"That I Would Be Good" by Alanis Morissette

Today, we have a Full Moon in Cancer. This is a special Full Moon because, not only is the Moon in her home sign, but this is also the first time in about two years when being the Full Moon in Cancer is not being eclipsed. Lunar eclipses are a debilitating transit for the moon, because her light is literally being blocked. As such, eclipses are often associated with times of emotional turmoil and the need to do inner work. Likewise, Cancer is the most closely linked with the idea of unconditional love. Cancer is the sign of mothers and a mother's love is supposed to be unconditional. Unfortunately, there are many of us (too many) who did not have that experience. This is why I'm in favor of people getting counseling before having a baby. Before even getting married, because the desire, or lack thereof, to have children is (or should be) a deal-breaker. Same for a lot of other incompatibility issues, like different core values or life goals. That's where unconditional self-love comes in. Without it, we learn to ignore our intuition (another Cancer theme) in these situations. 

::WARNING:: I am about to get super ranty. The Full Moon is conjunct my natal Mercury Retrograde in Cancer and there's a fullness to my understanding of the lessons 2020 has taught me. Not an excuse, merely an explanation of how events may interact with your chart through observing my own transits. Largely a personal rant - I'm in the process of planning out a more fitting home for this type of content but until then, this is my void to scream into. Consider this Part 1 of my on-going postmortem for 2020. ::END::

I knew something had gone terribly wrong when I stopped praying. Completely stopped for two weeks. Which, it may surprise you, I have never done. My idea of God may have changed, I may have stopped feeling the need to go to church, but I've never lost my hope and faith. Suddenly, it was gone. That's how I knew this was the "abyss" they keep talking about, the one that stares back. And I knew I'd never been here before. I stopped eating - I was only eating about 200-400 calories a day and that was because I knew I was "supposed to" eat. I didn't even drink that much water. The will just wasn't there. I couldn't sleep and when I did, I had terrible nightmares. I was crying multiple times a day. But it was the loss of faith and feeling of disconnection that made me realize that it wasn't manageable. And moreover, that I was making it worse by holding on to behaviors and beliefs that were no longer serving me. When I needed help the most, I found myself almost incapable of asking for what I needed.

That I would be good, even if I did nothing

An influencer who I admire, Anna Akana, does videos that basically discuss the things she's learned on her personal journey. Often, she goes over the things she's taken out of therapy and I really appreciate when influencers do this because it normalizes going to therapy, even when you're not in crisis-mode. Anna did this video in which she confesses she realized she hates herself (or she did at the time of the video - seriously, watch it...it's so good). However, you wouldn't have thought that when looking at her, because she physically takes care of herself, is kind and supportive to her friends, and seems like she has everything together. But, if you could hear the thoughts in her head, she was subjecting herself cruel, hypercritical, abusive statements daily. Things like "that comment was so stupid, why do you even talk?" And, from my perspective on the opposite side of YouTube, I was like "oh god...it's me." I came to that same realization years ago and have been working on it, but as I settled into a major depressive episode, self-hate came back with a vengeance. I grew up in a household where, if one person wasn't happy, no one was happy. That translated into a belief that my happiness (and related feelings, needs, and desires) doesn't matter. Moreover, I needed to suppress my needs and wants in order to make others happy or I would be unsafe/abandoned/neglected. Yes, I have had the thought (on multiple occasions) that I'm just not one of those people who gets to be happy (i.e., I don't deserve to be happy). My friends, I cannot tell you how self-destructive that belief is. I'm going to say this loud because I know someone out there needs to hear it: Who you had to become to survive is not who you are. Read that again, then learn it, live it, love it.

That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth

When I first accepted I was in a dark place I needed to get out of, I picked up a Postpartum Depression Workbook. The exercises have been helpful and one of those was to create my own affirmations to say when I start having negative self-talk. Full disclosure: I'm not good at affirmations. I'm not good at remembering to say/write them in the morning and all the pre-written ones sound like fluffy bunny bullshit. But, I'm leaning in to getting better so I thought, "Fuck it, let's have some fun with this." And that is why one of my affirmations is "I have eyes that pierce men's souls and can summon the dark forces of the Underworld." It makes me smile and I fucking dare anyone to challenge me on it. I see recovery as a process of rebuilding my inner world the way I - and only I - believe it should be. The foundation of how I was living my life - the thoughts I was thinking, the beliefs I was clinging to, the behaviors I was justifying - I had to let it all crumble in order to start fresh, albeit with some of the salvageable materials remaining in the wreckage. This is why the Star (Faith and Hope) comes after the Tower but it doesn't always happen like that. Some people go back to the Devil (Self-destructive patterns and behaviors). Sometimes they have to do that a few times before they move forward. Maybe they'll keep repeating that cycle for the rest of their lives because they've become so inflexible, they can't see another way. 

That I would be great if I was no longer queen

That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

Some may argue that their negative self-talk pushes them to be better. Sorry, that's highly unlikely. Hypercritical beliefs often keep you locked in fear - fear of failing, fear of fucking up, fear of change, and ultimately, fear of trying. It puts a limit on what you can accomplish. One of my main insecurities was that I am a terrible writer with nothing worth saying, and it kept me in my head and not writing. Lately, however, I've been writing nonstop. And, unfortunately for you, dear reader, I don't really care if it's shit anymore. Barely a fraction of it gets to this blog. I've created a file called "Keep Your Crazy Here" (which would be an amazing title for an edgy self-help book/memoir) where I keep all my half-baked thoughts that aren't refined enough for general consumption or are awaiting purpose for other projects. And even if no one else reads those words in my lifetime, I can be content in knowing I've given them a home, rather than let them die forgotten. Self-hate was blocking my inner flow. You can't hear your intuition or realize your magic through the haze of self-hatred. This is why meditation, grounding/centering, journaling (via a Book of Shadows), and shadow work are considered vital when beginning the journey into witchcraft (or any type of spiritual practice). It's why Julia Cameron leans so heavily on them in "The Artist's Way." These are tools of self-love. The Great Work is crafting your ideal life and best self, but the process of alchemy is learning to love all the people you were/are while getting to that point. 

That I would be loved even when I numb myself

That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed

One thing I've noticed when I started changing my self-talk from coming from a hypercritical place to one of self-love is that it became easier to stand up for myself. It became easier to recognize the people who sounded like the voice fueling my self-hate. At some point, you start calling people on their bullshit, their inconsistencies, their insecurities - and it's not from a mean place. It's not like you've bottled it up and built a sack of resentment to throw at them when it gets too heavy. Nope, you notice how you feel in the moment and you point out how their behavior makes you feel at the same time. You have the courage to say, "Do you realize how condescending and contemptuous you sound when you talk to me? Well, I do and it makes me feel small and stupid." Only it doesn't take courage anymore because you don't fear them abandoning you. Once you start speaking and acting in your own best interests, you learn to accept that one of two things will happen with the people in your life - 1) they will respect your growth, be happy that you're speaking from a place of honesty, and will try to grow with you; or 2) they will resent you and eventually leave because they can't get away with treating you badly anymore. In either case, you are better off. Even if you can't always be assertive like in my example, you can learn to mentally distance yourself from their negativity so it doesn't affect you as much.

That I would be good

Whether with or without you

Finally, let's talk about today's featured song, "That I Would Be Good." I heard it on - you guessed it - "Dawson's Creek." It's no secret I love Alanis Morissette and this song had a motherly vibe that I felt fit the energy of the Cancer Full Moon. This song was written as Morissette's popularity on the radio was beginning to decline, as the tide turned away from singer-songwriters in a more bubble gum pop direction. It addresses the insecurities and self-doubt she felt during this time. To me, the lyrics sounded like affirmations. Reassurances that she would be okay, no matter what happened. Even if people stopped listening to her music, if she lost all her money, if she gained weight, or if she was dumped by her significant other. It's about remembering you are worthy and enough, no matter what anyone else thinks. A simple song - it's essentially just a poem and the transition in her voice is what carries us over the bridge to the end of the song. It's a fairly brilliant use of vocals. Also, she plays her own flute at the end and chose to keep the electrical buzz that was created by accidentally playing the guitar too close to an amp. Isn't that something Bob Ross used to say? "We don't make mistakes - we just have happy accidents." 

"That I Would Be Good" Video

"Moondance" by Van Morisson

Tonight is the Full (Strawberry) Moon in Sagittarius and earlier today, we experienced a penumbral lunar eclipse at 15° Sagittarius. At approximately 12:12pm Pacific Time, give or take a few minutes. To understand what that means, before we get into the astrology of it all, we have to go back to some basic astronomy. The umbra is another name for the Earth's shadow and when the umbra falls directly over the moon (causing it to glow red), that's an umbral (or total) eclipse. A penumbral eclipse happens when the umbra only partially covers the moon - it's still an eclipse but it's a partial one. The United States wouldn't have really seen it because it occurred during our daylight hours, but people in India and other parts of the Middle East probably got a lovely surprise in their night sky. Now, there's also some basic rules that Full Moons and eclipses follow in astrology. In order for a Full Moon to be considered "full," the sun and the moon have to be in opposing signs (like Gemini and Sagittarius) at the exact same degree. Furthermore, in order for an eclipse to happen, the Full Moon has to be taking place in close proximity to the lunar nodes (I'll explain that later). The closer the moon falls to the nodal axis, the closer to a total eclipse it gets. The North Node recently moved into Gemini, with the South Node in Sagittarius, and they are both sitting at 29° of their respective signs.

And I'm trying to please to the calling

Of your heart-strings that play soft and low

And all the night's magic seems to whisper and hush

And all the soft moonlight seems to shine in your blush

For fun and profit (jk...not really profit), I've been studying my own natal chart to understand better astrological events and tracking their effect on my life and the things happening in current events. If we're just taking into account the shit in my natal chart, this Full Moon eclipse in Sagittarius is an important one for me. It is almost directly conjunct my Ascendant-Descendant axis (where my 1st and 7th Houses begin) and exactly conjunct my natal Saturn. Add the fact that Venus Retrograde is also conjunct my natal Ascendant, it's just a whole party. This eclipse season (because we have two more coming up) actually looks like it's designed specifically to my specifications. The solar eclipse, on 21 June, is at 0° Cancer, which will be exactly conjunct my natal Venus (also in the 1st House). Then, the final eclipse on 5 July (yep, the day before my birthday) at 13° Capricorn will be opposite my natal Sun and Mercury and conjunct my natal Neptune. And, yet again, like the one in January, it will be falling in my 8th House. What all that could mean personally, I'm only starting to unpack. Eclipse energy is hard to predict. But I know eclipses always bring change - especially when we're starting a transition to a new nodal axis.

I was reading my old journal again and I've found a few gems. For instance, this sparkling thought from New Year's Day 2012: "Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? I'll never be 'normal' or even 'average.' I'm not meant to fit in and I don't really want to." Whoo, child. I always felt I was too big for my body. But 25-year-old me was right - I don't know how to play it small. Stars are meant to shine, right? I'm sure I've written that trite-but-true-ism somewhere in that journal, too. A lot of my hopes in dreams from 8 years ago still stand, too. I want to be a writer - that hasn't changed since I was a little girl. And for some reason, I wanted to live on a farm. Sure, that dream has evolved quite a bit - it's a lavender farm now, with a Bed & Breakfast where I host Writer's Retreats and spirituality workshops - and, someday, I might actually own and run this mythical farm. But, for now, it's still a pleasant day dream to have from time to time. When I look back on exactly this time in 2012, I actually wrote it down - I was having an existentialist crisis....and nobody seemed to notice (she lamented bitterly in her online blog). Between May and July of 2012, I only wrote two posts on this blog and I didn't write much more than that in the journal. I can always tell how depressed I must be when my writing decreases - I just don't feel like it any more. Because what's the point? Even when I have good ideas, I don't have the courage or confidence to execute them. However, in the last two years, I averaged one post every three days. That's pretty amazing and I'm kind of proud of myself, because I can see the change in my writing. And my mindset.

There and then all my dreams will come true, dear

There and then I will make you my own

And every time I touch you, you just tremble inside

And I know how much you want me that you can't hide

Anyway, enough about me, let's talk about what this penumbral Lunar Eclipse in Sagittarius means for the rest of you poor schlubs. As I mentioned, we're moving out of the Cancer-Capricorn axis (Family-Career dichotomy, or Emotional vs Financial Security) and moving into the Gemini-Sagittarius axis (Knowledge-Wisdom dichotomy, or Details vs Big Picture). The important thing to remember about the North Node (Ketu) and South Node (Rahu) is you're aiming for balance. Evolutionary astrologists say that one's natal North Node is indicative of their Destiny and the South Node is indicative of Past Lives. However, going to far in either direction causes problems - you have to balance the lessons and natural skills/talents of your South Node with who your North Node indicates will bring about the most growth. For example, I am naturally artistic, intellectual, friendly and (dare I say it) charming - all traits of a Libra South Node - and those things help to balance the bossy, assertive, and brave (stupid) aspects of my Aries North Node. Too far in either direction and I'm either a doormat (Libra) or an asshole (Aries). And I'm not ashamed to say I've been both at various times in my life. Sometimes in the same day. 

Can I just have one more moondance with you, my love

Can I just make some more romance with you, my love

This Full Moon is shining light on the Sagittarius end of the axis, which calls us to examine our long held beliefs and philosophies. Not just our societal beliefs, but the ones we hold about ourselves. Beliefs about our unworthiness, our flaws, and the things we believe hold us back in life. This eclipse is giving us an opportunity to review those things and make the hard change, if it's needed. That's where Gemini comes into the picture. Gemini is all about embracing the polarities and combining them into a unified whole. You can make a mistake AND still be competent at your job. You can be rejected by someone you love AND still be lovable. Being ruled by Mercury, Gemini is there to help us find new and innovative to solve our problems. Where Sagittarius sees only one Truth, Gemini sees a myriad of Possibilities. Is that thing you want really impossible for you to have? Or are you just afraid to take a chance? That's what Gemini asks us - to take chances, to make mistakes, to make the hard choice. Gemini is also about Communication and with the North Node moving through this sign, it's giving us the ability and courage to put our desires and goals and ideas into words. Never underestimate the power of putting what you want into words, of writing down your goals. There's power in records, as you've seen from my trip down memory lane. The development of language is the only reason we have a history and writing will always be the greatest invention in human civilization. It's what enabled us to get this far. That's the lesson the Gemini-Sagittarius nodal axis teaches us - it's the details that ultimately build the big picture. In order to truly understand something, you need to take in as much information as you can.

This is a song I remember fondly from my childhood. It reminds me of long road trips with my dad, listening to Van Morrison (among other artists) through the night while my sisters and my mom slept. It was the only moon-related song I could think of off the top of my head, without going searching. I'm pretty sure this song about Van Morrison trying to get laid, though. "Moondance" very well could be a euphemism for sex. Sorry if that ruins it for you.

"Moondance" Video

"Bulletproof Love" by Pierce the Veil

I thought this song was appropriate for the Scorpio Full Moon (even though I found it on my Cancer playlist). Overdramatic, dark but too emo to be goth (that was a dig), and it's about super intense unrequited love, which the astro-community tends to associate with Scorpio energy. Also, it's my moon return! So I'm actually having a pretty good time right now. With my latest additions from the Witches Box, I now have four books that are sex magick/tantra related. Five, if you count "The Red Goddess," (which I kinda do - I'm going to say four and a half). To the outside, that may look like specialization. But no, that's just where my head is at lately. Luckily, I can blame the hormones now, but that excuse won't hold after the baby comes. After that, I'll just blame it on having my moon in Scorpio. And it's research for my book - always a handy excuse.

I breathe you in with smoke in the backyard lights

(Backyard light)

We used to laugh until we choked into the wasted nights

(Wasted nights)

It was the best time of my life, but now I sleep alone

(Sleep alone)

So darling, don't, don't wake me up, 'cause my thrill is gone

(Say I'm wrong)

In the sunset turning red behind the smoke

Forever and alone

Yeah!

As I said, we had a Full Moon in Scorpio this morning and we're still going to be in this phase tonight, which is when most witches will be doing their rituals (if they celebrate esbats). For this full moon, there are various forms of Scorpio-related witchcraft to choose from. Honoring the dead and ancestor worship, sex magick, shadow work, personal transformation spells, and releasing rituals are all potentially powerful ways to harness the full moon's energy tonight. I'm going to focus on releasing, because ironically, that's something Scorpio energy struggles with most.

When we consider the Taurus-Scorpio axis, which tonight's full moon engages, a key element to understand is how each sign interprets and gains strength. Taurus is concerned with independence and establishing strong roots that are ultimately based within the self. Being an earth sign, Taurus is like a large tree with deep roots, that is wholly distinct from the rest of the forest. Scorpio energy, on the other hand, gains strength from entanglement, by merging with others and absorbing traits to create a greater whole. As a water sign, Scorpio can be like the mouth of a river that meets the ocean - you can't tell where either begins or ends but the mixture creates a more fertile area. I'm going to step away from the analogies a bit, but the end result is there is a muddiness of identity that is particularly unique to Scorpio. This sign has a gift for transformation but the end result is that the elements used for this transformation become fused and are extremely hard to extract from the end result. Even if these elements are toxic, even when they block true transformation. Hence the struggle with letting go.

Out of all the signs, Scorpio has a tendency to be associated with some negative descriptors - obsessive, possessive, vindictive, manipulative, secretive, cold, and even cruel. However, being a Fixed sign, Scorpio is considered committed and loyal (they're considered the most loyal sign), partially because of this desire to merge. All of that other stuff is about self-preservation and protection. Once entangled with an element (habits, relationships, thought patterns, memories), they take on ownership of it, so that removing it forcibly becomes an act of violence and an experience of pain. As such, instances of betrayal and rejection are especially painful for this sign ("my love for you was bulletproof"). In order for Scorpio placements to truly trust another, they have to become vulnerable and let down these defenses - which is fucking terrifying for them. Ironically, they have a desire for others to be vulnerable with them, because that's how entanglement is achieved. If you are a Scorpio placement (especially in the Big Three), people just tend to tell you random information about themselves while you're trying to say as little as possible. Happens to me all the time, without any prompting at all. Meanwhile, I have issues opening up to people, even my family. But back to the whole fear of vulnerability thing - the fear stems from the logic that if someone truly saw you and understood you, they could destroy you. If they wanted. Scorpio thinks strategically and avoiding destruction is the name of the game - giving someone this level of power is something they don't do easily or willingly. After a betrayal of this magnitude, vengeance against the betrayer becomes a requirement of existential paramount.

This isn't fair!

(No!)

Don't you try to blame this on me

(Ohhh)

My love for you was bulletproof but you're the one who shot me

And God damn it, I can barely say your name

So I'll try to write and fill the pen with blood from the sink

Woah oh, oh oh

But don't just say it, you should sing my name

Pretend that it's a song 'cause forever it's yours

And we can sing this on the way home

I know that sounds bad, but I promise there are a lot of good things about Scorpio energy. However, this full moon is about releasing the bad stuff - such as the desire for vengeance and holding onto the pain of betrayal and rejection - because letting go of these things are ultimately for our highest good. The collective is currently experiencing a lot of turmoil for obvious reasons - anger, fear, grief, anxiety, depression, numbness. All of which serve an important purpose initially. However, holding onto these emotions without an outlet or way to transform them is unhealthy and can be destructive. That's why the transformative power of Scorpio is so critical at this juncture. Though you may disagree with where we are in this pandemic, we are being pushed into a transitional stage. Transitional stages are difficult, because there's a pull to return to normal but also a renewed awareness that you can't. You can deny this reality (by either refusing to leave isolation or stubbornly trying to return to normal); you can be depressed that your options are still limited; you can bargain about what guidelines you'll follow and which you won't; you can be angry at being forced to follow inconvenient rules for the "greater good;" or you can accept what is happening and try to forge a new path within the current constraints. You may recognize these options as the stages of grief and we're all somewhere within this spectrum, or maybe vacillating between different stages as circumstances change.  I've noticed - both in my own recent thoughts and the shared experiences of the people I follow on Twitter - that there has been an increase in nostalgia and memories popping up from the past. This is part of the process and I think it's something the brain does naturally to ease the pain of letting go. I'm finding that these memories - even the unpleasant/unhappy ones - have less of a sting, less of an impact on me. While this may be primarily reflective of my own growth, I'd like to think that this has been true for others as well. I feel as if there has been a shift in the tide. It's very slight, almost imperceptible, but I believe once we're on the other side of this, there will be some much needed clarity and truth. And, just in time, the moon is moving into Sagittarius tomorrow.

Also, the nodes are out of the Cancer-Capricorn axis and now on the Gemini-Sagittarius axis, which brings an entirely new and different round of bullshit for the collective. But I'll save that for another day, because I've noticed I've been hyper-ranty lately.

Final argument of the day - I think this song fits more my Scorpio Moon than my Cancer Sun because - in times of rejection and betrayal - Scorpio may prefer destruction (to the point of destroying themselves) but Cancer knows the best vengeance of all is cutting off someone's access to you. They don't do it willingly, but it's worth the pain in the end. Indeed, if a Cancer walks away, you've fucked up pretty badly.

"Bulletproof Love" Video

"Yellow" by Coldplay

Last night, I was feeling sad. So I watched a movie, which always does one of two things - it distracts me or, more likely, it gives me an acceptable reason to cry. The movie I chose was "Crazy Rich Asians," so it ended up being the latter situation. The sadness carried throughout the movie, even the funny parts, until I reached the end. During the ending scenes - we call this the denouement in plot structure, when the loose threads get tied into the pretty bow of a happy ending - a version of "Yellow" was playing. And even though it was being sung in Chinese (couldn't tell you which dialect), I knew the melody and, therefore, the words...

Look at the stars

Look how they shine for you

And everything you do

Yeah they were all yellow

This song has a calming effect on me. You can't hear it and not want to believe everything will be okay. I find it magical that music can do that, transform emotions and transcend reality, even when presented in an unfamiliar form. Of course, that's why sound mixing is so essential in movies. If you don't get the music just right, you fuck up the emotional flow of the entire scene. The movie differs from the book slightly, in that they wrap up everything within a single movie. In the book, the ending was a bit more ambivalent, partially because it's the first in a series, but also because real life isn't so clean cut. The movie simplified a subplot - unfortunately, it's one of the more interesting subplots in the book but I understand why they did it. A major theme of both the movie and the book is the illusion of perfection, and the choice between validation and authenticity. The movie makes really excellent use of the impact of social media. More importantly, it leans into the idea that social media creates the fantasy real life can never be. Authenticity is in short supply on the Internet, nothing happens without filters and carefully picked moments. The real stuff happens outside the painstakingly curated pictures and videos. The truth of people is in what they hide. And why they hide it. Most people only reveal what they want others to see and, thus, can escape the pain of vulnerability, the terror of real intimacy. And, in fact, in "Crazy Rich Asians," it's the main character's refusal to be inauthentic and choosing to claim her heritage - as degrading and ill-bred as it is to the people whose approval she wanted so badly - that drives the climax of the movie.

I saw a tweet this morning with the following sentiment: "What makes a star shine so brightly? A shit load of darkness." I was reflecting on this in conjunction with the Full Moon in Leo, which occurred earlier today. I only just made the connection between Aquarius and Leo, as opposite signs. The Star is the tarot card for Aquarius and Leo's ruling "planet" is the Sun, the most important star to humanity's existence. Aquarius placements have a reputation for marching to their own beat, regardless of what others think, whereas Leo placements are seen as needing attention and approval from everyone. But what both signs need is validation - Validation that they are unique and special, whether that means being weird or dramatic, mysterious or picture perfect. Aquarius is about following the Star and Leo is about realizing the Star is - and always has been - ourselves. Stars don't need others to see them to shine, because it doesn't matter. That sparkle is who they are. And there will be stargazers out there who just can't look away.

The sadness has given way to extreme thoughtfulness and a rare peace. There's a lot happening in the sky right now, astrology-wise. It's normal to be encountering huge swings between hopelessness and renewed faith. I find it's just best to ride it out. The world is inundated with illusions at the moment - nothing seems real. That's why strengthening your inner compass is so important right now. It makes it easier to pass through liminal spaces. The video for "Yellow" is a classic. It's so simple. It's just Chris Martin walking on the beach on a cloudy day. The camera stays close except during the musical interludes, where the cameraman backs off a bit. And Martin has this sheepish grin, as if he's confessing something to you (i.e., the person he's singing to, that he's written this song for) he hadn't said before. Maybe he is. And even if he's a bit embarrassed, he's happy. He maintains full eye contact with the camera as he sings, increasing the feeling that you're sharing an intimate moment with him. The imagery seems meaningful, even though it's simple. And it's the ability to find the meaning in moments - moments that aren't marked as special, moments that could even be called routine, moments that can be downright shitty - that's essential because if you can't find happiness in those moments, you're in trouble. Because the present moment is all we ever have.

"Yellow" Video

"Hands to Myself" by Selena Gomez

It's the Full Moon tonight and it's basically right on my Ascendant. And, if you couldn't tell by my music selections this week, I've been all over the place. Gemini placements have a reputation for swinging between extremes. Talking a mile a minute about every topic under the sun. Both delightfully mischievous yet deadly serious at the same time. Joking and not joking in the same breath, that it can be confusing and hard to gauge which way their mind is going to go. That has definitely been me this week (and in general) with everything - my thoughts, my moods, my wants, my needs, my plans - it's a roller coaster to be me, sometimes. I feel so unfocused at times but, in the next minute, I'll have such divine clarity of thought that it's almost scary. I'd worry about it but it seems I'm all out of fucks to give again. The theme for December is to try to just let it be and enjoy the ride.

Can't keep my hands to myself

I mean I could, but why would I want to?

Tonight, I'm feeling playful - some more Gemini Rising bullshit for you. I'm feeling super happy because Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope finally kissed on "Parks & Rec." As is my custom, I let out such a scream of giddiness that I'm almost embarrassed to mention it, just like the last two times I watched this episode. I don't have much time because I also want to try to fit in a tiny Full Moon ritual, too, so I'll let this song speak for itself. During my commute home - since I'm having a hard time focusing on podcasts right now - I decided to put on a playlist I haven't touched in a while. Almost a year. I forgot it was a really fucking good playlist. This was the first song that played. And, as ridiculous as it is, I really do like this song. I never claimed to have good taste in music, only a diverse one. Enjoy!

"Hands to Myself" Video

"Change (In the House of Flies)" by Deftones

Today is the Full Moon in Scorpio, so I wanted to choose something a little dark. I'm also really feeling the energy for the past day or so. I have two planets in Scorpio - the moon, which rules over how we handle emotions and relationships, and Pluto, which is Scorpio's planetary ruler that also rules over death. Scorpio, as a sign, is rather misunderstood. On astro-Twitter, people with Scorpio placements tend to be boiled down to being mysterious and secretive, and also really good at sex (note: this is categorically un-true....being a Scorpio does not automatically make you good at sex). Scorpio is a water sign, which may strike some as odd since scorpions are a desert creature. Distill this down to symbolism, there is water in the desert....you just have dig. And dig. And dig. And that gives you a taste of what Scorpio is really about. Depth. People with Scorpio placements - especially intense Scorpio placements - aren't what they seem at first glance. They have an innate sense that not all is what it seems - and they feel compelled to go searching for it. They want a deeper meaning, because everything seems so senseless. There has to be something more. Not coincidentally, all my Millennial kindred who were born from Nov 1983 to May 1984 and from Aug 1984 to Jan 1995 have their Pluto in Scorpio. I have a theory that this is a factor in why witchcraft, paganism, and other New Age beliefs are having such a resurgence currently - people born during this time finally have jobs and are out of their parents houses, so they have the freedom and money to spend on tarot cards, crystals, and astrology books.

I'm going to end my astrology rant right there, even though I find astrology endlessly fascinating and could probably rant on it for hours. Give me a couple years and I might even be certified to actually do that. Anyway, the Scorpio Full Moon does come with this intensely sexual but dark energy. Think having sex with someone you're not supposed to, in secret. Perhaps in a cemetery. Maybe that person's a vampire. Who knows? Let your imagination run wild. I first heard "Change (In the House of Flies)" when I went to see "The Queen of the Damned" in theatres circa 2002 (because I'm the type of loser who read all The Vampire Chronicles and will see all film adaptations of Anne Rice novels, no matter how terrible they are). Full disclosure: The movie is mediocre. Aaliyah's (RIP) performance as Akasha was amazing, but other than that, things could've been done so much better. However, the soundtrack to that film is phenomenal. Quite possibly one of the greatest film soundtracks of all time....and that is a hill I'm willing to die on. It pulls together music from some of the best goth rock/metal artists of the era, including Marilyn Manson, David Draiman, and Static-X, to name a few. This soundtrack was one of my first introductions to the darker themes and sounds in the music scene and it always reminds me of my spooky, quiet girl roots.

Deftones lead singer, Chino Moreno, says that it's a metaphorical song. It's about treating others like shit (or taking them for granted and not giving them the love and attention they deserve) and then being completely blown away when you see them flourishing without you in their lives. In my head, I've always associated it with a situation where a boy rejects a girl but then he starts wanting her again after she takes power over her own life and starts to shine on her own. If I may dive into the language of romantic comedies, it calls to mind a scene in one of my favorite Meg Ryan movies, "French Kiss." In the scene, Kate (Meg Ryan) has succeeded in attracting her fiance back from the arms of his gorgeous French mistress. They're starting to get busy and Charlie says "it's like someone lit a fire in you." And she asks him, "Why weren't you the one? The one who turned on this big shiny Kate-light that burns so bright?" After that, she reminds him that she's still herself, she's just more herself than she ever was with him. And that's the thing - if the people you're around don't inspire you to be the most amazingly authentic you that you can be....if they keep trying to change who you are to fit them....what are they doing in your life? Also, Kate never had to try to be someone different with Luc, he just liked her how she was, weird neuroses and all. She was already lovable - why chase after some schmuck who didn't see that light glowing already?

I took you home

Set you on the glass

I pulled off your wings

Then I laughed

I watched a change in you

It's like you never had wings

Now you feel so alive

I have watched you change

No archetype today, we're just going to go straight to the shadow work questions, because I've already ranted a little bit too long and I have a party to go to. We're going to focus on personal power and authenticity, and whether or not we're owning ourselves. Ask yourself the following questions:

• How much of what you do is to please other people? Do you find yourself worrying about doing things you want to do because of the opinions/reactions of the people in your life?
• Do you feel like anyone really understands you? Or do you feel like you're hiding parts of yourself to keep the peace?
• In your relationships (romantic, friendships, work, family), are your needs being met? Sexual needs (e.g., physical affection and stimulation), Social needs (e.g., attention, recognition, quality time), Intellectual needs (e.g., stimulating conversations, learning new things). Do you even know what those needs are?
• If you're not having your needs met, have you tried to address them with the people in your life? What were their reactions if you have?
• If you got a negative reaction, did you put your needs aside just to "keep the peace" i.e., keep the other person happy?
• Do you feel like you can be yourself in most situations? If not, what situations result in you putting on a mask?
• Finally, are you being supportive of others being their most authentic selves or do you find yourself being critical? This isn't to say you have to like everything about someone, but are you able to be compassionate and understanding when others are trying new things?

A lot of personal power is tied up in this idea of the "authentic self" and to get to that, you have to know who you are when you're not trying to be anything. You have to be able to identify whether or not you're pretending to be someone you're not. You also need to be clear on what your needs are in order to properly understand if they're being met. This can get kind of difficult because if you've been wearing the facade for a long time, others may criticize you for being "fake," pretending to be someone else, or say that it's out of character for you to vocalize what you want. Usually, this happens because the facade you wore was beneficial for them in some way. Maybe you never pushed them on their bad habits before or always let them be the center of attention. Or maybe you never voiced how annoyed you were that they were always making the plans or making choices for you without asking. It's important to note that the people who are worth keeping around are the ones who will understand the changes and maybe even encourage them, because they just want you to be happy.

I'll end with a little Twitter wisdom/film humor to wrap this up. If a girl's eyeliner game gets fabulous all of a sudden, she's turned evil. And it's probably too late to run. 

"Change (In the House of Flies)" Video

"Girl on Fire" by Alicia Keys

Tonight's full moon is in its home sign of Cancer, which is also my Sun sign. I'm pretty much your stereotypical Cancer - I'm self-aware enough to admit that. In general, I tend to take astrology with a grain of salt but I think it can be effective to understand your chart just for "know thyself" purposes. The goal of astrology is to embody the positive aspects of your Sun sign while being aware - and in control of - the negative aspects. For example, a Cancer person at their best is extremely passionate, loving, nurturing, spontaneous, and creative. We have a tendency to go with the flow, are incredibly loyal and protective of the people we care about, and although we can come off kind of cold, we're actually extremely emotional and open (you just have to get past the tough shell, hence the crab symbolism). That all sounds great, right? Well, there's always a dark side. We can be moody and overemotional. Very clingy in relationships (so true - in the beginning, I was always holding the Husband's hand or wanting kisses when he was busy - to be fair, I was young and he was my first serious relationship). On our worst days, we can become extremely pessimistic - and I'm generally an optimistic (idealistic) person, so when I get into those dark places (which can happen with no warning), it can be surprising to some people. Cancers have a tendency to be suspicious of others without cause and cling to imagined slights to justify it (so much jealousy when I was younger!). Oh - and did I mention we also have a tendency to nag? That's something I have to be especially aware of as a supervisor, because it can seem that I don't trust my team to do their jobs, even though it's just my anxiety to ensure that we meet our objectives.

There are other things in your chart besides your Sun sign. For example, my moon is in Scorpio, which means I tend to be obsessive, feel an attraction towards the occult/mystical, and when I go dark, I go really dark (like "life is meaningless and we should destroy everything" dark). But, I have Mercury in Gemini, which means I'm very good with communication (which makes sense, when you look at my day job and my side hustle as a writer). Again, the goal is to know yourself - astrology is a tool to do that better, even if you don't take it that seriously. With the Full Moon in Cancer, it's also all about hyper-feminine energy. Following your intuition and getting in touch with your emotions is the core emphasis for the last stretch of 2018. I've always been drawn to the Dark Mother archetype for goddesses - Persephone, The Morrigan, Kali, Hekate, Lilith. Out of these, I'm most called to Lilith - her power lies in Sexuality as opposed to Knowledge (Hekate) or Destruction (Kali). Men fear her because they want her but can't own her. She's also one of those goddesses who is unapologetically feminine. Nowadays, we seem to be totally cool when a woman embraces her masculine side but still struggle with people (men and women) embracing and enjoying femininity. Yes, even "feminists" seem to have issues with this, sometimes (that's a rant for another day). And that's what a full moon in Cancer is here to remind us. That there is power in softness. That it takes a special kind of strength to be emotionally vulnerable. That trusting your intuition is not weakness.

Looks like a girl, but she's a flame

So bright, she can burn your eyes

Better look the other way

You can try but you'll never forget her name

She's on top of the world

Hottest of the hottest girls say

Oh, we got our feet on the ground

And we're burning it down

Oh, got our head in the clouds

And we're not coming down

It's been a very emotional day. Almost had a nervous breakdown earlier over a snafu with the rental car, which happened as a result of letting The Husband sleep in too late (okay....I didn't "let" him...I kept trying to wake him up earlier but he still slept in until 10am). I didn't blame him, though - nope, instead, I just beat myself up because, in all honesty, I should've just dragged him out of bed and just dealt with him being pissed at me for an hour (he still ended up being pissed because he had to contact the rental company to resolve the issue). The truth is I'm getting really tired of feeling like I have to take on all the responsibility and do everything myself. In addition to that, I had a really weird dream about The Movie Star (formerly The Muse - only a half-sarcastic moniker because I genuinely hope he achieves his goal of becoming a working actor). He was telling me all the things I had hoped he would say to me in the past and my reaction was, "Oh, that's nice....Bye!" Which I suppose is a good thing - it proves that I'm really done with it. And even though I still think he's objectively attractive, if I ever run into him again, I'm pretty sure that I'll have that same reaction. "Nice to see ya! Now, excuse me, I have shit to do." There's kind of a sad finality to it - a farewell to innocent hopes - but it's also kind of freeing, too. Now I can be my own Muse.

Lately, I've been feeling "Girl on Fire," mostly because everything is a mess and - damn it! - I'll fix this shit myself if I have to. Which, increasingly, it feels like that might be the case. The song is about knowing your power and being independent and standing on your own. Yes, the girl might be lonely, but that doesn't dull her light. If anything, maybe it makes her burn brighter. There are worse things than being alone. In the video, Alicia Keys portrays a single mother, making it work the only way she knows how. And of course, she looks absolutely beautiful doing it. Anyway, it's been a long day and I'm not even sure today's rant was cohesive but - to be honest - I really don't give a shit right now.

"Girl on Fire" Video