"Cry Baby" by Melanie Martinez

This song was on the Cancer playlist, which I've been listening to a lot, and I woke up with it stuck in my head this morning. The joke is that Cancers are cry babies but, to be honest, I've had friends who literally told me that they thought I was incapable of crying. The husband has only seen me cry once - and that was when my best friend (whom I had known for 7 years) left El Paso for San Francisco, which was nearly a decade ago. But I'll tell you a secret - I cry a lot more than people think. It occurred to me the other day that I probably have cried more in the past year than I have in my entire life....and I actually think that might be a good thing for me. Being stone-faced and hard was my defense mechanism for dealing with the chaos of my youth. I had to be strong for my sisters, for my family, and pretend I could handle shit on my own (which I can - I'm the fucking best at doing shit on my own). I'm the "Pillar of Strength" that they needed. I always have been. And I know from experience how manipulative tears can be and I don't want to be manipulative. I don't want to force anyone to do anything just to make me happy. Unfortunately, I've found that the stereotype that women turn on the water works when they want something has an uncomfortable ring of truth to it. So I've become very adept at hiding when I do cry but - and I think this is the most disappointing thing I've learned in my life - is that I don't have to try that hard to hide it. People will just straight up ignore anything that makes them uncomfortable. Noticing that someone has been crying makes it feel like you should do something and I don't think anyone really feels like they're good at comforting others. So they don't. Ironically, eliciting community support is one of the primary reasons why we cry for emotional reasons. That's modern society for ya.

Now, you'd think I'd be concerned but I'm not, because I know the symptoms of depression and am relieved to say that I don't really have the hopelessness and lack of interest that comes along with a major depressive episode. On the contrary, I actually feel pretty hopeful and have a renewed sense of purpose. I researched this seriously when I chose this song and it turns out it's really healthy to cry on a regular basis - and that actively repressing the urge to cry may be more damaging to your mental health. Most people cry on average a few times a month, for various reasons. It's important to remember that there's a reason why we developed crying as a response to emotional stimulus. It releases hormones that make us feel better. It's a cathartic release for stress and frustration at a situation. And, as I've already mentioned, it elicits an empathetic reaction from our loved ones that encourages communal bonding. All good things.

You seem to replace

Your brain with your heart

You take things so hard

And then you fall apart

You try to explain

But before you can start

Those cry baby tears

Come out of the dark

I bring it up because I've been crying for some of the most bizarre reasons and my ability to hold back has faltered. For example, I was straight up bawling while watching "You've Got Mail" this weekend. Watching a Meg Ryan movie was supposed to make me feel better after such a stressful week! And even though I've watched that movie more times than any sane person would, I still found myself getting excited during the Meet-Cute, weeping during the moments when Meg and Tom (Hanks) are feeling the most alone, and bouncing in my seat like a child when she finally realizes that the pen pal she fell in love with is also the business rival who befriended her (after destroying her business). Oh, my heart! Of course, this was just a natural evolution. My capacity to contain my tears while watching movies has diminished greatly over the past decade and especially in the past few years (I blame the "mommy" hormones). Weeping on the couch over a cup of chai tea was always going to happen one day. I hate being predictable but, in some ways, I feel like I'm the most predictable person in the world. This was one of those moments.

And yet, there are also those unpredictable moments, when hearing someone else's experience strikes something in my heart that I didn't expect. On some unfortunate occasions, those moments hit when I'm walking on a public street. Recently, I was listening to "The Astrology Podcast" interview with Sabrina Monarch, where they were talking about evolutionary astrology and North-South nodes in a person's chart (a topic that was popping up so much in my periphery that I had no choice but be drawn to it). Sabrina was talking about what she called her "spiritual awakening" and how that, because others didn't understand what was happening to her, she was diagnosed as bipolar. Even though she didn't have the typical symptoms of Bipolar Disorder. That hit me because, when I first started studying psychology, I was extremely concerned that I had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and/or Bipolar Disorder, like my mom. Coincidentally, this was the main reason I was absolutely terrified when I found out I was pregnant with my son, even though I've always known I wanted to have children. I'm not, though. I've been to enough therapists to know that I would've been diagnosed by now. My late teens/early 20s - when my emotional highs and lows were particularly intense - were just a chaotic time in my life and I reacted accordingly, given what I knew at the time. Lately, I've been feeling that same out-of-control feeling and Sabrina's story helped to ground me a little. I'm not crazy (even though it feels like it), I'm just going through a really intense period of my life and I'm meant to feel it. Because if I don't allow myself to feel it (like I tried to do in my 20s), it will just get worse. I think framing it as a "spiritual awakening" and leaning into the more esoteric topics I'm interested in - like meditation, astrology, and yogic/tantric studies - helps a lot, too. Mostly because those philosophies focus a lot on reducing stress in the body and being in touch with your inner knowing. In Psychology, we just call that shit "coping mechanisms."

You're all on your own and

You lost all your friends

You told yourself that

It's not you, it's them

You're one of a kind

And no one understands

But those cry baby tears

Keep coming back again

Largely due to her experiences with the intersection of psychology and spirituality, Sabrina Monarch started a podcast called "The Magic of the Spheres." I took the time to listen to her interview with Jason Holley, a psychotherapist who incorporates natal chart readings into his practice. I find his approach to therapy enlightening, because it emphasizes that people and their personalities are constantly changing. He also uses astrology as a way to get away from the more clinical language, which turns a lot of people away. They don't want to be diagnosed. They don't want the stigma of being a narcissist or a borderline or a depressive person. And he'd argue that those aren't stable parts of the personality, only processes that the psyche gets stuck in when something inhibits the person's growth. It makes an extremely complex situation understandable for the layperson and, even as someone who has a (useless) degree in the subject, I found that his perspective opened up my mind in the way I thought of mental illness. I also liked how he used his knowledge of a person's chart to make a connection to his patients, to meet them on their level and morph his behavior to where he shows up in the way that will help his patients the most. I think that's extremely important for a therapist to do because, if you are cold and clinical, your patient isn't going to show up more than once or twice (unless it's court-mandated or you're the only psychologist in town). You could be the most knowledgeable psychologist in the world but if someone isn't comfortable confiding in you, in trusting you, you won't be able to help them. Therapy is a lot about breaking down walls - you can't be like everyone else the person has met in their life.

In summation, I am a cry baby...and I don't fucking care.

"Cry Baby" Video