"Survival" by Muse

Given the current state of affairs, I was planning to pick something upbeat and cheeky, like "It's the End of the World" by R.E.M. However, this song came on while my family and I were taking a short drive to get out of the house and it seemed eerily fitting, title and all. I haven't been writing on here much. I've been a bit preoccupied lately by my personal life and then my entire family contracted the flu. I was the last victim and it's had me asleep for most of the time since Friday. And yes, I had the flu vaccine - it seems they missed a strain. But even then, this year has not at all gone how I'd been hoping. Sure - I read all the astrological forecasts, I knew there were fairly shitty alignments and events ahead of us, but I thought, "Surely, I can still make a plan." Well, if you've been paying attention, I'm pretty sure most people's plans have been going to shit. The stubborn ones have been forcing their plans to stay in tact, despite circumstances (and there will be consequences, but they aren't the types that are concerned with those). But those of us who have our eyes open have begrudgingly adapted. I've been browsing twitter enough to know everyone is on their soapbox lately so I'll just say this - act with dignity and consideration for others and you won't fuck up. This will end sooner than you think....unfortunately, the rest of 2020 is still pretty shitty.

"Survival" is about just that -  survival. But not the kind of survival most people think of. It's the negative, often self-destructive and socially isolating, coping methods we adapted to survive childhood. I often find myself walking around, struck by how obvious it is that I'm interacting with another's Inner Child. I will watch politicians on screen and read tweets by perfect strangers, and recognize how many people strike out and speak from such a vulnerable place. And most of the time, it just makes me sad. I was watching a psychology video about how to recognize when you're dealing with someone emotionally immature and one of the signs is that they don't remember much of their childhood. The reason for that is that they haven't processed it. I find it weird because I remember nearly all of mine - a lot of bad stuff, yes, but a few happier moments. And, yes, I'm still dealing with understanding a lot of it and I make revelations often (sometimes daily if I'm really thinking on things), but at least I have the knowledge of how it shapes me and my reactions. So that I can be in control of who I am and how I behave. This knowledge is absolutely paramount in order to get out of the "survival" stage. What I'm realizing now is that most people - even those we consider extremely successful - are still in survival mode. They believe how they behave in this autopilot stage is "who they are," but it's not. In psychology, "survival mode" is a state of being consumed with worry about what we believe is threatening our stability in life. For some, it's the fear that we won't ever have enough money or financial security. Or that if we lose our outward attractiveness, we'll lose our value to current/potential partners and ultimately, society. Or if we lose our health or youthfulness, we'll lose the purpose for our lives (see Chris Treager in "Parks & Rec). Or it's a desperate need for validation that we're the most interesting or intelligent person ever, to consume all the attention in the room. For some, it can be a nightmarish amalgamation of all these things and more - a nightmare you can only escape through some sort of therapeutic practice. Not everyone needs talk therapy (although it does help if you're in crisis mode) but some sort of structured, introspective practice that helps you face these underlying demons in a nonthreatening way. Before you get triggered and start fighting over toilet paper in the supermarket.

You won’t pull ahead

I’ll keep up the pace

And I’ll reveal my strength

To the whole human race

Yes I am prepared

To stay alive

And I won’t forgive,

Vengeance is mine

And I won’t give in

Because I choose to thrive

So that's what I've been grappling with in my mind for the past few days. In general, the way that my fellow Americans have been acting in the past couple weeks has annoyed and frustrated me. Trying to absorb it through a compassionate lens, which was admittedly cloudy while my immune system was in the tank while it took several hours to fill a fairly routine prescription. Although I don't feel frightened right now, I can understand how this moment in time can be scary for some people. I'm also keenly aware that some people out there kind of enjoy being scared and, alternatively, enjoy creating fear for others. But over the past 15 or so years, I've watched as we gleefully implemented all the worst parts of the dystopian novels I enjoyed reading as a teenager. I'm not surprised by anything happening today - it's been coming for a long time. Which is why it's especially important to keep our eyes wide open and our heads level right now. Because the only ones who benefit from others being in survival mode are predators.

"Survival" Video