"Supergirl" by Reamonn

I was looking for a different song named "Supergirl" and I found this instead. The sound fit my mood more so I'm gonna go with it. I've just been feeling like I've been doing a lot and lately, I've been wonder if I really want to do even half of it. Or if I'm just doing things because it's expected, because it's routine. I found myself explaining something to someone and my only thought was, "Is it really this hard?" It might be. I'm not sure if I understand what simple means anymore. Everything is complicated. And I have a bad habit of making things easy for others. However, if I step back and think about what I want, the answer seems too simple. I want to be free. Unfortunately, I don't have that luxury - I've made too many mistakes.

You can tell by the way she walks 

That she's my girl. 

You can tell by the way 

She talks, she rules the world. 

You can see in her eyes 

That no one is her chain

She's my girl, 

My supergirl.

Anyway, the song is about a woman (whom the singer loves) who has never had anyone to rely on except herself. So she does everything herself, handles everything by herself. Her emotions, her vulnerabilities, her insecurities. The singer sees all those ugly things and he still loves her. However, she doesn't believe he can really be that person who she can count on. He can't handle her at her worst....probably because she's never even let him see her at her worst, but I digress. Eventually she starts pushing him away because, due to this wall she built up, she walks away unfulfilled. She's so certain that he's going to abandon her that she burns that bridge before he can. To quote T-Swift, "you gotta leave before you get left." My assumption is the singer wrote this song after the relationship ended.

And then she'd shout 

Down the line 

Tell me she's got no more time 

'Cause she's a supergirl 

And supergirl's don't cry 

And then she'd scream in my face 

Tell me to leave

Leave this place 

'Cause she's a supergirl 

And supergirl's just fly 

Honestly, there's a lot to unpack here - more than I have time to write, but I'll try to do some short notes, since it is interesting (and complicated) psychology. Fear of abandonment is a helluva drug, people. It makes us hold onto toxic things that should have died long ago and push away things that might actually be exactly what we wanted. A few quick signs of abandonment fear include:

• Quickness to attach (even - and maybe especially - to unavailable partners)
• Intense separation anxiety
• Feeling insecure and unworthy of love
• Hypersensitivity to criticism
• Aiming to please
• Difficulty trusting others
• Being nitpicky and hard-to-please

All of the above is interesting because fear of abandonment also manifests as:

• Reluctance to fully commit
• Difficulty achieving emotional intimacy"
• Quickness to move on to ensure you don't get too attached

Ironically, those last three appear when fear of abandonment is triggered the most. This happens when you find someone you really like, that you really click with, i.e., someone whose abandonment would hurt you the worst. Contrariwise, you may end up staying with people who don't care about you or, in some cases, are abusive (most narcissistic relationship dynamics have some element of abandonment fear in them). Mostly because people with a fear of abandonment are more likely to ignore those red flags signalling incompatibility or abusiveness, because they are so eager to not be alone. No Doubt has a great lyric for this in their song, "Magic's In The Makeup": "The ones I loathe are the ones who know me the best." Unfortunately, the methods to deal with this fear can eventually end up driving people away, resulting in the thing you fear the most. You either get really clingy and insecure. Or, you go the opposite way and you get really aloof, as if you don't care at all (but you really do - that's the problem...it's fucking scary as hell).  

Psychologists thinks this fear stems from the development of object permanence. Normally, around age 3, children learn that separation from their parents does not result in their parent not loving them anymore. They develop a mental construct of the parent and eventually understand that the parent still exists and will eventually come back. Thus, fear of abandonment is usually found in children who had parents who weren't around much or were neglectful. The article I read while researching this used the children of a military members who are deployed a lot as their primary example. Fun. But it explains a lot. Anyway, knowing you have a fear of abandonment is the first step to changing behaviors. Especially if your fear is mild, this may be enough to overcome it but some people may need professional help. Regardless of how severe the fear of abandonment is, it's important to build a sense of belonging, not just in romantic relationships, but in your general community as well. For general mental wellness, it's important to build a support network of like-minded individuals (a "tribe," if you will) through working on your hobbies and passions, which will help you build confidence and security. And hopefully, you won't feel like you have to be "Supergirl" all the time.

"Supergirl" Video