"The Man" by Taylor Swift

You thought you were going to get out of T-Swift this month, didn't you? Haha...nope. It's her fucking birthday and as someone who also places a lot of importance (probably too much) on her birthday, I feel like I would be doing her a disservice if I didn't play it up sorta big. She is the Billboard Artist of the Decade, after all. True Story. The ceremony was yesterday, the day before her 30th birthday. That's a big fucking deal, considering that almost exactly 10 years ago, Kanye West jumped onstage and ruined her acceptance speech for Best Female Video at the VMAs. I think that was a turning point for her, because - the thing is - he would not have even dared to do that with any of the other nominees. P!nk fucking chewed his ass out afterward. Beyonce was a real lady and gave up her acceptance speech for Video of the Year so Taylor could finish hers. The rest of the nominees were of equal caliber, all brilliant female artists in their own right. But, when they're drunk (on alcohol or power), bullies go after people they think are weak. And I think she got tired of people thinking she was this sweet little girl they could walk all over with no consequences. As a result, she went on the defensive and became really aggressive in shaping her image. She never hid the fact that it was intentional - she wanted to change her reputation. And Swift got criticized for being too mean and ruthless. The "sweet, quiet girl" turned into a "fucking bitch" real quick after she started sticking up for herself. That's pretty typical.

I would be complex

I would be cool

They'd say I played the field before

I found someone to commit to

And that would be okay

For me to do

Every conquest I had made

Would make me more of a boss to you

I'd be a fearless leader

I'd be an alpha type

When everyone believes ya

What's that like?

This is my favorite song off her new album. I've decided it's my anthem for 2020, because I find it almost unbearably true. American culture has a bias towards masculine traits, especially in professional settings. In my experience, active traits such as aggressiveness, overconfidence, and posturing seems more highly valued than more passive skills like communication, planning, and negotiation/compromise, even when those same traits can be detrimental to reaching a goal. Even more common, those traits are also usually incorrectly conflated with leadership skills - then we wonder how we end up with leaders who are all talk but get nothing done, while we ignore the people making a real difference. The scales have been balancing out in recent years. Maybe not as quickly as preferred but, in general, emotional and social intelligence has gained importance.

I believe in the concept of non-duality - that we are comprised of opposites into a single whole and in order to fulfill our purpose, we have to embrace our inner contradictions. Everyone has masculine and feminine energy within them, but how we choose to express those aspects of ourselves has a myriad of faces. This can be difficult for some people to understand because they're used to dualistic thinking. Most people are subconsciously programmed with a bias just by growing up in a polarized culture. Even within feminist circles, there is so much internalized misogyny, it's not even funny. Our cultural depiction of a "strong woman" is outspoken, aggressive, doesn't dress sexy (and sometimes she doesn't even dress feminine), and leads people into battle. Not saying strong women aren't like this - some definitely are. But we've also created a false dichotomy where the antithesis of the "strong female character" are characters who society deems as going too far into the feminine spectrum. When you really look at cultural depictions, you start to notice all the subtle hints about what the People in Charge (PIC) want you to believe. For example, I love "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." But a lot of the hilarity in that movie is generated because Andi is the stereotypical "cool girl" - i.e., the Perfect Woman, who is thin despite eating a steady diet of pizza and beer, loves sports, and looks beautiful without being high-maintenance - pretending to be a crazy girlfriend, who happens to be really girly. But at the end of the movie, she gets stopped from pursuing her dream of being a real journalist when Prince Charming (Matthew McConaughey) finally realizes he loves her. Really, Hollywood?! Is that really what a Strong Woman would do? I strongly believe that, if she is staying true to her heart, she'll find a way to make it work - she can have Prince Charming and pursue her dreams. In fact, if he really was Prince Charming, he'd be right beside her making her dreams happen and vice versa. It doesn't have to be a zero sum game.

To be a real gender nonconformist is to make your own choices in life, to be who you are even if it doesn't fit nicely in a box, even when the judgement is harsh and difficult to hear. It's not for the faint of heart. And maybe it's because I've been feeling this pressure more than usual - on top of being the primary breadwinner, I have to be the perfect mom and housewife, while trying to work on my own dreams in the wee hours of the morning - but I'm getting fed up with the current state of affairs. I've taken on all the gender roles which, ironically, makes me both not feminine or masculine enough to fit in anywhere. I don't like to be mean or overly aggressive with people (and I'm "too young"), so apparently I'm not cut out for a leadership role. But I'm too opinionated and intelligent to blindly follow whatever authority figure I'm stuck with. What's a girl to do?

I'm so done with this nonsense. I just want to make my own rules. Like Taylor did.

"The Man" Video