"What Was I Made For?" by Billie Eilish

Hi Barbie! As you probably know, yesterday was Barbie Day - the day when the much anticipated "Barbie Movie" was officially released. I am, without a doubt, a Barbie fangirl. I love Barbie - always have, always will. Not surprisingly, we're finding that many women in my generation (the Millennial generation) feel that way. We grew up in the 90s, when Barbie's popularity was really at her peak. It was before the Monster High Dolls and Bratz and the various other bobble-headed options we have today. Between me and my sisters, we had dozens of dolls - and that's not including the dozens of Special Edition Barbies my parents have stored at their house. My plan for when my house is finished (it's currently being built) is to get a display cabinet and then liberate them from the garage. I might even take some of them out of the box! (GASP!!!) 

I used to float, now I just fall down

I used to know, but I'm not sure now

What I was made for

What was I made for?

One thing that's important about this era in Barbieland is that Mattel really grasped the importance of representation for children, especially young girls. Barbie has had a Black counterpart for Barbie (Christie) and Ken (Steven) since the 60s, a Hispanic (Theresa) counterpart since the late 80s, and has since had Barbies in all body types, nationalities, and skin tones since the 90s. I myself had a Theresa doll, whom I re-christened "Jessica" (of course!) that largely carried out my fantasy adventures. Beyond that, Barbie has been become an LGBTQIA+ icon, which include the first transgender Barbie based on Laverne Cox released last year. And if you want to see something heartwarming, there are dozens of IG reels of gay men buying their first Barbie, because playing with (feminine) dolls wasn't something that was acceptable for young boys 20+ years ago. Now, seriously, who gives a shit? Dudes, hate to break it to you but....Barbie is woke.

I have read a few books on the history and evolution of Barbie and one thing that becomes glaringly obvious is that Barbie is a feminist icon. Now, I have known many a girl who will protest, pretentiously claiming, "Oh, I never played with Barbies" to whom I'd say: Bitch, you ain't special. Such women wear this as a badge of honor, refusing to acknowledge how the influence of this 11 1/2 inch doll has fundamentally shaped their status in society for the better. Before Barbie, a woman working outside the home was rare and temporary. In fact, the only dolls girls had to play with before Barbie were baby dolls - because a little girl was expected to become a mother some day.  A woman going to college for an advanced degree was an anomaly. The mere idea of a woman being a doctor, an astronaut, or anything other than a housewife and a mother was a fantasy. After Barbie, the ambitions of whole generations of women changed. Barbie was the first female Presidential candidate, a giant leap Mattel made after Geraldine Ferraro's historic run as the first Vice Presidential nominee...and she's been running every four years ever since. When you stop to think about it, there are so many careers open to women because Barbie did it first. She put the idea out there and the women of America (and indeed, the world) ran with it and wouldn't back down. That is the power of imagination and imaginative play.

Takin' a drive, I was an ideal

Looked so alive, turns out I'm not real

Just somethin' you paid for

What was I made for?

Let's look at the astrology of Barbie Day, because it was significant from an archetypal standpoint. If I didn't know any better, I'd say Greta Gerwig - or possibly even the studios - intentionally elected this day because of the astrology. First off, this entire week has been significant in terms of major transits - Mars in Virgo was squaring Saturn in Pisces, the nodes switched onto the Aries-Libra axis, and we're ending the week with the Sun in Cancer opposite Pluto in Capricorn, Venus stationing Retrograde in Leo, and finally, the Sun moves into Leo mid-Saturday (i.e., today). For those who don't keep track of astrological transits, that is a lot for one week. And I don't know about you but, boy, I felt it! Possibly one of the craziest weeks I've had in an already crazy year.

The transits I feel most directly reflect the plot of the Barbie Movie are the nodes moving to the Aries-Libra axis, Venus Retrograde, and Sun opposite Pluto - ordered from least to most significant. The switch to the Aries-Libra axis is straightforward - Aries is the sign of Independence, Leadership, and Individuality whereas Libra is the sign of Partnership, Cooperation, and Aesthetics. Barbie is known to be pretty, kind, smart, helpful, talkative, fashionable....but perhaps just a little bit vapid. This is the quintessential, one-dimensional description of Libra. Ruled by Venus, Libras prefer to be in relationship and independence is difficult. In the movie, Barbie chooses to leave BarbieLand to discover things on her own, to pursue her own Hero's Journey - this is a very Aries-like choice. We can intellectualize the Aries-Libra axis as the Lover vs Fighter question - to succeed, we need to be a little of both. We need to be able to speak for our own needs, desires, and boundaries, while still remaining in connection with others. This isn't easy and it's a lesson we'll all be working through over the next 18 months.

Venus is stationing Retrograde in Leo today so, at the time of the Barbie premiere, Venus was completely stopped in the sky. Venus in Leo is flamboyant, dramatic, generous, excessively romantic - a bold and fiery lover. However, when Venus stations Retrograde - in any sign - we may see the shadow side of her core concerns - relationships, beauty, harmony, personal values, luxury and finances - come out. Venus Retrograde is much like Inanna's journey to the Underworld. The Goddess must turn inward and look at who she is without all the vestments that supposedly make her divine. This is not unlike what happens to Barbie in the movie (based on the trailers I've seen) - she has to find out who she is without her perfect Barbie accessories and lifestyle to define who she is. On a worldwide scale, we may be taking a deep look at how much we get back for what we give (as you may have noticed from all the labor strikes, especially the SAG-AFTRA....acting and actors are closely associated with Leo). Leo is the sign of generosity, courage, creativity, and living authentically from the heart. Over the next 40 days, we'll be put in situations that force us to take a look at if we're embodying those things in the area of our chart that Leo rules (for me as a Gemini Rising, that's going to be the 3rd House, which covers Communication, Community, Early Education, Transportation, and Siblings/Extended Family). 

Finally, it's important to note that the chart of The Barbie Movie, is a Cancer Sun, with the Sun opposite Pluto Retrograde in Capricorn. Cancer is known to be a softer, more feminine sign - womanly arts and values, like motherhood, creative hobbies, and protection, all find a comfortable outlet in this sign. Additionally, Margot Robbie, who plays Barbie, has a Cancer heavy chart and she's a Cancer Rising, which means the Moon is her chart ruler. The Moon, even more than Venus, represents the Feminine aspect, and - like me - Robbie's Moon is in Scorpio, which is basically the Moon's least favorite place. In this opposition, Pluto is strengthened because 1) it's in Capricorn, a sign where it flourishes and 2) it's Retrograde, which tends to increase the potency of any planet's influence. Archetypically, with the planets on the Cancer-Capricorn axis, we can see an underlying struggle between comfort and ambition, home and work, emotional security and financial security. Cancer wants to go towards they feel emotionally safe, towards authentic connection, whereas Capricorn can tend to put those things aside as long as the image they portray is perfect. The plot of the movie is basically Barbie having an Existentialist Crisis. She is living the "perfect dream life" but she doesn't know why she exists, who she is, or even if that's who she wants to be. She experiences a Dark Night of the Soul (DNOTS), which doesn't necessarily always look all dark and serious a la Oppenheimer. In fact, "Oppenheimer" is a good foil for "Barbie" because it shows a different side of what is essentially the same experience. Sometimes, a DNOTS is grappling with the great questions of who we are and questioning the value of what we're putting out into the world; sometimes, it's just fumbling through everyday life as if we don't know what we're doing (even if we thought we had a good idea the day before). 

When did it end? All the enjoyment

I'm sad again, don't tell my boyfriend

It's not what he's made for

What was I made for?

You may have noticed it but we're in the throes of a great philosophical battle between Existentialism and Nihilism. Nihilism is the philosophy that there is no meaning in the world and nothing one does matters (the underlying message being....so just do whatever you want); whereas Existentialism argues that we need to create the meaning for ourselves. Nihilism fuels excess consumption and meaningless relationships with both people, inanimate objects, and nature. Even with The Barbie Movie, I have never seen a film more beneficial for pop culture materialism, with Barbie collaborations happening for everything ranging from food and clothing to interior decor and vacations. However, I've also seen an outpouring of independent creation from her fans and a renewed interest in uplifting Barbie to a role she has always held - a symbol of the people.....a role model for the younger generation.....and as an egalitarian icon.

Due to the amazing marketing that resulted from both the movies opening on the same day, one cannot speak on "The Barbie Movie" without mentioning "Oppenheimer." For the record, I want to see both and I love that people have turned this into an opportunity for a double feature (a pastime the public rarely engages in anymore due to the increasing costs of going to the cinema). "Oppenheimer' deals with an entirely different kind of existentialist crisis - Man versus the destructive nature of his Creation. It's a theme you may most readily recognize from Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein." True story - the first nuclear explosion occurred on 16 July 1945. The ultimate symbol of destruction is a Cancer Sun. And Pluto in Cancer ruled over The Great War era (which happens to coincide with on of my favorite aesthetics, Dieselpunk). Let's not downplay it - the atomic bomb is one of the most amazing feats of engineering and physics mankind has ever achieved. But it's also, by far and away, the most destructive and ever since that July day in the New Mexico desert, the threat of Nuclear Armageddon has weighed on humanity. It brings to mind the ghosts of legacy, because the atomic bomb is a part of my family history. My grandparents worked on The Manhattan Project - my grandfather's work is what made such a creation possible. And it's a surreal experience seeing two things that shaped my childhood - Barbie and fond memories of Los Alamos - brought to the big screen. It's humbling to see the interconnections between these seemingly disparate movies and my own life.

Think I forgot how to be happy

Somethin' I'm not, but somethin' I can be

Somethin' I wait for

Somethin' I'm made for

Somethin' I'm made for

This song was written by Eilish specifically for "The Barbie Movie." Unlike a lot of the rest of the soundtrack - which is full of upbeat dance-pop, such as Dua Lipa's "Dance the Night Way" - Eilish's contribution embraces the melancholic side of the existentialist musing found throughout the film's plot. Eilish's voice has that seductive sadness that fits the theme of the movies so well. The music video for the song features Billie Eilish, who looks as young as she is, setting up Barbie's dream closet. After the first couple verses and chorus, she's assaulted by a storm...but she persists. When the storm ends, she cleans up and lays her head down, a quick moment of surrender before she runs off.

"What Was I Made For?" Official Video

Breaking the Algorithm

 One of my resolutions this year is to fall down the rabbit hole more, i.e., doing far more research into things than is healthy. Basically, entertain my fleeting obsessions while I'm still interested in them. As you know, one of my favorite things is music, which means one of my favorite phone apps is (mais bien sur). As you may have guessed, I pay for Spotify Premium. Aside from my digital library card (which is free), the two subscriptions I cannot live without are the membership to my pole studio and Spotify Premium. These are self-care for me and non-negotiables in my budget. As such, I genuinely enjoy Spotify Unwrapped Day and look forward to the insights it provides me. For example, I listen to nearly 2.5 hours of music and podcasts a day (between my commute to work, my studio, running/at home pole sessions, and my kids' bath time, those minutes add up). And apparently, I'm in the top 7% of Taylor Swift listeners (give me a break - as noted, I listen to way more music than the average person, which means even it I listen to a moderate amount of T-Swift, it's going to be more than the average person). Finally, Spotify gives everyone a "listening personality." And here's where the rabbit hole starts.

For 2022, my listening personality was the "Early Adopter." Okay, sure....I can agree with that. But then, everyone else I know is also an "Early Adopter".....well, except my coworker who mostly listens to K-pop and gangsta rap. He got the "Adventurer" and that's when I started getting curious. What goes into this "listening personality"? Spotify knows everything about my listening habits - how many paranormal podcasts I'm subscribed to; how many episodes of manifestation podcasts I paid attention to (even though they all say the same thing and recycle each other's bullshit); how many hours of T-Swift I actually consumed; how often I look up songs I hear on IG reels; my favorite playlists for every type of situation in my life; and the list goes on. Spotify knows all my dirty secrets.....and yet, my listening personality is still the same as everyone else? Curiouser and curiouser. I wasn't even sure there were other personality types. And thus, I consulted Dr. Google.

Surprise! There's actually a lot of data analytics and musicology that goes into the Spotify Listening Personality. It's basically a personality test, similar to the Myers-Brigs Type Indicator (MBTI), which scores a person's listening habits on four different spectrums:

• Familiarity (F) vs Exploration (E) - Do you mostly listen to music you're familiar with? Do you tend to stick with one genre or a few artists? Or do you tend to explore other genres, artists, styles, etc? 
• Timelessness (T) vs Newness (N) - Basically, this is about your preference for listening to the Billboard Top 40. Are you only listening to new music right when it comes out or do your tastes span the range of musical history, defying genres and style periods?
• Loyalty (L) vs Variety (V) - Do you tend to listen to songs on repeat or do you prefer to listen to a multitude of songs before going back to familiar favorites?
• Commonality (C) vs Uniqueness (U) - This speaks to the popularity of the artists you listen to. Do you tend to listen to artists who have fans in the tens of millions (like, um, Taylor Swift) or do you prefer unknown, obscure artists (for example, Johnny Goth...love him!) who maybe only have a few thousand followers?

After the number crunching, the combinations of these four spectrums should spit out 16 distinct personalities. Given these descriptions, I was kind of surprised I got the Early Adopter (EVNC). Yes, I'd agree that I tend towards Exploration and Variety, but then I think my tastes veer more towards Timelessness and Uniqueness (damn it....my love of T-Swift clearly probably messed up my rankings). Then I started to wonder....well, how do we influence the data if we wanted to get one of the other Listening Personalities? Well, to understand that, you need to better understand the full spectrum of Listening Personalities. Here is a brief description of each:

• Early Adopter (EVNC) - The Early Adopter is always looking for the next big thing. They may find new music through the radio or social media, and they tend to be a tastemaker. The Early Adopter tends to have an ear for what might be popular in the near future but they get bored easily. Onto the next song.
• The Adventurer (EVNU) - This listener is always looking for their new favorite song. The Adventurer wants to hear something they've never heard before....and that they might choose to never hear again. This listener explores genres and the latest releases to curate a vibe that is truly unique on the music scene. 
• The Deep Diver (FTVU) - This type of listener knows what they like and will seek out more of the same. The Deep Diver might dive into a single artist's discography but might also try out the artists listed in the "Similar Artists" panel. Listen and repeat.
• The Devotee (FNLU) - Similar to the Deep Diver, this type of listener has one or several favorite artists that they have on repeat. The Devotee tends to hang out in the "This Is..." section of Spotify but may go through a single artist's entire discography simply because all of their favorite songs are by this particular person or band.
• The Replayer (FTLU) - This listener always goes back to their old favorites. The Replayer might have a lot of favorite songs but they're probably not going to venture outside of their comfort zone very often. Their repertoire may dip into several decades, especially music and genres that were popular during their childhood.
• The Connoisseur (FTLC) - The Connoisseur tends to stick to what has held up over time. Old classics that are still popular and new hits that seem to follow the same trend. Not particularly adventurous, the music this listener enjoys tends to have a common thread running through it.
• The Maverick (ETLU) - This listener's favorite band is someone you've never heard of in a genre you probably never listen to. The Maverick's tastes are eccentric and they wouldn't be caught dead listening to the Billboard Top 40. 
• The Fan Clubber (FNVC) - Once this listener finds an artist they really like (whether they're popular or undiscovered), they go all out in their support. The Fan Clubber is the one sharing the artist's music with friends, singing their praises on Tik Tok and IG, and who is subtly popping their songs into their playlists. These are the listeners who find the music before the Early Adopters - Early Adopters may make an artist popular, but the Fan Clubbers make sure the music is heard in the first place.
• The Top Charter (ETLC) - This listener loves a hit. The Top Charter usually gets into an artist when they're at the top of their game, when you can't escape their music on the radio. They're playlists tend to be filled with all the songs that hit the Top 40 at some point, regardless of genre. 
• The Enthusiast (FNLC) - The Enthusiast is similar to the Deep Diver and the Devotee, except they tend to focus most on a singular artist (Hello Swifties!) They are deeply supportive of their favorite artist but their fandom goes beyond even the Fan Clubber. Not only are they listening to the latest release, but they're buying all the merch and going to all the shows. Even if tickets cost $1000 for nosebleed seats. 
• The Time Traveler (ETVU) - Similar to the Adventurer, except the time period the music was created has little importance. The Time Traveler is always looking for their new favorite song or artist, regardless of the genre or time period it was created in. This person tends to have a diverse taste in music and was voted most likely to be bummed a band broke up.....20 years after it happened. (NOTE: This is the type of listener I actually think I am.)
• The Musicologist (ETVC) - Similar to the Time Traveler, except these listeners tend to be more focused on a particular genre or time period. The Musicologist is a specialist at heart....if they're into Emo and Pop Punk, they know all about the music that came out in the early 2000s. If they're into Country music, they know who won the CMT award for Best Female Vocalist in 1992 (it was Mary Chapin Carpenter....I did the googling for you), and if they like Disco, you can bet they know all the best tunes for doing the Hustle.
• The Nomad (ENLU) - The Nomad explores far and wide to find their music. This listener often has songs from other countries in multiple languages throughout a wide variety of genres. Perhaps they found their latest listen while traveling abroad, after checking out the local music scene. They enjoy finding undiscovered gems and when they find a good one, it will stay in their hearts (and on their playlists) forever.
• The Voyager (ENLC) - Similar to the Nomad, the Voyager is also searching the world for a new hit. However, they do have a comfort genre and all their favorite songs, regardless of origin, will sound a little bit similar. Maybe they have a sweet tooth for sugary Pop, whether it comes from Korea, Germany, or the USA. Or perhaps they're really into R&B, even if it's sung in Farsi. They know the elements they like and that always translates. 
• The Jukeboxer (FTVC) - This listener has a multitude of favorites they're always coming back to. The Jukeboxer is the master of the playlist but the same song might be on all of them. They tend to stay in their comfort zone, but it's a pretty big comfort zone that extends from classic oldies to new hits. 
• The Specialist (FNVU) - The Specialist is similar to the Musicologist, but with less depth. They do have discerning tastes and they're not particularly venturesome, but once they find an artist they like, they'll keep coming back. They might not be as wildly passionate about an artist as the Fan Clubber or the Enthusiast, but they will catch a concert if their favorite artist is in town.

Now you know everything I know about listening personalities. Thus, I've set out on a mission. In order to shake things up, I've been taking the scenic route on my listening voyage. Instead of sticking to my usual playlists, I've been exploring more genres I don't listen to as often, diving deep into the discography of artists I've just discovered, and checking out more tunes from other countries (a lot of K-Pop and Latin music like cumbia and reggaetón). I want to see where I end up on the above spectrum when I get out of my shell and truly attempt to become a well-listened individual. It's been fun and definitely different. I've become obsessed with a ton of new music lately that I've wanted to write about for months now.

Full disclosure: I started writing this blog post in January. As you may have noticed, it's June now. That is how my 2023 is going....I've hardly had time to catch my breath. Even so, I'm finding I have a new idea for a blog post almost weekly. The execution, however, has been a bit delayed. Between kids, pole training, being promoted at work (i.e., mo' money, mo' problems), and family issues, I've barely had time to do daily pages. I get up at 4:30AM just to write a couple pages for 30 minutes. And, although daily pages technically counts as writing, I don't really feel like it is, so my new writing goal is to try and finish the stuff I've started in this blog. Which, embarrassingly, includes like 10 posts that are currently in draft (nothing but a title and a few notes about where my train of thought was that day). I think I can commit to one post a week, at least for the next few months. That is my new goal for 2023....in addition to the rabbit hole diving.

Manifesting your dream life is about commitment - to daily habits, meeting goals, and living your values. That has been my major lesson thus far in 35th year around the Sun. More to come.

A Much Belated Birthday Post ("Getting Older" by Billie Eilish)

I turned 35 exactly half a year ago, today. And the fact that this post is coming so late says everything about where I am right now. The tenor of the song is different, too. Usually, I pick up-tempo, tongue-in-cheek references to pure Jessica-ness, like "California Girls" (Beach Boys or Katy Perry, take your pick), "22" by Taylor Swift, or - of course - my namesake, "Jessica" by the Allman Brothers. But none of those fit for this year. And for someone who loves her birthday and isn't one of those people who dreads aging, my birthday this year felt almost like an unbirthday. Because I had recently started a new job, I didn't take my birthday off (every employer gets one birthday when I work). And then the rest of the year kind of snuck up on me. Because that's what happens....life sneaks up on you.

I'm getting older, I think I'm aging well

I wish someone had told me I'd be doing this by myself

There's reasons that I'm thankful, there's a lot I'm grateful for

But it's different when a stranger's always waiting at your door

Which is ironic 'cause the strangers seem to want me more

Than anyone before (anyone before)

Too bad they're usually deranged

Coincidentally, today is also the Movie Star's birthday. Being the pathetically hopeless romantic that I am, I used to think that being born on the 6th day of the month exactly 6 months apart meant something once. Now, I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean anything (except that our natal Sun placements - 13/14° Cancer vs Capricorn - are exactly opposite). But I do remember that it's his birthday, because I have a head for birthdays. In my moving frenzy last Winter, I came across a journal entry lamenting the fact that I will never forget that today is his birthday. Melodramatic and silly...I now know I remember everyone's birthday because I'm that girl. The girl who will always learn people's birthdays (sometimes through trickery and subterfuge, if necessary), remember them, and wish them well. And now I'm extra dangerous, because I also calculate everyone's sun sign the minute I learn their birthday. This obsession with birthdays and birth charts is a quirk of mine from childhood and (for me) it never gets old.

Another person's birthday who I've being entranced with recently is V.E. Schwab, who was born the day after me and has a very similar birth chart, except that (due to being born a day later) she has Mars in Leo, instead of the last degree of Cancer. I even looked up her rising sign, which is supposedly Virgo. That's another bit of similarity, because that means we're both Mercury ruled. Unfortunately, I feel as if my Mercury-dominance is a bit scattered when it comes to writing and hers is very, very focused. She's quite prolific and has written several (20+) books and graphic novels. She is very much who I'd like to become some day, if I ever get my shit together. As much as I admire V.E. Schwab, I've only read one of her books - "The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue" - which, when I read it last Summer (during the week of our birthdays, actually), it got me thinking about the Movie Star. There's something about the way she wrote Henry Strauss, one of the main characters in the novel, that I couldn't help but picture him when I read it. Maybe it's the physical description she provides - dark hair, green eyes, Jewish heritage with a German last name. And I know he lived in New York at some point after graduation, so it makes me wonder if V.E. Schwab met him once. Or maybe she just saw him walking down the street, ridiculously tall (like 6'3") in a wool pea coat, which always suited him well. She didn't quite get his personality, though. No, his personality and his sorrows are more fitting for someone else. But he did have sad eyes and his whole face lit up when he smiled. Memory is a curious thing. There are few people I remember in such vivid detail and we weren't even really friends. I can even imagine what his voice sounded like when I knew him and that's always the first thing to go. It's frustrating because, while I remember the Movie Star so well, I'm losing pieces of people I desperately want to remember.

Today also happens to be a Full Moon in Cancer (aka, the Wolf Moon) - right on top of my natal Sun placement, mind you - and it's an excellent time for reflections, revelations, and emotional release. Memories - and having a particularly sharp memory - is a topic and trait closely associated with Cancerian nature. In an attempt to squeeze some brilliance out of this old grapefruit, my main intention for this year is to do daily morning pages. I wake up around 430 am in order to make time to do this and, as you can imagine, this gives me ample time for some prime navel gazing. I've been scraping the bottom of the barrel of my psyche - really digging that spatula into nooks and crannies - trying to figure out why this fucker keeps showing up in my dreams and my thoughts every few months. I think I finally understand. He never properly broke my heart. Sure, he rejected me and that sucked. Well, technically, I confessed my feelings to him and he said "I don't know," which I eventually concluded was a "no." But he could've easily taken advantage of how I felt about him and he didn't. The confusing signals and awkward flirting with me stopped, because I wouldn't have been so bold if I hadn't thought he reciprocated. He didn't keep me close so I could stroke his ego when he was feeling down. He didn't even try to be friends with me afterwards which, in hindsight, I'm really grateful for. It's cruel to try to force a friendship on someone who feels more intensely than you do, who wants more than that. Just peruse TikTok and Instagram to get a brief taste of how much emotional damage a "situationship" can cause.  No, I kept a respectful distance and he did the same. He may have rejected me but he never hurt me. As such, he serves as a beautiful, milquetoast security blanket that my mind goes to when thinking about more difficult things I'm going through. And for someone who often came off as full of himself, he was genuinely kind in a delicate situation. For that, I wish him well and hope he gets all the good things he deserves.

I know that was a crazy rant. We took a few left turns, so I'll try to get back on track. Let's talk about the song. As of this blog post, Billie Eilish is only 21 years old. This is the opening song to her album, "Happier Than Ever," which came out at the end of 2021. That means she was, at most, 19 years old when she wrote "Getting Older." Riddle me this - how does a 19-year-old write a song that perfectly describes where I (a 35-going-on-36 year old woman) am at in my own life? Obviously, she's much more self-aware than I was at 19. Keep in mind - the whole scenario with the Movie Star happened when I was 19, so clearly....I was a shit show. But I'm not sure I was this soul weary. Except for the time I went to Mass by myself and then cried for hours because I couldn't fake being a Catholic anymore (I'll call that fun escapade my Witch Awakening). Well, even if I wasn't soul weary then, I'm certainly feeling it now. My favorite lyrics are in the following verse (bolded for emphasis):

Last week, I realized I crave pity

When I retell a story, I make everything sound worse

Can't shake the feeling that I'm just bad at healing

And maybe that's the reason every sentence sounds rehearsed

Which is ironic because when I wasn't honest, I was still being ignored

(Lying for attention just to get neglection)

Now we're estranged

Can't shake the feeling that I'm just bad at healing. That line struck me because I feel it so often. Especially when I go over things in my mind - like the incident with the Movie Star - I just want to scream because why am I thinking about it when I don't care anymore? And that's the shit I can laugh at now. With things that feel fresher and more raw, I worry that I won't ever get over them, no matter how much therapy and shadow work I do. Why. Can't. I. Just. Get. Over. It. As I've said before, I'd really like to get to the not caring part because I hate to be the one who was hurt more. Trusting the process only gets you so far.

I'm getting older, I've got more on my shoulders

But I'm getting better at admitting when I'm wrong

I'm happier than ever, at least that's my endeavor

To keep myself together and prioritize my pleasure

'Cause to be honest, I just wish that what I promise

Would depend on what I'm given (not on his permission)

(Wasn't my decision) to be abused, mmm

I've taken on this whole "healing" endeavor because my children deserve a mom who is whole. I want them to have a better childhood than I had. The crazy thing is, I'm kind of grateful for the things I've been through. Would I want to go through them again or wish a similar experience on anyone? No, absolutely not. But I can see how it shaped the things I love best about myself. And as I get older, I'm able to view my mom with a more compassionate lens. It's not easy being a mother who feels like she's taking care of three girls by herself. Add a serious undiagnosed mental illness on top of that? Well, let's say things could've ended up much worse. It easily could've turned into an Andrea Yates situation. Or she could've abandoned us. Yet, as many times as she ran away, she always took us with her. I wish she had been happier when I was growing up. I wish she had more help. I wish she had asked for more help. Another pithy Instagram quote going around is "Just because my mother didn't break all generational curses didn't mean she broke none." I know that's confusing to read. I know she was doing her best with the hand she was dealt. Since I know better, I have to be better. Which includes becoming happier than ever, keeping myself together, and prioritizing my pleasure. Wise advice from a 19-year-old.

But next week, I hope I'm somewhere laughing

For anybody asking, I promise I'll be fine

I've had some trauma, did things I didn't wanna

Was too afraid to tell ya, but now, I think it's time

To wrap up this oddly emotional post, Billie ends the song talking about what she hopes for her future (as well as setting up the premise for the whole album). Throughout the album, "Happier Than Ever," Eilish recounts some of the trauma she endured. The songs are essentially mini-vignettes of her life. It's a fucking great album - I think it was rated as one of the best in 2021 - and the thing that makes great art is vulnerability. Ironically, the thing that helps most with "healing" is being able to tell your story. She alludes to this in the final lyric. I think we often hold back our feelings and avoid telling our story because we're afraid of hurting someone else or getting in trouble for what you reveal. But it's your story. We're allowed to express how we feel. We're allowed to tell the story how we experienced it, other people's feelings be damned. And, as an adult, we should be able to handle the fall out. I can write about the Movie Star because I love the dumb, dramatic girl who writes histrionic love letters to boys who flirt with everybody. It's part of who I am now, for better or worse. Even if recounting it makes me seem crazy. Well, it took a long time for me to fall in love with my crazy. And I know, eventually, I'll be able to write about the things that are hurting now. When it's time.

"Getting Older" Official Lyric Video

Out with the Old, In with the New ("Anti-Hero" by Taylor Swift)

 For the transition from 2022 to 2023, I've chosen the first single from the "Midnights" album. In my opinion, "Anti-Hero" - much like "Blank Space" from the "1989" album - demonstrates a level of self-awareness that is nearly unheard of in a celebrity of Swift's caliber (or even in normal people....let's face it, we're all stuck in the Matrix). I would expect nothing less of a Scorpio Rising. Taylor Swift is aware of how she is perceived - that any act of kindness she does is performative and she's really just a money-hungry bitch. It's easy to worry about that kind of reputation because she seems like the type of person who would be afraid that - on some level - it's true. I can relate - like Taylor, my Sun is in the 2nd House (House of Financial Assets and Values) and I derive a lot of my self-worth from my income and ability to provide for my family. Some people think this comes off as "money-oriented" and maybe even greedy. However, in my mind, Money is equal to Freedom. Money may not buy happiness, but having financial sovereignty does allow you the freedom to live a life that makes you happy. It also buys Time, which becomes more precious as I grow older. One of the benefits of the company I work at is that they give us half of the federal holidays at the end of the year. So instead of being off for Columbus Day (which is a shit holiday anyway), I've had this entire week between Christmas and New Year's Day to spend with my children. And the great thing is I don't even miss those shitty holidays because a 9/80 work week is standard here, so I usually have two Fridays off a month anyway. I don't need them and yet I still feel like I have a better grasp on work/life balance than during the first 10 years of my career, when I had less responsibilities. And it's one of the reasons why I don't intend to leave this company any time soon - that extra time (that I don't have to use my own PTO for) is worth it.

I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser

Midnights become my afternoons

When my depression works the graveyard shift

All of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room

I love the chorus (I think everyone does, because that's what's used in all the TikToks and IG reels). It's me. Hi. I'm the problem, it's me. It's meant to be kind of sarcastic but it's also an uncomfortable truth we have to face sometimes. If you keep dating the same type of dirtbag or end up in the same toxic situations, eventually you realize that you're making choices based off flawed subconscious beliefs. This is kind of the point of therapy - it forces you to look at your blind spots that result in the choices you make. It's why people don't like therapy. Because if you admit there's something you are doing that is causing your own pain, then you also have to take responsibility for making the change. You can only change once you're self-aware - when you can accurately see yourself in your entirety, not just the parts you want to see. I'm not saying you won't discover good things - a lot of what my therapist did was reflecting back and validating my good traits that I would disregard. You've got to take accountability for all of it, the good and the bad. "Anti-Hero" is primarily about taking accountability for the bad. And when you focus on that, yeah, you kind of start to think, "My God! Why do these people like me? What the fuck is wrong with them?!" Hold on, Batman, let's stare directly into the mirror a little longer. You'll see it, too. Eventually.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
At tea time, everybody agrees
I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

I guess the main point of this post is that I'm trying to go into 2023 a little more self-aware. That's the goal - to always be a better version of myself. Part of that is recognizing my shadow and integrating it more fully. Admit where I've made mistakes and where I'm still in the learning process, but also recognizing where I've grown. And I've grown a lot this year. As a mother, as a cybersecurity analyst, as a writer, and as a person. I guess this is the point where I go into the "Greatest Hits of 2022," of which, there are many. I started out this year moving to a state I love (Arizona) - it still takes my breath away when the glow of the sunset hits the Catalina Foothills. I reconnected with my best friend from high school, which was wonderful. I went to see My Chemical Romance after two long years of waiting - definitely a bucket list item, especially since we all thought they were disbanded for good. I started this year barely being able to do a Chopper (Invert) on pole and now I'm doing moves that are way more advanced than anything I was doing in 2021.

I read 30 books this year, which is way more than the goal of 12 I set for 2022. Here are a few of my favorites: 

NOTE:  I know 30 books seems like a lot but I know people who have read 100+ books this year. In some cases, reviewing books is their job and, in most cases, they don't have children. Trying not to judge myself by this standard because, honestly, I'm pleasantly surprised and grateful I had time to read anything this year.

1. "The Beautiful Ones" by Silvia Moreno-Garcia
2. "Where the Crawdads Sing" by Delia Owens
3. "The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue" by V.E. Schwab
4. "Kindred" by Octavia Butler
5. Basically anything by Ali Hazelwood

As Spotify will tell you, I listen to a lot of music. However, their Unwrapped playlist for me is frontloaded with the songs I have in my warm-up playlist (good beats and shorter songs), which is always going to get a lot of airplay. Here is a short list of the songs I was actually the most obsessed with this year:

• "Desire" by Meg Myers
• "Lower" by TENDER
• "Tear You Apart" by She Wants Revenge
• "Fire for You" by Cannons
• "Kiss Me More" by Doja Cat, feat. SZA
• "Girls Your Age" by Transviolet
• "Running Up That Hill (A Deal with God)" by Lo Spirit
• "Big Energy" by Latto
• "She" by Harry Styles

And, to start off the year, my current can't get enough of song right now is "Die for You" by The Weekend.

Overall, I'm starting off 2023 much happier than I was at the beginning of 2022, but there's a lot I'd still like to change. For one, reconnecting with my bestie from high school reminded me how much I miss having a close friend. Preferably one that doesn't roll their eyes when I start talking about ghosts and astrology. And, although she's not biologically a mother, she took care of her niece and nephew for the better part of the pandemic so she understands how difficult it is raising kids AND trying to heal from her own lackluster childhood, i.e., where I find myself today. It was nice talking to someone who could relate to my experiences, because I'm finding that a lot of my peers are either too young for kids (Gen Z types) or are childless by choice (which includes my sisters). In addition to that, I find myself missing someone who is no longer in my life anymore in any meaningful way. I'm having a hard time letting things just be how they are. I feel lonely way more than I wish I did, though it gets better when I go to pole class. At least people know me there and I have classmates/instructors that I regularly see and who notice when I'm gone. I'm hoping my network and my friendships will expand in the new year but until then, I'm learning how to be okay alone.

Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby

And I'm a monster on the hill

Too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite city

Pierced through the heart, but never killed

Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism

Like some kind of congressman? (Tale as old as time)

I wake up screaming from dreaming

One day I'll watch as you're leaving

And life will lose all its meaning

(For the last time)

After listening to several astrology podcasts and predictions for 2023, I've decided that the theme for 2023 is Aligning to the Vision. For me, this means focusing a lot more on writing, specifically on finishing projects and improving on them. A little less ranting about T-Swift, a little more poetry and prose. I'm also dead set on getting to Level 3 at my pole studio. For context, most people quit pole before they even graduate Level 1. Level 2 is when you start focusing more on strength moves and it's gets really hard if you're not naturally strong....and it's considerably more dangerous, because you start flipping upside down and doing more stuff aerially (i.e., higher up on the pole). Given how much progress I've made so far, I think reaching Level 3 before my next birthday is a real possibility. 

Let's roll up this post (and this year) with the "Anti-Hero" video. T-Swift is haunted by the worst version of herself, as well as her mistakes and insecurities. But she's actively trying to make peace with them. She gets to attend her funeral and watch her children fight over her fortune (perhaps implying that she fully intends to make little Swifties once she and Joe Alwyn get married). Just like all her other videos, it's iconic and visionary, in a way only Taylor Swift could create.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
It's me, hi, everybody agrees, everybody agrees

Happy New Year! Welcome to 2023.

"Anti-Hero" Video

"Neptune" by Sleeping At Last

Sleeping At Last has a song about each of the planets. I learned about this, because they brought up the song, "Saturn," on an episode of "The Astrology Podcast." They said it was a beautiful song - and it is - but I felt "Neptune" to be more fitting, since today is the final day of Jupiter's co-presence with Neptune in Pisces. Both rulers of the sign being co-present is a powerful influence, and the power of the Great Benefic (Jupiter) kind of ups the ante with what Neptune often brings us. Neptune's symbolism is that of fantasy, escape, mysticism, haziness, dreams, and confusion. It rules over imagination and substance abuse, the two great tools in an Escape Artist's box. When in Pisces - as with any planet in its home sign - these themes get a double whammy and it can be hard to extract ourselves from the mist of illusion and delusion. It's possible, but it's hard. There's power in fantasy, but it's important not to get trapped there. 

This idea reminds me of the bubble scene in "Labyrinth." Jareth has drugged Sarah with a poison peach and she finds herself immersed in her deepest fantasy. Dressed in a ballgown, trying to weave her way through the dancing bodies at the Masquerade, she comes face-to-face with The Goblin King. The Goblin King himself is a fantasy. I mean - come on - he's literally David Bowie. I can safely say he was my first real celebrity crush and my introduction to "the bulge," which I don't think I even registered as a child. There was a layer of perfect masculinity in the way he played the character - cruel but sensual, obsessive but distant, playful yet still cool. He may have played with Sarah but he gave her exactly what she wanted - an escape from what she felt was an unbearable life. And so she finds herself in his arms, falling in love with this flawless illusion he's created for her, and she's forgetting why she's there and where she's going. Like all great heroines, she saves herself by shattering the illusion - her dream - and breaking the hold he has over her. The lesson here is, sometimes, you have to shatter the illusion of your fantasy in order to bring to fruition a reality even greater than you could have ever imagined. After revisiting this scene, I feel it's a great metaphor for these last few hours with Jupiter in Pisces. Enjoy the fantasy while it lasts but when Jupiter returns to Aries, it's going to be time to put things into action.

Pitch black, pale blue

There was a stained-glass, variation of the truth

And I felt empty-handed

You let me set sail with cheap wood

So I patched up every leak that I could

'Til the blame grew too heavy

Meanwhile, Mars has turned retrograde in Gemini and is tearing up my 1st House. Scorpio season, in general, was rough for me. Health issue after health issue. For astrological context, Scorpio rules my 6th House, which rules over health, and Scorpio's ruler, Mars, being in the 1st House, which deals partly with the body and appearance of the native. It started with me tearing up my hands after making an executive decision to stay for Open Pole after class one Saturday; continued with a rough cold that had me sleeping through a whole day; and ended with massive pain in my right lower wisdom tooth which resulted in getting all my wisdom teeth taken out right before Thanksgiving. The message from the Universe has been quite clear - I need some rest, because I've been going at breakneck speed since last Scorpio Season. I have missed more pole classes this last month than I've missed since I've started at this studio. Ironically, the last month has also come with the most successes and breakthroughs in my pole practice. I can finally do a proper Inside Leg Hang, my Inversions are stronger than ever, I can do a Ballerina on both sides, and I've mastered the Star Gazer. Proof that rest can be productive, too. A PSA from the North Node transiting Taurus. 

Stitch by stitch, I tear apart

If brokenness is a form of art

I must be a poster child prodigy

Thread by thread, I come apart

If brokenness is a work of art

Surely this must be my masterpiece

I've been going through a hibernation year. Age 35 is a 12th House year. It usually ends up being a time for rest, solitude, and turning towards internal processes. I feel like I've been in a cocoon. Still active but everything is happening beneath the surface. Gestating ideas, refining next steps, making plans, a lot of learning about myself and the world around me. At this point, things are starting to bubble over, like inspiration is forcing it out of me. I wrote a poem the other day. Just out of the blue, the words came. And even today, I feel like it's still a good (enough) poem - it says what I was wanting to say, what I was feeling in that moment. I think trying to fix it and make it better might even ruin it, and that's when it's time to stop. I want to harness this energy, try to integrate it into my life so it's always there. A flame to be tended. I suppose that's fitting for this time of year - Sagittarius Season is about keeping the faith in darkness. Hence all the Festivals of Light that take place during this time of year. It's about having faith, even when the world around you is reflecting the opposite.

As we enter Capricorn Season this week, I'm formulating a plan for where I want to go in 2023. Because Jupiter in Aries is about action - it's time for the dreams you had during the Jupiter in Pisces era to become real. That's the hope, isn't it? That's why manifestation is so popular right now - we've all got big dreams but don't know how to make them real. The vibe during any Aries transit is "Just do it - Ready, Fire, Aim." So where are you aiming?

I'm only honest when it rains

If I time it right, the thunder breaks

When I open my mouth

I wanna tell you, but I don't know how

I'm only honest when it rains

An open book, with a torn out page

And my inks run out

I wanna love you but I don't know how

The lyrics of "Neptune", rather fittingly, describe where one often finds themselves on a spiritual journey. Spirituality is one of those things that Neptune rules, and it's influence over such things becomes especially powerful when its floating through Pisces. The singer is recognizing and accepting his flaws, acknowledging the hurt he's done to others and how others hurt has shaped him and his actions. The chorus echoes the line, "I want to love you but I don't know how." I think we've all been there. I'm not sure who he's speaking to - his lover, his parents, a stranger, his child - maybe he's speaking to all of them, in a way. The music itself is hopeful yet lonely, like he's reaching out but not expecting anything back (even though he desperately wants something....what that is, I couldn't tell you). It's a vibe I feel frequently, and it's likely only to get worse in 2023, when Saturn enters Pisces. Saturn won't just let us mope - no, we have to turn that pain and loneliness into art or some shit. I'm only half joking but 2023 is a year of massive astrological change, which (theoretically) could show up as major upheavals in society and in individual lives (depending on your natal chart). It should be fun...who doesn't like a little chaos with their coffee?

I wanna love you but I don't know how

I don't know how

I wanna love you but I don't know how

I wanna love you but I don't know how

I wanna love you

Finally, I highly recommend checking out Sleeping At Last's Astronomy playlist. These are songs he wrote inspired by various astronomical events that have happened over the last few years. They're beautiful - a few even made me cry. Specifically, June 30, 2018 and July 4, 2020 - the latter being written around the time of the Lunar Eclipse in Capricorn that was opposite my natal Sun. Having an eclipse on or near your birthday portends an impactful year in your life....and it was. I also learned the Earth's aphelion - or the farthest it is away from the Sun - always occurs on or around July 4. Which, astrologically speaking, gave me new insight into my life and purpose. Definitely a playlist for lovers of the stars.

"Neptune" Music Video

It's that time of year again....

It's T-Swift's birthday! She's 33 years old today and, of course, super busy. As a Scorpio Rising, this past year has been an eventful one with eclipses happening in her 1st House (Self) and 7th House (partnerships). As I predicted, she did get engaged to her long-time boyfriend, Joe Alwyn, shortly after the Spring eclipse season. She played a minor role in "Amsterdam," which was released in October 2022. And right before this past eclipse season, she released a brand new album, "Midnights," which includes collaborations with notable singer-songwriters like Jack Antonoff and Lana del Rey.  The album hit high on the charts fairly quickly and has received positive critical review, to include being called the "Pop Album of the Year." She also launched a new tour, which - due to the issues with ticket sales - finally got federal regulators to really look into Ticketmaster's monopolistic practices within the performance industry. Looking forward to her 33rd year around the Sun - a 10H (Career and Reputation) profection year - it doesn't look like she'll be slowing down. Not only will she be on tour but she will be writing and directing a new film from Searchlight. This news is unsurprising - she as directed or co-directed the majority of the music videos she has made in the last few years and even before that, she maintained a strong creative influence over the music videos that were released. Also, as mentioned, she may be a major player in the investigation against Ticketmaster. And we're still waiting for her to re-record some of her earlier albums (I personally am looking forward to "Speak Now (Taylor's Version)" and "1989 (Taylor's Version)"). Considering she has released a entirely brand new album every year for the past four years, we'll also get some new music as well. She's nothing if not prolific.

I had another song in mind for my yearly Taylor Swift appreciation post but....it was sad. And I didn't have time to write out exactly what I was imagining, which seems to be the theme of December. There's Not Enough Time (that's the theme). And I'm featuring another one of her songs for my New Year's wrap-up and I think one long ranty T-Swift post is enough for one year. Instead, please enjoy this incredibly shaky footage of Taylor singing "the greatest song of all time" (her words....and mine) with Johnny Rzeznik. I'm going to be honest, it's probably not one of her best performances but you could tell it was literally a dream come true for her and I can imagine her fangirling out afterwards.

"Iris" as performed by Taylor Swift and Johnny Rzeznik

"The World I Know" by Collective Soul

As you may be aware (and I hope you are), today is Election Day in the United States. Today may well prove to be the most important election in our lifetime. I have a sinking worry that it might be the last truly free and fair election for the United States, too. This is not just doom-saying, my concerns are based on observation. I try not to watch the news, because it's bad for my mental health (I say that as a recovering political junkie), but I do try to watch the highlights in order to keep informed. After watching snippets of the January 6th testimony that has occurred so far, I worry that people don't understand how close we came to losing democracy that day. How close we are to losing democracy pending the results of today's election. A quote from "Star Wars" comes to mind: "So this is how liberty dies...with thundering applause."

Living in a "battleground" state - Arizona - I get a front row seat to the civil conflict brewing here in America. If you haven't noticed, Arizona has been the star of this election cycle, and not just for its role in upholding democracy on January 6th after the ridiculous fraudit nonsense. Our ballot is filled with a cast of characters you can only find in Arizona. We have Kari Lake, a former news broadcaster who, with her crazy eyes, tells everyone that the 2020 election was rigged and spouts off conservative talking points, which MAGA Republicans eat up, despite her liberal past (very similar to Donald Trump). I honestly hope she's lying, because the prospective of her serving as Governor with those views is genuinely terrifying. Then we have Blake Masters, a finance bro hand-picked by one of the richest people in America, who uses his family to mask his incel-level creepiness. And then there's Mark Finchem, an anti-government extremist who has used his platform to spread anti-Semitic sentiment. He's arguably the most dangerous candidate because, if he wins Secretary of State, he will have control over the outcome of future Arizona elections. It's not that there wasn't good, honorable Republican candidates running this year - there was. But these are the candidates who won the primaries. And I think that says something about who we are.

Has our conscience shown?

Has the sweet breeze blown?

Has all the kindness gone?

Hope still lingers on

I drink myself of new found pity

Sitting alone in New York City

And I don't know why

I don't particularly like the term "battleground state", mostly because there are some people who are taking that phrase a little bit too seriously. If you've been watching the news, you may have heard about "poll watchers" in Maricopa county. Masked individuals sitting in the bed of their pickups with an AK-47 (or some other gun/guns), watching everyone who goes to drop off their mail-in ballots. And almost everyone in the state has a fucking mail-in ballot. These men are cowards. Seriously?! Are you going to shoot a little old lady in front of a polling center? It's voter intimidation...and it's only being done by one-side - the authoritarian side. Full disclosure: I wouldn't kill anyone for Mark Kelly. But I also don't think he would ask me to, which should be a credit to him. Unfortunately, I think we've conflated strength with violence for so long, I'm not sure people can tell the difference. And the saddest thing about this election is I'm kind of worried what will happen if the Republicans don't win. When people believe a free and fair election is a "Heads I Win - Tails You Lose" game, any outcome outside of that could unleash a wave of chaos.

There is a strong current of dehumanization in Republican ads this cycle and there's an instinct to fight fire with fire. I'm trying not to do that, not even in my head, because I know that my day-to-day concerns aren't too different from a Republican woman. I'm worried about how much it costs to buy groceries each week, because it seems to still be going up in spite of the Fed's "measures." I'm worried whether my child is safe at school, because every other week there's a news story about a pedophile teacher or a school shooting. I'm worried they're not getting a good education that prepares them for life. I'm concerned about the recent spate of women killing their babies or neglecting them to death, which makes me weary of forced motherhood (not all women should be mothers). And I have this sinking feeling that - for all this talk of self-care and resolving ancestral trauma - we're just perpetuating a cycle of suffering that the younger generations will have to untangle. If there are younger generations, of course, because the planet may well be unlivable in 50 years. There's enough fear and problems in the world, I'd actually just like to see one implementable solution. 

Are we listening

To hymns of offering?

Have we eyes to see

That love is gathering?

All the words that I've been reading

Have now started the act of bleeding

Into one, into one

I was listening to Jessica Dore's November offering last week and the following sentence stuck out to me: Your silence will not protect you. And, yes, she was talking about sharing her opinions and beliefs, both political and not. A lot of creators on social media try to stay in this neutral place, where they don't offend anyone and, thus, don't lose followers. In the past year, Dore's lost a lot of followers, in part because she has chosen to be more outspoken (with such an eventful year, how can you not be?). She is trying to frame it to focus not on who she is losing, but who she is aligning with. This is part of embracing authenticity and honoring your truth. Not everyone can (or will want to) accompany you on your journey.

So I walk up on high

And I step to the edge

To see my world below

And I laugh at myself

While the tears roll down

'Cause it's the world I know

Oh it's the world I know

Let's talk a little bit about today's astrology. There's a total lunar eclipse in Taurus, conjunct Uranus and opposite Mercury and Venus. In addition to that, there's a Mercury Cazimi occurring today and, it goes without saying, but both Mercury and the Sun will be going through their oppositions to Uranus. Finally, the eclipse is activating the Saturn-Uranus square that we were experiencing throughout 2021. Although it's loosening, it's still within a three degree orb. Luckily, it's the last time that aspect will be activated, as Saturn will be entering Pisces in 2023, so the dust will settle once the aspect clears. As you can see, very chaotic energy. Not really a great day for an election in any country, but especially the United States. We're still in our Pluto Return, we have a Mars Retrograde in Gemini (we have natal Mars in Gemini), and everything happening now is setting the stage for our Uranus Return (we have natal Uranus in Gemini) that will kick off in unofficially 2025. This astrology portends a lot of power struggles, especially against authorities, a lot of fighting and arguing with Mars in the mix, and revolutionary ideas. I've been hearing about this eclipse for months on various astrology podcasts - Beware, Beware, the 8th of November! Well, it's here. What matters most is how you handle the energy. Maintain your calm and stability, like a Taurus. I haven't been handling it that well but we're almost done with eclipse season. And it's not all bad - someone may have woken up nearly $2 billion richer. It might've been you. It might've even been me. 

I chose "The World I Know" because it seemed fitting for a day like today. It's hard watching what's happening to the country and it's easy to feel powerless. In fact, that's what the video features - a man going about his day in New York City (the video is in blue tones, so you know he's sad), being confronted with homelessness, poverty, and despair throughout his commute. At some point, he decides the best solution would be to jump from the top of a building. But I guess he has a realization when a bird lands on his arm and instead of committing suicide, he tosses his money on the people below. This is obviously when people carried around massive quantities of cash, even in New York. I know....super crazy times. That being said, most people don't usually kill themselves over the news, but it can be a trigger. I can easily understand how someone who is going through something on a personal level might read something that triggers an emotional response that leads to them ending their life. And I'd be lying if I said there wasn't some of that energy floating around today, too. Take care of yourself. And if you're able to, go vote.

"The World I Know" Video