"Novocaine" by The Unlikely Candidates

I'm phoning it in today. I ain't ashamed. I basically almost fell asleep during my daily meditation right now so clearly, I probably need to go to bed. Today's song popped up during one of my son's music video playlists (yes, his taste has developed enough to have playlists on YouTube....I believe it was a "things similar to K.Flay" list). Thought it had a good rhythm. Turns out it's also a good running song, precisely because it has good rhythm.

Wonder why the party's over soon as I arrive

Must've done something in a former life

And I don't really wanna change

Change!

I am what I am, I know what I know

I'll let you down if you let me too close

I am what I am, I know what I know

You catch me running away then you'll know

This song is about someone who makes shitty life decisions, complains about their life, but doesn't do the things they need to do to make their life better because "this is just who I am." I'm in the camp that believes you get to choose who you want to be and you make that choice every moment. A lot of people have no clue who they are or who they want to be. They're on autopilot most of the time and when something difficult comes up, they revert back to the same behavior they've always done and are surprised when the outcome is the same as before. It's insanity, but if you try to point it out to people, they get really angry and suddenly you're the asshole.

Novocaine is a local anesthetic....a numbing agent. In the song, I think it's a metaphor for the things we do in order to avoid feeling our feelings. And not feeling our feelings causes all sorts of problems in unforeseen ways. Which is why I've tried to be more aware of the things I use as "numbing agents" this year. Pretty aware of those at this point - alcohol, sex, overspending (on books, in particular), YouTube videos, and scrolling through Twitter. I know - fairly tame. Sorry to disappoint but I'm not shooting heroine between my toes or anything. I've been on this kick lately about trying not to be distracted in my life - not using alcohol to be social, not using sex when what I want is intimacy and connection, and not using social media to avoid being alone with myself (or to procrastinate when I really should be working on my goals). Notice that I specify the intent behind these actions because the intention is everything. The "why" we do things is always more important than the "what" we're doing. All of the things I listed aren't particularly harmful when used in a healthy way, but they can become harmful if you're doing them to excess or for unhealthy reasons. Yes, I may be spending way too much time reading psychology articles and self-help books. I've always been one of those people who was into self-improvement - why else would I get into magic and psychology? Because I thought both these things would make my life better and fix whatever was broken with me. And they did - by helping me realize I'm not broken, I just kind of forgot who I was for a minute.

"Novocaine" Video