I heard this song about a month ago, which was the perfect time. I've been going through some turmoil, lately, which culminated yesterday with an assault of emotions. Stress from planning and hosting a party, acclimating to new job responsibilities, awkward social situations, and saying goodbye (but not really goodbye) to a good friend who is moving on to her next challenge at a new job. That's not to say there hasn't been good parts. I think I'm reaching some sort of equilibrium. I've actually felt really happy once in a while in the past couple weeks. Of course, when I'm happy, I tend to run my mouth. I'm sure people are like, "Man...Jess won't shut up," but whatever. They'll deal with it. I'm allowed to be happy.
Anyway, I've discovered - or decided, more like - that I really like Shawn Mendes as an artist. His song lyrics always have an intensely graphic quality. For example, take the bridge from "Mercy" - "Consuming all the air inside my lungs/Ripping all the skin from off my bones/I'm prepared to sacrifice my life/I would gladly do it twice." Holy crap, that's dark. "Mercy" is about inspiration and how it can take you dark places, as per some interview he did for an LA radio station. I dig it, Shawn. Of course, Shawn Mendes is one of those insanely attractive but also disgustingly talented kids whom you kind of hope bursts into flames. But only sometimes.
"In My Blood" is about how sometimes you want to give up - which some people do - but that's just not who he is. And it's not me, either. Sure, I'll bottle all that madness up inside but at least, on the outside, it will seem like I have my shit together. It's exhausting, sometimes. But people - like my son and my mom - depend on me to be strong, to hold things together, to provide some stability. So you take a few deep breaths, put on your big girl panties, and just do it.
I'm struck by another wave of insomnia so I've decided to do a
little late night writing on my son's favorite song to sing to (well, it was
until we got rid of Sirius XM). My son, who just turned two, is already way
cooler than I'll ever be. This kid was humming to Metallica and falling asleep
to Korn before he even understood what music was. In fact, we were listening to
today's song a couple days ago and he began singing. Of course, he doesn't
exactly know the lyrics - it's mostly babble, but at least it's babble to a
melody. I'm kind of concerned he's going to turn into a drummer but who am I to
criticize his questionable life choices.
Anyway, Red Sun Rising is quickly becoming my new favorite rock band (among several favorites - you know I have many), because pretty much every new song I hear has been effin' awesome. The lead
singer has a really beautiful voice, similar to how Chester Bennington had a
beautiful voice, when he wasn't screaming. I discovered them when they did a
cover of Alanis Morrisette's "Uninvited" for Sirius XM, which deserves
its own listen. It's better than the original - and that's hard for me to say
as a hardcore Alanis fan. Check it out on your own time, that's all I'm gonna
say. They also have reasonably cool videos - for "Fascination," they basically ripped parts of Georges Melies "Le Voyage dans la Lune" and set it to their song. Kind of lazy, kind of amazing.
So
"Deathwish"....okay, yes, kind of grim song title but I swear it's
very upbeat. Are the lyrics dark? Perhaps a little nihilistic? Sure, but that's
how I like it. Goth but annoyingly catchy. Cheerleader goth, if you will. Yes,
that's a thing - look it up. The video is kind of messed up. Like "I
probably shouldn't let my son watch this" messed up, but he's usually
playing with his cars when we're YouTube surfing, so I don't think he's
paying attention anyway. Besides, all his favorite movies are about genocide
anyway (*cough*Trolls*cough*). I should really stop overthinking children's
films....that would be easier if I could sleep. Okay, I'm done with my rant.
Video below.
After the Olympics this past winter, I vanished down YouTube's click hole watching figure skating videos. I re-watched Tonya Harding land her first triple axle at Albertville, learned about the mechanics of axles and why they're so difficult, fell in love with Johnny Weir (again....seriously, I know he's probably not straight but he's still a hot goth), and reminisced about seeing Nancy Kerrigan when I was 10. However, this trip with the Ghost of Figure Skating Past all started with Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir - who are totally NOT dating - and the ice dance that won them the gold. Well, I actually couldn't find their performance at the actual Olympics, but I did watch the racier version that they performed at the semi-finals. True to form, I was reminded how much I love the music (and everything else) in "Moulin Rouge." I followed the rabbit to their other performances and thus re-discovered today's song du jour....a bittersweet tune by the Canadian rock band, The Tragically Hip (which fits because I myself am tragically hip).
Gord Downie, the lead singer of The Hip, died last year of brain cancer. Tessa and Scott paid tribute to Downie during their gala program for the Olympics with an ice dance set to "Long Time Running." Now, I've read the lyrics about a hundred times and I couldn't tell you what they're supposed to mean. I'm bad at that...but I can tell you what I think it's about. The music sounds sad and wistful and faintly resentful at times. I'm pretty sure he's singing to a girl who has been kind of dragging him along for some years. Whatever. It's beautiful. And just to prove how Canadian they are, they referenced dropping a caribou, which I can only imagine means he shot one. That could be a metaphor, though. Maybe the girl is the caribou - a great majestic creature that is difficult to...? Hunt? Capture? Sure. Let's go with that.
I just asked Dr. Google...."dropping a caribou" is a reference to feeding Canadian quarters in a pay phone. I told you I was bad at this. With that understanding.......I got nothin'. It's a good song when you're feeling pensive, though, and it has become one of my new favorites. Just for fun (and I feel that everyone needs to understand the awesomeness that is Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir), I'm going to share their figure skating routine since "Long Time Running" doesn't have an official video.
I just barely saw "Justice League" last night so I'm probably late to the game on this one but I've fallen in love with Sigrid's version of "Everybody Knows." It's no secret I'm a fan of Leonard Cohen and it's not just his voice - the lyrics he wrote have a way of cutting just straight to your heart. Of describing everything you're feeling during a very specific time in your life. "Everybody Knows" has captured that heavy feeling that I've had since June 2015. Even though I wasn't especially pro-Hillary, I thought it was beautiful that SNL used Cohen's "Hallelujah" as a way to sort of say "the fight isn't over," even though the general tone of that song is more resignation to, rather than acceptance of, a dire situation.I was very disappointed that day - and looking back at all that has happened in the past year, I feel justified in feeling that way.
"Everybody Knows" is saying just that - everybody knows there's something wrong, everybody knows that things are not okay, but that doesn't change anything. To me, it seems like there's a lot of that feeling going around. And I'm not just talking about the general state of the world and not just in US politics and society (although, every day, there's something even more surreal on the news). This kind of cosmic darkness has filtered down and settled in parts of my own life. I'm working harder than ever but it seems like that's not good enough. My best isn't good enough. I'm feeling undervalued, I know I'm underpaid, but I continue because I'm hoping things will get better soon. But I'm losing that faith, that optimism or whatever you'd call it -- and I don't want that to happen. I've always thought I was a hopeful person - perhaps a little idealistic (okay....maybe a lot idealistic) but generally, I thought things would just get better if you keep working hard and stay positive. Lately I feel like - if the world ended tomorrow, that would be the least of it. Just another Monday.
I've been trying to stay away from the news. It's hard, because I'm addicted to Twitter, and thus addicted to the misery and drama of it all. It's just been kind of fueling this belief that bad things happen and no one cares and it's not going to get better. But I want it to get better and I want to help make it better. And I can't do that without hope.
Even though I fell asleep halfway through, I'm pretty sure I just summed up the moral lesson of "Justice League." You're welcome.
I'm including the videos for both the Sigrid version and the Leonard Cohen version. Because they're both a-mazing, in their own way....but you already knew that ;)
UPDATE: Later in the day, "coalition" forces (i.e., Trump, May, and Macron) decided to bomb Syria. Not sure what casualties, if any, resulted but my heart goes out to the Syrian people. If you're looking for a way to help them, NuDay Syria helps mothers and children affected by the civil war and the resultant conflicts. A $30 donation can provide a baby in Syria with formula and diapers for a month. If you're feeling helpless, consider donating to this or one of the other amazing organization helping people in need.
I've been struggling a bit since the death of Dolores O'Riordan on January 15. I know that everyone who defines themselves as a "90s kid" is saying this but The Cranberries shaped my musical identity. Do you know what it's like to be a pathetic little 7-year-old playing "No Need to Argue" on repeat? Well, I do. I loved O'Riordan's voice. Loved it. I wished it was mine. And it made me wish I was Irish instead of the American mish-mash of Hispanic and Italian that I was. It made me dream of visiting Ireland, even though I know now that Ireland was kind of a hellish place to be, even as recently as the 90s. As a kid, I enjoyed celtic rhythms and was obsessed with river-dancing and it all started with her. With her voice, high and pure like a crystal bell at times, so primal and full of pain at others.
Of course, the one song that will embody her legacy is "Zombie." I feel that's fitting. I'm a bit of a soft touch, so there are a lot of songs that will make me cry if the circumstances are right. "Zombie" always makes me cry, though. Always, and especially now that I understand the history of the IRA and the Irish Civil War. Because it's a story that's still playing out today - not in Ireland anymore, of course (Thank Brigid!) - but in many other countries. I can't listen to the lyrics anymore and not think of the children in Yemen or Syria, the Rohingya people, or about the refugees from South American cartels. I don't know how other people can hear "Zombie" and not find themselves torn over the state of the world today. And at the end, when O'Riordan is vocalizing - heaving animalistic cries that pierce into the very core of your soul - something inside me always breaks.
I think O'Riordan understood that. She wrote "Zombie" after IRA bombings in 1993 killed two children, because she couldn't look away. And I wonder if she still felt that pain even today, when she sang it or if she heard "Zombie" on the radio. I listen to that song and I feel so guilty about bringing my son into the world. For wanting to have more children in the future. Because I know that the world isn't any better than it was in 1993. In many ways, I'd say it was worse. And it's my son (and his hypothetical brothers and sisters) who will have to fix it because my generation and my parents generation failed.
A few days after Dolores O'Riordan died, my husband heard a cover of "Zombie" on Sirius XM. It's a really good cover and fairly true to the original except they changed a couple of the words, to tremendous impact. They add drones to the list of weapons used to keep the fight going. "With their tanks/and their bombs/and their bombs/and their drones." Then, they changed "It's the same old theme/Since 1916" - when the Irish Troubles started - to "It's the same old theme/In 2018" - because the violence never stopped, it just changed locations. As I said, it's a good cover and it will always be a song we need to hear. O'Riordan was supposed to record vocals on the Bad Wolves version of "Zombie" but she died before that happened.
The coroner's office hasn't released the cause of death for O'Riordan yet and we might not know until April. She was so young, only in her late 40s. I hope it wasn't suicide, which seems to be the main reason we've been losing some of our most beloved musicians nowadays - but if it was, I think I understand. Feeling so deeply about the world can be exhausting, which is why we have to find what lifts us up and hold onto them. Rest in power, Dolores.
Here's the video for the Bad Wolves version of "Zombie:"
And then the original video for "Zombie," whose raw and powerful visuals will always be poignant:
Full disclosure: I would not consider myself a Beyonce fan. Definitely not a member of the Bey-hive, as her fans are called. I enjoy some of her songs but I don't own any full albums and I'm not sure I would personally buy a ticket to see her live (but definitely wouldn't say no if someone invited me). That being said, in my personal opinion, "Lemonade" was absolutely brilliant. Raw, powerful, and obviously extremely personal for Beyonce. I feel like it was her masterpiece, that she tapped into something she's been striving for throughout her career. I'll admit, I shed a few tears, the experience was so emotional.
Just a note - I'm a little late to the game because I don't have HBO and had to track down the full video on the Internet (which was unusually hard). Honestly, I probably wouldn't have bothered if Twitter wasn't all "you have to see this!" But I'm really glad I did.
Culture and Community: Lemonade, Spirituality, and #BlackGirlMagic - This article was written by a member of the pagan community for The Wild Hunt. The author discusses the symbolism in the video, specifically in regards to African Diasporic religions and other pagan/witchy themes, and her perspective as a black woman.
The History of Becky with the Good Hair - The significance of the name "Becky" in "Sorry." While a lot of articles dealt with who "Becky" is (Hint: It's none of your fucking business), this article goes into why Beyonce may have chose the name to signify the other woman.
...Or ashes pressed into vinyl records for our loved ones to listen to when we're gone. Perhaps it's morbid, but I've actually given a lot of thought into what I want my family to do if I die. I haven't written it down on paper or anything -- I'm only 28 -- but maybe I should. Because I don't want a traditional funeral. I would think, after hanging around me for 20+ years, my family and friends would know that about me but you never can tell who's paying attention.
If I had to choose, I would prefer to be put into one of those pods that they plant under a sapling so that my life continues as nourishment for a majestic tree. Some Italian company came up with the design and I heard they are still illegal in some places. Damn regulations and such. My backup option is to be turned into an LP. In steps And Vinyly....
For £3000, Vinyly - obviously, a UK based company - will press your loved ones (including pets!) into a two-sided vinyl record. The base price gets you a customized cover - with standard "Rest In Vinyl (R.I.V) artwork, fun name, and dates of death and birth - and 12 minutes of audio on each side. The audio must be supplied by the customer and Vinyly does not take responsibility for any copyrighted material that you include. They will print up to 30 discs for the base price and will print more for an additional price. They offer include add-ons, like spooky music tracks written and composed especially for you, a portrait done by James Hague or Paul Insect, distribution of your record to music stores around the world (I see this becoming a thing), and, for £10,000+, they'll even plan a unique funeral.
Clearly, this will take some planning. With 12 minutes a side (let's assume I'm not going to pay for extra time because I'm cheap....no, seriously, I am), that leaves room for either 8 three-minute songs or 6 four-minute songs. Realistically, there's only room for 5 songs and a brief personal message. Naturally, I got to thinking about the 5 songs I want my family and friends to remember me by. They can't just be some of my favorite songs - I love "Blank Space" but I don't necessarily want Taylor Swift to be my death knell. It had to be 5 songs that mean something to me and the people who love/know me best. Here's what I am up with.
Click for Side A
Side A
1. "Frankly, Mr. Shankly" by The Smiths (2:19)
I once read in an Amazon review that "we all go through a 'Smiths' phase, but not everyone grows out of it." I am definitely one of those people that has yet to grow out of it. My best friend and brain twin, Anabel, can attest to this, as she has frequently seen me scrawl the following lyrics across many a shady bathroom wall: "Fame, fame, fatal fame/It can play curious tricks on the brain/But I'd rather be Famous/Than righteous or holy/Any day, Any day, Any day." Those lyrics, my friends, are from "Frankly, Mr. Shankly" and are still as true to me today as the day I first heard them. I think it's some kind of instinct for people to know who you are. And there's no other song I would choose to begin my descent into Hades.
2. "Killer Queen" by Queen (3:02)
"Killer Queen" is one of my favorite Queen songs. Some people may be thinking, "If you're going to include Queen, why not go with 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'" Don't get me wrong - "Bohemian Rhapsody" is a masterpiece and a classic. But when I needed to be pumped up before a play rehearsal, it was "Killer Queen" that I would have my dad play. I don't know what it was about that song, but it made me feel powerful and unstoppable. In my head, I imagined it was a song about a transvestite prostitute. I have no idea why or why teenage-Me would consider that a message of empowerment but I did. It also brings back happy memories of my dad - back from whatever deployment he'd been on - would drive me to choir practice or to theatre rehearsal or French club. Well, that and "Safety Dance," which - I shit you not - is going to played for the Father-Daughter dance at my wedding, assuming The Boyfriend ever proposes.
3. "Rhiannon" by Fleetwood Mac (live version) (6:41)
Another song that reminds me of long drives with my dad. He saw Fleetwood Mac perform this song live at New Mexico State University. Before she performed this song, Stevie Nicks would tell the audience that it was inspired by a story of Welsh witch. I feel this song deeply, not just because I identify as a witch, but because I want to be a woman that exists only "once in a million years." On "American Horror Story: Coven," Misty Day had Zoe listen to "Rhiannon," telling her that Stevie was the only witch before Zoe that she'd ever known. "Listen to the lyrics. This song was her anthem...doesn't it just penetrate your soul and tell the truth about everything you've ever felt in your whole life?" "Yeah, totally." Indeed. I'm not a witch because of this song, but that doesn't mean it didn't have an influence.
I chose the live version because we'd listen to "The Dance" on long drives to grandma's house or when he was driving me back to school (like my parents, I attended NMSU). The lyrics are slightly different from the "Greatest Hits" album version and I always get tripped up when singing along to that version. I prefer the lyrics from the live performance - Stevie Nicks gets so wrapped up in them - but both versions are pretty amazing.
Side A Total = 12:02 (a little over....hopefully, they don't charge for 2 seconds extra)
