"I Always Knew" by The Vaccines

I finally finished "New Girl." I have a feeling it's going to be one of my comfort shows, like "Parks & Rec." A comfort show or movie is something we keep going back to because it makes us feel better during hard times. It gives us a sense of optimism and hope. Or maybe it indulges a desire for nostalgia. Or maybe we just learn something about ourselves every time we watch it, because the lessons we gain from them change as we age. For example, every time she has a breakup in the show, Jess Day watches "Dirty Dancing." Now, I don't recall ever having seen "Dirty Dancing" (it's on the list), but presumably, she watches it to remind herself that True Love exists and it fulfills her desire for romance during a lonely time. "New Girl" has many things to love about it. It stars Zooey Deschanel, another woman who I both love to look at and would love to look like (and if I could have her singing voice, too, that'd be great). The dialogue is both hilarious and relatable. The characters are complex and evolve along with the story. The show is actually fairly music-oriented (that's Deschanel's influence as an EP) and, as a result, has been able to attract notable cameos, such as T-Swift and Prince (who is an avid fan of the show). And, it's possibly one of the most realistic interpretations of the Friends to Lovers trope I've ever seen, which happens to be my favorite romance trope. I apologize in advance - this post is going to get a little ranty.

Nick and Jess. Jess and Nick. They are the quintessential millennial sitcom couple. They complement each other remarkably well without being the exact same person, which is what makes them so believable. They're like PB&J or grilled cheese, if we're using sandwich similes. From the first episode, it was so obvious, but that's what made it fun. It was obvious to everyone but them. Then they finally got together and it was amazing. And then they broke up and it sucked, but they stayed friends. Of course, I read somewhere that if you're still friends with your exes, you're either still in love or you never were. Or you're a sociopath (which I think fits the latter category). However, in Jess and Nick's case, it was the former and they ended up together in the end. This song was featured at the end of the Season 2 finale, when Nick and Jess decide to try to have a relationship and they ride off into the sunset (to Mexico....it's a long story). We'll talk more about the song later but, for now, I'm going to walk through just a few of my favorite Nick & Jess moments from "New Girl." Key show clips are linked.

• The First Kiss:  During a game of True American (a confusing drinking game invented by the show creators), Nick and Jess are dared to kiss. When they are getting ready to lock lips, Nick stops Jess with a simple "Not like this," which we all know means he's pictured their first kiss before and he knows he wants it to be special. Later that night, he grabs Jess and pulls her into one of the hottest kisses I've ever seen on network television. That's not to say it isn't problematic - he didn't ask her consent and, at the time, she's in a committed relationship with Dr. Sam. But, as far as first kisses go, it's pretty sexy. But I like it when a guy takes charge like that so I'm biased.
• Love at First Sight: During their first relationship, Jess convinces Nick he should try to be friends with his ex, Caroline. However, as soon as she finds out he's dating Jess, Caroline goes psycho-bitch because she assumes he was cheating with Jess when they were going out. Jess explains the timeline of their relationship to show that this isn't true and Caroline calms down. But later, Nick apologizes to Caroline because Jess was the reason he broke up with her because he fell in love with Jess the moment he met her. Majorly romantic moment.
• Saying I Love You: Nick tells Jess that he loves her as she drives away to attend a party at Prince's house. Instead of saying it back, Jess gives him finger guns. Throughout the episode, Jess spends a lot of time talking to Prince to figure out why she did that, because she loves Nick, too.
• Julius Pepperwood and Jessica Night:  As all writers do, the characters in Nick's novel are based on the people in his life, the most important of which is Jess. When his editor suggests killing off Jessica Night in the next Pepperwood novel for dramatic effect, Nick puts his foot down. In his defense of his fictional character, he declares that "Jessica Night is the whole reason Pepperwood gets out of bed everyday," a statement which also reflects how he feels about Jess. It's also important to note that, instead of dedicating his first book to Reagan (his girlfriend) - who encouraged him to join her in New Orleans, which inspired him so much - the dedication is to Jess.
• Jess Truly Sees Nick: During Schmidt's wedding, Nick is anxious about starting a relationship with Reagan (Megan Fox) because he doesn't think he's in her league. In his own words, he calls himself the guy girls date to learn they can do so much better. When he says this, Jess gets pissed off, because she's tired of him getting down on himself because the Nick she sees is amazing.
• Nick's Biggest Fan: Reagan arranges for Nick to do a reading of "The Pepperwood Chronicles" but he has a panic attack. Reagan, who is Nick's girlfriend at the time, asks Jess for advice on how to help Nick through it because she's not good at comforting people. Jess tells Reagan what she would say, which is this long, lovely diatribe of how he's talented and special. Reagan tries to replicate Jess's touching words but it's clear that she doesn't come close. 

There are like a zillion more I'd like to point out but I've already wasted enough of your time. Long story short - "New Girl" is a great show and it's a quick watch, despite spanning 7 seasons.

Now, let's talk about the song. I love the styling of post-punk surf rock. There's something vintage about the sound that gives it a timelessness regardless of when it was initially released. This song reminds me of my favorite track on the "Velvet Goldmine" soundtrack, mostly due to the British lilt in the singer's voice. In stereotypical surf rock fashion, "I Always Knew" opens with that plucky guitar reverb and then goes in with a strong drum line. I combed the song meaning forums for an adequate lyrics interpretation. Some people think it's about a guy who is head over heels for a girl he just met or it's about a guy who is realizing he's in love with a friend but is afraid to take the next step. I proffer that it's a "When Harry Met Sally" situation - two people have been friends for ages. Then something happens to escalate the situation into more and they can't go back. And the singer is dizzy and confused about how he's feeling but - in the back of his mind - he "always knew" there was something there. Although it's an extremely metaphorical visual interpretation, the video seems to confirm my theory.

I try my best to unwind

Nothing on my mind but you

Oblivious to all that I'll owe

I'm hanging on

To what I don't know

So let's go to bed

Before you say something real

Let's go to bed

Before you say how you feel

COVID Update:  My first week back at work was both exhilarating and exhausting. It was exciting because I love the work I do and it was wonderful being around people again. But returning to work also means finding myself embroiled in a lot of the drama that I enjoyed being away from during maternity leave. I do a lot of emotional labor for my coworkers. Probably too much. I walk into work and instantly, everyone wants to talk to me. Most days it feels good because it reminds me I'm needed. On those rare days, though, it feels like keeping to myself and just focusing on the task in front of me (instead being distracted by the questions and needs of everyone else) is a luxury I can't afford. To add to this overwhelming sense of obligation, I feel like I forgot a lot of simple work things during maternity leave. I find myself saying "And how do I do that again?" Or "Yeah, so who should I talk to about that?" It's good for me, though. I'm practicing asking for help, which I am terrible at. In many ways, it's like learning to walk, because being vulnerable with people (asking for help is "weak") is not usually easy for me.

It's also hard to be away from my babies. It wasn't as hard going back to work this time (hardly any tears) because they're being taken care of by their dad, but I can't help feeling guilty. I made a choice to come back to work a bit early and I don't regret that choice, but at the same time, it feels selfish (even if it's not). I'm finally really starting to feel bonded to the baby, which is a relief. That was the scariest part of PPD - I usually have so much love for everyone, especially my children, and I suddenly felt nothing. It's better now and keeps getting better. I occasionally catch myself using distancing language so I'm trying to be cognizant of that. Using his name instead of calling him "the baby," making sure to include the "I" in "I love you," referring to myself as "mama/mommy," and making sure I'm talking directly to him (rather than just talking about him). These seem like tiny, trivial things but they matter. They're essential for a child to grow up feeling seen, heard, and understood. It's something I didn't get much of from my mother. Part of overcoming childhood trauma is trying to do better for my kids - trying to rewrite the story. I deserved better but I didn't get it and that sucks. But I don't have to repeat the cycle with the next generation. In fact, it's my duty as a mom to not do that.

"I Always Knew" Video

"Across the Universe" by The Beatles

After the emotional/physical/mental/spiritual roller coaster that was the last 4-6 months, my body finally gave out on me. I have a tendency to do this to myself - I will work myself to death for weeks or months on a project - sleeping little, eating less - and once I've achieved what I needed to do, I get really sick for like a day and a half. I used to spend 12 hours a day at school when I was a teenager - starting with 0 period and ending with either choir or theatre practice (sometimes both). Now, I realize I was spending so much time at school as a way to escape a less than ideal home life, but back then, I just thought I was dedicated to my craft. And without fail, after the big performance was over, I'd collapse and I'd find myself alone with my thoughts. Again. This time, while I was delicately calculating exactly how much acetaminophen I could ingest before my liver failed, I had an epiphany. I need to let go of any semblance of control I have and just ride this out. Faith is believing in something without proof it exists. You can't have faith if you're trying to control the outcome. I know logically I'm not going to die of this cold but do I really believe that? It's really scary to know you don't have any control over some things, like how quickly your body recovers from the latest disease your toddler brought home. But it's also kind of freeing at the same time.

As Zen as all these musings are, in my NyQuil induced haze, I still wished for a small dose of comfort. I wanted someone to hug me or stroke my hair. You know...."mom" stuff. The Husband isn't good at that sort of thing. On the rare occasion I'm desperate enough to ask, he always complains and then he doesn't do it right, even when I give him specific instructions. I forget sometimes that this - nurturing, reaching out and caring for someone when they aren't feeling their best - is a skill. And it's a skill that I find most people struggle with. I feel like I've been a "mom" since I was 8 years old, so maybe I just learned it earlier than most people. And don't get me wrong, I like being able to make people feel a little better, but I struggle with being resentful when they can't do the same for me. I came to the realization a couple of weeks ago that I give far more than I get back. And I sat back and asked myself how that makes me feel. Do I feel used? Do I feel resentful? Do I feel like holding back as punishment? After some thought, I decided that I don't feel any of that because that's just who I am. I give everything and it would be silly to expect the same in return because some people just don't have the same capacity as I do.

But still, in my low moments, I want something comforting. So I look to myself - and usually I find that something comforting in music. Especially in "Across the Universe." The Beatles wrote "Across the Universe" after the initial madness of the British Invasion, when they found the materialism and hedonism too overwhelming. During this time, John Lennon got really into Transcendental Meditation and Eastern philosophy. Transcendental Meditation usually involves sitting and repeating a mantra in your head for about 15-20 minutes. John put one of his mantras into the song as part of the chorus. "Jai guru deva om" which, literally translated, means "Glory to the shining remover of the darkness." Even more roughly translated, you could interpret it to mean "Glory to God" or something similar. But in many of these traditions that emphasize meditation, God is nothing more than the energy that holds the universe together, which is how I have come to understand it. I try to let that idea permeate my life. When I feel angry or disappointed with someone, I remind myself that we're all connected and I let that feeling go. Sometimes I hold on for a little bit, maybe longer than I should, but ultimately, I release it because it doesn't serve me.

Sounds of laughter, shades of earth are ringing

Through my open ears inciting and inviting me.

Limitless, undying love, which shines around me like a million suns,

And calls me on and on across the universe.

If you've tried meditating, the point is not to keep your mind completely empty, but to acknowledge the thoughts and let them pass as you focus on a singular point. Like a mantra or your breathing. John Lennon is essentially narrating his experience as he meditates. Thoughts drift in and out of his mind. Feelings bubble up and then simmer down. Light and darkness come and flow away into nothingness. But he's there, in that moment, and nothing is going to change his world.

"Across the Universe" Video