"Raising Hell" by Kesha feat. Big Freedia

I started today with this song. Kesha dropped this single just a few weeks ago and it has the sort of optimistic message I can get behind. In the lyrics, Kesha acknowledges that - yes, she's a mess - but she's survived the hard shit and she's happy now. And she intends to stay happy. (Same, girl. Same.) This is exactly the kind of song you listen to when you're getting ready for a Girls Night (if you're lucky enough to do such things). In fact, most of Kesha's music is like that - one of the reasons why I originally liked her style. Needless to say, I started this day off feeling pretty damn good and then was promptly reminded that I'm quite a mess myself. Which then led to me being reminded about how many people care about me. So, even if I'm a klutz sometimes, I'm also a pretty lucky bitch. I'll spare the details but I will say the situation was super embarrassing (but the witnesses got a good story to tell their friends!). And I may or may not be wearing a compression bandage to care for one of the various injuries I sustained. Good thing I don't take myself that seriously.

It's been a few days so let's get into our weekly dose of exploring my chart. Uranus is currently tearing up my 12th House, the House of Secrets and Hidden Things. Of the Unconscious, Self-undoing, and Imprisonment. It's associated with psychology, intuition/psychic ability, and dreams. It's also the House most closely linked to karma, our past lives, and our Destiny. I've been contemplating this lately and who I've become in the last year or so since Uranus entered Taurus. I used to keep a lot of things to myself - I am a very secretive and private person by nature, but it was also that I was kind of ashamed of a lot of things. Ashamed of the psychological issues that plagued myself and my family. Ashamed of the things that interested me - interests that a "smart girl" shouldn't even consider. Afraid that people would find out too much about me and not like me. Or worse....feel sorry for me. In the last year, though, I've become a lot more open with people - not just family and close friends, but also coworkers I consider part of my circle of trust. You know what I've found? The more honest and open I am, the more people seem to like me. It's weird. I used to really worry about bringing up topics that I'm deeply interested in - like the occult, sexuality, serial killers, horror/paranormal stuff, transhumanism, burlesque/pinup culture, fashion, etc - because I was worried what others would think if they found out I knew so much about this stuff. Slowly, though, all my fucks keeping falling away and I feel lighter for it. And I have good conversations pretty much every day. For example, one of my coworkers watched this Ted talk about evaluating the Psychopath Test and he thought about me. Not because I'm a psychopath but because he knew it's something I would enjoy, so he shared it. And that's the crux of it. Genuine connection grows in an environment where all parties feel free to be themselves. In a way, choosing authenticity for yourself encourages others to also be authentic. It's a good thing.

I'm all fucked up in my Sunday best

No walk-of-shame 'cause I love this dress

Hungover, heart of gold, holy mess

Doin' my best, bitch, I'm blessed

Oh, if you couldn't tell

We can always find the trouble, we don't need no help

Singing oh, mama raised me well

But I don't wanna go to Heaven without raising hell

It seems like all the podcasts I'm listening to keep bringing up Taurus for some reason, probably the Uranus transit. It's fun to listen to because my son's a Taurus - and he's turning out to be a very stereotypical one, too. All the information continues to color in the bigger picture. Anyway, Uranus is in Taurus until 2026, so what sort of craziness is in store for me? Well, the 12th House is the House of Imprisonment and Uranus is the planet that wants to shake things free. I foresee a lot more reliance on my intuition, possibly discovering and expanding on any natural psychic abilities (or maybe just trusting them, for once). Perhaps a renewed interest in psychology. Obviously, my 12th House is ruled by Taurus so it might have a lot to do with striving to embody the good qualities of that sign - like sensuality, determination, generosity, and abundance. Especially embodying a more grounded form of spirituality. It might involve trying to balance my karma or resolving issues from past lives (because I do believe in those things). There's lot to unpack in the 12th House. We'll have to see what unfolds over the next 6 years.

I've also been hearing more about embodiment therapy and somatic psychology. Both of these have to do with attuning to our senses and reconnecting to our body as part of the healing process. It's about literally "feeling" your feelings. Which makes sense - repressed emotions can lead to various health problems. The most obvious are addictions, but others can surface as gastrointestinal issues, breathing problems, body aches, a low immune system - I could go on but as I was listing things, I realized that I'm just going to list everything. Because the body is a holistic system - if one thing is off, it starts a cascade that slowly breaks down the whole chain. That's why stress management is so important. I know I'm rambling at this point but I can't help but hear the clicks starting to connect in my brain as a picture begins to form. More to come.

"Raising Hell" Video

"Praying" by Kesha

"Praying" signaled Kesha's re-entry to the music scene, after a long, excruciating battle with Sony and Dr. Luke for the rights to perform her own music. I'm sure everyone knows what happened but in case you don't, I'll briefly explain. Kesha was really young when Dr. Luke signed her to his label, Kemosabe Records, which is owned by Sony Entertainment. Through her work, she created her music persona, Ke$ha, and quickly started churning out chart toppers. Behind the scenes, though, it wasn't as rosy and in 2014, she checked into rehab for bulimia nervosa. Later in the year, after she had recovered, she sued Dr. Luke for sexual assault, sexual harassment, and various other things. Unfortunately, it's quite common in the entertainment industry for young people to be exploited in exchange for dreams of stardom. It's not unique - I think, as humans, we have a tendency to let others exploit our weaknesses for far longer than we think we would, just for a taste of something we desire so much. Sometimes, we get strong enough to realize we deserve better than how someone is treating us.

Forgiveness is a never-ending journey. There are some people I have to forgive daily. And, if that doesn't work, every hour. It's hard to accept some things that can never be changed. Occasionally, you get the opportunity to forgive someone in person, but most of the time, you just have to do it for yourself. For example, I have to accept that I will never have a happy childhood. Aside for some short periods, it was lonely and painful and scary. And I can't change that. But I can be grateful for the people that made it a little easier, who took me in when I had nowhere else to go. I can be grateful for the teachers who made me feel smarter and more talented than I think I am. And I can be grateful for the person the hard times turned me into. I'm dedicated to being the mother I wished I had growing up. In many ways, I already was, even before I had my son. I genuinely love taking care of people and being someone they can turn to if they need help. I've learned a great deal of compassion and patience. My friends sometimes ask me why I didn't cut my mom out of my life. Believe me, I wanted to....but it's hard for me to give up on people. I have a tendency to give second, third, and fourth chances, even when I know I shouldn't. That's something I've had to learn to forgive myself for, thinking that forgiveness means letting people continue with their bad behavior. That's the other hard lesson about forgiveness - it doesn't mean that you don't hold people accountable for the things they've done. I'm certain Kesha has forgiven Dr. Luke, but she was right to take him to court.

You brought the flames and you put me through hell

I had to learn how to fight for myself

And we both know all the truth I could tell

I'll just say this is "I wish you farewell"

I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin'

I hope your soul is changin', changin'

I hope you find your peace

Falling on your knees, prayin'

Ah sometimes, I pray for you at night, oh

Someday, maybe you'll see the light

Whoa oh oh oh, some say, in life, you're gonna get what you give

But some things only God can forgive

It may come as a shock to nobody, but I actually pray quite a lot. Silently, before every meal (although I forget sometimes, because I'm hungry). Occasionally, in the morning and before I go to sleep. And especially when The Husband's driving (because his aggressive habits really terrify me, sometimes). I do pray for others, like my friends and family, especially if I know they're going through a hard time. I know some people don't think it's worth doing, because they don't think anyone is listening. And that may be true - I don't know and I don't claim to. But when there's literally nothing you can do, praying feels like at least you're doing something, even if it's only sending good thoughts into the ether. It calms me down when I'm nervous, as does talking through my thoughts. I'm sure I probably look and sound like a crazy person, but at this point in my life, I don't really care anymore. There are many ways to find inner peace - mine happens to be through words, both spoken (or sung) and written.

Lately, my son has been mimicking "Kung Fu Panda" and he'll sit in a little meditation pose or put his hands together like he's praying. It's the sweetest thing I've ever seen, because he always has this mischievous little smile, like he's having so much fun. And that's when I'm really grateful for the lessons in those movies. I don't want him to learn them the hard way if he doesn't have to. Coincidentally, I watched the last episode of "Mad Men" last night. I'd been putting it off for a long time - nearly two years - because I didn't want the series to end. But after watching it, I'm really glad I waited. If I had watched it two years ago, I probably would have found it weird and unsatisfying (like many other viewers did). However, having grown so much in the last couple years, I could appreciate where Don Draper finally ended up. After many mistakes and pushing everyone he loved away, he finally embarks on his own quest for inner peace. Better late than never.

Just a few notes on the song and its video - this song always kind of chokes me up when I hear it on the radio. The video is overly artsy and starts with a dialogue of Kesha, talking about how hard things are in life. It's Kesha, so of course everything is vividly colored, and there's a liberal amount of sparkles and glitter. Not gonna lie - after watching this video, I desperately wanted to go out and buy a used prie dieu (which means, "pray to god" in French and is basically a little bench you use to kneel and pray) that I could refurbish with colorful paint and rhinestones. I know - that's semi-sacrilegious but it's gonna happen one day. I've already decided on it.

"Praying" Video

"Good Old Days" by Macklemore feat. Kesha

After 12 hours in airports and on airplanes, I'm finally home. Colorado Springs was nice and maybe I'll visit again someday but right now, I'm glad to be back. But I tell you, I made a point to have some adventures. Even though I was on my own - and it's weird having adventures by yourself. You start thinking about who you wish you could be sharing them with. You spend a lot of time in your head....but, honestly, I needed that alone time. Cue "Good Old Days" on the radio....

This song is about being grateful for what you have now and enjoying where you are now. Looking back on on the memories and being happy they happened. And taking time while you're young to realize how lucky you are. How lucky I am. I've been trying to do that more - to be present in the moment and not worry that I don't have more because I have so much already. Being appreciative for the people in my life and the time I get to spend with them, even though it doesn't seem to be enough sometimes. And most of all, being good to myself and not worrying so much about life. I'm trying to not have so many goddamn existentialist crises, as fun as they are. When I started getting lonely on this trip, I heard this song and remembered that it was the Universe telling me to stop being so melancholic and to do something fun. Speaking of which, those adventures in Colorado Springs....

I'm pretty sure I almost died. I had made a plan to go see the Broadmoor Seven Falls on what was supposed to be my last day in Colorado. Well, it started off alright. Google Maps took me to the base of the mountains, in a pretty nice area. This part of Colorado Springs is very similar to Old Town Bisbee - narrow, winding roads interspersed with rich people's houses. That's when things went a little sideways. As you may be aware, Google Maps does not do well when you go off the beaten trail - which is where I had to go....or thought I had to go. I came to this dirt road that went up the mountain and I figured that's where I needed to be. Dear friends, this became the second most terrifying drive that I've ever done. This dirt road was barely one car wide in some places - and, yes, there were people coming down while I was going up. And on most of the way up, there was a sheer vertical drop on one side. Just for reference, I was in a Nissan Rogue, which is not a small, agile car. About a mile in, I was thinking that I definitely was not in the right place but there was no place to turn around. But I made a decision - I was going to follow this road wherever it led. Because I wanted an adventure and I was granted one.

I drove up this road for like 30 minutes, or approximately 9 miles. It was fun and really scary at the same time, but I knew I'd be okay because I'm a good driver and I've done steep mountain roads before. Sure, I went a little slow sometimes, which really annoyed the 12-passenger van behind me. Eventually they passed me when the road got wide enough. Finally, I found a place to park and thought I'd just walk around and see if there were any trails. It was beautiful, though - it smelled like pine, spruce, dirt, and fresh air. It smelled green, which is one of my favorite smells.

I started walking up the road, enjoying nature. And then I started thinking. I'm a small woman walking alone in the - capital W - Wilderness. I'm not exactly an outdoorsy girl but I knew enough from Girl Scouts that this probably wasn't the smartest idea I've ever had. That's when I heard what I thought was the growling of a mountain lion. It's the Colorado mountains - of course there's mountain lions, bears, and all sorts of other critters. I decided to cut my "hike" short and go back to my car. 

When I got back, there was this lady looking at the scenery. We got to talking (she was from Odessa, TX...small world!) and she told me that the Seven Falls closed at 2pm that day. I didn't even leave my hotel until 2pm because I was finishing up with the conference. Clearly, the Seven Falls wasn't happening this trip, but she suggested going to Garden of the Gods which was open until 7pm. The ride down the mountain was a lot more enjoyable - I even did over the speed limit in some places. Trying to make up for lost time. Anyway, I got to Garden of the Gods and I had two trails I could follow. One was paved and circled the park without going through any brush, and the other was a dirt trail that went into the heart of a wooded area and was marked with a "Beware of Rattlesnakes" sign. Hmm, which to choose? 

Well, I wanted to take the one that would take me into the Great Unknown, which was - unfortunately - the one marked with the "Beware of Rattlesnakes" sign. To quote Indiana Jones, I hate snakes. But I didn't see any on the trail and I was not disappointed with my choice. Garden of the Gods was magnificent and served as an excellent backdrop for me to do some intense journaling. I spent about an hour and a half in the park, just wandering around and taking pictures, before I was too tired to keep walking. And I slept pretty good that night until I got the text from American Airlines saying my flight was cancelled.

Moral of the story: Don't be afraid to do things by yourself. Even if people look at you weird while you scribble furiously in a notebook in the middle of the woods.

Never thought we'd get old, maybe we're still young

Maybe we always look back and think it was better than it was

Maybe these are the moments

Maybe I've been missing what it's about

Been scared of the future, thinking about the past

While missing out on now

We've come so far, I guess I'm proud

And I ain't worried about the wrinkles around my smile

I've got some scars, I've been around

I've felt some pain, I've seen some things, but I'm here now

Those good old days

You don't know, what you've got

Till it goes, till it's gone

You don't know, what you've got

Till it goes, till it's gone

The "Good Old Days" video was shot to make parts of it look like old 70s home movies, which is one of my favorite aesthetics. It follows Kesha and Macklemore meeting up with friends during a camping trip. In the middle of the woods, by a lake. It looks very similar to where I got lost in Colorado but maybe all woods look the same, especially if you have no clue where you are. Anyway, seems like a fun party to be at. I would like to do that some time - just a big old camping trip with some friends. It's been a long time since I've been camping but I do like being out in nature. That's why I prefer to run outside. It makes the pain easier to endure when you're running into a gorgeous sunset or looking at the stars. Anyway, I've ranted at you enough about my exploits. Happy Sunday! Now go have an adventure.

"Good Old Days" Video