far, the system works. I've been getting a lot of inspiration lately - but I'm trying this new thing where I focus on one project until I finish it before I move on to the next thing. I know. It's been a weird change - but highly effective.

Whew. I know that was a roller coaster of a blog post but I think I've written down all my (super insightful) thoughts. Now, I'm off to take a cold shower.

"The Horror of Our Love" Video

"Whatever It Takes" by Imagine Dragons

Beats per Minute: 68
Good for: Interval Training (or any other workout where you're actively pushing yourself)

My days are long. On a typical day, I wake up at 4am to do my Morning Pages, a practice recommended by Julia Cameron in "The Artist's Way" where you basically do a brain dump first thing in the morning by filling 3 pages up with writing. Preferably by hand. Numerous writers and artists credit this practice for breaking through their blocks. If it works, it works, so I do it. Then I go to work for 8 hours. Then I come home and do some housewifing - work out/run/do yoga, cook dinner, a clean a little, hang out with the family to watch something (usually "The Grand Tour" or one of several DC shows). Finally, I put my toddler to bed and head upstairs to write for another hour or two. Sometimes it's this blog, sometimes it's just in my journal, occasionally it's another project I'm working on. If I'm lucky, I make enough progress to feel good about finishing up by 9pm. Most days, though, I'm heading to bed around 10pm. It's rough but I'm not complaining. For months, I have written something every day and that's not nothing. I'm extremely proud of that accomplishment. Even if it means I look a bit tired most days.

I read awhile ago that if you want to be a writer, you need to write. And that stung a bit at the time, because I hadn't been. I would go months without writing a god damn thing, which sucked. It felt like I had given up. It felt like I didn't have any talent, like I was all talk and no action. It felt like I was walking away from a deeply held dream. When that happens, you have to have the courage to look at yourself in the mirror and ask the hard questions. Do you want this enough to endure whatever pain and dejection you might feel in the future? Is this what you really hope to accomplish in your life? Are you prepared to do whatever it takes? Surprisingly, a lot of people decide that - no, I am decidedly not willing or prepared to do any of that stuff. And that's fine. That's a choice we all have to make and as long as you're at peace with it, you're good. I would not have been at peace. And the primary reason why I know that is because of one thing - I look forward to waking up at 4am to write those stupid morning pages. And, even after a hellish day at work, I look forward to opening up a vein and bleeding onto this blog for you fine people to read. And, most days, I'm not even worried that nothing will ever come of it. I've learned to love the work, not the dream. And that is by far one of the most valuable things I've learned during my existence. Because you've got to dig in your heels and do the work. There's no way around it. Trust me - I've tried.

Always had a fear of being typical

Looking at my body feeling miserable

Always hanging on to the visual

I wanna be invisible

Looking at my years like a martyrdom

Everybody needs to be a part of 'em

Never be enough, I'm the prodigal son

I was born to run, I was born for this

I find a lot of understated wisdom on Twitter. Maybe it's the people I follow, maybe it's just because I'm open to seeing it. Who knows? But I wanted to share a few tidbits I like to remember when I'm feeling particularly sorry for myself. One of them I've already shared - Learn to love the work. The others are a little more metaphysical in nature, so I'll explain the philosophy as best I can.

I recently ran across a tweet which posited that "current desires are just memories from the future." I'd heard this before, that we feel that things are "meant for us" because we have them in the future. This concept is essential in manifestation magic, because it removes the anxiety and the feeling of lack when you want something so bad but it's not in your current reality. Anxiety and fear are the absolutely toxic to any and all forms of magic. That's something I learned very early on in my journey as a witch. It keeps you focused on what you lack instead of having faith that, no matter what happens, you're are going to get what you need in life - it just might not look how you expect. If you feed being anxious, then you're naturally going to be more anxious. In theory, believing that what you want is already on the way helps you to let go and allows things to unfold naturally. The saying goes that the best things happen when you're least expecting them. So don't force it because you don't need to. The only thing you should be focusing on is what you need to do next. Like literally. What do you need to do in the present moment to move forward? Cook dinner? Clean your room? Ramble for five pages? Great! Go do that and put your whole mind, body, and soul into it.

The next piece of Twitter wisdom I wanted to share was something I read yesterday morning. Someone tweeted that you shouldn't be afraid of growing old, but be grateful instead, because so many people didn't have that opportunity. They didn't get the opportunity to fret about gray hairs and wrinkles. They didn't experience the frustration of raising a very energetic little boy. They didn't get to be annoyed by their coworkers over small and ultimately meaningless mistakes. And when you look at it that way, it's amazing how many things we have to be grateful for. And gratitude is essential for long term happiness. It's funny - today, someone asked how old I was and I just rounded up. I said, "I'm almost 32." The voice inside my head was screaming "I'm 31 and a half!" like a little kid. That's one of my favorite take-aways from "Stranger from a Strange Land" - this concept that, at 31, I am still "only an egg." I'm still learning, still growing, still have so much to do and see. And my grandmother just turned 95, so I'm pretty confident that I have a fairly long life ahead of me so worrying about growing old is a bit premature. It's a waste of energy. What good does it do? Time is going to march on, regardless of our protests. Might as well embrace it and enjoy the ride.

Hypocritical, egotistical

Don't wanna be the parenthetical, hypothetical

Working onto something that I'm proud of, out of the box

An epoxy to the world and the vision we've lost

I'm an apostrophe

I'm just a symbol to remind you that there's more to see

I'm just a product of the system, a catastrophe

And yet a masterpiece, and yet I'm half-diseased

And when I am deceased

At least I go down to the grave and die happily

Leave the body and my soul to be a part of thee

I do what it takes

Closing out this post, this song is about pushing through and putting in the work to accomplish your dreams, regardless of how much "suffering" you have to go through. As I said, you just have to figure out what to do next. The rest will sort itself out on the way.

So what do I need to do next?

I need to go the fuck to sleep.

"Whatever It Takes" Video