"Out Tonight" as performed by Rosario Dawson in "Rent (2005)"

I was fairly obsessed with this film when it came out in 2005 and this is my favorite song in the musical. There's something about it I deeply resonate with. More on that later. Let's lay the foundation first. "Rent" is basically a retelling of Giacomo Puccini's opera, "La Boheme," - in fact, it's a running joke that all the songs that Roger writes (during a heavy bout of song-writer's block) sound like Musetta's waltz, an aria that features heavily in Act II of the opera. Both the musical and the opera follow a cast of characters - some lovers, some friends, all tied together in various ways - trying to find beauty, love, and purpose in a harsh world where Death is not only inevitable but a spectre who looms ever so close over their daily lives. Though separated by a span of a century, the themes presented are universal and keenly felt, making the narrative of "La Boheme"/"Rent" timeless.

The character who sings this song, Mimi, is somewhat doomed in both the opera and the Broadway musical. "Rent" provides a somewhat happier ending for her but even then, her story is a tragic one. Mimi is slowly dying in both stories, the only difference being the disease that leeches her vitality. Obviously, in the opera, it's tuberculosis, which consumed many impoverished artisans in the late 1800s/early 1900s. In "Rent," Mimi has HIV, which had an equally grim prognosis in the late 80s. While people who are HIV positive may live decades today with proper treatment, the likelihood of receiving proper treatment was low and the progression to AIDS within a few years was a real possibility. Not so coincidentally, contraction of tuberculosis is one of the highest risks for people with untreated HIV. It's important to note that Roger's obsession with getting to Santa Fe wasn't just a whim. At the time, New Mexico was the only state whose Department of Health recognized the dire need to focus on treating HIV/AIDS and subsequently established a program in 1985 that provided financial assistance to patients with the disease. In his mind, it was the only idea that would lead to him and Mimi living a long, happy life together. In the opera, Mimi dies. In "Rent," she appears to die but then comes back to life....but for how long? We want to believe she and Roger will grow old together, but there's a dark reality underneath the forced happy ending.

This song showcases the essence of Mimi's character, who wants only to be young and free, but whose life is punctuated by deep pain, anxiety, and regret due to her illness and addictions. On the surface, she seems carefree but her lively facade hides a penchant for self-destructive tendencies. Dating married men way older than she is (who couldn't care less about her well-being). Getting lost in the false high of drugs and alcohol (mostly heroin). Using her flirtatiousness and sexuality as a shield. In short, she's a teenager who is scared out of her wits and is desperately distracting herself with whatever is available. Her relationship with Roger is what helps her see the truth that's before her - that her destructive tendencies are as much to blame as her illness for why her life is a mess. She separates from him because she fears her self-destructiveness will destroy him, too. An act that, though misguided, is one of pure love. She is his muse and when she leaves, she becomes Roger's obsession. In the end, they are reunited, if only for a moment.

In the evening I've got to roam

Can't sleep in the city of neon and chrome

Feels too damn much like home

When the Spanish babies cry

So let's find a bar

So dark we forget who we are

But all the scars from the nevers and maybes die

It's Libra season, my lovelies, and thus begins the season of shadow work. Nope, it's not just Scorpio who thinks too deeply - Libra, being an Air sign, is all about thought and mental clarity. Libra has an obsession with balance and equality, especially when it comes to relationships, and that is never more clear than when I talk to my older sister (whose birthday was yesterday). It never ceases to amaze me how she can keep juggling so many balls (hobbies, passions, relationships) without dropping from exhaustion. I bring that up because I find myself falling into a pattern I seem to repeat when I feel overly stressed and emotional. That is - I pretend everything is fine and to prove everything is fine, I take on more and more things until I'm too exhausted to even think about the original problem. Much like Mimi, I lose myself in the distraction of chaotic and fun moments to avoid the hollowness of existence. In these moments, I will often schedule several things to happen on a specific day and then marvel that I'm able to get all of them done. For example, I recall one day in high school where I participated in a choir competition, left the competition to get fitted for my costume in the school play, went back for the second half of the competition to cheer on my best friend, then afterwards went to some kind of school social event, before ending the day doing karaoke at Double Dave's. This is just one example of many. I'm good at time management, so I don't really think it's a good excuse to say you're too busy. Because what you're really saying is you don't want to do something, because people can make the time to do anything if/when they really want to.

I'm finding myself doing that again, especially with social engagements. This will probably hurt my introvert cred, but I enjoy being around people. Yes, for a long time, I wondered if it was because I hate to be alone. That's something I was prone to do in college - if the night ended too early for me with one group of friends (which, as a shameless night owl, almost always did), I'd turn around and find someone else to hang out with. The fear of loneliness may have been a real issue once but it's not anymore. However, maybe a little bit of alone time might be good for me. As you may have guessed, I have been feeling a bit uninspired to write - well, at least, uninspired to write in this blog. Offline, however, my mind has been churning on other projects. Mostly angry poetry. Incredibly dark and angry poetry. Not so coincidentally, I've been listening to a lot of NF (whose music I find almost therapeutic in its honesty) and other NSFW tunes. Don't know what I'm going to do with it - probably just stuff it in a drawer - but for now, I've been turning my attention inward. Hopefully it yields results.

"Out Tonight" Video