"The Man" by Taylor Swift

You thought you were going to get out of T-Swift this month, didn't you? Haha...nope. It's her fucking birthday and as someone who also places a lot of importance (probably too much) on her birthday, I feel like I would be doing her a disservice if I didn't play it up sorta big. She is the Billboard Artist of the Decade, after all. True Story. The ceremony was yesterday, the day before her 30th birthday. That's a big fucking deal, considering that almost exactly 10 years ago, Kanye West jumped onstage and ruined her acceptance speech for Best Female Video at the VMAs. I think that was a turning point for her, because - the thing is - he would not have even dared to do that with any of the other nominees. P!nk fucking chewed his ass out afterward. Beyonce was a real lady and gave up her acceptance speech for Video of the Year so Taylor could finish hers. The rest of the nominees were of equal caliber, all brilliant female artists in their own right. But, when they're drunk (on alcohol or power), bullies go after people they think are weak. And I think she got tired of people thinking she was this sweet little girl they could walk all over with no consequences. As a result, she went on the defensive and became really aggressive in shaping her image. She never hid the fact that it was intentional - she wanted to change her reputation. And Swift got criticized for being too mean and ruthless. The "sweet, quiet girl" turned into a "fucking bitch" real quick after she started sticking up for herself. That's pretty typical.

I would be complex

I would be cool

They'd say I played the field before

I found someone to commit to

And that would be okay

For me to do

Every conquest I had made

Would make me more of a boss to you

I'd be a fearless leader

I'd be an alpha type

When everyone believes ya

What's that like?

This is my favorite song off her new album. I've decided it's my anthem for 2020, because I find it almost unbearably true. American culture has a bias towards masculine traits, especially in professional settings. In my experience, active traits such as aggressiveness, overconfidence, and posturing seems more highly valued than more passive skills like communication, planning, and negotiation/compromise, even when those same traits can be detrimental to reaching a goal. Even more common, those traits are also usually incorrectly conflated with leadership skills - then we wonder how we end up with leaders who are all talk but get nothing done, while we ignore the people making a real difference. The scales have been balancing out in recent years. Maybe not as quickly as preferred but, in general, emotional and social intelligence has gained importance.

I believe in the concept of non-duality - that we are comprised of opposites into a single whole and in order to fulfill our purpose, we have to embrace our inner contradictions. Everyone has masculine and feminine energy within them, but how we choose to express those aspects of ourselves has a myriad of faces. This can be difficult for some people to understand because they're used to dualistic thinking. Most people are subconsciously programmed with a bias just by growing up in a polarized culture. Even within feminist circles, there is so much internalized misogyny, it's not even funny. Our cultural depiction of a "strong woman" is outspoken, aggressive, doesn't dress sexy (and sometimes she doesn't even dress feminine), and leads people into battle. Not saying strong women aren't like this - some definitely are. But we've also created a false dichotomy where the antithesis of the "strong female character" are characters who society deems as going too far into the feminine spectrum. When you really look at cultural depictions, you start to notice all the subtle hints about what the People in Charge (PIC) want you to believe. For example, I love "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." But a lot of the hilarity in that movie is generated because Andi is the stereotypical "cool girl" - i.e., the Perfect Woman, who is thin despite eating a steady diet of pizza and beer, loves sports, and looks beautiful without being high-maintenance - pretending to be a crazy girlfriend, who happens to be really girly. But at the end of the movie, she gets stopped from pursuing her dream of being a real journalist when Prince Charming (Matthew McConaughey) finally realizes he loves her. Really, Hollywood?! Is that really what a Strong Woman would do? I strongly believe that, if she is staying true to her heart, she'll find a way to make it work - she can have Prince Charming and pursue her dreams. In fact, if he really was Prince Charming, he'd be right beside her making her dreams happen and vice versa. It doesn't have to be a zero sum game.

To be a real gender nonconformist is to make your own choices in life, to be who you are even if it doesn't fit nicely in a box, even when the judgement is harsh and difficult to hear. It's not for the faint of heart. And maybe it's because I've been feeling this pressure more than usual - on top of being the primary breadwinner, I have to be the perfect mom and housewife, while trying to work on my own dreams in the wee hours of the morning - but I'm getting fed up with the current state of affairs. I've taken on all the gender roles which, ironically, makes me both not feminine or masculine enough to fit in anywhere. I don't like to be mean or overly aggressive with people (and I'm "too young"), so apparently I'm not cut out for a leadership role. But I'm too opinionated and intelligent to blindly follow whatever authority figure I'm stuck with. What's a girl to do?

I'm so done with this nonsense. I just want to make my own rules. Like Taylor did.

"The Man" Video

"Goddess" by Jaira Burns

I'm stretching it a little in that I'm not exactly sure if Jaira Burns is a pagan/witch. She could be - she seems the type. One of those secret witches who drops hints in her songs - like Taylor Swift and Ariana Grande. No, what it comes down to is I heard this on my new Spotify mix today and it fit the current astrological climate beautifully. Venus moved into the sign of Scorpio this week, moving from a sign where she is in her rulership (Libra) to a sign where she is in her detriment. Everything is a little darker, a little bit more mysterious, and a lot more secretive. Venus in Scorpio believes we never really understand the depths of our hearts. Sometimes, we keep things locked away - quiet, secret, safe - to protect ourselves. Venus in Scorpio - much like Moon in Scorpio - believes very much in soul mates. And more than anything, she wants love to be intense, passionate, and - maybe, just maybe - a little bit painful. In a good way. On the 13th, the night of the Full Moon in Aries, we'll also be hitting up against a hard opposition to Uranus. When that happens, it may manifest in various ways. Fights in normally harmonious partnerships. Secrets being revealed. A desire to change up your appearance in a drastic way. And, not least of all, perhaps some less-than-vanilla sex. Venus is in Scorpio, after all.

'Cause I'm a goddess, I'm fuckin' flawless, let's not be modest

'Cause if you fuck with me, I might just change your life

'Cause I'm a goddess, make you a promise

That if you fuck with me, I might just change your life

As I've mentioned, I'm reading "The Red Goddess" by Peter Grey, which is all about how the Sacred Courtesan became debased in modern society. It goes through the history of all the early fertility goddesses and how they were gradually demonized by the subsequent ascent of Abrahamic faiths (i.e., Judaism, Christianity, and Islam). For example, Lilith - whom I have a personal affinity for - began as one of the handmaidens of the Sumerian goddess, Inanna (who was later incarnated as Ishtar in Babylon). However, in Judaism, she has been transformed into the Mother of Demons, simply because she refused to be subservient to Adam. Ironically, in the latest season of "The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina," Lilith the Demon has inhabited the body of a woman engaged to a man name Adam. Despite her reservations, she falls in love with him, because he vows to treat her as an equal (which is a better deal than when she married Lucifer). It's a long story but it's one of the reasons CAOS is one of my favorite shows. It uses it's campiness to shed light on some real societal issues that we apparently still haven't come to terms with, even in the Age of Information. Moving on, Peter Grey posits that sex - as well as other pleasures like wine and psychotropic drugs - were demonized by the Church because these had been the ways that ancient humans communed with the gods. And, specifically, it was the chief method of experiencing the Goddess. Being a prostitute was a sacred act - even the origin of the word prostitute meant to "stand on behalf of [the Goddess]." Herodotus, the Greek historian, remarked on a strange custom of the Babylonians, where women would sit on the steps of the Temple to be selected to sacrifice their virginity to the first man who dropped a coin in their lap. It was a sacred tradition to be of service to the Goddess in this way. It seems strange to read historical accounts like this and then turn around to see how much femininity and sexuality are viewed as shameful in the modern world.

'Cause my body is a temple

And it needs some extra detail right here, right now

And my name is monumental

Say it for me, for me, for me

No discussion of the Goddess would be complete without mentioning sex magick. It sounds really exciting and all, but what it comes down to is focusing on your intent (easier said than done) and trying to harness sexual release (i.e., orgasms) toward that intent. Obviously, the theory goes it's much more powerful with two participants, if that's possible. That being said, even some of the Big Name Pagans I follow on Twitter/Instagram are wary of just going out and asking a potential sexual partner, "Hey, do you want to perform some sex magic with me?" At best, they agree to sex but don't take the magic part seriously. And, at worst, they think you're a weirdo and you scare them off. Needless to say, most witches take it into their own hands (literally) and I'm sure things work out just fine. Maybe better, because you don't have to shoo anyone out of your house afterwards. Gaby Herstik, one of those BNPs I was talking about, is working on a book that supposedly focuses solely on sex magick, which I'm probably going to buy simply because I love her work (not the only reason, of course, but a big reason).

That was a fun rant. Probably more about this in the future because Mars is about to enter Scorpio to, which means that planet is going to be very powerful because it will be in the sign of its rulership (think war, anger, and more sex). Late October and November are going to be pretty intense, astrologically. Only time will tell if that reflects in real life. I'll end with the following random words of wisdom, because based on what I'm reading on Twitter, people really fucking don't understand some things and need some clarification. Being tied up doesn't make you submissive. Being on the bottom doesn't make you submissive. It's who's making the demands that matters - are you making the rules or just doing what you're told? Food for thought....my mind gets so low in the gutter lately, but it seems to be comfortable there. 😈

"Goddess" Video

"Girl on Fire" by Alicia Keys

Tonight's full moon is in its home sign of Cancer, which is also my Sun sign. I'm pretty much your stereotypical Cancer - I'm self-aware enough to admit that. In general, I tend to take astrology with a grain of salt but I think it can be effective to understand your chart just for "know thyself" purposes. The goal of astrology is to embody the positive aspects of your Sun sign while being aware - and in control of - the negative aspects. For example, a Cancer person at their best is extremely passionate, loving, nurturing, spontaneous, and creative. We have a tendency to go with the flow, are incredibly loyal and protective of the people we care about, and although we can come off kind of cold, we're actually extremely emotional and open (you just have to get past the tough shell, hence the crab symbolism). That all sounds great, right? Well, there's always a dark side. We can be moody and overemotional. Very clingy in relationships (so true - in the beginning, I was always holding the Husband's hand or wanting kisses when he was busy - to be fair, I was young and he was my first serious relationship). On our worst days, we can become extremely pessimistic - and I'm generally an optimistic (idealistic) person, so when I get into those dark places (which can happen with no warning), it can be surprising to some people. Cancers have a tendency to be suspicious of others without cause and cling to imagined slights to justify it (so much jealousy when I was younger!). Oh - and did I mention we also have a tendency to nag? That's something I have to be especially aware of as a supervisor, because it can seem that I don't trust my team to do their jobs, even though it's just my anxiety to ensure that we meet our objectives.

There are other things in your chart besides your Sun sign. For example, my moon is in Scorpio, which means I tend to be obsessive, feel an attraction towards the occult/mystical, and when I go dark, I go really dark (like "life is meaningless and we should destroy everything" dark). But, I have Mercury in Gemini, which means I'm very good with communication (which makes sense, when you look at my day job and my side hustle as a writer). Again, the goal is to know yourself - astrology is a tool to do that better, even if you don't take it that seriously. With the Full Moon in Cancer, it's also all about hyper-feminine energy. Following your intuition and getting in touch with your emotions is the core emphasis for the last stretch of 2018. I've always been drawn to the Dark Mother archetype for goddesses - Persephone, The Morrigan, Kali, Hekate, Lilith. Out of these, I'm most called to Lilith - her power lies in Sexuality as opposed to Knowledge (Hekate) or Destruction (Kali). Men fear her because they want her but can't own her. She's also one of those goddesses who is unapologetically feminine. Nowadays, we seem to be totally cool when a woman embraces her masculine side but still struggle with people (men and women) embracing and enjoying femininity. Yes, even "feminists" seem to have issues with this, sometimes (that's a rant for another day). And that's what a full moon in Cancer is here to remind us. That there is power in softness. That it takes a special kind of strength to be emotionally vulnerable. That trusting your intuition is not weakness.

Looks like a girl, but she's a flame

So bright, she can burn your eyes

Better look the other way

You can try but you'll never forget her name

She's on top of the world

Hottest of the hottest girls say

Oh, we got our feet on the ground

And we're burning it down

Oh, got our head in the clouds

And we're not coming down

It's been a very emotional day. Almost had a nervous breakdown earlier over a snafu with the rental car, which happened as a result of letting The Husband sleep in too late (okay....I didn't "let" him...I kept trying to wake him up earlier but he still slept in until 10am). I didn't blame him, though - nope, instead, I just beat myself up because, in all honesty, I should've just dragged him out of bed and just dealt with him being pissed at me for an hour (he still ended up being pissed because he had to contact the rental company to resolve the issue). The truth is I'm getting really tired of feeling like I have to take on all the responsibility and do everything myself. In addition to that, I had a really weird dream about The Movie Star (formerly The Muse - only a half-sarcastic moniker because I genuinely hope he achieves his goal of becoming a working actor). He was telling me all the things I had hoped he would say to me in the past and my reaction was, "Oh, that's nice....Bye!" Which I suppose is a good thing - it proves that I'm really done with it. And even though I still think he's objectively attractive, if I ever run into him again, I'm pretty sure that I'll have that same reaction. "Nice to see ya! Now, excuse me, I have shit to do." There's kind of a sad finality to it - a farewell to innocent hopes - but it's also kind of freeing, too. Now I can be my own Muse.

Lately, I've been feeling "Girl on Fire," mostly because everything is a mess and - damn it! - I'll fix this shit myself if I have to. Which, increasingly, it feels like that might be the case. The song is about knowing your power and being independent and standing on your own. Yes, the girl might be lonely, but that doesn't dull her light. If anything, maybe it makes her burn brighter. There are worse things than being alone. In the video, Alicia Keys portrays a single mother, making it work the only way she knows how. And of course, she looks absolutely beautiful doing it. Anyway, it's been a long day and I'm not even sure today's rant was cohesive but - to be honest - I really don't give a shit right now.

"Girl on Fire" Video