Birthday Post: "Shake It Out" by Florence + the Machine

Last night, instead of watching my neighbors set off fireworks, I decided to watch "Twilight" instead. No idea why, just thought it would be a fun idea. I spent a feverish semester reading all four books and bonding over fictional sparkly vampires with my roommate during my senior year at university. This was around the time the movies started to come out. It was a short-lived fandom for me, before I understood the traditional romantic subtext and considered the damaging consequence of romanticizing a relationship where an older guy essentially begins stalking a young girl who is adjusting to a new life in unfamiliar surroundings. It was fun, though. And really, I think I had an urge to watch it because memes of one particular scene kept popping up on my Twitter feed. Early in the movie, there's a scene where Bella walks into her Biology class and the only seat left is next to Edward. She walks by a fan and Edward is supposedly driven mad by her smell. I can imagine the director's notes for Robert Pattinson judging by the outlandish overreaction he has at Bella's scent - "Just pretend like this bitch stanks." What resulted was A+ acting.

We also had a penumbral lunar eclipse at 13° Capricorn last night. Right on America's birthday, which professional astrologers say is significant (i.e., more craziness ahead). Since the eclipse falls within three days of my birthday as well - making it almost exactly opposite my natal Sun - this year should be pretty eventful for me, too. The Eclipse occurred in my 8th House, which rules over Death, Sex (and other forms of intimacy), and Finances from outside sources (inheritances, taxes, unexpected windfalls). No idea what that could mean. Rough interpretation could be that I win the lotto....or that someone I love dies (since it's a lunar eclipse, that often indicates a woman, especially a maternal figure). It could mean I might die - I am becoming a mother for the second time and the closer I get to my due date, the more scared I get about giving birth in a hospital in the current environment, especially if I need another C-section. Giving birth in a hospital, especially if the end of September and October are as bad as experts predict, will probably the highest risk of exposure I will have during this pandemic. The likelihood my husband may not be able to be there when I give birth increases the longer this situation spirals out of control. At this point, my parents and my oldest son will not be able to visit me in the hospital, which is going to suck if I end up being there for the minimum 3 days of C-section recovery. I'm trying not to worry about it but I'm still bracing myself for what comes next.

Regrets collect like old friends

Here to relive your darkest moments

I can see no way, I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play

I'm turning 33, a very important year in numerology. The number 33 is considered a Master number and it's significant in all major religions. The number 3 symbolizes eternal life, the flow of nature, and spiritual growth. You've heard the saying that things (deaths, births, etc) come in threes? That's actually an ancient belief and 33 doubles the power of the number. It is believed Jesus died when he was 33, Alexander the Great also died at 33, Freemasonry has 33 degrees in its ranks, tons of Catholic and Freemasonry shit is centered around the number 33, well-known centers of paranormal occurrences fall along the 33rd parallel, and major events or important people came to power during years that ended in 33. Sorry - fell a little bit down the rabbit hole while researching the number 33. It's an exciting place to be. Fun and a little more cheerful fact: A survey conducted in the UK found that 70% of respondents say they were happiest, or that the best parts of their life began, at age 33. Isn't that nice? You may also have noticed I've set this post to publish at 3:45am, which is my birth time according to my birth certificate - 3am is considered the "witching hour," a coincidence that is not lost on me. In fact, I've always taken it as a good omen that this is my right path. Turning 33 begins a 10th year profection year in astrology - the 10th House is the House of Career and Reputation. Even though I've been struggling with prenatal depression, I have been writing a lot. And I've been struck with lots of inspiration lately - it feels channeled, almost, like it's coming from somewhere else. Still me, of course, still my words but coming from a higher place that's connected to something so much bigger. It's a good sign that I've gained the confidence in my writing needed to achieve the goals and dreams I have for myself.

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues strong

It's always darkest before the dawn

As a Gemini rising, it is said my destined life purpose is to be a Messenger. And I've really begun to identify with that purpose lately. That being said, I am planning on moving my esoteric/astrological/occult/spiritual rants to another medium. However, that's going to take some time, because I want to do it right this time. As much as I love Music Slut, it was stood up by a 22-year-old who found another free blog site for shouting into the void. There was never any purpose behind it, besides sharing the music that I love. It's been integral to the shaping of my voice and my discipline, and in that light, it has served me well. But I would like to return it to being purely about the music, which it hasn't been for a while. My new site will actually be hosted with a real domain name. The articles will be a lot better researched, more focused, and purposefully structured. I'll try to do a better job at editing so that I correct spelling and grammar mistakes before articles are published (and not catch them while I'm obsessively re-reading my posts after the fact). And I'm considering the idea of eventually offering tarot sessions and natal chart readings, after I've done some more learning. Additionally, I'll be working more on my fictional and poetic work offline, with a hope those things may be published by someone other than myself. I mention all this stuff to hold myself accountable and to speak it into existence. This is the direction I want to go during my 33rd loop around the Sun.

'Cause I am done with my graceless heart

So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart

'Cause I like to keep my issues strong

It's always darkest before the dawn

Finally, this will be an 8 year for me, which means my tarot card for the year is Strength. How do I know that? I just added up the numbers in my birthday for this year and reduce the number as far as it will go --> 7 + 6 + 2020 = 13 + 4 = 17 = 1+7 = 8. The number 8, in both numerology and tarot, can be....rough to say the least. The number 8 is associate with personal empowerment, achievement, and success. That all sounds good but it comes in the form of tough love and, while an 8 year is often transformative, it is usually intense. It's laying the ground work for the following two years, which represent the ending of a cycle and the beginning of a new one. While the preceding year (7) is also transformative, the changes and the journey to create transformation, are usually internal. The 8 year can bring a lot of turbulence in the physical reality and has often been described as a "testing ground." The number 8 is often associated with karma, so an 8 year can be a "you reap what you sow" kind of year, in the most literal sense. Hence why the Strength card is linked with this number - it is through hard times that we learn to rely on and cultivate our inner strength. The key to an 8 year is balance - there is a natural tendency to what to bulldoze through this year but, in order to get the most out of it, you have to make time to slow down as well.

I tried to dance with the devil on your back

And given half the chance would I take any of it back

It's a final mess but it's left me so empty

It's always darkest before the dawn

The recent eclipse has unraveled many revelations for me, as well as revealed some things I needed to learn. For example, a mundane revelation I had today was that I don't like birthday cake. Don't get me wrong - I love a good piece of cake....just not for my birthday. This year, I wanted a cheesecake for my birthday - to be precise, I wanted a slice from The Cheesecake Factory. Unpopular opinion - although their entire existence makes me want to gag, they do make pretty good cheesecake. Last year, I insisted on having Berry Shortcake for my birthday and in the years before that, I think I wanted some sort of fruit pie. While growing up, I've had multiple birthdays where I've opted for one of those giant chocolate chip cookies instead of cake. At work, I almost never eat a slice of cake for our birthday celebrations, although I do contribute to the Birthday Fund, because I believe that celebrating people is essential for creating an enjoyable workplace culture. It's never been my thing and I only just today saw the pattern. I know - that was a weird side tangent but - come on - you've read the rest of this post. My distaste for birthday cake is probably the least unusual thing about me.

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't

So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road

And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope

It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat

'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Looking for heaven, for the devil in me

Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

For the featured song, I chose "Shake It Out" by Florence + the Machine, one of my favorite artists. I feel like it sets the tone for the mindset I want to carry into this next year. I want to embrace how the past has shaped me but not let my past define my future. I want to face any setbacks, failures, and disappointments with open arms, as they often precede greater happiness. Although I have many concerns and fears right now, I want to move forward with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.

"Shake It Out" Video