Today, we have a Full Moon in Cancer. This is a special Full Moon because, not only is the Moon in her home sign, but this is also the first time in about two years when being the Full Moon in Cancer is not being eclipsed. Lunar eclipses are a debilitating transit for the moon, because her light is literally being blocked. As such, eclipses are often associated with times of emotional turmoil and the need to do inner work. Likewise, Cancer is the most closely linked with the idea of unconditional love. Cancer is the sign of mothers and a mother's love is supposed to be unconditional. Unfortunately, there are many of us (too many) who did not have that experience. This is why I'm in favor of people getting counseling before having a baby. Before even getting married, because the desire, or lack thereof, to have children is (or should be) a deal-breaker. Same for a lot of other incompatibility issues, like different core values or life goals. That's where unconditional self-love comes in. Without it, we learn to ignore our intuition (another Cancer theme) in these situations.
::WARNING:: I am about to get super ranty. The Full Moon is conjunct my natal Mercury Retrograde in Cancer and there's a fullness to my understanding of the lessons 2020 has taught me. Not an excuse, merely an explanation of how events may interact with your chart through observing my own transits. Largely a personal rant - I'm in the process of planning out a more fitting home for this type of content but until then, this is my void to scream into. Consider this Part 1 of my on-going postmortem for 2020. ::END::
I knew something had gone terribly wrong when I stopped praying. Completely stopped for two weeks. Which, it may surprise you, I have never done. My idea of God may have changed, I may have stopped feeling the need to go to church, but I've never lost my hope and faith. Suddenly, it was gone. That's how I knew this was the "abyss" they keep talking about, the one that stares back. And I knew I'd never been here before. I stopped eating - I was only eating about 200-400 calories a day and that was because I knew I was "supposed to" eat. I didn't even drink that much water. The will just wasn't there. I couldn't sleep and when I did, I had terrible nightmares. I was crying multiple times a day. But it was the loss of faith and feeling of disconnection that made me realize that it wasn't manageable. And moreover, that I was making it worse by holding on to behaviors and beliefs that were no longer serving me. When I needed help the most, I found myself almost incapable of asking for what I needed.
That I would be good, even if I did nothing
An influencer who I admire, Anna Akana, does videos that basically discuss the things she's learned on her personal journey. Often, she goes over the things she's taken out of therapy and I really appreciate when influencers do this because it normalizes going to therapy, even when you're not in crisis-mode. Anna did this video in which she confesses she realized she hates herself (or she did at the time of the video - seriously, watch it...it's so good). However, you wouldn't have thought that when looking at her, because she physically takes care of herself, is kind and supportive to her friends, and seems like she has everything together. But, if you could hear the thoughts in her head, she was subjecting herself cruel, hypercritical, abusive statements daily. Things like "that comment was so stupid, why do you even talk?" And, from my perspective on the opposite side of YouTube, I was like "oh god...it's me." I came to that same realization years ago and have been working on it, but as I settled into a major depressive episode, self-hate came back with a vengeance. I grew up in a household where, if one person wasn't happy, no one was happy. That translated into a belief that my happiness (and related feelings, needs, and desires) doesn't matter. Moreover, I needed to suppress my needs and wants in order to make others happy or I would be unsafe/abandoned/neglected. Yes, I have had the thought (on multiple occasions) that I'm just not one of those people who gets to be happy (i.e., I don't deserve to be happy). My friends, I cannot tell you how self-destructive that belief is. I'm going to say this loud because I know someone out there needs to hear it: Who you had to become to survive is not who you are. Read that again, then learn it, live it, love it.
When I first accepted I was in a dark place I needed to get out of, I picked up a Postpartum Depression Workbook. The exercises have been helpful and one of those was to create my own affirmations to say when I start having negative self-talk. Full disclosure: I'm not good at affirmations. I'm not good at remembering to say/write them in the morning and all the pre-written ones sound like fluffy bunny bullshit. But, I'm leaning in to getting better so I thought, "Fuck it, let's have some fun with this." And that is why one of my affirmations is "I have eyes that pierce men's souls and can summon the dark forces of the Underworld." It makes me smile and I fucking dare anyone to challenge me on it. I see recovery as a process of rebuilding my inner world the way I - and only I - believe it should be. The foundation of how I was living my life - the thoughts I was thinking, the beliefs I was clinging to, the behaviors I was justifying - I had to let it all crumble in order to start fresh, albeit with some of the salvageable materials remaining in the wreckage. This is why the Star (Faith and Hope) comes after the Tower but it doesn't always happen like that. Some people go back to the Devil (Self-destructive patterns and behaviors). Sometimes they have to do that a few times before they move forward. Maybe they'll keep repeating that cycle for the rest of their lives because they've become so inflexible, they can't see another way.
Some may argue that their negative self-talk pushes them to be better. Sorry, that's highly unlikely. Hypercritical beliefs often keep you locked in fear - fear of failing, fear of fucking up, fear of change, and ultimately, fear of trying. It puts a limit on what you can accomplish. One of my main insecurities was that I am a terrible writer with nothing worth saying, and it kept me in my head and not writing. Lately, however, I've been writing nonstop. And, unfortunately for you, dear reader, I don't really care if it's shit anymore. Barely a fraction of it gets to this blog. I've created a file called "Keep Your Crazy Here" (which would be an amazing title for an edgy self-help book/memoir) where I keep all my half-baked thoughts that aren't refined enough for general consumption or are awaiting purpose for other projects. And even if no one else reads those words in my lifetime, I can be content in knowing I've given them a home, rather than let them die forgotten. Self-hate was blocking my inner flow. You can't hear your intuition or realize your magic through the haze of self-hatred. This is why meditation, grounding/centering, journaling (via a Book of Shadows), and shadow work are considered vital when beginning the journey into witchcraft (or any type of spiritual practice). It's why Julia Cameron leans so heavily on them in "The Artist's Way." These are tools of self-love. The Great Work is crafting your ideal life and best self, but the process of alchemy is learning to love all the people you were/are while getting to that point.
One thing I've noticed when I started changing my self-talk from coming from a hypercritical place to one of self-love is that it became easier to stand up for myself. It became easier to recognize the people who sounded like the voice fueling my self-hate. At some point, you start calling people on their bullshit, their inconsistencies, their insecurities - and it's not from a mean place. It's not like you've bottled it up and built a sack of resentment to throw at them when it gets too heavy. Nope, you notice how you feel in the moment and you point out how their behavior makes you feel at the same time. You have the courage to say, "Do you realize how condescending and contemptuous you sound when you talk to me? Well, I do and it makes me feel small and stupid." Only it doesn't take courage anymore because you don't fear them abandoning you. Once you start speaking and acting in your own best interests, you learn to accept that one of two things will happen with the people in your life - 1) they will respect your growth, be happy that you're speaking from a place of honesty, and will try to grow with you; or 2) they will resent you and eventually leave because they can't get away with treating you badly anymore. In either case, you are better off. Even if you can't always be assertive like in my example, you can learn to mentally distance yourself from their negativity so it doesn't affect you as much.
Finally, let's talk about today's featured song, "That I Would Be Good." I heard it on - you guessed it - "Dawson's Creek." It's no secret I love Alanis Morissette and this song had a motherly vibe that I felt fit the energy of the Cancer Full Moon. This song was written as Morissette's popularity on the radio was beginning to decline, as the tide turned away from singer-songwriters in a more bubble gum pop direction. It addresses the insecurities and self-doubt she felt during this time. To me, the lyrics sounded like affirmations. Reassurances that she would be okay, no matter what happened. Even if people stopped listening to her music, if she lost all her money, if she gained weight, or if she was dumped by her significant other. It's about remembering you are worthy and enough, no matter what anyone else thinks. A simple song - it's essentially just a poem and the transition in her voice is what carries us over the bridge to the end of the song. It's a fairly brilliant use of vocals. Also, she plays her own flute at the end and chose to keep the electrical buzz that was created by accidentally playing the guitar too close to an amp. Isn't that something Bob Ross used to say? "We don't make mistakes - we just have happy accidents."
"That I Would Be Good" Video
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