"You're So Vain" by Carly Simon

This song came up in a conversation I recently had with my husband. I had my hair tied up with a claw clip after a long day of work. He said it looked nice and asked if I had intentionally left out the strands of hair around my face. The answer, of course, was yes (because otherwise, it looks too severe). He told me, "You're so vain!" To which I replied, "You probably think this song is about you..." Because we communicate in song lyrics and movie/TV quotes. We're better at song lyrics, not as successful with movie/TV quotes because we don't have a lot of overlap in our preferences. This week, the collective slipped into Leo season after an eventful transit through Cancer. Leos get a somewhat undeserved reputation for being self-involved, vain, and maybe even a little narcissistic. A holistic psychologist/astrologer whom I admire, Jason Holley, actually reads Leo energy as potentially narcissistic behavioral patterns and, depending on what else is in the natal chart, that may be accurate. Leo is the sign of self-love, self-esteem, confidence, pride, and going after our heart's desires. Excessive pride and vanity can be part of narcissistic patterns but there's also a depth of self-hatred and insecurity in narcissism. It seems like a contradiction but the main takeaway is that someone who really has self-love doesn't need external validation - they don't need Instagram likes, they don't compare themselves to others, and they can accept others being different and unique without feeling like it's an assault on their whole identity.

It got me thinking because I've been watching a lot of Dr. Ramadi videos describing narcissism and narcissistic abuse, which has helped me make a lot of sense of my childhood (ironically, my mom is a Leo), as well as more recent experiences. I've learned and re-learned so much and believe me, there is so much more I want to say than I'm able to put into a single post (which is going to be so much longer than I intended). But if my insights and mental processing helps someone who stumbles upon this post, then it's worth it.

You walked into the party

Like you were walking on to a yacht

Your hat strategically dipped below one eye

Your scarf, it was apricot

You had one eye in the mirror

As you watched yourself Gavotte

And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner

They'd be your partner, and

I've become especially intrigued by all the different kinds of narcissism and how the signs manifest depending on what sort of narcissist you're dealing with and in what context (spouse, parent, sibling, coworker, friend). We all can guess the signs of a grandiose narcissist, because they're usually easiest to detect. But there are so many other indicators of narcissism and manipulation we often ignore, because they seem unconnected. I'm going to pull some examples of this from true life, because this is an unfortunate situation that hits uncomfortably close to home at the moment. Narcissists seem to suck up all the air in the room and dominate the conversation. But when others are talking, they seem annoyed or distracted - and if you're saying something they don't want to hear or that they're not interested in, they will make it known by invalidating what you said (you don't know what you're talking about" or "you're wrong"), changing the subject ("I'd rather talk about something else" or "I'm not interested in this"), or (in the worst case) get angry and demeaning (they get to hurling insults and blaming you really quick when they're cornered). However, if you do any of those things when they're talking, brace yourself because narcissists become enraged quicker than you can turn your head. Communal narcissists have a tendency to get involved in big projects that are over their head and then the people who are pulled in by their initial enthusiasm end up doing all the work (fallen for this more than a few times in the past year). Or, they're the person who feels like they need to police "goodness" like being judgmental about your bad habits (criticizing when you eat junk food or smoke), calling out things as sexist, racist, or otherwise bigoted but not being aware of their own bigoted beliefs and actions (again, never point this out - it ends bad), or they give time/money generously (to charity or to friends) but then complain about it ("you're so ungrateful") or make sure everyone who benefited from their spending knows about it ("remember that time I bought everyone dinner" or "the events that I plan are always so much better than this").

For a narcissist, everyone else is incompetent and can't do anything right (because they won't do things the narcissist's way) - until the narcissist is face-to-face with someone, then they're all flattery and politeness. That's another tell-tale sign - they always seem to be on their best behavior when others are around but when you're in private, that's when the little digs come out and they start criticizing you. Narcissists are inauthentic - they portray a version of themselves to the world that is so divorced from the person they actually are, you wonder if you're dealing with two different people. This is especially true in the beginning of a relationship - they are perfect, everything you ever wanted, but then the facade starts slipping once they have you hooked and you're stuck struggling to recapture that magic of the first few weeks or months you knew them. Sorry bud - that wasn't a real person. They were just mirroring the person you told them you wanted but they can't deal with the complexities of a real human relationship. Yes, this is even true with narcissistic parents, which is why they often seem like a picture-perfect parent when their children are young but when that child begins to develop a personality and a sense of individuality, they get more irritable and their behavior towards the child becomes colder. A baby is an accessory for them to show off but a child - especially a strong-willed child - becomes another reflection of their inner feelings of inadequacy. If they can, they will mold the child in their image (creating a "Golden Child" and sometimes this results in the child taking on narcissistic patterns). However, in some cases, they'll act like the child is nothing but trouble (creating a "Scapegoat"), or they'll completely ignore the child when it isn't serving their needs (the "Invisible Child"). I'm serious - understanding these roles and patterns has helped me understand so much about the family dynamics of when I was growing up and how it shaped myself and my sisters.

Oh, you had me several years ago

When I was still quite naive

When you said that we made such a pretty pair

And that you would never leave

But you gave away the things you loved

And one of them was me

I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee

Clouds in my coffee, and

Out of all of them, though, I think the most insidious is covert narcissism, because this type in particular is hard to identify, which makes it even harder to escape. They're baffling because they don't fit the pattern we typically associate with narcissism. People can spend decades in a toxic relationship with a covert narcissist, suffering from manipulation, emotional and psychological abuse for years, all the while trying to convince themselves "it's not that bad" or - even worse - feeling guilty and worrying they're a bad person because they're tired of trying to making it work with someone who is always down on themselves and is impossible to please. Being in a relationship with any kind of narcissist is exhausting, but it sounds like covert narcissists are even more draining. Narcissism is marked by the extreme need for external validation and hypersensitivity, but where typical narcissism comes with extroversion and charisma, covert narcissism is accompanied by introversion and social anxiety. Instead of going on about how great they are to gain narcissistic supply, covert narcissists turn to self-pity and sob stories. They'll often use a hard childhood (because narcissism is usually inter-generational) as an excuse for their bad behavior (yet never seem to want to get therapy for it....that's weird). Unlike traditional narcissism, which uses downward comparisons (i.e., no one is better than me), covert narcissism tends toward upward comparisons (i.e., everyone is better than me). They often use self-deprecating comments ("I'm so stupid, ugly, lazy, untalented, etc.") to extract the validation and adoration they crave. For this reason, they tend to attract highly empathic people or people who have a "rescuer" mentality, who will use all their energy to elevate the narcissist's self-esteem (a losing battle - attempts at validation never last long). Covert narcissists are extremely envious people and they tend to exhibit jealousy, dislike, or even hatred for anyone they consider more attractive, more successful, more talented, or more anything they wish they had or could be (even their children). I've seen this before - when you point out another person is good at something, the covert narcissist will snap back that the person isn't as talented or they'll make some comment like, "well, I could be good at that if I had that much free time." Somehow, they'll make an otherwise innocuous observation a commentary about themselves. Covert narcissism does come with social anxiety but you'll notice that anxiety is only really bad when it's something you want to do or an event focused on you (like a work dinner or seeing your family). Either they will refuse to go, or if they do agree to go, they'll be sullen the whole time and make you feel guilty to the point that you choose to leave early, just to avoid the hassle. However, if you were to react the same way, there would be hell to pay. Narcissistic abuse is usually characterized by isolating the victim from their friends and family but it can get especially bad with a covert narcissist, because you wanting to maintain relationships apart from them triggers their insecurity even more - so you don't. You end up isolating yourself to accommodate their insecurities.

Narcissists, as a whole, are incredibly insecure. And you may think a covert narcissist has low self-esteem, until you realize they don't do things people with low self-esteem normally do, like avoid spending time and money on themselves. People with low self-worth literally don't think it's worth spending the time, money, or energy on themselves - so they don't. At my lowest point, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror to brush my teeth, let alone do my hair or put on makeup. And actually buy myself something nice like a massage or a new outfit? Forgeddaboutit! I didn't think I deserved it. It's hard to get over this mindset - I will still wait several months before going to get a slightly expensive haircut or massage I've been thinking about (but I'm getting better). Narcissists (even covert ones), on the other hand, spend loads of time and money on themselves to maintain an idealized version of themselves. But if you bring up their habits or want to spend a little time and money on yourself, expect the worst. It's only okay when they do it and if you call them out on that hypocrisy, you're in for another fight. Because there's always another fight. And eventually, you find yourself walking on eggshells and suppressing your own needs and desires, simply because standing up for yourself (and sometimes others) is not worth the trouble anymore. Because fighting with a narcissist is frightening - it's unexpected, it's usually over something trivial, it's over-exaggerated in proportion to what happened, and it's demeaning because they have no limits. It's not that they don't have empathy, like sociopaths - they do, they just don't use it for what it's meant for. They use their understanding of how others feel as a weapon. And depending on how long you've known them and how close your relationship is, they know exactly where to poke to cause you the most pain - they know your deepest fears and insecurities, they know your weaknesses, and they know what boundaries you've left undefended. That's one of the things I had to learn this the hard way - I want to fight back, I want to think I can make someone see what they are doing and the pain they are causing, to make them understand. Trust me - they won't. This strategy only ever brought more attention from whatever narcissist I was dealing with to me - and attracting more attention from them makes you the prime target.

You're so vain

You probably think this song is about you

You're so vain (you're so vain)

I'll bet you think this song is about you

Don't you?

Don't you?

Don't you?

There's so much more, I could probably write a book on what I understand now and how it relates to my own experiences, but mostly, I've just been using the knowledge to heal some fairly deep inner child wounds. Lately, I've been reading "The Body Keeps Score" by Bessel van der Kolk. The insights I've gotten from just reading the first few chapters have been amazing. It has explained in very concrete, scientific terms things such as: why running feels so good for me (it felt like I couldn't run away as a child); why singing makes me so happy, even when no one can hear me, even when the songs are sad (singing stimulates the polyvagal nerve, which helps regulate the body's reaction to emotions); why I don't like yelling, even if I'm the one who is doing the yelling (it triggers my "freeze" response from childhood memories of verbal abuse); why people often say I have resting bitch face (showing any emotion to narcissists is dangerous - and I've learned they really don't like RBF because it makes it hard to gain narcissistic supply from a person); and my complex relationship with food and my weight (I've discussed my struggle with an eating disorder in past posts). I haven't gotten to this part yet but Dr. van der Kolk explains more about alternative therapies for trauma around the body-mind link and how incorporating these therapies is essential for any type of psychological healing. Our physical vessel is a system - you can't heal the mind and soul without engaging the body, without understanding how our bodies react to psychological trauma and pain. Our bodies tell us very important things about our environment and, in particular, in our relationships with others. Unfortunately, it's the physical signs we often ignore, because we think we should rely on our rational/logical mind. However, "The Body Keeps Score" follows this as one of it's main themes - the mind can and will lie to you, the body doesn't. Narcissistic abuse - which I've talked a lot about today, because that's what I'm healing from - manifests in a number of physical ailments. Breathing problems, gastro-intestinal issues, muscle pains, headaches, sleeping disturbances, difficulties with concentration and memory, and just a general feeling of exhaustion develop when you've been the victim of narcissistic abuse, especially if it's a long-term relationship. It's no coincidence my first night sleeping in my dorm room at college was the best night's sleep I had ever gotten at that point in my life. Just being away from a narcissist can be a healing, in a very physical sense, after you've gotten over the pain of being discarded, ignored, or forgotten. Ironically, that healing is often what brings them back to you. Don't fall for it, don't let them reel you back in - it'll be even worse once the honeymoon period is over (and this period never lasts as long as you hope it will).

COVID update on a somewhat related note - we had a virtual farewell party for a friend who was changing jobs. The "official" party lasted an hour but a bunch of us stayed on for another hour and a half, just reminiscing, laughing, and having a good time. It was nice. And the miraculous thing was the trouble I've been having with breathing seemed to have disappeared for those few hours, which tells me two things: 1. Although the baby is pressing on my lungs and diaphragm, most of my breathing troubles are due to anxiety and 2. I really miss being around people, especially my work family. I wouldn't call myself a social butterfly by any means - I tend to score slightly higher on introversion, even though I'd technically call myself an ambivert - but being around people and bringing them together has always been a source of joy for me. The virtual party wasn't as awkward as I thought so I'm considering letting my sister plan the virtual baby shower she's been asking about for months (a work friend I brought this up to liked this idea, so I'm leaning more towards "yes"). Maybe. I know I'm running out of time.

"You're So Vain" Video

"Mansion" by NF and Fleurie

This song popped up on one of the "Cancer Cosmic Playlists" on Spotify. I love songs with the juxtaposition of beautiful, ethereal vocals against the rawness of rapped verses (like "Airplanes" by B.o.B. & Hayley Williams and "Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem & Rihanna). These lyrics hit pretty hard and - even though it's not the best song to listen to first thing in the morning on your way to work - I felt a deep connection with the words. The joke about Cancers is that they're "cry babies" but their symbol is a crab for a reason. We are sensitive, but you have to get through the tough shell first....and we only let certain people do that, if at all. "Mansion" is about the inability to allow yourself to be vulnerable, which is something I think most people struggle with. Especially for those with a history of trauma, they've learned that any level of vulnerability is unsafe, so they've built up walls upon walls of defense mechanisms. In the song, NF describes it as the titular "Mansion," where each room holds all his trauma, pain, regrets, and - most notably - his fear. In his dark moments, he paces its rooms, revisits all the ugliness. It's a prison for him and he's afraid to let anyone see it because, the minute he does, they'll leave him.

Insidious is blind inception

What's reality with all these questions?

Feels like I missed my alarm and slept in (slept in)

Broken legs but I chase perfection

These walls are my blank expression

My mind is a home I'm trapped in

And it's lonely inside this mansion

Lately, I had been thinking that things that happened in my childhood seem so far away. Like they didn't happen, almost. Even events that happened a year ago seem irrelevant now, irrelevant to moving forward, irrelevant to getting where I want to go. But I woke up on Friday in a panic, because I could literally hear my parents fighting in my sleep. The thing I remember most is the vocal fry that happens when people scream. The sound is so familiar to me. I hate it. I try not to yell when I'm angry and I try to avoid screaming to the point where my voice gets that harsh. The sound scares me so much that I can't even stand when my own voice gets to that point. I don't know if it was a dream or a memory or something my head put together - all the fights blur together and it always seemed like it was the same fight over and over.

Revisiting abnormal psychology and understanding what happened to me helps, in a way. I've been reading articles and watching videos about narcissistic abuse lately and why people stay stuck in these relationships for so long. Sometimes decades, even when it feels wrong. Even when the abuse is so obvious. The thing is that it's a process that slowly breaks down your identity and your mind until you're entirely dependent upon an abuser for your self-worth. And if you start to assert yourself or start getting your self-worth built up by outside sources, the abuse usually gets worse because the abuser feels like they've lost control. There's a whole cycle to it. In romantic relationships, the abuser will go through periods where they're the person you always wanted them to be or the person they were at the beginning of the relationship (called "love-bombing") - but it never lasts. Once you're back under their control, they're back to being angry all the time (because anger is how they control your behavior) and treating you like you're worthless. But the small kindnesses that they dole out, the breadcrumbs of "love," are so addictive because you're so depleted, you keep coming back for more. Slowly, your expectations for this person become less and less. The problem is you're never going to get the validation you crave from this person because - no matter what you do - they are never happy. You can never satisfy them and it destroys your perception of yourself. You begin to think of yourself as unlovable and unworthy.

A reason this cycle is so effective is that the brain doesn't like cognitive dissonance. For example, a person says they love you but they treat you like shit, the mind resolves that incongruity by turning inward and building an idea of yourself that you must be this terrible person that your abuser says you are. Which makes them seem even more Savior-like because, "Oh wow! I'm this terrible person and they stay anyway! They must really love me!" Wrong. Narcissistic abusers are literally vampires and they're staying around because you still have something for them to siphon out (money, attention, status). The minute all that goes away, they'll leave. That's another fallacy of modern society is that we're so entrenched with protecting our collective abandonment wound that we've twisted relationships to mean that staying = love. But staying in a relationship with someone who treats you like you don't matter, who calls you names, and continuously invalidates your feelings or thoughts, will destroy your capacity to love yourself. Claiming to love someone but not treating them with respect - especially when emotions are high - is a huge red flag. Unfortunately, it's usually one we ignore until it's too late, because we're desperate to feel loved. This is why, if you had narcissistic parents growing up, you're more likely to end up in similar relationships as an adult. This instability seems like "normal" relationship troubles. It's not.

Another reason why narcissistic abuse continues for so long is that it fucks with your memory. Gaslighting is a technique specifically designed to make you question your rational mind. For example, you might bring up something the person said in a previous conversation and they'll reply "I never said that!" or "That doesn't sound like me!" Normal (non-narcissistic people) will immediately question themselves and wonder if maybe they just remembered it wrong. That's something a narcissist is counting on. Long-term, it results in a sort of brain fog, where you're not even sure if you're remembering other important details of your life correctly. It ensures that you won't tell anyone or, if you do, that you won't be believed. The antidote for this is to write these moments down and/or tell a trusted friend. Both of these methods serve as an external memory, as it were, that helps to remind you that what you're experiencing is not just in your head. That it's real. I journaled off and on throughout high school and so did my little sister, and this helped immensely. It always terrified me that my mom would find our writings, to the point where - during one of the worst periods - I called my little sister and told her to burn my notebooks and her journals if she had to. As a writer, this is a nigh un-thinkable act but, at the time, I would've done anything to protect myself and my sisters. It's also important to note that my mom always hated my friends and would blame them for me acting in certain ways. I never told them about it, because I didn't want them to feel bad. To be honest, my friends saved me. They gave me a place to go when it got really bad and they reminded me that I wasn't ugly and stupid, that these were just words my mom used to hurt me. A narcissistic abuser will want to isolate you as much as possible to prevent others from destroying the negative self-perception you have of yourself. They won't want you talking to your family or will talk negatively about your family. They will not want to hang out with your friends and will get upset if you want to spend time with your friends without them. It's important that you stay connected to friends and family anyway, because you'll need that support network if you try to leave.

So this part of my house, no one's been in it for years

I built the safe room and I don't let no one in there

'Cause if I do, there's a chance that they might disappear and not come back

And I admit I am emotionally scared to let anyone inside

So I just leave my doors locked

You might get other doors to open up but this door's not

'Cause I don't want you to have the opportunity to hurt me

And I'll be the only person that I can blame when you desert me

I'm barricaded inside so stop watching

I'm not coming to the door so stop knocking, stop knocking

I'm trapped here, God keeps saying I'm not locked in

I chose this, I am lost in my own conscience

I know that shutting the wall down ain't solving the problem

But I didn't build this house because I thought it would solve 'em

I built it because I thought that it was safer in there

But it's not, I'm not the only thing that's living in here

Fear came to my house years ago, I let him in

Maybe that's the problem 'cause I've been dealing with this ever since

I thought that he would leave, but it's obvious he never did

He must have picked the room and got comfortable and settled in

Now I'm in the position it's either sit here and let him win

Or put him back outside where he came from, but I never can

'Cause in order to do that I'd have to open the doors

Is that me or the fear talking?

I don't know anymore

NF doesn't address it in the song, but the way you get rid of the fear is to burn the fucking house down. Destroy it, room by room. We call this process therapy and, to quote Channing Tatum, "everybody needs to be in therapy." He's not wrong. You have to walk through the rooms - the painful memories, the regrets, the mistakes - and remind yourself that, even though they happened, they don't have to define you. Bad things may have happened to you, you may have done bad things, but that doesn't make you a bad person. I'm not saying those triggers won't come up ever again if you go through therapy - they will (as my recent experiences attest). You'll just be able to deal with them in more healthy ways. Instead of getting drunk, you'll go exercise or call a friend. Instead of engaging in self-destructive behaviors (like cutting or starving yourself), you make art or write or meditate. Life after trauma is a slow process, almost painfully slow at times, especially when it feels like you're going backwards. You have to be brave enough to discover who you are without that negative influence in your life. It's scary. The loneliness can be so scary that it's almost preferable to go back to an unhealthy situation. But learn to become comfortable with being alone, with being by yourself. Moments of solitude is where you learn that you are enough.

I've been in a good place recently but the last couple of days, my mind has been very heavy. I feel lighter now. I hope sharing my experiences and knowledge help someone, especially anyone who is still going through this. You're not alone and you're not imagining things.

"Mansion" Video

"I Did Something Bad" by Taylor Swift

One of my son's favorite music videos is Taylor Swift's "...Ready for It?" It's a fairly interesting video visually - T-Swift is always intensely involved with the video creation process, down to the idea. Whatever you think of her, the girl definitely has a vision to go along with that voice. "...Ready for It?" is set in a sort of post-apocalyptic cyber punk world, which is why the following image always confused and intrigued me.....

If you look at the graffiti on the stairs (inside what clearly used to be a mall), it says "They're Burning All the Witches." This phrase seemed oddly out of place among the robots and ruins surrounding Taylor. In the video, there's a version of Taylor Swift that's trapped in a glass box (her metaphors aren't so subtle) but she can clearly do amazing things, like change shapes and make electricity come out of her fingertips. Another version of Taylor - wearing dark clothes, face hidden in the shadows of a hoodie - walks up to the box and when their hands meet across the glass, it's implied that the two merge, becoming an otherworldly being of immense power. The video is fucking trippy, almost as crazy as the "Bad Blood" video. Her music videos are works of art in their own right, deserving fo an entire post about the brilliant cinematography and my interpretations of the stories behind them. This is not that post.

Back to the witches and the burning...That phrase finally made sense when I listened to other songs on her latest album, "Reputation" (which is a masterpiece - even better than 1989 - and is currently on my "Vinyls I Need to Own" wish list).  She repeats the phrase over and over during the bridge of "I Did Something Bad." This happens to be my favorite part of the song, so I'll take the opportunity to share the lyrics here:

They're burning all the witches, even if you aren't one

They got their pitchforks and proof

Their receipts and reasons

They're burning all the witches, even if you aren't one

So light me up (light me up), light me up (light me up)

Light me up, go ahead and light me up (light me up)

Light me up (light me up), light me up (light me up)

Light me up (light me up), light me up (light me up)

I think her message is pretty clear here. If people are going to judge her, she's going to be who she is. No matter how "bad" that is. I've been going over a lot of my witchcraft books (because I haven't fully read a lot of them), and a continuing theme in them is this idea of authenticity and your True Will. A lot of times, magic doesn't work because we're not aligned with our True Will. Part of aligning is being in touch with your inner truth and being clear about your desires. This is why shadow work is so important - it strips away layers and layers of thought patterns and beliefs that don't serve you. That don't help you to grow and keep you from being the best version of yourself. And, believe me, Taylor Swift knows a little something about doing shadow work.

If you've been following Taylor Swift as long as I have, you may remember that she used to be a lot more milquetoast. Typical white girl from the 'burbs, who happens to play guitar. And then life hit her and she had to grow some teeth. Everyone knows about the whole Kanye incident and, yes, that is a contributing factor. Surprisingly, though, I don't think that's the thing that really messed her up. Throughout her songs, there is this shadow of a man who clearly did a number on her. Lied, cheated, used her for her money - any number of things that can ruin your ability to trust in future relationships. I have my theories, as I've said, but I'll save those for another day. Suffice it to say that young Taylor had to learn to cope and her initial reaction was to adopt some of the same behaviors that others had used to cause damage to her psyche. Here we go - let's talk about Narcissism and narcissistic behaviors, because those are hard to identify when we're close to the situation but are the main predictors of future abuse. Taylor said it herself - I never trust a narcissist but they love me. Let's examine what that means in more depth.

During National Women's Month, we're often reminded about violence against women but we hardly ever talk about violence from women. However, the cycle of abuse can be endless, and it's common for the abused to become the abusers, especially if they aren't self-aware. I think that's an important thing to stress - antisocial behaviors are usually learned. I was thinking about narcissistic behavior this morning because I found myself thinking about my mom. I wish I didn't think about it so much but I do and it's something I'm still working through. It's part of the whole Tea with my Demons thing - I have one named Mommy Issues. She's a pale, skinny 8-year-old with long, impossibly straight black hair, who spends way too much time hiding in closets with her dog. She's the reason I don't like yelling and freeze up occasionally when people toss things around, even when it's not in a threatening way.

I have to confess something - I didn't realize my mom's behavior was abusive until I took a Psychology of Women course at university. I thought it was normal to be yelled at every day. I thought it was normal to feel isolated all the time because she wouldn't let friends come over. I thought it was normal to prefer being at school for 12 hours a day, rather than going home. I thought it was normal to walk on eggshells, terrified that any wrong move would set off her anger - only I never knew what the "wrong moves" were. I thought that it was being a good daughter to make sure her needs were met while sublimating my own. Then, when she apologized and was all loving, everything was okay again....until the next thing set her off. That's how narcissists get you. They want to keep you isolated and doubting yourself, because that's how they maintain control. If they start to lose control, they do one of two things: they get scary angry; or they pretend that they've changed until you feel comfortable again, and then they return to their old behaviors.

Narcissists are extremely skilled at getting you to trust them and make you feel dependent on them so that, by the time they start showing who they really are, you are unable to walk away....at least, not easily. Not without some pain, either legally, financially or - and this must be stressed - physically. Anything you tell them in confidence can be used as a weapon against you. And then they play mind games, like gaslighting, which is when they tell you one thing and when you bring it up, they say something else and then act like you're the idiot when you challenge them on it. You start to think you're going crazy or you just don't have a good memory. They act like you're a projection of them, so they criticize how you look or the way you dress. That's the thing that always hurt the most - it took me a long time to feel okay with trying clothes on because, no matter what I tried on, my mom said it didn't look good on me. Or that she'd be embarrassed if I wore certain clothes when we went out. I wore full makeup through most of high school because she said I wasn't pretty without it. I could go on but I don't want to get lost in this pity party, because the truth is, I've worked through a lot of those self-esteem and self-worth issues....

But I also got away. The best thing that happened to me was going to a university in another state. A lot of people aren't as lucky. Some people can't put a state between themselves and a narcissistic person. Some people didn't have a best friend in high school whose parents didn't mind if you crashed the night after a big fight at home. And some people didn't take a million psychology classes to recognize when someone is putting them through serious emotional and psychological abuse. I joke a lot that my Psychology degree is useless but I use it every day. I use it to check my own actions and behavior, because I don't want my son to have the childhood I had. He deserves better. I deserved better. And I want him to learn that everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness, so I have to demonstrate that every day, in all my interactions. I also talk about psychology with my coworker a lot. Despite not having a psych degree, she's pretty astute at reading people and she's caught on to a lot of people's neuroses just through interacting with different types of folks throughout her career. I like to think she appreciates the detached, academic side that I bring to the conversation. I hate to treat my mom as a case study but it helps, in a way - and now that she's gotten treatment, I've learned a lot of lessons on compassion and forgiveness. Anyway, I think I've rambled on enough. I know this wasn't the cheeriest of posts but I hope my experience helps someone out there. Resources: "How to Spot Narcissistic Abuse" and "11 Signs You're the Victim of Narcissistic Abuse."

Side Note: For some reason, the audio seems weird on all the YouTube videos I looked at. I'm not sure if there's two different recordings but I prefer the album version (which is the one on Spotify, where I first heard it). This version isn't bad, but I feel like the breathy way she's singing doesn't do justice to her talent.

"I Did Something Bad" Video