"Changes" by David Bowie

Continuing with this theme of letting go and moving on, "Changes" felt appropriate today after I pulled my daily tarot card. Yes, I've started doing a daily tarot reading for myself. I'm not sure I'm doing it right and I don't know all the meanings of all the cards, but I'm trying to incorporate it into my daily practice. A lot of witches and pagans whom I follow and admire - Gordon White, Gabriela Herstik, and Sophie Saint Thomas, just to name a few - use it in their daily practice and recommend doing it for clarity and strengthening of will, so I thought I'd give it a try. I'm also trying to get more familiar with my deck. It's the Wildwood Tarot and it's the first deck I bought for myself - I was attracted to the forest imagery and the idea of the Wild Hunt. My first deck was Aleister Crowley's Thoth tarot, which I found in our garage during my junior year of high school. That Halloween, I went to a party as a fortune teller and tried my hand at giving readings. Not as convincing when you have to refer back to the book constantly. I find all sorts of cool shit in my parents' garage - astrology books, tarot decks, Soviet officer hats, medical text books - most of which is just waiting for me to come steal it back.

Back to what I was talking about - I pulled The Journey this morning and it just confirmed what I was already feeling. That it's time to stop being scared and embrace the things that are changing in my life, even if that means letting go of things I once loved. Old patterns, behaviors, and thoughts that don't serve me anymore need to die. And I'm starting to think about how to gently extract myself from past entanglements that I got myself caught up in because I was too afraid to disappoint someone by saying, "No....I don't want this." One thing in particular that came to the surface was my current career path. Yesterday, I applied for a civilian position, which is something I've been wanting to do for years but didn't because, well, I didn't think I was good enough to be selected. For years, I've had this fear that, if I left my current job, I wouldn't be able to get anything better. That I'd have to start from the bottom again. But....I'm not a 25-year-old with only one year of real work experience anymore. I was looking at my resume when I was finished tailoring my bullets and I was like, "Damn girl, you're more qualified than your boss." And when I asked my supervisor if I could use him as a reference, he told me the same thing. He also told me that I shouldn't be held down to the idea of staying at the same organization I'm currently at, even if it's an option, because I have so much more potential than that. And he was right. I need to be willing to step out of my comfort zone, even though it's scary, because there's so much more good I can do somewhere else. That's the only way you grow, by trying something new, even if you might fail.

I'm trying to do that more - going to new classes, signing up for challenges I'm not exactly sure I can conquer, embracing aspects of myself that I was afraid to let free because others might think I'm weird. That's another part of this - not caring what people think anymore. Including my family. If I want to dance or sing in public, or wear a crop-top sweater with "Witch" emblazoned across the front (which I do own...it's my favorite sweater and I never wear it because of what people might think but you know....fuck it, it's my favorite fucking sweater), I'm going to do it. Because it's what I want. I've been doing this energy clearing guided meditation every morning - another part of my daily practice - and I find that I'm in a better mindset after I do it. Contrariwise, if I don't do it, I find my spirit is all mucked up until I do. I also got a new journal to do my shadow work and for doing manifestation journaling (something I learned about last night on the internet). I'm looking forward to it. And I'm ready for whatever comes on this path that the Universe is telling me to follow.

I watch the ripples change their size

But never leave the stream

Of warm impermanence

And so the days float through my eyes

But still the days seem the same

And these children that you spit on

As they try to change their worlds

Are immune to your consultations

They're quite aware of what they're goin' through

I know that rant had almost nothing to do with the song. But this blog was always more about exercising (intentional misspelling) my demons through music, anyway. Besides, y'all just came here for some awesome David Bowie music. I miss him - I shed a tear (or several) when he died, because he was such a big part of my childhood. My first celebrity crush, my introduction into the world of glam rock and concept albums, just an amazing and brave person in general. He was really something special.

"Changes" Video