It got me thinking because I've been watching a lot of Dr. Ramadi videos describing narcissism and narcissistic abuse, which has helped me make a lot of sense of my childhood (ironically, my mom is a Leo), as well as more recent experiences. I've learned and re-learned so much and believe me, there is so much more I want to say than I'm able to put into a single post (which is going to be so much longer than I intended). But if my insights and mental processing helps someone who stumbles upon this post, then it's worth it.
You walked into the party
Like you were walking on to a yacht
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf, it was apricot
You had one eye in the mirror
As you watched yourself Gavotte
And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner
They'd be your partner, and
I've become especially intrigued by all the different kinds of narcissism and how the signs manifest depending on what sort of narcissist you're dealing with and in what context (spouse, parent, sibling, coworker, friend). We all can guess the signs of a grandiose narcissist, because they're usually easiest to detect. But there are so many other indicators of narcissism and manipulation we often ignore, because they seem unconnected. I'm going to pull some examples of this from true life, because this is an unfortunate situation that hits uncomfortably close to home at the moment. Narcissists seem to suck up all the air in the room and dominate the conversation. But when others are talking, they seem annoyed or distracted - and if you're saying something they don't want to hear or that they're not interested in, they will make it known by invalidating what you said (you don't know what you're talking about" or "you're wrong"), changing the subject ("I'd rather talk about something else" or "I'm not interested in this"), or (in the worst case) get angry and demeaning (they get to hurling insults and blaming you really quick when they're cornered). However, if you do any of those things when they're talking, brace yourself because narcissists become enraged quicker than you can turn your head. Communal narcissists have a tendency to get involved in big projects that are over their head and then the people who are pulled in by their initial enthusiasm end up doing all the work (fallen for this more than a few times in the past year). Or, they're the person who feels like they need to police "goodness" like being judgmental about your bad habits (criticizing when you eat junk food or smoke), calling out things as sexist, racist, or otherwise bigoted but not being aware of their own bigoted beliefs and actions (again, never point this out - it ends bad), or they give time/money generously (to charity or to friends) but then complain about it ("you're so ungrateful") or make sure everyone who benefited from their spending knows about it ("remember that time I bought everyone dinner" or "the events that I plan are always so much better than this").
For a narcissist, everyone else is incompetent and can't do anything right (because they won't do things the narcissist's way) - until the narcissist is face-to-face with someone, then they're all flattery and politeness. That's another tell-tale sign - they always seem to be on their best behavior when others are around but when you're in private, that's when the little digs come out and they start criticizing you. Narcissists are inauthentic - they portray a version of themselves to the world that is so divorced from the person they actually are, you wonder if you're dealing with two different people. This is especially true in the beginning of a relationship - they are perfect, everything you ever wanted, but then the facade starts slipping once they have you hooked and you're stuck struggling to recapture that magic of the first few weeks or months you knew them. Sorry bud - that wasn't a real person. They were just mirroring the person you told them you wanted but they can't deal with the complexities of a real human relationship. Yes, this is even true with narcissistic parents, which is why they often seem like a picture-perfect parent when their children are young but when that child begins to develop a personality and a sense of individuality, they get more irritable and their behavior towards the child becomes colder. A baby is an accessory for them to show off but a child - especially a strong-willed child - becomes another reflection of their inner feelings of inadequacy. If they can, they will mold the child in their image (creating a "Golden Child" and sometimes this results in the child taking on narcissistic patterns). However, in some cases, they'll act like the child is nothing but trouble (creating a "Scapegoat"), or they'll completely ignore the child when it isn't serving their needs (the "Invisible Child"). I'm serious - understanding these roles and patterns has helped me understand so much about the family dynamics of when I was growing up and how it shaped myself and my sisters.
Oh, you had me several years ago
When I was still quite naive
When you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved
And one of them was me
I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and
Out of all of them, though, I think the most insidious is covert narcissism, because this type in particular is hard to identify, which makes it even harder to escape. They're baffling because they don't fit the pattern we typically associate with narcissism. People can spend decades in a toxic relationship with a covert narcissist, suffering from manipulation, emotional and psychological abuse for years, all the while trying to convince themselves "it's not that bad" or - even worse - feeling guilty and worrying they're a bad person because they're tired of trying to making it work with someone who is always down on themselves and is impossible to please. Being in a relationship with any kind of narcissist is exhausting, but it sounds like covert narcissists are even more draining. Narcissism is marked by the extreme need for external validation and hypersensitivity, but where typical narcissism comes with extroversion and charisma, covert narcissism is accompanied by introversion and social anxiety. Instead of going on about how great they are to gain narcissistic supply, covert narcissists turn to self-pity and sob stories. They'll often use a hard childhood (because narcissism is usually inter-generational) as an excuse for their bad behavior (yet never seem to want to get therapy for it....that's weird). Unlike traditional narcissism, which uses downward comparisons (i.e., no one is better than me), covert narcissism tends toward upward comparisons (i.e., everyone is better than me). They often use self-deprecating comments ("I'm so stupid, ugly, lazy, untalented, etc.") to extract the validation and adoration they crave. For this reason, they tend to attract highly empathic people or people who have a "rescuer" mentality, who will use all their energy to elevate the narcissist's self-esteem (a losing battle - attempts at validation never last long). Covert narcissists are extremely envious people and they tend to exhibit jealousy, dislike, or even hatred for anyone they consider more attractive, more successful, more talented, or more anything they wish they had or could be (even their children). I've seen this before - when you point out another person is good at something, the covert narcissist will snap back that the person isn't as talented or they'll make some comment like, "well, I could be good at that if I had that much free time." Somehow, they'll make an otherwise innocuous observation a commentary about themselves. Covert narcissism does come with social anxiety but you'll notice that anxiety is only really bad when it's something you want to do or an event focused on you (like a work dinner or seeing your family). Either they will refuse to go, or if they do agree to go, they'll be sullen the whole time and make you feel guilty to the point that you choose to leave early, just to avoid the hassle. However, if you were to react the same way, there would be hell to pay. Narcissistic abuse is usually characterized by isolating the victim from their friends and family but it can get especially bad with a covert narcissist, because you wanting to maintain relationships apart from them triggers their insecurity even more - so you don't. You end up isolating yourself to accommodate their insecurities.
Narcissists, as a whole, are incredibly insecure. And you may think a covert narcissist has low self-esteem, until you realize they don't do things people with low self-esteem normally do, like avoid spending time and money on themselves. People with low self-worth literally don't think it's worth spending the time, money, or energy on themselves - so they don't. At my lowest point, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror to brush my teeth, let alone do my hair or put on makeup. And actually buy myself something nice like a massage or a new outfit? Forgeddaboutit! I didn't think I deserved it. It's hard to get over this mindset - I will still wait several months before going to get a slightly expensive haircut or massage I've been thinking about (but I'm getting better). Narcissists (even covert ones), on the other hand, spend loads of time and money on themselves to maintain an idealized version of themselves. But if you bring up their habits or want to spend a little time and money on yourself, expect the worst. It's only okay when they do it and if you call them out on that hypocrisy, you're in for another fight. Because there's always another fight. And eventually, you find yourself walking on eggshells and suppressing your own needs and desires, simply because standing up for yourself (and sometimes others) is not worth the trouble anymore. Because fighting with a narcissist is frightening - it's unexpected, it's usually over something trivial, it's over-exaggerated in proportion to what happened, and it's demeaning because they have no limits. It's not that they don't have empathy, like sociopaths - they do, they just don't use it for what it's meant for. They use their understanding of how others feel as a weapon. And depending on how long you've known them and how close your relationship is, they know exactly where to poke to cause you the most pain - they know your deepest fears and insecurities, they know your weaknesses, and they know what boundaries you've left undefended. That's one of the things I had to learn this the hard way - I want to fight back, I want to think I can make someone see what they are doing and the pain they are causing, to make them understand. Trust me - they won't. This strategy only ever brought more attention from whatever narcissist I was dealing with to me - and attracting more attention from them makes you the prime target.
You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain (you're so vain)
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you?
Don't you?
Don't you?
There's so much more, I could probably write a book on what I understand now and how it relates to my own experiences, but mostly, I've just been using the knowledge to heal some fairly deep inner child wounds. Lately, I've been reading "The Body Keeps Score" by Bessel van der Kolk. The insights I've gotten from just reading the first few chapters have been amazing. It has explained in very concrete, scientific terms things such as: why running feels so good for me (it felt like I couldn't run away as a child); why singing makes me so happy, even when no one can hear me, even when the songs are sad (singing stimulates the polyvagal nerve, which helps regulate the body's reaction to emotions); why I don't like yelling, even if I'm the one who is doing the yelling (it triggers my "freeze" response from childhood memories of verbal abuse); why people often say I have resting bitch face (showing any emotion to narcissists is dangerous - and I've learned they really don't like RBF because it makes it hard to gain narcissistic supply from a person); and my complex relationship with food and my weight (I've discussed my struggle with an eating disorder in past posts). I haven't gotten to this part yet but Dr. van der Kolk explains more about alternative therapies for trauma around the body-mind link and how incorporating these therapies is essential for any type of psychological healing. Our physical vessel is a system - you can't heal the mind and soul without engaging the body, without understanding how our bodies react to psychological trauma and pain. Our bodies tell us very important things about our environment and, in particular, in our relationships with others. Unfortunately, it's the physical signs we often ignore, because we think we should rely on our rational/logical mind. However, "The Body Keeps Score" follows this as one of it's main themes - the mind can and will lie to you, the body doesn't. Narcissistic abuse - which I've talked a lot about today, because that's what I'm healing from - manifests in a number of physical ailments. Breathing problems, gastro-intestinal issues, muscle pains, headaches, sleeping disturbances, difficulties with concentration and memory, and just a general feeling of exhaustion develop when you've been the victim of narcissistic abuse, especially if it's a long-term relationship. It's no coincidence my first night sleeping in my dorm room at college was the best night's sleep I had ever gotten at that point in my life. Just being away from a narcissist can be a healing, in a very physical sense, after you've gotten over the pain of being discarded, ignored, or forgotten. Ironically, that healing is often what brings them back to you. Don't fall for it, don't let them reel you back in - it'll be even worse once the honeymoon period is over (and this period never lasts as long as you hope it will).
COVID update on a somewhat related note - we had a virtual farewell party for a friend who was changing jobs. The "official" party lasted an hour but a bunch of us stayed on for another hour and a half, just reminiscing, laughing, and having a good time. It was nice. And the miraculous thing was the trouble I've been having with breathing seemed to have disappeared for those few hours, which tells me two things: 1. Although the baby is pressing on my lungs and diaphragm, most of my breathing troubles are due to anxiety and 2. I really miss being around people, especially my work family. I wouldn't call myself a social butterfly by any means - I tend to score slightly higher on introversion, even though I'd technically call myself an ambivert - but being around people and bringing them together has always been a source of joy for me. The virtual party wasn't as awkward as I thought so I'm considering letting my sister plan the virtual baby shower she's been asking about for months (a work friend I brought this up to liked this idea, so I'm leaning more towards "yes"). Maybe. I know I'm running out of time.
"You're So Vain" Video
No comments:
Post a Comment