"Ravens in the Library" by SJ Tucker

I first heard this one on one of my favorite podcasts, "Down at the Crossroads," which I discovered right after I had my son. I remember fondly listening DatC while taking him on walks in his stroller. "Ravens in the Library" calls to my mind a nursery rhyme, and I like to think of it as such. That's one of things I miss most about being Catholic - the music and the hymns. My favorite part of mass was singing, especially around Christmas. Since striking out on this alternate spiritual path, that's been a big part of my search - finding something to fill that musical gap. As you may have guessed, music is an essential part of my practice. I find incredible wisdom and solace in the notes and words of my favorites songs. I believe music is an ancient magic. One that most people understand deep at their core.

Words within our grasp--do we let go?

Do we fly heavily with the weight of what we know?

This song is about knowledge and the importance of books, especially in regards to the spread of the Craft. A lot of the pagan/witchy podcasts I listen to often ask their guests how they became a witch or astrologer or tarot reader (take your pick). It's comforting how similar the stories are to mine - becoming disenchanted with the religion of their youth, finding meaning in legends and stories they read in books, and cobbling together a faith of their own from snippets they found on the Internet. So many hours in the library and on random Angelsites pages. That's an important point about choosing to be a witch though - there's a lot of research involved. And good, well-researched information was so hard to find in the late 90s/early 2000s. It's much better now. Some may lament that everyone and their cat is a witch now, but I lament that I can't buy every occult book I find (and I want to read them all). I wonder, sometimes, if that's one of the reasons why I'm so drawn to the esoteric. It's a field I never tire of exploring - and, lately, my appetite is insatiable. I've had to put a moratorium on buying occult/witchcraft books until I finish a few I already have in my own personal library. I'm trying to be more structured in my studies, so I might actually accomplish this goal before the New Year. I love it, though - I love copying correspondence tables and trying to replicate botanical drawings in my notes. I love the endless intricacies of learning astrology. I even love waking up early to practice yoga and meditation (despite my night owl instinct protesting loudly).

I also enjoy the different winding roads learning about the occult takes me down. For example, reading a treatise comparative mythology (i.e., "The Hero with a Thousand Faces" by Joseph Cambell) alongside the myths and legends themselves. I'm reading Neil Gaiman's "Norse Mythology" to my son for bedtime stories and the thing I enjoy the most is pronouncing (or attempting to pronounce) the Old Norse words, which underscores the bits of Icelandic I'm picking up from an app I use to study the language on my phone. Then there's the Epic of Gilgamesh, which I picked out from my dad's library the last time I visited my parents - a central reference point in "The Red Goddess," an occult book I bought for my birthday that outlines the history and evolution of the Sacred Courtesan. That's always the best part for me - seeing the threads connect and then lead off in an entirely new direction. I have this increasing feeling that - if I can just read enough, study enough, learn enough - I'll understand everything. I'll see how it all works out. The weight I feel just drives me on, to the next book, to the next spiritual practice, the next thread. I know that sounds crazy. During these last few months, I've had to settle into the acceptance that I won't understand until I understand. And that will probably be when I die, which (hopefully) is a long time from now. Until then, it's okay to enjoy getting lost in the research - just don't take anything too seriously.

Seven reads about the gods,

chuckles to herself;

to the rest, she never lets on.

Try to catch a glimpse of them

bickering like mortal men-

feathers on the sidewalk.

If you heard a raven say such horrible words

as the ones you may have heard in your day to day,

would it make you choose your own more carefully

around the ones you love?

That brings me to the final part of my rant. Never take anything too seriously on the Search. I think that's where a lot of people get tripped up. They take everything so serious, they forget to enjoy things and get self-conscious. They get caught up in their own self-image or they take someone else's word as gospel without thinking for themselves. I've read so much nonsense in the past decade, it's like you're mining every time you find a new resource - got to dig through so much bullshit to find a few scraps of brilliance. The most important skill to develop is discernment, which is highly dependent on your ability to trust your intuition. It's that pull when someone tries to tell you how things are and it just feels wrong. Or when something - a phrase, a song, a desire, a vision - feels right in your heart, even though it doesn't make sense in the current context of your life. When it keeps coming to the forefront of your mind in your quiet moments. That's the important thing - intuition is quiet. Maybe that's why it's so easy to discount. It doesn't make a lot of noise. It's the voice in the back of your head telling you that something doesn't fit. Or where your mind goes when you're alone. Sometimes, these thoughts are just your ego trying to protect you. But, sometimes, it's your intuition trying to get your attention. The only way to figure it out is to sit with it. Meditate a minute. Ask yourself questions. Maybe write it down. Follow where it leads. And I guess that's the summation of this long-winded discussion of research and witchcraft and intuition. Follow where it leads.

"Ravens in the Library" Video

"Oh Lord" by In This Moment

The video for this song is more creepy than the music is, but it fits in with our "demons" theme. I've been pretty exhausted this week, hence not much writing. Between work, housewifing, and mom duties, I'm pretty wiped and I haven't been able to quiet my mind very effectively. Sometimes it's racing thoughts, but mostly, it's this niggling something at the back of my brain that I can't seem to stop thinking about. Demons come in many forms - I know this well. Let's explore.

Today, we think of demons as malevolent spirits, usually originating from Hell or whatever Underworld you believe in, that possess people to do bad(ish) things. But the original Greek daimon/daemon wasn't negative at all. It was a just a spirit or divine power that existed alongside humans. Much like a genius, daimons sometimes attached themselves to specific humans and motivated them to take certain actions. For geniuses, that was often to create; for daimons, it seems to be that they caused people to do things that they were otherwise too afraid to do (geniuses and daimons references often overlap, since the Romans borrowed most of their shit from the Greeks). Kind of like alcohol, but in spirit form. (That was a joke, if you didn't catch it.) Demons are able to be conjured and controlled for the conjurer's purposes. Want to be rich? Call a demon. Want to be beautiful? Demons can totally help with that. Need to be free of your wife/husband? Get Azazel on speed dial. Demons are super useful - everyone should keep a few in their cupboard.

This understanding of demons changed when Christianity became the dominant religion. While pagans understood that these spirits were largely neutral and unconcerned with the affairs of humans, Christians saw the raw natural power as something evil and, thus, could not be of God. In Christianity, demons are corrupt spirits that exist to do Satan's dirty work. Most commonly, demons are thought of as fallen angels, but they could also be the ghosts of evil people or Nephilim, the offspring of angels and humans who wish to have a body again. I find the idea of Nephilim most intriguing. Anne Rice's novel, "Memnoch the Devil" (which profoundly affected my religious beliefs), combined the mythology of the Nephilim with the concept that Satan is still the most honored servant of God, his mission is just seen as evil by us mere mortals. That concept is also the centerpiece of Yazidi beliefs, which is why some Muslims refer to them as "devil-worshippers." But even in the Bible, there's hints that this is, in fact, the case. In the story of Job, God literally makes a bet with Satan that he can't tempt Job to lose his faith in God and gives him permission to make Job's life miserable. Needless to say, God is kind of an asshole.

Oh Lord won't you teach me

Teach me how to see

Oh Lord tell me you love me

Am I Lilith or am I Eve?

Oh God have mercy on me

Oh God have mercy on me

Hold me down under holy water

I fear I been laying with the devil

I been laying with the devil (save my soul)

"Oh Lord" is about Maria Brink's struggle with the evolution of her religious beliefs. Just because of how things were when she was growing up around pagan beliefs - the Great Satanic Panic of the 80s and 90s - she felt very conflicted with her interests in the occult. As a result, she had a lot of guilt and fear for a long time. If you look at her current body of work and the influences that she's incorporated into her music, though, it seems she's gotten over those emotions. Time and wisdom does that for you. It's very common for pagans from Christian backgrounds to feel guilty about being interested in witchcraft and ghosts and such. I struggled with it a lot back when I was trying to be a good Catholic, which I gave up trying to be around the time I turned 18. When I hear people with similar backgrounds on pagan/witch podcasts talk about it, they describe their spiritual evolution as a calling. Like they knew what they believed, they were just afraid of embracing it because of the pressures of their families and society. I kind of feel like that, too, just looking back at my life. You can't force something that doesn't feel natural.

As I said, the video is kind of creepy. Maria Brink is somewhere in Appalachia, in a dilapidated cabin, being beautifully weird. The video is rife with religious symbolism, from the rosary she holds in her hand to the ritual on the hillside. And, honestly, the ritual with the five women and the glowing orbs seems to be the least disturbing part of the video. It could be just projection, but I think Brink intended it to be that way.

"Oh Lord" Video

"How Soon is Now" by The Smiths (as covered by Love Spit Love)

::WARNING:: This post contains frank discussion about religion, philosophy, and Jesus, in particular. It's gonna get weird. ::END::

I'm a big fan of The Smiths. Yes, even now that Morrissey has proven himself to be an absolute wanker. I read an Amazon review once for "The Queen is Dead" (which is the first vinyl I ever purchased) that said "everyone goes through a Smiths phase...some of us just never leave it." That is definitely true about me. It's why Flaca is my favorite in "Orange is the New Black"...she reminds me of me. A Latina who loves the Smiths and guys in black eyeliner. Not that those are rare - my closest girlfriend is one of these types, which is one of the reasons we're friends - but it's rare to see it on a TV show.

I've started re-watching "Charmed." Partially to get ready for the reboot, partially because I was never fully invested in watching it when it was on TV. I've seen a fair few episodes but it wasn't in order and I don't really know what the story is. Somewhere during the show (I'm not at that point yet), the opening credits song became Love Spit Love's version of "How Soon is Now." Buckle up, because I'm about to get hella philosophical....I don't mean to offend, so please don't be offended.

I've always envisioned that it was Jesus singing this song. Just a disclaimer: I have doubts that Jesus existed as a real, historical person. I can buy that he's an amalgamation of multiple historical people and that the Catholic Church combined them to make their belief system easy to digest. However, let's assume for a minute that he was a real person. I've thought about this a lot and I've come to the conclusion that....he wasn't God who became Man or Man who became God, but just a man who realized he was a god all along. That's why he was so dangerous. I came to this epiphany while reading "Stranger in a Strange Land." In the book, Valentine Michael Smith (the "Martian") interprets the concept of "God" as a verb. "He is god, She is god, Thou art god." That phrase - "Thou Art God" - became my mantra for many years. Still is, some days. 

I know some people are reading this and thinking it's blasphemy, but it's the only thing that ever made sense to me. I remember the homily a visiting priest gave at Easter Mass one year. He said that Jesus came down from "Heaven" to understand what it was like to be human. If that's true, then when he was being crucified, he had a choice - he could've totally burned the world down. Or, he understood that being human is hard - extremely hard - and could forgive us for being really fucked up. Personally, I feel like he made the wrong choice some days. And if he ever came back (if you believe in that stuff, which I don't) he would probably rectify the situation. As you can guess, I wasn't a very good Catholic. That's probably not the point the priest was trying to make at all.

Anyway, to see why I think it's being sung from the perspective of Jesus, look no further than the opening lyrics:

I am the son

And the heir

Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar

I am the son and heir

Of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth

How can you say

I go about things the wrong way

I am human and I need to be loved

Just like everybody else does

It's despondent, like he is not content with his Fate (I am the son and the heir/Of nothing in particular) but then incredulous that people would question how he's going about his life (How can you say I go about things the wrong way?). Finally, he's just frustrated that people treat him like he's different, even though he has needs like everyone else (I am human and I need to be loved/Just like everybody else does). Personally, I buy into the "Jesus Christ, Superstar" version of events, which mirror what can be found in those lost Gospels people are always talking about. Mary Magdalene was his wife/girlfriend/closest confidante and he told Judas to turn him in to the authorities so he can set his plan for ascension in motion because he was fucking tired of waiting for something to happen. Another disclaimer - I haven't read those gospels in full, but I'd like to - because that version of events is more realistic than a 33-year-old virgin taking it on the chin for a bunch of ungrateful zealots because that's what he's supposed to do (which is the Catholic version of events).

In the spirit of research, I looked up the actual meaning of this song. It's about some guy with social anxiety having trouble finding a lover. It's about loneliness, essentially, and the struggle to overcome your faults in order to not be lonely anymore. Yep. Totally missed that. I'll still imagine Jesus singing it, though, because I think he'd understand that struggle. Probably more than most. Including both the Smiths version and the Love Spit Love version.  Just a heads up - The Smiths version is about 2 minutes longer.

Love Spit Love Version

The Smiths Version