"Girl on Fire" by Alicia Keys

Tonight's full moon is in its home sign of Cancer, which is also my Sun sign. I'm pretty much your stereotypical Cancer - I'm self-aware enough to admit that. In general, I tend to take astrology with a grain of salt but I think it can be effective to understand your chart just for "know thyself" purposes. The goal of astrology is to embody the positive aspects of your Sun sign while being aware - and in control of - the negative aspects. For example, a Cancer person at their best is extremely passionate, loving, nurturing, spontaneous, and creative. We have a tendency to go with the flow, are incredibly loyal and protective of the people we care about, and although we can come off kind of cold, we're actually extremely emotional and open (you just have to get past the tough shell, hence the crab symbolism). That all sounds great, right? Well, there's always a dark side. We can be moody and overemotional. Very clingy in relationships (so true - in the beginning, I was always holding the Husband's hand or wanting kisses when he was busy - to be fair, I was young and he was my first serious relationship). On our worst days, we can become extremely pessimistic - and I'm generally an optimistic (idealistic) person, so when I get into those dark places (which can happen with no warning), it can be surprising to some people. Cancers have a tendency to be suspicious of others without cause and cling to imagined slights to justify it (so much jealousy when I was younger!). Oh - and did I mention we also have a tendency to nag? That's something I have to be especially aware of as a supervisor, because it can seem that I don't trust my team to do their jobs, even though it's just my anxiety to ensure that we meet our objectives.

There are other things in your chart besides your Sun sign. For example, my moon is in Scorpio, which means I tend to be obsessive, feel an attraction towards the occult/mystical, and when I go dark, I go really dark (like "life is meaningless and we should destroy everything" dark). But, I have Mercury in Gemini, which means I'm very good with communication (which makes sense, when you look at my day job and my side hustle as a writer). Again, the goal is to know yourself - astrology is a tool to do that better, even if you don't take it that seriously. With the Full Moon in Cancer, it's also all about hyper-feminine energy. Following your intuition and getting in touch with your emotions is the core emphasis for the last stretch of 2018. I've always been drawn to the Dark Mother archetype for goddesses - Persephone, The Morrigan, Kali, Hekate, Lilith. Out of these, I'm most called to Lilith - her power lies in Sexuality as opposed to Knowledge (Hekate) or Destruction (Kali). Men fear her because they want her but can't own her. She's also one of those goddesses who is unapologetically feminine. Nowadays, we seem to be totally cool when a woman embraces her masculine side but still struggle with people (men and women) embracing and enjoying femininity. Yes, even "feminists" seem to have issues with this, sometimes (that's a rant for another day). And that's what a full moon in Cancer is here to remind us. That there is power in softness. That it takes a special kind of strength to be emotionally vulnerable. That trusting your intuition is not weakness.

Looks like a girl, but she's a flame

So bright, she can burn your eyes

Better look the other way

You can try but you'll never forget her name

She's on top of the world

Hottest of the hottest girls say

Oh, we got our feet on the ground

And we're burning it down

Oh, got our head in the clouds

And we're not coming down

It's been a very emotional day. Almost had a nervous breakdown earlier over a snafu with the rental car, which happened as a result of letting The Husband sleep in too late (okay....I didn't "let" him...I kept trying to wake him up earlier but he still slept in until 10am). I didn't blame him, though - nope, instead, I just beat myself up because, in all honesty, I should've just dragged him out of bed and just dealt with him being pissed at me for an hour (he still ended up being pissed because he had to contact the rental company to resolve the issue). The truth is I'm getting really tired of feeling like I have to take on all the responsibility and do everything myself. In addition to that, I had a really weird dream about The Movie Star (formerly The Muse - only a half-sarcastic moniker because I genuinely hope he achieves his goal of becoming a working actor). He was telling me all the things I had hoped he would say to me in the past and my reaction was, "Oh, that's nice....Bye!" Which I suppose is a good thing - it proves that I'm really done with it. And even though I still think he's objectively attractive, if I ever run into him again, I'm pretty sure that I'll have that same reaction. "Nice to see ya! Now, excuse me, I have shit to do." There's kind of a sad finality to it - a farewell to innocent hopes - but it's also kind of freeing, too. Now I can be my own Muse.

Lately, I've been feeling "Girl on Fire," mostly because everything is a mess and - damn it! - I'll fix this shit myself if I have to. Which, increasingly, it feels like that might be the case. The song is about knowing your power and being independent and standing on your own. Yes, the girl might be lonely, but that doesn't dull her light. If anything, maybe it makes her burn brighter. There are worse things than being alone. In the video, Alicia Keys portrays a single mother, making it work the only way she knows how. And of course, she looks absolutely beautiful doing it. Anyway, it's been a long day and I'm not even sure today's rant was cohesive but - to be honest - I really don't give a shit right now.

"Girl on Fire" Video