"Snuff" by Slipknot

So, I caved and joined Reddit. Initially, it was to share any notable Randonauting experiences I had but I found myself quickly jumping into conversations in the witchcraft, tarot, and astrology subreddits. I've learned two things - 1. Maybe I actually know a little something about these topics and 2. Too many people want to use witchcraft/tarot/astrology for things that require either therapy, communication, or both. Yes, spirituality and New Age concepts can be powerful tools for cultivating self-awareness and enhancing one's quality of life but you still need to do the work - the "work" being analyzing your subconscious programming and patterns and using the knowledge to actively change your behavior for the better. I've also been hanging around the music and writing subreddits for inspiration. I've been working on a short story (eh...more of a novella) inspired by "Horror of Our Love," tentatively titled "The Beast of South Boston." Apparently, the genre I gravitate towards writing is Horror/Paranormal Romance, so I've been looking for music that inspires that kind of vibe. Naturally, I found my way into a lot of Heavy Metal, which is how I ended up revisiting the collected works of Slipknot. And for the record, I find that the singers of metal bands often have the most lovely singing voices. David Draiman, Trent Reznor, Jonathan Davis, Chester Bennington, Corey Taylor - all very talented vocalists and among some of my favorites.

Bury all your secrets in my skin

Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins

The air around me still feels like a cage

And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again

So if you love me let me go

And run away before I know

My heart is just too dark to care

I can't destroy what isn't there

Deliver me into my fate

If I'm alone I cannot hate

I don't deserve to have you

Ooh, my smile was taken long ago

If I can change I hope I never know

Let's talk about these lyrics a bit, because they are intense. That's another thing to love about metal - a lot of the lyrics are beautifully poetic and fraught with meaning, in a way you don't normally see in other genres. "Snuff" exposes the vulnerability of someone's darkest thoughts. The plot is straightforward. From what I gathered, it sounds like the singer fucked up a relationship with someone he really loved and now he's angry she walked away. The song starts with his inner thoughts, which are super negative. He doesn't deserve her, she needs to leave him before he destroys her, he has a dark heart, and he doesn't care (except he does care...a whole lot), blah, blah, blah. He ends up pushing her away - however that looks like in his patterning. Depending on what core wounds he's operating from, this could manifest as addictions, withdrawal, or abusive behaviors. And, contrary to what some societal beliefs about love say, people don't have to stick around for that bullshit. In fact, it's unhealthy if they do. That's not love, that's trauma bonding. People who don't love you can stay forever (often because the relationship fulfills some need) and people who love you a lot may leave (because they love themselves enough to know enabling your destructive patterns is not good for you or for them). It may be counterintuitive but sometimes the most loving thing a person can do is leave. Alternatively, the most destructive thing they can do is stay. Unfortunately, leaving can make someone see you as the "bad guy," which is what happens at the end of "Snuff." Instead of taking the loss of a loved one as a sign to examine his own destructive patterns, he becomes angry that she left to "save [herself]," just like everyone else in his life. Clearly, he's not doing the work.

I still press your letters to my lips

And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss

I couldn't face a life without your lights

But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight

So save your breath, I will not care

I think I made it very clear

You couldn't hate enough to love

Is that supposed to be enough?

I only wish you weren't my friend

Then I could hurt you in the end

I never claimed to be a saint

Ooh, my own was banished long ago

It took the death of hope to let you go

Based on what I could find regarding the meaning of the lyrics, Slipknot vocalist Corey Taylor wrote it about a relationship that ended because of his self-destructive habits (drug/alcohol addiction fueled by depression and suicidal ideation). At the time, he was disappointed because she didn't stay with him, but it ultimately motivated him to do better for himself. Taylor still struggled with addiction throughout his life but as of late, he's succeeded in staying sober. I came across a piece of Internet wisdom I really resonated with recently (the person might have said it came from their therapist but I can't remember). Fear of rejection is fueled by the underlying belief you don't deserve what you want and fear of abandonment is the belief that you don't deserve to keep it. These two underlying beliefs often lead to self-sabotage. If you don't believe yourself worthy and deserving of good things, your subconscious will motivate you to ruin positive situations in your life. Alternatively, you may hold on to toxic/destructive situations because they are confirming your subconscious beliefs that you deserve bad things in your life. Your behaviors fuel self-fulfilling prophesies. Unfortunately, most people are so ingrained with these beliefs due to societal conditioning and generational trauma that they can't get off the hamster wheel without help. That's not a bad thing. It's not a bad thing to want to be better, but you have to take tangible steps to change.

And I won't listen to your shame

You ran away, you're all the same

Angels lie to keep control

Ooh, my love was punished long ago

If you still care don't ever let me know

If you still care don't ever let me know

I had my first counseling session yesterday. I almost cancelled it because I was feeling better (more self-sabotage). Not much better but good enough to cope on my own. I think I was mainly nervous about sharing personal things with a stranger and I was developing unconscious stories (I don't have time, it's not worth the money, I'm coping fine on my own) to justify cancelling. However, talking to someone neutral about thoughts and feelings I've been holding onto for what feels like decades felt amazing. I like the therapist they paired me up with - she's nice and we're in the same stage of life, so she understands some of the pressures I'm under. After a lot of shadow work, I'm hyper-aware of my own self-destructive patterns and subconscious programming. However, the changes I need to make seem scary and overwhelming. I know in theory that I deserve a happy, fulfilling life - believing that I deserve it and advocating for my own happiness (because I'm unskilled at prioritizing myself) is another story. I really noticed yesterday how difficult it is for me to voice my anger, resentment, disappointment, and hurt. My counselor had to affirm several times that it's okay for me to admit someone's actions hurt me, because that's my reality. In many ways, I still find myself apologizing for just being human. For giving everything I have to others and still feeling like it isn't enough. It's weird and scary, to take my own advice for once. I'm wired to take care of other people - I like it, it makes me happy - but I don't expect others to take care of me. And my life reflects it. My own self-fulfilling prophesy.

"Snuff" gets it's name from the genre of film where real murders are filmed. Naturally, the music video was shot like a psychological thriller - with a twist ending. The band's percussionist, Shawn Crahan, co-directed the video and included a cameo by British film actor Malcolm McDowell. For dramatic purposes, the music cuts out during the third verse, which is a music video editing tactic that really annoys me, especially when the song is this good. Highly recommend looking for the uncut version of the song to enjoy it uninterrupted.

"Snuff" Video