"Bitch" by Meredith Brooks

This song was a favorite for me and my best friend to sing at Double Dave's for karaoke. Usually, I'd choose a really depressing Jewel song to sing (because I sing them so well - she's one of the artists that taught me how to sing via osmosis), but this was the exception. This song came out in 1997, and as you may be able to tell, it was among the various versions of Girl Power that has shaped Millennial feminism. And I'm no exception. I am what I am, I want what I want, and if you can't accept that, you can go fuck off. That's the tagline for basically all the brilliant albums by female artists that came out in the 90s. Also, Rae always liked to tease me about my crush on a fellow actor, Rob, and his inability to project his voice in the theatre unless he was cursing. Bitch was one of the words he said particularly clearly. "Four whores and seven beers ago, some women called me father...." That's a line he had in a variety show my drama club put on and it's one of the funniest lines I've ever heard in an amateur production. Being that hilarious in my writing while addressing difficult subjects is what I aspire to.

I'm told I'm a "sweetheart." Mostly. I look mean but then when people get to know me, they learn how friendly and caring I can be. I will literally do anything for the people that I care about. Some examples - jump off walls, drive hundreds of miles just to visit for a couple days, change all my carefully laid plans on a moment's notice to help them out. Anything. But that doesn't mean I can't be a bitch - it just takes a lot. Usually, the bitch only comes out when I'm feeling threatened or when my tolerance for bullshit has hit an all time low (and that's really, really fucking hard to do). To some, it can come as a surprise. I'm the nicest person in the world...until I'm not. For some reason, people don't think I'm going to stand up for myself when they cross the line but - sooner or later - I always do. Because someone has to. I'm an incredibly flawed individual and painfully self-aware, and I'm working on it. But I'm the only one who knows where I've been and where I'm going.

I hate the world today

You're so good to me

I know but I can't change

Tried to tell you

But you look at me like maybe

I'm an angel underneath

Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried

Must have been relieved to see

The softer side

I can understand how you'd be so confused

I don't envy you

I'm a little bit of everything

All rolled into one

It occurred to me today that there are people who already think I'm a bitch, because they don't know me very well. Mostly, people who are supposed to be my "colleagues," in theory. Ironically, they think I'm a bitch because I speak up. And I don't put up with their bullshit, like my boss does. That's okay, though, because I literally don't care anymore. My gift has always been my voice. That's why I sing and write. And why (I hope) when I say something, most people shut up and listen. And I realized that people treat me like a doormat because I don't say anything. Until I get fed up, then everyone looks at me like I'm the bad guy. Fuck that noise.

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease

I'm a goddess on my knees

When you hurt, when you suffer

I'm your angel undercover

I've been numb, I'm revived

Can't say I'm not alive

You know I wouldn't want it any other way

I'm thinking back on my trip to Boston and considering some moments that stand out, all of which happened during a drunken haze. Weirdly enough, I actually remember all the stupid stuff I do while I'm drunk. I have a theory that it's a superpower that all writers have. Back to those moments:

1. Some girl who bumped into me on accident called me the "most adorable human ever." Accurate.
2. Another (extremely drunk) young lady said I was "a true friend" because I held the door closed while she was going to the bathroom. The lock on the stall was broken and girls had been doing that for each other all night, so I just thought I was being courteous. There's a special kind of solidarity between drunk girls in a loud dance club....one that I kind of missed, to be honest. 
3. I was dancing with my sister's friend (who was kind enough to watch after me when my sister disappeared for like 30 minutes) and he asked me when was the last time I felt "this free." I replied that it had been over a decade. It was only the morning after I realized that I'd lied. I had felt that free more recently than that. I just forgot about it for a moment. I can be that free again, if I want. And I don't need to be five beers deep to feel it. 

Everything feels like a lesson nowadays. And even the light moments, like the ones mentioned, feel heavier as I get older. I was considering a quote by Friedrich Nietzche this morning - "And once you are awake, you shall remain awake eternally." Which sucks. You can't un-know what you know and it truly is a bitch. But I ask you - who would ever want to go back to sleep?

"Bitch" Video