"Sit Still, Look Pretty" by Daya

This song came up on my Spotify Discover playlist. It's super catchy - there's your warning. I've been thinking back on my life, trying to figure out where I got here, to this moment. On one hand, I'm fairly successful by societal standards, generally content with most things in my life; on the other, I'm kind of disappointed because I thought things would be different. I couldn't tell you exactly how it would be different, I just thought it would be. I guess I envy the point of view in this song, because I've been so muddled for so long. I didn't have a clear direction, things just sort of happened and I followed where they led. Last week, during my work meetings, the head facilitator brought up this great metaphor that I plan to use for absolutely everything now. He said we had to correct our Natural Point of Aim. Marksmen will set their sights on a target, then close their eyes and move their gun around. After a few seconds, with their eyes still closed, they have to aim at where they think the target is. Where the gun ends up is their Natural Point of Aim, which is self-explanatory. If you're very far off target, you have to keep doing the exercise until you're fully corrected. Until your Natural Point of Aim is the target. I believe I'm in the process of correcting my Natural Point of Aim. And, understandably, I'm annoyed at how far off target I am because I hold myself to such high standards. Standards, by the way, I don't hold anyone else to, which is part of my problem.

Tomorrow is a Full Moon in Libra. Libra is all about balance, wanting balance in all areas of your life. And I'm starting to realize how unbalanced my life is and now, balance is all I want. Because my natural inclination is to do too much, to put in to much, regardless of what I'm getting back. We can talk all day about why that is - I know I have serious psychological hangups and I'm working on it. Suffice it to say that, if I pull back even just the slightest bit, nothing gets done. I've been filling in the gap my whole life - and I don't know how to stop. I can't just let the chaos pile up around me. I know Marie Kondo would tell me that it's okay to let it happen, that you can rebuild something new with the rubble. Cleaning up the mess that ensues would be preferable to what I'm currently feeling, which is resentful and angry. And when I voice that anger, I'm the one who seems unreasonable. "You had no problem with things being this way before, what changed?" I got fed up. I'm exhausted and I'm not even trying to hide it anymore. I find myself yelling a lot more and I hate it. Yelling gives me anxiety, because I did so much of it when I was younger, because I had to defend myself and my sisters. And there's nothing I dislike more than the feeling of screaming and still not being heard.

Oh, I don't know what you've been told

But this gal right here's gonna rule the world

Yeah, that is where I'm gonna be because I wanna be

No, I don't wanna sit still, look pretty

You get off on your nine to five

Dream of picket fences and trophy wives

But no, I'm never gonna be 'cause I don't wanna be

No, I don't wanna sit still look pretty

This is my current mood. I'm going to fucking fix this mess I've gotten myself in. I think a lot of problems emanate from not being crystal clear about what you want in life. That's how you get off track - you lose sight of who you want to be and what you want to accomplish. Daya is perfectly clear about what she wants in her life - she wants to rule the world, she doesn't want a typical suburban life with all the trappings of mediocrity. In manifestation (and tomorrow is also a Supermoon, so a great time for doing manifestation work), it's extremely powerful to just put into words what you want. Putting it out to the Universe voices your commitment to making it happen. I want to be a writer. I want to be the best mom I can be. I want to have my shit together, for once. Then comes the hard part. I mean, don't get me wrong - just being able to identify what it is you really want is hard enough. To be honest, it took me a couple decades. But the second part is harder, because you have to just trust that you'll get there.

There's this principle in Taoism called wu wei. It's the action of non-action, that when we're alignment, we don't have to do anything to make what we want happen. A simpler way to put this is "going with the flow." I've been trying to do that, but I struggle with patience. And non-action scares me a little. I have this intense feeling that, if I'm not doing something, nothing is going to happen. Trying to get into this paradoxical wu wei state of being has been a trial. How do you even get into "alignment"? Well, from all my research, all you have to do is live from your most authentic self, which is also very scary. It's scary to be honest with people about what you're thinking and what you're feeling. Being authentic means that you're basically the same person publicly as you are privately, something I've never been good at. But, in hindsight, I can also say that keeping those walls up has taken its toll. I'm doing my best to not try to force things, to make things happen.

This afternoon, while I was getting ready to go running, I got a nasty shock when I found a spider on my closet door. My first instinct was to smash it. However, since I've decided to commit to this whole "everything is sacred" thing, I figured it must be a sign from the Universe and it would be a bad idea to kill the poor thing. It was just a Daddy Long-Legs, after all. Not dangerous, just big and he surprised me, which isn't a good reason to kill anything. So I got a cup and released him on my front door step. Afterwards, I googled the spiritual meaning of spiders - they represent creativity and our ability to weave our own Fate. They also represent the need for patience, because you can't rush when you're constructing something of great meaning and beauty. Keeping that in mind, earlier today, lyrics from a particular song was stuck in my head and offered guidance on how to deal with where I am right now:

When I find myself in times of trouble,

Mother Mary comes to me,

Speaking words of wisdom

Let it be.

So, I'm trying to just let things be right now. I'm definitely not in control of this ride, so why worry so much? Keep seeking whatever you're searching for, because it's also seeking you. I know the above sounds like of a bunch of bullshit, but I think there's a lot of wisdom in songs, if you just take a moment to listen.

"Sit Still, Look Pretty" Video

"While My Guitar Gently Weeps" by The Beatles (as covered by Girl in a Coma)

George Harrison wrote "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" after The Beatles became immersed in Transcendental Meditation (TM). After months of trying to get in touch with your inner One-ness and becoming infinitely more wise in the process, there's a moment when you become despondent that others don't understand what you understand. In the moment, in feels like it was so easy to get to this point. You've forgotten that - in reality - it wasn't. It was full of a lot of pain and before that moment, your life was an endless string of struggles. That's where Harrison was when he wrote this song. He felt so at peace with himself, but walking through the world, all he saw was people in immense amounts of pain. Suffering that was usually caused by their own inner demons - low self-worth, anxiety, competition with everyone in the world. Lacking in authenticity, not knowing that who they were was more than good enough.

I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping

While my guitar gently weeps

I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping

Still my guitar gently weeps.

I don't know why nobody told you

How to unfold your love

I don't know how someone controlled you

They bought and sold you.

You've got to understand - in 1968, when The Beatles really got into the TM movement, they had spent several years under the influence of fame and excess. Lost in that world, they became jaded, as anyone would in that situation. They all felt as if they lost their passion for music and, in some ways, their passion for living. So, they went searching for something, like we all do eventually. Well, those who are awake, anyway. The Beatles decided to visit India and study TM under Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. His time there marked a profound change in Harrison and, afterwards, began a period of prolific songwriting. When he came back, he started to read the I Ching and embraced the idea of relativism - that everything is in relation to everything else. Nothing is coincidental. Nothing is an accident. He made a decision to write a song based on the first words he saw when he opened a book, which were "gently weeps." Similar to how Stevie Nicks used bibliomancy to write "Rhiannon." In the lyrics, he laments the universal love for humankind that is dormant in all people but remains unrealized. It was his profound wish that everyone would see and embrace this capability. If Love conquers all, why hasn't it yet? I don't know, George....I don't know.

I look at the world and I notice it's turning

While my guitar gently weeps

With every mistake we must surely be learning

Still my guitar gently weeps.

I don't know how you were diverted

You were perverted too

I don't know how you were inverted

No one alerted you.

A few words about Transcendental Meditation - it's simple to do yet, for some reason, you have to go to a teacher to learn it. Like everything worth doing, the world commodified and commercialized it. The Beatles were partially responsible for that - their very public endorsement as the biggest celebrities of the time created a surge of interest....and, simultaneously, hordes of customers desperate to emulate The Beatles. And once people realize you can make money off something, they'll do it. But, as I said, it's simple to do. You sit in silence, repeating a mantra in your head, for about 15-20 minutes twice a day. Supposedly (and please be aware that I have never taken a paid TM class in my life), the TM instructor gives you the mantras to work with and that's what you're paying for, really. Ancient wisdom. But, my friends, that's what the Internet is for....you can look up mantras and the TM technique yourself. You can decide if it's worth the money to get private TM instruction. But I believe the search for inner peace doesn't have to cost money and I'd be wary of anyone who says otherwise.

I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping

While my guitar gently weeps

Look at you all

Still my guitar gently weeps.

This version of "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" comes from Girl in a Coma's "Adventures in Coverland" album, which is exactly what you think it is - an album consisting solely of covers. As I've mentioned, I love Nina Diaz's voice, and GiaC's general style is highly influenced by rockabilly and surf rock. While Harrison's original recordings of the song were more folk music-inspired and the final version that made it to the White album had hints of progressive rock, the twangy guitar in GiaC's version hearkens back to the classic rock that influenced the young George, Paul, John, and Ringo. Additionally, I think Diaz's soulful crooning gives the lyrics more weight, somehow. You can really feel the worldly despair at the end.

Side tangent - While I was listening to this song (both out loud and in my head), I began to think about the idiom "heart of gold." Someone once said I had a heart of gold and I always thought that was a good thing. It sounds like a good thing, doesn't it? You would think it means that  I have a pure, good heart that is precious and valuable and needs to be protected. But then I was thinking that gold is one of the heaviest metals, atomically speaking. A gold bar is extremely heavy - you couldn't easily steal a bar of gold, because no one is that strong. So to be carrying around a heart of gold would be like always carrying this weight around in your chest. That's exactly what it feels like. If that's the case, I suppose it would be better to have a heart of stone. You don't have to carry around so much with you. You'd feel lighter. Oh, the places my mind goes when it's not doing anything....

As I write this, I feel strange. There was an eclipse today, the first New Moon of 2019. I don't know if that means something but an eerie calm has come over me. A sort of peace. A feeling that anything could happen - the world could end tomorrow - and I'd still know everything is going to be okay. And I'm ready for it. I can't describe it but I know it's true somehow. I don't really know what's happening to me. Anyway, I'm putting both the Beatles version and the GiaC version so you can hear the differences between the styles. Enjoy!

Girl in a Coma Version

The Beatles Version

January Theme - "Under the Covers"

Just a short post for today - as you might've guessed, I'll be doing cover versions of songs for January. As I mentioned in the previous post, I'm trying to use my very limited amount of writing time more effectively so, during January, I'll be prioritizing some of my other writing projects. That doesn't mean I'm abandoning this blog entirely - I'll just be posting considerably less than I have been. But, since covers are a good way of exploring different genres and artists, I intend to pack a lot more musical history into this month than usual. Don't worry - I'll try to limit myself to one Beatles song....but I won't make any promises.

To be fair, they were all high as fuck while recording this album
so we can't really fault Ringo for writing "Octopus's Garden"

"Across the Universe" by The Beatles

After the emotional/physical/mental/spiritual roller coaster that was the last 4-6 months, my body finally gave out on me. I have a tendency to do this to myself - I will work myself to death for weeks or months on a project - sleeping little, eating less - and once I've achieved what I needed to do, I get really sick for like a day and a half. I used to spend 12 hours a day at school when I was a teenager - starting with 0 period and ending with either choir or theatre practice (sometimes both). Now, I realize I was spending so much time at school as a way to escape a less than ideal home life, but back then, I just thought I was dedicated to my craft. And without fail, after the big performance was over, I'd collapse and I'd find myself alone with my thoughts. Again. This time, while I was delicately calculating exactly how much acetaminophen I could ingest before my liver failed, I had an epiphany. I need to let go of any semblance of control I have and just ride this out. Faith is believing in something without proof it exists. You can't have faith if you're trying to control the outcome. I know logically I'm not going to die of this cold but do I really believe that? It's really scary to know you don't have any control over some things, like how quickly your body recovers from the latest disease your toddler brought home. But it's also kind of freeing at the same time.

As Zen as all these musings are, in my NyQuil induced haze, I still wished for a small dose of comfort. I wanted someone to hug me or stroke my hair. You know...."mom" stuff. The Husband isn't good at that sort of thing. On the rare occasion I'm desperate enough to ask, he always complains and then he doesn't do it right, even when I give him specific instructions. I forget sometimes that this - nurturing, reaching out and caring for someone when they aren't feeling their best - is a skill. And it's a skill that I find most people struggle with. I feel like I've been a "mom" since I was 8 years old, so maybe I just learned it earlier than most people. And don't get me wrong, I like being able to make people feel a little better, but I struggle with being resentful when they can't do the same for me. I came to the realization a couple of weeks ago that I give far more than I get back. And I sat back and asked myself how that makes me feel. Do I feel used? Do I feel resentful? Do I feel like holding back as punishment? After some thought, I decided that I don't feel any of that because that's just who I am. I give everything and it would be silly to expect the same in return because some people just don't have the same capacity as I do.

But still, in my low moments, I want something comforting. So I look to myself - and usually I find that something comforting in music. Especially in "Across the Universe." The Beatles wrote "Across the Universe" after the initial madness of the British Invasion, when they found the materialism and hedonism too overwhelming. During this time, John Lennon got really into Transcendental Meditation and Eastern philosophy. Transcendental Meditation usually involves sitting and repeating a mantra in your head for about 15-20 minutes. John put one of his mantras into the song as part of the chorus. "Jai guru deva om" which, literally translated, means "Glory to the shining remover of the darkness." Even more roughly translated, you could interpret it to mean "Glory to God" or something similar. But in many of these traditions that emphasize meditation, God is nothing more than the energy that holds the universe together, which is how I have come to understand it. I try to let that idea permeate my life. When I feel angry or disappointed with someone, I remind myself that we're all connected and I let that feeling go. Sometimes I hold on for a little bit, maybe longer than I should, but ultimately, I release it because it doesn't serve me.

Sounds of laughter, shades of earth are ringing

Through my open ears inciting and inviting me.

Limitless, undying love, which shines around me like a million suns,

And calls me on and on across the universe.

If you've tried meditating, the point is not to keep your mind completely empty, but to acknowledge the thoughts and let them pass as you focus on a singular point. Like a mantra or your breathing. John Lennon is essentially narrating his experience as he meditates. Thoughts drift in and out of his mind. Feelings bubble up and then simmer down. Light and darkness come and flow away into nothingness. But he's there, in that moment, and nothing is going to change his world.

"Across the Universe" Video

It's Summer, Bitches!

Merry Belated Litha, y'all! Yep, it's that time of year again. School is out, beaches are crowded, and some of the best songs of the year are being released. I've combed the interwebs and my own memory to bring you my top 5 Summer Songs. Some of them are officially on professional lists of the best songs of the season....and some are not. However, they all mean something to me so I hope you enjoy them. Just a quick warning - I am going to get quite rant-y, in many directions, so keep up!

5. "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Ray Jepson

"Call Me Maybe" came out in the Summer of 2012. You know how I remember that? Because it was an election year and some asshole made a parody of Obama on the campaign trail. That summer, I was volunteering for Ron Barber's special election campaign. He was running to take over for Gabby Gifford's seat, because on January 8th of that year, some asshole shot up a "Congress on Your Corner" event in Tucson. I'll never forget where I was when that happened. He murdered 8 people (including a friend's cousin) and injured several others, including Giffords and Barber. I know that took a dark turn, but it's background. Let's get back to that summer.

Anyway, I volunteered for the Barber campaign. I most remember the guy who ran the local Democratic office because he would always give me shit about stuff....mostly my clothes and the fact that I wouldn't register Democrat. "Why do your jeans have holes in them?" "Why don't you wear more clothes?" "Why are you still an Independent? Choose a side!" No. I'm still an Independent because, like George Washington, I believe that parties are the worst thing for this country. Honestly, if you removed the "R" or "D" next to candidates' names, most people wouldn't know who they were voting for. It would be chaos and I think that might actually be good for this country. But I digress. Sure, he gave me a lot of shit, but he also seemed genuinely impressed that I actually talked to people and tried to understand what they thought was important about the person they were voting for. Because it is important. I may not have talked to the most people but I like to think I changed the most minds when I called.

Back to the song - go ahead and judge me, but I really like "Call Me Maybe." It's cute, it's fun, and it's young, which makes it the perfect song for Summer. The video is pretty funny, too. Carly is trying to get the attention of her cute neighbor (who is HOT and just my type) but he's pretty oblivious. Well, we find out at the end of the song - to Carly's chagrin - that Hot Neighbor is gay/bisexual and he would rather fuck her guitarist. That's fair. The guitarist is also pretty cute.

"Call Me Maybe" Video

4. "Here Comes the Sun" by The Beatles

I know this isn't particularly original or interesting, but "Abbey Road" is my favorite Beatles album. It's very clear they wrote it while they were on drugs, which makes the sound totally unique. Also, some of their craziest songs are on there. "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" is a personal favorite - it's upbeat but it's about a serial killer. Yeah....I'm....odd, sometimes. Some of my other favorites include "Oh Darling!" and "Something." The latter in particular reminds me of my parents. "Something in the way she moves/Attracts me like no other lover/Something in the way she moves me/I don't want to leave her now/You know I believe and how?" I'm going to stop there, because that song deserves its own post. Needless to say, I believe true love exists because I know how my dad feels about my mom. Sappy indeed, but I don't care.

Another favorite on the album is "I Want You (She's so heavy)." The lyrics are pretty simple - it's mostly just Paul singing "I want you" several times - but the instrumental piece is so dark and luxurious, it kind of pulls you in. It's supposed to feel like a heroine trip - or like if you are lying in an opium den, which I think the Beatles did quite often when this song was written. My dad told me once that Paul was singing to a cheeseburger but I think he was just fucking with me. Anyway, after you get trapped in the thick fabric of this song, "Abbey Road" pulls you back out of the depths with "Here Comes the Sun," which is so chipper, you forget you were drowning in bass guitar only moments ago. I have fond memories of "Abbey Road" because we'd always listen to it at least one time through when my dad picked me up from college for breaks (I didn't drive back then). I definitely know this album like the back of my hand but it's one I could probably listen to over and over. There aren't many albums like that - most only have one or two good songs - so take some time to do some listening. For your musical education, of course.

"Here Comes the Sun" Video

3. "California Girls" by The Beach Boys

I'm a California Girl - I have the birth certificate to prove it! Okay, I only lived there like a month after I was born but I do like the state for small bursts. Not to live there, of course - it's too expensive. But I always enjoyed our visits to LA and San Diego because I love - LOVE - the beach. This song posits that the girls from California are prettier. Honestly, I feel like I'm a California 7, but it's a nice idea. Just for reference, a California 10 is like the hottest a girl can be, so I'm probably being overly generous to myself. However, it makes sense that California Girls would be the prettiest, since that's where the majority of our film, music, and modeling industry is. Marilyn was from California and she was stunning, even before they got to her with the peroxide. My favorite picture of Norma Jean is one of her earlier modeling photographs, when she still had her red hair. She standing on the beach...she has her hands up near her face and she's just smiling at the camera. Here, I found it....

Norma Jean Baker

It's so innocent, like she doesn't have a care in the world. Of course, we know she did. She was the poster child for Borderline Personality Disorder and what we know about her life has helped me to understand more about what has happened in mine. She wrote poetry, you know. I've read some of it - it was quite good. It makes me kind of sad, because she felt like she was worthless without her looks but she wasn't. Norma was really beautiful inside, it's just that no one really bothered to see it. I didn't really mean to rant about Marilyn for this song - it just sort of turned out that way. However, I think that's where I needed to go so I'm gonna leave it.

"California Girls" Video

2. "Despacito (Remix)" by Luis Fonsi & Daddy Yankee (feat. Justin Bieber)

This was last year's Song of the Summer. It's kind of ridiculous. Personally, I only understand the Justin Bieber part and the bridge. Because I never learned Spanish, despite living in the Southwest for a good portion of my life. I make bad life choices - one of those choices was getting a degree in French. But hey, if you ever need someone to let you know if they've translated the French parts of American movies correctly, I'm your girl. Anyway, my older sister loves this song. She had it on repeat the whole time we visited North Padre Island last year....and I didn't mind it. Neither did the baby, but he's inherited my weird taste in music.

If you remember, "Despacito" was banned in Malaysia for being to racy. Which made me curious as to what I'm singing along to....so I looked up the English translation to find out. And - holy shit! - I think Malaysia might have had a reason to ban it....and I'm generally against banning stuff. Basically, "Despacito" (which means "slowly" in Spanish) is about Luis Fonsi telling some girl how he's going to make slow, sweet love to her. The Spanish lyrics include lines like, "I want to see how much love fits in you" (Oh my!) and "Let me trespass your danger zones/Until I make you scream" (Whew...is it hot in here?) It makes the actual English lyrics in the remix sound tame. I highly doubt Puerto Rican girls scream "Ay Bandito!" when they orgasm....but, to be fair, I'm not Puerto Rican, so I'm not the expert here. Whatever. The song is catchy as hell and I was super excited to hear it in the radio playlist again.

"Despacito (Remix)" Video

1. "The Boys of Summer" by Don Henley (as sung by The Ataris)

The Ataris cover of "The Boys of Summer" is probably my most favorite cover ever. They update the lyrics slightly to make it current. Instead of a "Dead Head sticker on a Cadillac," it's a Black Flag sticker. And that's the extent of it....she still wears Wayfarers, not Oakleys or some shit like that. The Don Henley version of this song is the 5th best Summer song according to music critics, so I feel like putting it at number 1 on my list is accurate.

The lyrics tell a story, but not like how country songs tell a story. It's more subtle. You start with this boy who is in love with a girl. Perhaps a little obsessed (he's driving past her house at like midnight...) but clearly he wasn't ready for it to end, so that's understandable. I imagine it was a summer fling and I think her family must have a summer home in this lake town, where this boy is a local. Depending on how you imagine the lyrics, either he's remembering the summer fling and she's not actually around anymore. Or you can imagine it how I do - she actually lives in town and he sees her everyday, flirting with all the "boys of summer" when they come to town. I think that version is more tragic. Essentially, we see the narrator going back and forth throughout the various stages of grief for the end of his relationship. Confusion ("I don't understand what happened to our love"), Denial ("But, baby, I'm gonna get you back/Gonna show you what I'm made of"), and then briefly touching on Acceptance ("Those days are gone forever/I should just let 'em go") before plummeting back into Depression for the last chorus. Man, it really is kind of a sad song. I hope Don Henley eventually got over this girl....because it sounds like he needs a hug. Including both versions of the song, because they are both excellent.

The Ataris Version

Don Henley Version

Song du Jour -- Today calls for the Beatles

Revolution

by The Beatles

As you may know, happening right now in Manhattan is Occupy Wall Street, an Anonymous Ops event/protest.  I only watched a few minutes of the live feed on AnonOps but, considering how many people are out there today in support and the need for police forces to be out, I find it oddly suspicious that none of the major news networks are covering it.  Sure, they have a little bit in the ticker saying that a protest is going on but this thing is becoming global.  It is news, so they should be covering it, rather than devoting time to Scarlett Johannson's nude pictures and Brad Pitt's failed marriage--if for no other reason than it's far more interesting and relevant.  And if things become violent, it could become bad news--really bad news.  I may disagree with alot of the methods Anonymous has used to gain attention for their cause, but I'm still interested in how far this will go.  Ignoring it won't make it go away.  In fact, it might even make things worse, because it might seem that the media--who usually claim to be on the side of truth -- is trying to alienate protesters. 

Perhaps there is a reason for the dearth of coverage -- perhaps CNN, Fox, and MSNBC only do fluff pieces on the weekend....or maybe their bosses just don't want them getting deep into the fray.  The point is that my generation is hopping mad and the economy sucks and the government is essentially non-functioning at this point for many reasons.  I could go into all the historical data on why a revolution in America isn't so far-fetched right now but that would be a long rant and I want to get to the song du jour, which features the always appropriate Beatles.  They have a song for f*cking everything, don't they?  And it's reminiscent of the "Make Love, Not War" times that defined a decade.  For my part, I'll be at the Bisbee Blues Fest, supporting music and community togetherness.