"Lullaby" by Shawn Mullins

An oldie but a goody. This song showed up in my music video mix recently. Another one of my comfort zones - late 90s soft rock. This song came out in 1998, over two decades ago. I've been feeling a little nostalgic lately. Maybe nostalgic isn't the word, but just reflective over the past decade.  Random memories keep flooding in - things I haven't thought about in years. As they come up, I just try to make peace with them and let it go. It's not something that's easy for me to do - I have an excellent memory and a mind that tends to dwell and over-analyze on things well past their expiration date. According to Wikipedia, this song is about a girl who is feeling depressed as she contemplates her own mortality and how her life has gone so far, as she slowly succumbs to addiction. Yep. Super cheery. To be honest, tonight is a throw-away song and I'm running out of songs that I don't have a rant brewing for. Some of the rants are super long and I just want to chill and watch a movie tonight. Because I never get to watch movies anymore and I love watching movies.

She still lives with her mom

Outside the city

Down that street about a half a mile

And all her friends tell her

She's so pretty

But she'd be a whole lot prettier

If she smiled once in a while

`cause even her smile

Looks like a frown

She's seen her share of devils

In this angel town

I remember a game we played in my 9th grade social studies class as an icebreaker. It was a BINGO type game where you had to find a person that fit the description in each box and they had to sign their name next to the description - things like "Owns a dog" and "Can play an instrument." There was a box that had "Watches 5 movies a week" and that's the one I usually signed my name in when people came up to me. After the 20 minutes or so the teacher gave us to play the game, she went through all the squares, asking who was the most common person who signed for each of the descriptions. When she got to the movie question, she scoffed and said, "if someone watches 5 movies a week, they don't have a life." I remember being so crushed and embarrassed. I felt like I was such a weirdo and wanted to disappear. Now that I think of it, it's not weird. Most movies take about 2 hours and the average American watches like 4 hours of television a day. At least I was watching art instead of reality TV. When my dad was home - and he was deployed for most of my high school career, so this wasn't often - we'd watch something on Turner Classic Movies almost every day. I've probably seen basically every WWII film made in the 60s. Everything with Audrey and Marilyn. Most films starring John Wayne. Now that I'm older, I'm aware that other people share my interests, but back then, it was just another reason why I didn't fit in. More than anything now, I'm aware of how much impact a judgmental comments can make on people, even if we think it's just a throwaway comment. There's this question floating around Astrology Twitter and I was struggling to think of a response - What's your Venus sign and what's your biggest pet peeve regarding people? I think I've figured it out, though. Venus in Cancer and I dislike when people say mean things about others because they think it makes them look cool. Ironically, it's something I used to do a lot when I was younger. I'm not proud of it but at least I understand that tearing down others comes from a place of insecurity. I can work on not being insecure - I have been working on it.

Fun fact: Angelina Jolie also has Venus in Cancer. And she's a Cancer Rising. Which makes sense because she has such big Mom energy. You have to have a big heart to choose to care for that many children, half of which are adopted. Of course, it should've been pretty obvious when she started wearing a vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck. Also, getting married after like a week and tattooing his name on her arm. Sounds like Cancer shenanigans to me - and I've had my fair share of Cancer shenanigans. Scorpio Venus doesn't have the market cornered on being intense when it comes to Love and Romance - to be honest, all the water signs are pretty fucking crazy.

"Lullaby" Video

"Lullaby" by The Spill Canvas

My insomnia is back with a vengeance, which is why I'm up at 3am writing. Better than laying in bed thinking, although I'm not sure keeping a public record of my half-baked thoughts is always wise. I also end up spending even more time looking for songs that are sweet and slow and do nothing to help me fall asleep. This is one of those songs. It doesn't help me sleep because I want to hear every word - I like to pretend he's singing to me. Ironically, it's named "Lullaby" but it fails as one.

As I've said before, I have too many favorite songs but I think this one might be top 10. If I had to rank my favorites, which I'd be loathe to do. I discovered The Spill Canvas during my heavy emo days, mostly because they have a lot of good "she left me for a Chad" songs. I'm pretty sure all their songs are about the same girl who broke the lead singer's heart. This is one of the few where he's like "she's an angel and I'm going to be with her forever." Poor guy. For the longest time, I thought this girl must be really beautiful and amazing (she "puts the sun to shame" in the lyrics) if he wrote a song like this about her. Now, I'm starting to realize that she's probably just an ordinary girl that he thinks is absolutely perfect.

I remember one time I was in Hastings (which is closed now....it was the only bookstore in my "home town" and now they really are dependent on Amazon for books and other good stuff) and there was this couple who were canoodling in the Horror/Sci-Fi/Fantasy section (which was my haunting ground, because it was also near the New Age/Witchcraft books). The girl was on the heavier side and I didn't think she was particularly pretty, but I thought her boyfriend was pretty attractive. I said something snarky to my dad - probably like, "how did she get a guy like that?" You know what my dad told me? It's not all about looks, Jess. That day, I realized two things - 1) I was an incredibly shallow person and, 2) I was obsessed with looks because I was insecure about myself. And when you're insecure about yourself, you have a tendency to not see the beauty in other people, because it makes you feel inferior. I don't do that anymore. If I see a couple, my first reaction now is "aww! how cute!" - not "man, that bitch looks fat in that dress." This switch in mindset also coincided with me not hating on myself as much. I think I'm happier for it.

My favorite part of this song is the bridge:

While you were sleeping, I figured out everything

I was constructed for you and you were molded for me.

Now I feel your name coursin' through my veins.

You shine so bright, it's insane, you put the sun to shame.

That's an intense amount of feelings to have about a person. It reminds me of a quote from the movie "Juno":  "...the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you - the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass." This is the advice Juno's dad gives her and it's pretty sound. And, whoever Nick Thomas is singing about, it's pretty clear he thinks the sun shines out her ass and then some. How sweet. 

"Lullaby" Video