Out with the Old, In with the New ("Anti-Hero" by Taylor Swift)

 For the transition from 2022 to 2023, I've chosen the first single from the "Midnights" album. In my opinion, "Anti-Hero" - much like "Blank Space" from the "1989" album - demonstrates a level of self-awareness that is nearly unheard of in a celebrity of Swift's caliber (or even in normal people....let's face it, we're all stuck in the Matrix). I would expect nothing less of a Scorpio Rising. Taylor Swift is aware of how she is perceived - that any act of kindness she does is performative and she's really just a money-hungry bitch. It's easy to worry about that kind of reputation because she seems like the type of person who would be afraid that - on some level - it's true. I can relate - like Taylor, my Sun is in the 2nd House (House of Financial Assets and Values) and I derive a lot of my self-worth from my income and ability to provide for my family. Some people think this comes off as "money-oriented" and maybe even greedy. However, in my mind, Money is equal to Freedom. Money may not buy happiness, but having financial sovereignty does allow you the freedom to live a life that makes you happy. It also buys Time, which becomes more precious as I grow older. One of the benefits of the company I work at is that they give us half of the federal holidays at the end of the year. So instead of being off for Columbus Day (which is a shit holiday anyway), I've had this entire week between Christmas and New Year's Day to spend with my children. And the great thing is I don't even miss those shitty holidays because a 9/80 work week is standard here, so I usually have two Fridays off a month anyway. I don't need them and yet I still feel like I have a better grasp on work/life balance than during the first 10 years of my career, when I had less responsibilities. And it's one of the reasons why I don't intend to leave this company any time soon - that extra time (that I don't have to use my own PTO for) is worth it.

I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser

Midnights become my afternoons

When my depression works the graveyard shift

All of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room

I love the chorus (I think everyone does, because that's what's used in all the TikToks and IG reels). It's me. Hi. I'm the problem, it's me. It's meant to be kind of sarcastic but it's also an uncomfortable truth we have to face sometimes. If you keep dating the same type of dirtbag or end up in the same toxic situations, eventually you realize that you're making choices based off flawed subconscious beliefs. This is kind of the point of therapy - it forces you to look at your blind spots that result in the choices you make. It's why people don't like therapy. Because if you admit there's something you are doing that is causing your own pain, then you also have to take responsibility for making the change. You can only change once you're self-aware - when you can accurately see yourself in your entirety, not just the parts you want to see. I'm not saying you won't discover good things - a lot of what my therapist did was reflecting back and validating my good traits that I would disregard. You've got to take accountability for all of it, the good and the bad. "Anti-Hero" is primarily about taking accountability for the bad. And when you focus on that, yeah, you kind of start to think, "My God! Why do these people like me? What the fuck is wrong with them?!" Hold on, Batman, let's stare directly into the mirror a little longer. You'll see it, too. Eventually.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
At tea time, everybody agrees
I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

I guess the main point of this post is that I'm trying to go into 2023 a little more self-aware. That's the goal - to always be a better version of myself. Part of that is recognizing my shadow and integrating it more fully. Admit where I've made mistakes and where I'm still in the learning process, but also recognizing where I've grown. And I've grown a lot this year. As a mother, as a cybersecurity analyst, as a writer, and as a person. I guess this is the point where I go into the "Greatest Hits of 2022," of which, there are many. I started out this year moving to a state I love (Arizona) - it still takes my breath away when the glow of the sunset hits the Catalina Foothills. I reconnected with my best friend from high school, which was wonderful. I went to see My Chemical Romance after two long years of waiting - definitely a bucket list item, especially since we all thought they were disbanded for good. I started this year barely being able to do a Chopper (Invert) on pole and now I'm doing moves that are way more advanced than anything I was doing in 2021.

I read 30 books this year, which is way more than the goal of 12 I set for 2022. Here are a few of my favorites: 

NOTE:  I know 30 books seems like a lot but I know people who have read 100+ books this year. In some cases, reviewing books is their job and, in most cases, they don't have children. Trying not to judge myself by this standard because, honestly, I'm pleasantly surprised and grateful I had time to read anything this year.

1. "The Beautiful Ones" by Silvia Moreno-Garcia
2. "Where the Crawdads Sing" by Delia Owens
3. "The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue" by V.E. Schwab
4. "Kindred" by Octavia Butler
5. Basically anything by Ali Hazelwood

As Spotify will tell you, I listen to a lot of music. However, their Unwrapped playlist for me is frontloaded with the songs I have in my warm-up playlist (good beats and shorter songs), which is always going to get a lot of airplay. Here is a short list of the songs I was actually the most obsessed with this year:

• "Desire" by Meg Myers
• "Lower" by TENDER
• "Tear You Apart" by She Wants Revenge
• "Fire for You" by Cannons
• "Kiss Me More" by Doja Cat, feat. SZA
• "Girls Your Age" by Transviolet
• "Running Up That Hill (A Deal with God)" by Lo Spirit
• "Big Energy" by Latto
• "She" by Harry Styles

And, to start off the year, my current can't get enough of song right now is "Die for You" by The Weekend.

Overall, I'm starting off 2023 much happier than I was at the beginning of 2022, but there's a lot I'd still like to change. For one, reconnecting with my bestie from high school reminded me how much I miss having a close friend. Preferably one that doesn't roll their eyes when I start talking about ghosts and astrology. And, although she's not biologically a mother, she took care of her niece and nephew for the better part of the pandemic so she understands how difficult it is raising kids AND trying to heal from her own lackluster childhood, i.e., where I find myself today. It was nice talking to someone who could relate to my experiences, because I'm finding that a lot of my peers are either too young for kids (Gen Z types) or are childless by choice (which includes my sisters). In addition to that, I find myself missing someone who is no longer in my life anymore in any meaningful way. I'm having a hard time letting things just be how they are. I feel lonely way more than I wish I did, though it gets better when I go to pole class. At least people know me there and I have classmates/instructors that I regularly see and who notice when I'm gone. I'm hoping my network and my friendships will expand in the new year but until then, I'm learning how to be okay alone.

Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby

And I'm a monster on the hill

Too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite city

Pierced through the heart, but never killed

Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism

Like some kind of congressman? (Tale as old as time)

I wake up screaming from dreaming

One day I'll watch as you're leaving

And life will lose all its meaning

(For the last time)

After listening to several astrology podcasts and predictions for 2023, I've decided that the theme for 2023 is Aligning to the Vision. For me, this means focusing a lot more on writing, specifically on finishing projects and improving on them. A little less ranting about T-Swift, a little more poetry and prose. I'm also dead set on getting to Level 3 at my pole studio. For context, most people quit pole before they even graduate Level 1. Level 2 is when you start focusing more on strength moves and it's gets really hard if you're not naturally strong....and it's considerably more dangerous, because you start flipping upside down and doing more stuff aerially (i.e., higher up on the pole). Given how much progress I've made so far, I think reaching Level 3 before my next birthday is a real possibility. 

Let's roll up this post (and this year) with the "Anti-Hero" video. T-Swift is haunted by the worst version of herself, as well as her mistakes and insecurities. But she's actively trying to make peace with them. She gets to attend her funeral and watch her children fight over her fortune (perhaps implying that she fully intends to make little Swifties once she and Joe Alwyn get married). Just like all her other videos, it's iconic and visionary, in a way only Taylor Swift could create.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
It's me, hi, everybody agrees, everybody agrees

Happy New Year! Welcome to 2023.

"Anti-Hero" Video