"Torn" by Edna Swap

Fun fact: The Natalia Imbruglia version of "Torn," (i.e., the most famous version) is a cover. I bet you haven't even heard the original, which is why I decided to feature it today. I tracked it down just to do a little musical education for myself, because I was going to use the Natalie version until I did my research. Turns out I really like the first pressing. Don't get me wrong - I love the Natalia Imbruglia version. I heard it on the radio a couple weeks ago, when I was riding around with my parents, and I think that was the first time I had really actually listened and understood the words. But Edna Swap's original, while a bit rougher around the edges, hits a little harder for me. Brings the meaning home, in a sense.

I have a tendency to idealize things. Especially people. Guess I was always looking for a savior - and I found several. Not just people, but situations, hopes, dreams. All with tons of potential. But they never measured up. Things eventually became imperfect, somehow, and that's what always broke my heart. That's what the song is about. Falling in love with the potential and then being disappointed with the reality. Afterwards, you just feel drained and empty. And oh so vulnerable. That's the worst part. Like you wasted your time, your love, your effort. Where do you go after that? Well, inwards obviously. To figure out what you needed saving from, for starters. An already disappointing life? What was so disappointing about it? A lot of people run towards fantasies to avoid the actual problems in their life. It's normal. American culture even encourages it a bit. But it's not healthy. And it won't make you happy.

This takes us back to The Lover archetype and its shadows. Both shadows (The Addicted Lover and The Impotent Lover) have a problem with idealizing others, which ultimately is a way to allocate personal responsibility from themselves and push it onto others. It manifests in the Addicted Lover as moving from person to person, passion to passion, searching for something that they can't seem to find. He'll stay engrossed until something breaks the illusion, then he'll drop it for something else, hoping it fills the void. On the flip side, the Impotent Lover may have found that ideal, that something he was looking for, and yet, feels powerless to pursue it. With perfection just out of his reach, disappointment shades everything else, making life seem dull. For a person who has not maximized The Lover's potential, they may shift between these two different poles. We sort of see what that looks like in the lyrics of "Torn." The man she met seemed perfect and wonderful. Then something happened and when she saw the reality of the situation - that who she wanted him to be is not who he was - she felt like a fool to allow herself to become so vulnerable. And she's surrendered to the inevitable. The fantasy has dissolved and she has to let it go because you can't go back to how things were before.

So I guess the fortune teller's right

I should have seen just what was there

And not some holy light

But you crawled beneath my veins and now

I don't care, I have no luck

I don't miss it all that much

There's just so many things

That I can't touch, I'm torn

So how do we deal with this aspect of the shadow? Well, as we've learned already, The Lover energy is all about staying present. Enjoying the sensations you're feeling but staying grounded in reality. To do that, you have to slow down and talk to yourself, especially when you feel like you're being carried away by a strong emotion. In the moment, ask yourself these questions:

• When you find yourself thinking everything is perfect: Am I idealizing this person or situation? If so, what am I idealizing and why? Assess before taking any next steps. 
• When you find yourself disappointed: What were my expectations? Were my expectations abnormally high? If not, did you communicate what your expectations were?
• When you're idealizing a person: Can you find anything you don't like? Are they flaws you can live with? In the first few months of a relationship, people tend to ignore red flags that would've indicated that it wasn't going to work out. Anger and trust issues. Different core values. Incompatible life goals. The things you find yourself shrugging off and tolerating in the beginning are usually the reasons why the relationship ends. 
• When you're idealizing a situation: What is actually happening here? How does the situation look from an outside perspective? Find a friend who is willing to be honest and take note of how you react to what they say. If you find yourself getting defensive, that's a big indicator that you're trying to protect your fantasy and you need to step back.

The above advice may seem kind of cynical, especially when it comes to relationships. But, as someone who has jumped into many situations without taking my own advice (or the advice of others), slowing down does make a difference. I had a friend tell me once that I was always running when she saw me. I've always felt this urgency. Everything has to happen now, or else it won't happen. The fear of missing out. Word to the wise - missing out on something not the worst thing that could happen. Because what happens when that thing or person you're running towards turns out not to be worth it? Well, it turns into just another lesson on your journey and, hopefully, you're better for the experience.

“Why, if it was an illusion, not praise the catastrophe, whatever it was, that destroyed illusion and put truth in it's place?” - Virginia Woolf

"Torn" Video

"Rivers and Roads" by The Head and the Heart

This is a continuation of my Scorpio rant from the other day, because I forgot some stuff that I wanted to include. As I said, Scorpio's ruler is Pluto, the Roman God of Death. In the tarot deck, all the Major Arcana have astrological correspondences. The Death card corresponds with Scorpio and, just like the sign, it is often misunderstood. Everything comes in cycles. The days, the seasons, the years. Life in general. To be trite and quote Semisonic, "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." This is what the Death card symbolizes. We have to release something to be reborn. It's about transformation. The last full moon was an opportunity to release what is no longer serving you, letting go of what isn't meant for you, in order to fully embrace what's ahead. It's important to remember you're always changing - who you are right now is different from who you were a year ago, a week ago, even a minute ago. In order to move forward, sometimes you have to forgive and forget the past. You have to be willing to let go of who you were, to become who you're meant to be. We remain unfinished until the very end. Only then does the pattern fully appear.

Since we're already talking about moon magic, we're now in a waning cycle up until the next new moon, which is the best time to do shadow work. It's about uncovering the darkness and disappointments, the regrets and fear, and then letting them go in order to move onto the next stage. I picked "Rivers and Roads," because the song is ultimately about accepting and embracing change, even if it hurts a bit. Going back to our archetypes, we'll begin with my old standby, The Hero's Journey, with some tarot knowledge thrown in. Remember, the Hero is always thrown into his journey unsuspecting and - sometimes - unwilling to go forward. Until something gives him just a little push (because everybody needs that little push). He begins as the Fool, starting with a leap of faith into a new beginning. I won't go through all the Major Arcana, but the Hero goes through a few stages that can roughly be translated into the symbolism found in the tarot. He has to confront his own rigid ideas or make a choice to commit to something (The Hierophant); he will have to make choices - and the right choice will always be to follow what his heart (or intuition) is telling him; and eventually, he'll reach a point where he just has to stop and reassess (The Hermit). The Death card is right in the middle of Major Arcana, immediately preceded by The Hanged Man. The Hanged Man symbolizes a need to see something from a different point of view and often, this is what spurs the rebirth of the Hero. It is all leading up to the first major conflict, which always seems like a defeat (The Tower). But usually, that's just a "come to Jesus" moment, which is why The Star follows - trusting in Faith, Hope, and your own inner guidance. This is what will fortify him for the final battle and his ultimate triumph (Judgement). And finally, he can return home and rest until his next adventure begins (The World).

Nothing is as it has been

And I miss your face like Hell

And I guess it's just as well

But I miss your face like Hell

For today, let's talk about how we embrace change. It has a lot to do about how we handle past disappointments and regrets. Do we dwell on them? Do we consciously incorporate the lessons we learn as we go forward? Or do we let them color how we approach life?

• Think about your biggest regret. Why do is it a regret? Is it something you didn't do that you wanted to? Was it a mistake you wish you could take back? Whatever it is, only think about it for a moment....and then forgive yourself. Something that came to me while watching "Avenger's Endgame" was that we can't truly correct mistakes. Sometimes, we can try to put things back the way they were. But they still happened and thus, everything is changed anyway. Dwelling on the past won't un-do it. It just keeps us from enjoying the present.
• How do you approach your day? Negatively? Positively? Neutral? As an experiment, set an intention for a couple of days that you're going to enjoy your day, regardless of what happens. Record how you feel after the experiment is over. Our expectations color how we experience our life - so if you think it's going to be the same shit everyday, that's how it will be.
• Are you actively cultivating change within your own life? Such as trying new things, meeting new people, getting out of your comfort zone for a moment or two. Growth happens during the uncomfortable times - when life just keeps throwing you curve balls. If things have gotten a bit mundane, maybe it's time to force a small change, just to get the ball rolling.

While writing this, I've been contemplating the meaning of this song. It's about how time and distance doesn't always dull the pain associated with losing touch with the people we love in our lives. Some wounds just don't heal. You just get used to living with the dull ache. An example would be like our childhood friends whom we were once so close to have become strangers as life has taken us down different paths. I'm one of those people who wonders how people are doing, even if we haven't talked for years. Even decades. Growing up a military brat, goodbyes were something I feel like I got way too good at. I feel envious of people who can say they're still close with their childhood best friend. I've had many "best friends" over the years, but none of them were permanent, none of them were forever. Forever isn't a real thing, though. Permanence is an illusion, I've learned, so I've grown to accept that things change, relationships change, in spite of what we want. But I still think of them all fondly and hope their lives are going well.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” - Paulo Coelho

"Rivers and Roads" Video