"The Horror of Our Love" by Ludo

A friend introduced me to Ludo a while ago and I'm slowly discovering their music. I love the imagery they use - it's graphic and dramatic. Visceral in a disturbing, yet satisfying way. I found this song a few months ago on YouTube and, though I liked it, I forgot about it for a bit. But about a month ago, I woke up with it stuck in my head. I had to find it again and the entire day, I played it on repeat. I do that with songs I really like. I was obsessed. I'm still fairly obsessed with this song. It's already made it into the Top 10 Favorites. Heck, I think it might even be a member of the Unskippables now, and that's saying something. I even skip "Bohemian Rhapsody" if I'm not feeling it. Don't judge me. It's even in that special place reserved for other favorites, like "Iris" and "Everything", where if I hear the end of the song approaching, I will preemptively hit the repeat button. Because I don't want it to end.

There's this guy I follow on Twitter - Doth the Doth - who tweets random goth stuff. Things like "It's a perfect night to slip into something more comfortable, like the coffin." Or, "Maybe she's born with it or maybe she has eaten all the hearts of those who have wronged her." I think he may be a literature professor at Harvard. He puts a spin on modern trends and sayings using the tropes found in gothic and classic horror novels/poetry. As a huge geek for both of these genres, his tweets are always a welcome sight in my feed. As a writer whose style is slowly growing comfortable with these themes, it always helps to have some extra inspiration. I bring up Doth because Ludo has done something similar with the lyrics and it helps to have a reference point.

The lyrics for "The Horror of Our Love" reminds me of the following scene from "The Addams Family":

I feel like everyone and their mom is goth nowadays, claiming to want a romance like Morticia and Gomez, but the truth is....most girls scare too easy. A boy writes them a short, two-paragraph love letter in his own blood and all of a sudden he's "weird" and "creepy" and "not their type." Seriously....What did you think you were getting into when you started dating a guy who wears all black and hangs out in cemeteries? There's a similar meme about dating goth girls: "Everybody wants a goth bitch but when it's time to dick her down in a pool of goat's blood while surrounded by sacrificial pagan flames so she can summon Baphomet, you want to complain. SMH." I know this paragraph took a hard left turn but the point is some people think that level of intensity is...romantic. In a dark, dramatic way. I'm one of these people I speak of. Perhaps not the goat's blood - that sounds a little unsanitary - but the rest of it, sure. But I'm also a hopeless romantic. There is absolutely no difference in how I react to Morticia & Gomez and people in romantic comedies. I squeal for everything. Maybe I just like seeing people happy and in love. But I also believe every Gomez has a Morticia, which - after having a discussion with my coworker - is perhaps a little naive. But I don't want to be cynical yet. I'm too young.

Perhaps this is more Scorpio Moon bullshit, but I believe sexuality is sacred. The act of sex itself - regardless of who you're doing it with or how frequently - is always special and powerful. So the metaphors and imagery in this song's lyrics resonate with me on a deep level. Yes, I think it's romantic and stimulating. And Neptune falls in my 8th House, so I have a very active imagination when it comes to this stuff (and by "this stuff," apparently I mean sex and death - the 8th House is nicknamed the House of Sex, Death, and Taxes....I'm good at thinking about money, too). If you listen to the lyrics, it's pretty obvious he's describing a sexual encounter, but he hides it in gore and mystery, heightening the occult importance of sex. Given this foundational knowledge, the verses can be broken into three acts - the Hunt (i.e., the lust and desire leading up to the act, the thinking of which is essential to foreplay), the Great Rite itself, and then after-care....and possibly Round Two.

I wake in terror, blackbirds screaming

Dark cathedrals spilling midnight on their altars

I'm your servant, my immortal

Pale and perfect, such unholy heaving

The statues close their eyes, the room is changing

Break my skin and drain me

Ancient language, speak through fingers

The awful edges where you end and I begin

Inside your mouth I cannot see

There's catastrophe in everything I'm touching

As I sweat and crush you

And I hold your beating chambers until they beat no more

You die like angels sing...

That's the second verse, which is my favorite verse. I mentioned the Great Rite, so I'll go into a little back story, since not everyone has been steeped in weird occult rituals and symbolism like a fine tea. The Great Rite is a pagan ritual that involves symbolic (or actual) sexual intercourse, symbolizing the powerful connection created upon the union of masculine and feminine energy. Yeah - most of the early Wiccan leaders were dirty old men. That being said, there is something incredibly powerful about the ritual. In Feri tradition - if the information portrayed in Alex Mars' "Witches of America" is accurate - after their initiation, when they find out the true names of the Gods, they have sex (with a partner of their choice) in service of the God and Goddess. It's more than that. It's more like they invite the God and Goddess into themselves and the body of their partner to perform this sacred act. It's essentially using the sexual energy to activate the power of the ritual. To truly understand the alchemy. To go physically go through rebirth into a new person. A mystical person. Maybe I'm weird (and I know I am) but something about that perspective - when I read (or rather, listened - it was an audiobook) to the description, it sounded incredibly appealing to me. And the lyrics of this song make me think he's making love as if he's worshiping the Goddess, embodied in this delicate creature. It's as if he thinks himself unworthy, but he feels compelled. Like it's a desperate hunger. The love-making starts gentle and then, by the end, he's no longer in control.

On a more academic note, I'm going to go through the various lyrics and my interpretation describing how I reached this conclusion. I've taken both multiple Human Sexuality and English Literature courses so - trust me - I'm a professional and (generally) know what I'm talking about.

• "Hold you down and tear you open, live inside you" - He's craving some rather rough action. This is about the moment I start daydreaming. 
• "I will eat you slowly..." - I think this one is fairly self-evident. Again, more daydreaming.
• "Break my skin and drain me" - Who doesn't like the feeling of fingernails down their back? And I think we know what he wants drained, if ya know what I mean. **hint hint wink wink**
• "And I hold your beating chambers until they beat no more" - During the female orgasm, the vaginal muscles will contract rhythmically. The movement is obvious if you're paying attention (which, admittedly, most people wouldn't be). The more powerful and longer-lasting the contractions, the more powerful the orgasm. It's science. They've measured it - you can thank Masters and Johnson for doing this vital work. Essentially, he's saying he stays put until she's finished...which is appreciated.
• "You die like angels sing..." - The moans a woman makes when she comes are literally music to his ears (as they should be). The French phrase for an orgasm is le petit mort, which translates to "the little death." Sex as a transformative experience, as a living death. This is classic Scorpio placement bullshit. True Story: I learned about the french translation for orgasm from "The Bride of Chucky," which is - in fact - the best of the Child's Play series, simply because Jennifer Tilly is awesome and uncompromisingly sexy in that film. Even as a doll.

Similar to "Iris," instead of the typical lyrical bridge that connects Verse 2 to Verse 3 (and, subsequently, the end of the song), "The Horror of Our Love" uses a musical interlude. I love musical interludes, because it's just wave upon wave of notes that you lose yourself in until it hits a crescendo. And this musical interlude is a flamenco guitar solo (flamenco guitars are - in fact - the best kind of guitar). It's honestly my favorite part of the song and I'm usually not big on instrumentals.

As I've mentioned before, I tend to get a lot of my inspiration for stories from the music I listen to. This song has inspired me to write a story about a Magician and his Assistant. It's basically a Beauty and the Beast story. But with more sex and blood....because Beauty and the Beast was really missing those elements. I'm letting the story form in my head right now - the brain storming stage. When I imagine a scene in my head, I will send myself a text with as many details as I see in my vision, so I can remember. Assuming I'm not in a position to begin writing what I see (which is usually the case). So far, the system works. I've been getting a lot of inspiration lately - but I'm trying this new thing where I focus on one project until I finish it before I move on to the next thing. I know. It's been a weird change - but highly effective.

Whew. I know that was a roller coaster of a blog post but I think I've written down all my (super insightful) thoughts. Now, I'm off to take a cold shower.

"The Horror of Our Love" Video

"Change (In the House of Flies)" by Deftones

Today is the Full Moon in Scorpio, so I wanted to choose something a little dark. I'm also really feeling the energy for the past day or so. I have two planets in Scorpio - the moon, which rules over how we handle emotions and relationships, and Pluto, which is Scorpio's planetary ruler that also rules over death. Scorpio, as a sign, is rather misunderstood. On astro-Twitter, people with Scorpio placements tend to be boiled down to being mysterious and secretive, and also really good at sex (note: this is categorically un-true....being a Scorpio does not automatically make you good at sex). Scorpio is a water sign, which may strike some as odd since scorpions are a desert creature. Distill this down to symbolism, there is water in the desert....you just have dig. And dig. And dig. And that gives you a taste of what Scorpio is really about. Depth. People with Scorpio placements - especially intense Scorpio placements - aren't what they seem at first glance. They have an innate sense that not all is what it seems - and they feel compelled to go searching for it. They want a deeper meaning, because everything seems so senseless. There has to be something more. Not coincidentally, all my Millennial kindred who were born from Nov 1983 to May 1984 and from Aug 1984 to Jan 1995 have their Pluto in Scorpio. I have a theory that this is a factor in why witchcraft, paganism, and other New Age beliefs are having such a resurgence currently - people born during this time finally have jobs and are out of their parents houses, so they have the freedom and money to spend on tarot cards, crystals, and astrology books.

I'm going to end my astrology rant right there, even though I find astrology endlessly fascinating and could probably rant on it for hours. Give me a couple years and I might even be certified to actually do that. Anyway, the Scorpio Full Moon does come with this intensely sexual but dark energy. Think having sex with someone you're not supposed to, in secret. Perhaps in a cemetery. Maybe that person's a vampire. Who knows? Let your imagination run wild. I first heard "Change (In the House of Flies)" when I went to see "The Queen of the Damned" in theatres circa 2002 (because I'm the type of loser who read all The Vampire Chronicles and will see all film adaptations of Anne Rice novels, no matter how terrible they are). Full disclosure: The movie is mediocre. Aaliyah's (RIP) performance as Akasha was amazing, but other than that, things could've been done so much better. However, the soundtrack to that film is phenomenal. Quite possibly one of the greatest film soundtracks of all time....and that is a hill I'm willing to die on. It pulls together music from some of the best goth rock/metal artists of the era, including Marilyn Manson, David Draiman, and Static-X, to name a few. This soundtrack was one of my first introductions to the darker themes and sounds in the music scene and it always reminds me of my spooky, quiet girl roots.

Deftones lead singer, Chino Moreno, says that it's a metaphorical song. It's about treating others like shit (or taking them for granted and not giving them the love and attention they deserve) and then being completely blown away when you see them flourishing without you in their lives. In my head, I've always associated it with a situation where a boy rejects a girl but then he starts wanting her again after she takes power over her own life and starts to shine on her own. If I may dive into the language of romantic comedies, it calls to mind a scene in one of my favorite Meg Ryan movies, "French Kiss." In the scene, Kate (Meg Ryan) has succeeded in attracting her fiance back from the arms of his gorgeous French mistress. They're starting to get busy and Charlie says "it's like someone lit a fire in you." And she asks him, "Why weren't you the one? The one who turned on this big shiny Kate-light that burns so bright?" After that, she reminds him that she's still herself, she's just more herself than she ever was with him. And that's the thing - if the people you're around don't inspire you to be the most amazingly authentic you that you can be....if they keep trying to change who you are to fit them....what are they doing in your life? Also, Kate never had to try to be someone different with Luc, he just liked her how she was, weird neuroses and all. She was already lovable - why chase after some schmuck who didn't see that light glowing already?

I took you home

Set you on the glass

I pulled off your wings

Then I laughed

I watched a change in you

It's like you never had wings

Now you feel so alive

I have watched you change

No archetype today, we're just going to go straight to the shadow work questions, because I've already ranted a little bit too long and I have a party to go to. We're going to focus on personal power and authenticity, and whether or not we're owning ourselves. Ask yourself the following questions:

• How much of what you do is to please other people? Do you find yourself worrying about doing things you want to do because of the opinions/reactions of the people in your life?
• Do you feel like anyone really understands you? Or do you feel like you're hiding parts of yourself to keep the peace?
• In your relationships (romantic, friendships, work, family), are your needs being met? Sexual needs (e.g., physical affection and stimulation), Social needs (e.g., attention, recognition, quality time), Intellectual needs (e.g., stimulating conversations, learning new things). Do you even know what those needs are?
• If you're not having your needs met, have you tried to address them with the people in your life? What were their reactions if you have?
• If you got a negative reaction, did you put your needs aside just to "keep the peace" i.e., keep the other person happy?
• Do you feel like you can be yourself in most situations? If not, what situations result in you putting on a mask?
• Finally, are you being supportive of others being their most authentic selves or do you find yourself being critical? This isn't to say you have to like everything about someone, but are you able to be compassionate and understanding when others are trying new things?

A lot of personal power is tied up in this idea of the "authentic self" and to get to that, you have to know who you are when you're not trying to be anything. You have to be able to identify whether or not you're pretending to be someone you're not. You also need to be clear on what your needs are in order to properly understand if they're being met. This can get kind of difficult because if you've been wearing the facade for a long time, others may criticize you for being "fake," pretending to be someone else, or say that it's out of character for you to vocalize what you want. Usually, this happens because the facade you wore was beneficial for them in some way. Maybe you never pushed them on their bad habits before or always let them be the center of attention. Or maybe you never voiced how annoyed you were that they were always making the plans or making choices for you without asking. It's important to note that the people who are worth keeping around are the ones who will understand the changes and maybe even encourage them, because they just want you to be happy.

I'll end with a little Twitter wisdom/film humor to wrap this up. If a girl's eyeliner game gets fabulous all of a sudden, she's turned evil. And it's probably too late to run. 

"Change (In the House of Flies)" Video