"Torn" by Edna Swap

Fun fact: The Natalia Imbruglia version of "Torn," (i.e., the most famous version) is a cover. I bet you haven't even heard the original, which is why I decided to feature it today. I tracked it down just to do a little musical education for myself, because I was going to use the Natalie version until I did my research. Turns out I really like the first pressing. Don't get me wrong - I love the Natalia Imbruglia version. I heard it on the radio a couple weeks ago, when I was riding around with my parents, and I think that was the first time I had really actually listened and understood the words. But Edna Swap's original, while a bit rougher around the edges, hits a little harder for me. Brings the meaning home, in a sense.

I have a tendency to idealize things. Especially people. Guess I was always looking for a savior - and I found several. Not just people, but situations, hopes, dreams. All with tons of potential. But they never measured up. Things eventually became imperfect, somehow, and that's what always broke my heart. That's what the song is about. Falling in love with the potential and then being disappointed with the reality. Afterwards, you just feel drained and empty. And oh so vulnerable. That's the worst part. Like you wasted your time, your love, your effort. Where do you go after that? Well, inwards obviously. To figure out what you needed saving from, for starters. An already disappointing life? What was so disappointing about it? A lot of people run towards fantasies to avoid the actual problems in their life. It's normal. American culture even encourages it a bit. But it's not healthy. And it won't make you happy.

This takes us back to The Lover archetype and its shadows. Both shadows (The Addicted Lover and The Impotent Lover) have a problem with idealizing others, which ultimately is a way to allocate personal responsibility from themselves and push it onto others. It manifests in the Addicted Lover as moving from person to person, passion to passion, searching for something that they can't seem to find. He'll stay engrossed until something breaks the illusion, then he'll drop it for something else, hoping it fills the void. On the flip side, the Impotent Lover may have found that ideal, that something he was looking for, and yet, feels powerless to pursue it. With perfection just out of his reach, disappointment shades everything else, making life seem dull. For a person who has not maximized The Lover's potential, they may shift between these two different poles. We sort of see what that looks like in the lyrics of "Torn." The man she met seemed perfect and wonderful. Then something happened and when she saw the reality of the situation - that who she wanted him to be is not who he was - she felt like a fool to allow herself to become so vulnerable. And she's surrendered to the inevitable. The fantasy has dissolved and she has to let it go because you can't go back to how things were before.

So I guess the fortune teller's right

I should have seen just what was there

And not some holy light

But you crawled beneath my veins and now

I don't care, I have no luck

I don't miss it all that much

There's just so many things

That I can't touch, I'm torn

So how do we deal with this aspect of the shadow? Well, as we've learned already, The Lover energy is all about staying present. Enjoying the sensations you're feeling but staying grounded in reality. To do that, you have to slow down and talk to yourself, especially when you feel like you're being carried away by a strong emotion. In the moment, ask yourself these questions:

• When you find yourself thinking everything is perfect: Am I idealizing this person or situation? If so, what am I idealizing and why? Assess before taking any next steps. 
• When you find yourself disappointed: What were my expectations? Were my expectations abnormally high? If not, did you communicate what your expectations were?
• When you're idealizing a person: Can you find anything you don't like? Are they flaws you can live with? In the first few months of a relationship, people tend to ignore red flags that would've indicated that it wasn't going to work out. Anger and trust issues. Different core values. Incompatible life goals. The things you find yourself shrugging off and tolerating in the beginning are usually the reasons why the relationship ends. 
• When you're idealizing a situation: What is actually happening here? How does the situation look from an outside perspective? Find a friend who is willing to be honest and take note of how you react to what they say. If you find yourself getting defensive, that's a big indicator that you're trying to protect your fantasy and you need to step back.

The above advice may seem kind of cynical, especially when it comes to relationships. But, as someone who has jumped into many situations without taking my own advice (or the advice of others), slowing down does make a difference. I had a friend tell me once that I was always running when she saw me. I've always felt this urgency. Everything has to happen now, or else it won't happen. The fear of missing out. Word to the wise - missing out on something not the worst thing that could happen. Because what happens when that thing or person you're running towards turns out not to be worth it? Well, it turns into just another lesson on your journey and, hopefully, you're better for the experience.

“Why, if it was an illusion, not praise the catastrophe, whatever it was, that destroyed illusion and put truth in it's place?” - Virginia Woolf

"Torn" Video

"Bad Liar" by Imagine Dragons

::WARNING:: There may be some (very minor) Game of Thrones spoilers. But, if you've watched the past few seasons, you probably saw it coming anyway. ::END::

My son loves Imagine Dragons. I'm not sure if he likes them because I like them, or if I started liking them because he enjoyed their music. He's definitely the bigger fan, between the two of us. Whenever their music videos come on our playlist, he dances with wild abandon, like only children do. Sometimes I join him. "Bad Liar" is one of our favorites to dance to. In the video, a girl is dancing - mostly classical freestyle. Gives me a chance to break out the old ballet moves. I'm not very good at spotting but I can do at least a single pirouette decent enough.

The video is a little disturbing to me but it matches the song perfectly. In the video, there's a guy hanging from an invisible rope. He seems dead. A girl walks in and starts dancing. For him. Trying to bring him back to life. Trying to show him what it's like to be free and alive. He's following her but through no effort of his own. And she's trying so hard but she's losing patience and getting frustrated. At the end, his noose is released and he drops to the floor. She bows and walks away. It's a metaphor. Presumably, after the video ends, he comes back to life. But it's too late. She's already gone.

Oh, hush, my dear, it's been a difficult year

And terrors don’t prey on innocent victims

Trust me, darlin', trust me darlin'

It’s been a loveless year

I'm a man of three fears

Integrity, faith and crocodile tears

Trust me, darlin', trust me, darlin'

This song (and its associated video) reminded me of The Impotent Lover archetype, a shadow version of the master masculine archetype, The Lover. The Impotent Lover has lost his passion for life and is just existing in a dull, grey world. He's consumed by loneliness, even in a room full of people. He's cut himself off from his friends, his family, but - most of all - he's cut off from himself. Ultimately, he's cut himself off from his own emotions. In a world devoid of pleasure, at least he can avoid the pain. He's lost his identity so it often feels as if he's watching a life that isn't his own, as if it's a movie he has no interest in. 

The Impotent Lover usually has too much discipline and limits, that he can't enjoy the fullness of life. He lives so much in his head that he feels powerless and this may manifest in various ways. The most obvious (given the name of the archetype) may be a loss of sex drive or sexual dysfunction. He may seem bored and listless. Or, when offered something he desires, he may come up with a reason why he cannot indulge. Because of so many rules and restrictions, there may be a great reserve of anger and envy bubbling under the surface, waiting to come out in self-destructive ways. Excessive alcohol and drug abuse, thrill-seeking, obsessive behavior, promiscuity - effectively turning him into the active shadow, The Addicted Lover.

I'm caught up on GoT now and, having watched the most recent episode, this song could definitely stand in  as the theme for Jaime Lannister. A good woman loves him, in spite of all his faults, even though he's not in the same shape he used to be (he's missing an arm), even knowing his past (including the whole incestuous relationship with his twin thing). She stood up for him, fought zombies next to him, and probably would've died for him if it came down to it. But he leaves her outside Winterfell - freezing in her robe, full on ugly crying while begging him to stay - to return to his cruel, sadistic, manipulative sister (Cersei). Cersei would kill him (or have him killed) without another thought. She couldn't care less about him, so what the fuck is he doing?!

I agree. On the surface, it seems like he's - literally - the worst. But I must have compassion for Jaime - I imagine he's feeling a lot of cognitive dissonance. His relationship with Cersei was/is really fucked up (he manifests as The Addicted Lover within its context). He has murdered for her, lied for her, done everything he could to serve her. Jaime even says as much in his goodbye, with the implication that he must love her if he did all those terrible things, if he endured all her madness and cruelty. But, in earlier episodes, he confesses that he's genuinely afraid of Cersei. And you cannot love what you fear. Fear is the antithesis of Love. But Jaime doesn't understand that - no, what's going through his head is that he cannot be redeemed. That is unchangeable - no matter what good he's done since then doesn't change his situation. So when faced with real love, all these feelings of unworthiness and doubt arose. Jaime walked away because he loved Brienne enough to know that she deserves better than him. And maybe she does (fuck yeah, OF COURSE she does!). But the heart wants what it wants.

I can't breathe, I can't be

I can't be what you want me to be

Believe me, this one time

Believe me

I'm starting to get all hopeless romantic on y'all, so let's cut to the chase. The Lover archetype is about being present in your life and pursuing your passions in a healthy way. A few questions to ask yourself when exploring its shadows:

• Are you enjoying what you have in your life now? If you are, engage in more of whatever makes you happy. If not, make a change - take a class, start a hobby, go on that trip of a lifetime, indulge in a Chai Tea Frappuccino....something that will ignite your excitement. Again, writing down a list of things you want to do (hobbies, adventures, food places) is great for figuring this out.
• Are you rushing through the pleasures of life (eating, sex, cashmere)? If so, why? And what can you do to slow down and enjoy the small things?
• Are you taking time for romance? Yes, I'm talking the "red roses, love poems, serenades under the balcony, dinner on the rooftop then dancing under the stars" type of romance. Okay, maybe not that far, but it is called The Lover archetype for a reason....be creative with it.
• Are you being fully present in your life? Or are you constantly looking for the next distraction?
• Do you allow yourself to feel your emotions? Or do you bottle them up? Or are you constantly over-analyzing them and trying to convince yourself that you shouldn't be feeling a certain way? If you do one of the latter two, try to understand why you do that.
• Finally - and this is the toughest one - do you love yourself? Do you believe you deserve love? A lot of people think they do, but when they start to make an effort to love themselves, they realize a lot of their actions have been self-sabotage. If the answer is no, taking time to discover your passions will help.

I'm going to end with a quote from my favorite real-life embodiment of The Lover, F. Scott Fitzgerald. I read it on my Twitter feed (because I'm one of those dorks who follows an F.S.F. quote bot) and thought it was the perfect description of The Lover archetype in literature:

"In her presence he was too absorbed to notice his surroundings; so that her absence never made them empty, but, rather, sent him seeking for her through haunted rooms and gardens that he had never really seen before." - from Basil & Cleopatra

"Bad Liar" Video