After the emotional/physical/mental/spiritual roller coaster that was the last 4-6 months, my body finally gave out on me. I have a tendency to do this to myself - I will work myself to death for weeks or months on a project - sleeping little, eating less - and once I've achieved what I needed to do, I get really sick for like a day and a half. I used to spend 12 hours a day at school when I was a teenager - starting with 0 period and ending with either choir or theatre practice (sometimes both). Now, I realize I was spending so much time at school as a way to escape a less than ideal home life, but back then, I just thought I was dedicated to my craft. And without fail, after the big performance was over, I'd collapse and I'd find myself alone with my thoughts. Again. This time, while I was delicately calculating exactly how much acetaminophen I could ingest before my liver failed, I had an epiphany. I need to let go of any semblance of control I have and just ride this out. Faith is believing in something without proof it exists. You can't have faith if you're trying to control the outcome. I know logically I'm not going to die of this cold but do I really believe that? It's really scary to know you don't have any control over some things, like how quickly your body recovers from the latest disease your toddler brought home. But it's also kind of freeing at the same time.
As Zen as all these musings are, in my NyQuil induced haze, I still wished for a small dose of comfort. I wanted someone to hug me or stroke my hair. You know...."mom" stuff. The Husband isn't good at that sort of thing. On the rare occasion I'm desperate enough to ask, he always complains and then he doesn't do it right, even when I give him specific instructions. I forget sometimes that this - nurturing, reaching out and caring for someone when they aren't feeling their best - is a skill. And it's a skill that I find most people struggle with. I feel like I've been a "mom" since I was 8 years old, so maybe I just learned it earlier than most people. And don't get me wrong, I like being able to make people feel a little better, but I struggle with being resentful when they can't do the same for me. I came to the realization a couple of weeks ago that I give far more than I get back. And I sat back and asked myself how that makes me feel. Do I feel used? Do I feel resentful? Do I feel like holding back as punishment? After some thought, I decided that I don't feel any of that because that's just who I am. I give everything and it would be silly to expect the same in return because some people just don't have the same capacity as I do.
But still, in my low moments, I want something comforting. So I look to myself - and usually I find that something comforting in music. Especially in "Across the Universe." The Beatles wrote "Across the Universe" after the initial madness of the British Invasion, when they found the materialism and hedonism too overwhelming. During this time, John Lennon got really into Transcendental Meditation and Eastern philosophy. Transcendental Meditation usually involves sitting and repeating a mantra in your head for about 15-20 minutes. John put one of his mantras into the song as part of the chorus. "Jai guru deva om" which, literally translated, means "Glory to the shining remover of the darkness." Even more roughly translated, you could interpret it to mean "Glory to God" or something similar. But in many of these traditions that emphasize meditation, God is nothing more than the energy that holds the universe together, which is how I have come to understand it. I try to let that idea permeate my life. When I feel angry or disappointed with someone, I remind myself that we're all connected and I let that feeling go. Sometimes I hold on for a little bit, maybe longer than I should, but ultimately, I release it because it doesn't serve me.
If you've tried meditating, the point is not to keep your mind completely empty, but to acknowledge the thoughts and let them pass as you focus on a singular point. Like a mantra or your breathing. John Lennon is essentially narrating his experience as he meditates. Thoughts drift in and out of his mind. Feelings bubble up and then simmer down. Light and darkness come and flow away into nothingness. But he's there, in that moment, and nothing is going to change his world.
But still, in my low moments, I want something comforting. So I look to myself - and usually I find that something comforting in music. Especially in "Across the Universe." The Beatles wrote "Across the Universe" after the initial madness of the British Invasion, when they found the materialism and hedonism too overwhelming. During this time, John Lennon got really into Transcendental Meditation and Eastern philosophy. Transcendental Meditation usually involves sitting and repeating a mantra in your head for about 15-20 minutes. John put one of his mantras into the song as part of the chorus. "Jai guru deva om" which, literally translated, means "Glory to the shining remover of the darkness." Even more roughly translated, you could interpret it to mean "Glory to God" or something similar. But in many of these traditions that emphasize meditation, God is nothing more than the energy that holds the universe together, which is how I have come to understand it. I try to let that idea permeate my life. When I feel angry or disappointed with someone, I remind myself that we're all connected and I let that feeling go. Sometimes I hold on for a little bit, maybe longer than I should, but ultimately, I release it because it doesn't serve me.
Sounds of laughter, shades of earth are ringing
Through my open ears inciting and inviting me.
Limitless, undying love, which shines around me like a million suns,
And calls me on and on across the universe.
If you've tried meditating, the point is not to keep your mind completely empty, but to acknowledge the thoughts and let them pass as you focus on a singular point. Like a mantra or your breathing. John Lennon is essentially narrating his experience as he meditates. Thoughts drift in and out of his mind. Feelings bubble up and then simmer down. Light and darkness come and flow away into nothingness. But he's there, in that moment, and nothing is going to change his world.
"Across the Universe" Video
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