"Perfect" by Alanis Morissette

Finally. The end of a rough week personally and an overall rough month writing-wise. Which meant I was racking my brain to find the perfect song for today. I was thinking about how to wrap up this month, and the biggest thing is that its incredibly important to heal the inner child. I didn't get a chance to tackle that much this month, but it has been important to my growth, just to understand why I do some of the crazy things I do. That's part of Cognitive Behavior Therapy - you have to understand why you keep doing a behavior in order to correct it and get to the place where you want to be. To go with this final archetype, The Child (just like every archetype has a shadow side, every archetype can be translated into a younger version of itself), I went back to my childhood and one of my biggest hangups - the need to be perfect. Thankfully, God herself ("Dogma" reference, in case you didn't catch that) already wrote the perfect song for that.

Alanis Morissette's "Jagged Little Pill" is one of the seminal albums of my childhood. There's a reason it's considered one of the best albums of all time - not only does it encapsulate the sound of a decade, the music within is so raw and honest that it speaks to everyone, regardless of gender. Alanis Morissette writes and sings like she's spilling her heart out through the music. Just FYI - her Moon is in Scorpio. I read on Twitter that artists that share your moon sign just hit you differently - I think, in this particular case, that is true. There are two songs on "Jagged Little Pill" that are painful for me to hear - the first is "Mary Jane," which is about teenaged depression, and the other is "Perfect," which speaks to generational trauma. Both would've been good to use today and the entire album is worth a listen if you have time.

I'll live through you

I'll make you what I never was

If you're the best, then maybe so am I

Compared to him compared to her

I'm doing this for your own damn good

You'll make up for what I blew

What's the problem, why are you crying

As I've said before, I feel very lucky to have what I've learned from my childhood. No, my childhood wasn't great - it was lonely, tumultuous, and I had to grow up way faster than anyone should have to. But, if things hadn't happened the way they did, I would never have known why my mom acted the way she did. I wouldn't have learned that this pattern didn't start with her and that she had her own pain to sort out. Or why my dad made the choices he did. That's something a lot of people never get - to understand at an early age that their parents are flawed humans. A lot of times, children have a habit of lionizing their parents, turning them into superheroes or martyrs or some combination thereof. But, when you accept the reality - that your parents have an identity and history completely independent of you - you start to see the patterns. Likewise, parents tend to treat their children like "mini-me's," as a reflection of themselves instead of seeing their child as a separate person who can and will make their own decisions when they're old enough to do so. If you think back clearly, you might notice things they harped on were probably things they were insecure about themselves. For example, if they weren't good in school, they may have pestered you about grades. Or if they were insecure about their appearance, they may have tried to control how you dressed or appeared in public. It is important to remember that their insecurities have nothing to do with you and do not have to become your insecurities.

I noticed troubling patterns when The Husband and I first started dating. I would get upset at little things and start fights, because that's the only way I felt he cared. I'd act really catty and jealous around other girls, when I had no reason to be. I'd use the silent treatment liberally, expecting him to know what was wrong and then getting unreasonably angry when he couldn't figure it out. I was just a generally unpleasant and bad girlfriend. Around my sophomore year, I started going to therapy at my school, which luckily offered free sessions to students (if you're in college and your school offers free mental health assistance, I highly recommend taking advantage of that. Yes, usually you'll be paired with a psychology/counseling grad student but if you need a psychiatrist, there's one or two of those floating around too). During those conversations, we sorted out potential root causes of my problematic behaviors and I learned more healthy coping methods than what I had grown up using (which, as I've said, included not eating when things felt overwhelming). As result, I became a better functioning adult. It didn't heal everything but it was a start. And that's the important thing - you have to be aware when you're slipping back into old, unhealthy patterns. The only way to do that is to continually do the work.

The Inner Child is foundational for shadow work, soul work, light work, magic work - whatever type of work you're trying to do. Not addressing a wounded inner child will act as a block for coming into balance with all the other archetypes. It sucks but there's no way around it, so consider the following:

• What things really trigger you when a loved one does it? When I say trigger, I mean actions that evoke a extremely strong, negative response, to the point where you feel it in your body. You either tense up, become really scared or really angry, you might have trouble breathing or feel light-headed - you'll know it when you feel it. Once you identify those things that make you have that negative reaction, ask yourself why. Hot tip: These are also some of your boundaries - make it known that these actions bother you. If someone truly cares about you, they'll make an effort to stop doing those things. Yes, after sufficient healing, they might not bother you as much but, until you get to that point, the people in your life should respect those boundaries.
• What things are you overly critical with yourself for? Do these things tend to "flaws" that your parents/caregivers were focused on the most?
• What are the things you enjoyed doing as a child? Are they things you avoid doing now?
• Do you find yourself engaging in the same patterns your parents did? Essentially, are you acting like your parents? If you are, is that something you want? If not, are you consciously trying to change your behavior?

Since it is so important, you should know that you can start healing your inner child today and it's super easy. 

1. Start talking to your inner child in a loving supportive way. I know this sounds like hippie dippie bullshit, but psychologists highly recommend it. You don't have to do it out loud - it can be as simple as writing a letter to your younger self. 
2. Do something you loved doing as a child. For example, I really love to play on the swings - in this case, I could go to a park and swinging for a half hour. Or restart collecting Barbies (that's a slippery slope, though - I already have too much stuff). Again, it doesn't have to be anything big. Small steps are okay. 
3. Look at pictures of yourself as a kid. You weren't always an adult - it's okay to remember that. 
4. Start being kind to yourself. Start talking to yourself as you would your inner child. Encourage your own interests, be patient with your process, be curious, and don't be ashamed to be yourself. It's normal for people to stumble and fail - you (hopefully) wouldn't lay into a kid for making mistakes, so don't do it to yourself.

“The most sophisticated people I know - inside they are all children.”  - Jim Henson

"Perfect" Video