" Sonata in E-flat Major for Piano, Hob. XVI:49/II. Adagio e cantabile" by Joseph Haydn

Exhausted yet again but I decided to try for just a short Song de la Nuit and wax poetic for a few minutes about one of my favorite literary characters. I saw "Interview with the Vampire" during my formative years and I remember the first time I watched it distinctly because my dad was building "bunky boards" for our new bunk beds. I'm fairly certain I was about 8 years old. No, my parents really didn't care what we watched when I was growing up (or even noticed, to be honest), which is why my knowledge of late 90s/early 2000s horror films is quite extensive. They also didn't take notice of what we were reading, either, which is how my sisters and I became big fans of Anne Rice. We even have copies of the BDSM erotica she wrote under the nom de plume A.N. Roquelaure. As you may have guessed, Lestat de Lioncourt is the aforementioned favorite literary character.

Assuming you've read all the Vampire Chronicles, like I have, Lestat has a somewhat checkered past. As a reader, your perspective on Lestat gets skewed because for the first book and the majority of the third, you see Lestat through the eyes of all the other characters in the books. Some think he's nuisance, others look up to him like he's a mentor (including Louis - you don't see this in "Interview" but Louis is quite devoted to Lestat as a dear friend after the events of that book). Some vampires believe he's their savior, others think his actions put all vampires in danger. However, you can only understand Lestat after reading his story in his own words, through the text of "The Vampire Lestat." Lestat is...complicated. He's not a bad guy, as you might think if you had only seen the movie. Honestly, the 1994 version of "Interview with the Vampire" makes him out to be more of a villain than he is. To really understand Lestat, just look at the first people he decides to turn into a vampires - his mother and his best friend/first love. Lestat suffers greatly from a fear of abandonment and every action he takes is to keep the ones he loves in his life. And one by one, the outcome is always the same. Nicholas resents Lestat for turning him and commits suicide. His mother, Gabrielle, leaves him during their wanderings to experience the freedom she never could've had as the wife of a French aristocrat. Marius sends him away after he awakens They Who Must Be Kept with his violin playing. And then there was that whole debacle with Claudia murdering him to run away with Louis. Needless to say, it's a common theme in his life. For all his efforts, his lesson on the Hero's Journey is how to be alone. Ironically, that's the most unbearable thing about immortality. Immortality comes at the price of watching everyone you love die around you, unable to prevent it yet also unwilling to join them in the after life. The Gift of Agelessness becomes more of a curse for those who have not mastered the ability to be alone without being lonely.

It is this dislike of being lonely that tempts him to do stupid things, like in "The Tale of the Body Thief," where he trades his immortal body for a mortal one for a day. Unfortunately, the body thief does not intend to return his body and Lestat realizes his foolishness. After nearly losing his immortality, he somehow ends up meeting the devil, drinks the actual blood of Jesus Christ, and by the end of the entire series of books, Lestat is basically the most powerful character in all of fiction. It's a crazy ride. At the latest point in the Vampire Chronicles (which Rice is still adding to), Lestat is nearly impossible to kill - though many have tried - and he's looked at as kind of the King of Vampires, even though he's reluctant to take on that role. That's the thing about building great characters - they have to always be evolving, while still retaining their core personality. One of the things I liked most about the Harry Potter books is that each book had a different tonal quality, which showed Harry's progression throughout the series. For example, in Book 5, Harry was pretty much a whiny, emo bitch so that book was all about him getting over his bad self, because taking action based on the ego always leads to bad times. Yet, in spite of all his missteps, it's his dedication to being courageous and loyal to the side of good that stands out. It's the same with Lestat - as he gains more experience, he goes through a transformative change with each new novel. The current Lestat is way more humble and understanding than newly turned Lestat ever could've been. That being said, he can still be a little extra at times - there's a reason people call him The Brat Prince. This is (or should be) how we take on our own lives. With each new chapter, we have to remember we are not the same person we used to be and yet the same person we always were. It's confusing. But if you get it, you get it. And if/when you do get it, I feel like it makes life go a whole helluva lot smoother, even when things start to get crazy in your external world.

"Lestat's Piano Sonata" Video

"Change (In the House of Flies)" by Deftones

Today is the Full Moon in Scorpio, so I wanted to choose something a little dark. I'm also really feeling the energy for the past day or so. I have two planets in Scorpio - the moon, which rules over how we handle emotions and relationships, and Pluto, which is Scorpio's planetary ruler that also rules over death. Scorpio, as a sign, is rather misunderstood. On astro-Twitter, people with Scorpio placements tend to be boiled down to being mysterious and secretive, and also really good at sex (note: this is categorically un-true....being a Scorpio does not automatically make you good at sex). Scorpio is a water sign, which may strike some as odd since scorpions are a desert creature. Distill this down to symbolism, there is water in the desert....you just have dig. And dig. And dig. And that gives you a taste of what Scorpio is really about. Depth. People with Scorpio placements - especially intense Scorpio placements - aren't what they seem at first glance. They have an innate sense that not all is what it seems - and they feel compelled to go searching for it. They want a deeper meaning, because everything seems so senseless. There has to be something more. Not coincidentally, all my Millennial kindred who were born from Nov 1983 to May 1984 and from Aug 1984 to Jan 1995 have their Pluto in Scorpio. I have a theory that this is a factor in why witchcraft, paganism, and other New Age beliefs are having such a resurgence currently - people born during this time finally have jobs and are out of their parents houses, so they have the freedom and money to spend on tarot cards, crystals, and astrology books.

I'm going to end my astrology rant right there, even though I find astrology endlessly fascinating and could probably rant on it for hours. Give me a couple years and I might even be certified to actually do that. Anyway, the Scorpio Full Moon does come with this intensely sexual but dark energy. Think having sex with someone you're not supposed to, in secret. Perhaps in a cemetery. Maybe that person's a vampire. Who knows? Let your imagination run wild. I first heard "Change (In the House of Flies)" when I went to see "The Queen of the Damned" in theatres circa 2002 (because I'm the type of loser who read all The Vampire Chronicles and will see all film adaptations of Anne Rice novels, no matter how terrible they are). Full disclosure: The movie is mediocre. Aaliyah's (RIP) performance as Akasha was amazing, but other than that, things could've been done so much better. However, the soundtrack to that film is phenomenal. Quite possibly one of the greatest film soundtracks of all time....and that is a hill I'm willing to die on. It pulls together music from some of the best goth rock/metal artists of the era, including Marilyn Manson, David Draiman, and Static-X, to name a few. This soundtrack was one of my first introductions to the darker themes and sounds in the music scene and it always reminds me of my spooky, quiet girl roots.

Deftones lead singer, Chino Moreno, says that it's a metaphorical song. It's about treating others like shit (or taking them for granted and not giving them the love and attention they deserve) and then being completely blown away when you see them flourishing without you in their lives. In my head, I've always associated it with a situation where a boy rejects a girl but then he starts wanting her again after she takes power over her own life and starts to shine on her own. If I may dive into the language of romantic comedies, it calls to mind a scene in one of my favorite Meg Ryan movies, "French Kiss." In the scene, Kate (Meg Ryan) has succeeded in attracting her fiance back from the arms of his gorgeous French mistress. They're starting to get busy and Charlie says "it's like someone lit a fire in you." And she asks him, "Why weren't you the one? The one who turned on this big shiny Kate-light that burns so bright?" After that, she reminds him that she's still herself, she's just more herself than she ever was with him. And that's the thing - if the people you're around don't inspire you to be the most amazingly authentic you that you can be....if they keep trying to change who you are to fit them....what are they doing in your life? Also, Kate never had to try to be someone different with Luc, he just liked her how she was, weird neuroses and all. She was already lovable - why chase after some schmuck who didn't see that light glowing already?

I took you home

Set you on the glass

I pulled off your wings

Then I laughed

I watched a change in you

It's like you never had wings

Now you feel so alive

I have watched you change

No archetype today, we're just going to go straight to the shadow work questions, because I've already ranted a little bit too long and I have a party to go to. We're going to focus on personal power and authenticity, and whether or not we're owning ourselves. Ask yourself the following questions:

• How much of what you do is to please other people? Do you find yourself worrying about doing things you want to do because of the opinions/reactions of the people in your life?
• Do you feel like anyone really understands you? Or do you feel like you're hiding parts of yourself to keep the peace?
• In your relationships (romantic, friendships, work, family), are your needs being met? Sexual needs (e.g., physical affection and stimulation), Social needs (e.g., attention, recognition, quality time), Intellectual needs (e.g., stimulating conversations, learning new things). Do you even know what those needs are?
• If you're not having your needs met, have you tried to address them with the people in your life? What were their reactions if you have?
• If you got a negative reaction, did you put your needs aside just to "keep the peace" i.e., keep the other person happy?
• Do you feel like you can be yourself in most situations? If not, what situations result in you putting on a mask?
• Finally, are you being supportive of others being their most authentic selves or do you find yourself being critical? This isn't to say you have to like everything about someone, but are you able to be compassionate and understanding when others are trying new things?

A lot of personal power is tied up in this idea of the "authentic self" and to get to that, you have to know who you are when you're not trying to be anything. You have to be able to identify whether or not you're pretending to be someone you're not. You also need to be clear on what your needs are in order to properly understand if they're being met. This can get kind of difficult because if you've been wearing the facade for a long time, others may criticize you for being "fake," pretending to be someone else, or say that it's out of character for you to vocalize what you want. Usually, this happens because the facade you wore was beneficial for them in some way. Maybe you never pushed them on their bad habits before or always let them be the center of attention. Or maybe you never voiced how annoyed you were that they were always making the plans or making choices for you without asking. It's important to note that the people who are worth keeping around are the ones who will understand the changes and maybe even encourage them, because they just want you to be happy.

I'll end with a little Twitter wisdom/film humor to wrap this up. If a girl's eyeliner game gets fabulous all of a sudden, she's turned evil. And it's probably too late to run. 

"Change (In the House of Flies)" Video