In a recent interview, Ariana Grande said that 2018 was both the best year of her life...and the worst. All I can say is...Ari, I'm right there with you. I think a lot of people are. And while most people haven't had as crazy a year as Grande has had (recovering from the trauma of a terrorist attack at one of her concerts, getting engaged, losing someone she loved to an overdose, getting un-engaged - all while churning out chart-toppers), there seems to be this atmosphere hanging in the air. That this was supposed to be a year of trials, tribulations, and transformation. I've been hanging around on Twitter a lot lately (a lot more than I had been the last couple of months) and - perhaps it's just the people I follow - but there's been a lot of "2018 year kind of sucked but I grew a lot as a person and that's awesome" stuff going around. Along with this seems to be an undercurrent of "2019 is going to be a-mazing." And while we always seem to think that around the New Year before it turns into same shit, different week...I'm hopeful. Who knows? Maybe 2019 really will be amazing.
I have plans, though. Lots of plans, because I do see the new year as an opportunity to start over, in some ways. To renew motivation. To refocus on what's important. Because, sometimes, that's all you can do. So, in addition to my perennial resolution to become a member of the Illuminati (which I make every year, because that should be everyone's goal), I'm expanding on my yearly motto of Read More, Write More, Move More, Be More.....and now, Love More. I'm going to try to be more present for my family, and more understanding and patient. With them and myself. I'm going to keep writing and try to be more effective with the few hours I have a week to devote to my projects. I plan to continue and expand my yoga practice (something I've taken up recently that I've found helps with the existential dread). Cook more and eat a more plant-based diet (The Husband is not very happy with this so we're not going completely vegetarian....for now). And then the usual business of continuing to be awesome at my job, being a good leader, and maintaining my current pace of constant learning. Which is exhausting, but incredibly rewarding when I look back at how far I've come.
I have plans, though. Lots of plans, because I do see the new year as an opportunity to start over, in some ways. To renew motivation. To refocus on what's important. Because, sometimes, that's all you can do. So, in addition to my perennial resolution to become a member of the Illuminati (which I make every year, because that should be everyone's goal), I'm expanding on my yearly motto of Read More, Write More, Move More, Be More.....and now, Love More. I'm going to try to be more present for my family, and more understanding and patient. With them and myself. I'm going to keep writing and try to be more effective with the few hours I have a week to devote to my projects. I plan to continue and expand my yoga practice (something I've taken up recently that I've found helps with the existential dread). Cook more and eat a more plant-based diet (The Husband is not very happy with this so we're not going completely vegetarian....for now). And then the usual business of continuing to be awesome at my job, being a good leader, and maintaining my current pace of constant learning. Which is exhausting, but incredibly rewarding when I look back at how far I've come.
Some days, things just take way too much of my energy
I look up and the whole room's spinning
You take my cares away
I can so overcomplicate, people tell me to medicate
Feel my blood runnin', swear the sky's fallin'
How do I know if this shit's fabricated?
Time goes by and I can't control my mind
Don't know what else to try, but you tell me every time
Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin'
And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin'
Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin'
And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin'
Lately, I've been having these moments of soul-wrenching pain. And by pain, I mean mental anguish...but I also feel it in my heart as well. But it's fine - they last 5 to 10 minutes at most. They might go away eventually....or I might keep having them until I die. I've accepted this - I have a sinking feeling that it's the latter, but I'll keep hoping. Anyway, I have this ridiculous theory that tears make your eyelashes grow longer so, really, weeping for no good reason (or for reasons that cannot be fully articulated or even understood) is an integral part of my beauty routine. As I said, these moments are temporary and the way to get through them is to stop. Keep breathing. And remember everything I have to be grateful and happy for. I'm a different person than I was a year ago. Despite all my failures and faults this year, I've become a better version of myself. And isn't that the purpose of a resolution? To make a conscious decision to better than you were before? Well, I'm going to take a page out of Neil Gaiman's book and make some new mistakes next year. Some really good, imaginative, spectacular mistakes. Because I'm still trying, damn it, and that's all anyone can expect from me. I'm putting in the effort, I'm putting in the work.
Some notes on the song - As you might've been able to guess, "breathin" is about Ariana Grande's struggle with anxiety, which got considerably worse (understandably) after the Manchester Bombing. Grande was diagnosed with PTSD shortly after a suicide bomber killed 23 people leaving one of her concerts. She has been very open about the feelings of guilt and pain and grief that she's experienced after this event. Unfortunately, this has led to quite a bit of public scrutiny. I think it's important to remember that we can't really judge other people's experiences or how they deal with them. It's not easy to tell when someone is struggling with anxiety or PTSD or depression - some people are more adept at hiding mental illness because they feel like they have to. On the flip side, society has this idea that mental illness should be obvious - that you should be breaking down in tears if you're really feeling sad. But really, the most common signs of these illnesses are being withdrawn and exhausted all the time, which seems to be the American Millennial's red badge of courage. However, this seems to be changing. Taking time for yourself is not selfish, but essential in order to be able to contribute your best to the world. There's a number of women younger than me (all around 23-27) that I really admire because it seems they've figured out things (like the aforementioned truisms) that took me three decades to even begin to learn. I wish I had understood when I was in my 20s, but there's a lesson in that, too. It's never too late.
Happy New Year, my friends! I hope your 2019 is everything you imagine it will be!
Some notes on the song - As you might've been able to guess, "breathin" is about Ariana Grande's struggle with anxiety, which got considerably worse (understandably) after the Manchester Bombing. Grande was diagnosed with PTSD shortly after a suicide bomber killed 23 people leaving one of her concerts. She has been very open about the feelings of guilt and pain and grief that she's experienced after this event. Unfortunately, this has led to quite a bit of public scrutiny. I think it's important to remember that we can't really judge other people's experiences or how they deal with them. It's not easy to tell when someone is struggling with anxiety or PTSD or depression - some people are more adept at hiding mental illness because they feel like they have to. On the flip side, society has this idea that mental illness should be obvious - that you should be breaking down in tears if you're really feeling sad. But really, the most common signs of these illnesses are being withdrawn and exhausted all the time, which seems to be the American Millennial's red badge of courage. However, this seems to be changing. Taking time for yourself is not selfish, but essential in order to be able to contribute your best to the world. There's a number of women younger than me (all around 23-27) that I really admire because it seems they've figured out things (like the aforementioned truisms) that took me three decades to even begin to learn. I wish I had understood when I was in my 20s, but there's a lesson in that, too. It's never too late.
Happy New Year, my friends! I hope your 2019 is everything you imagine it will be!
"breathin" Video
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