Poetic Interlude ("In My Dreams" by Walter Meego)

I'm comfort watching "Ugly Betty" at the moment. It's been a long time since I watched the original run and it had been one of my favorite shows during the late 2000s. When I saw it on Netflix, I was stoked. With recent workplace drama, I identify more with Betty now than ever. I feel like being my authentic self makes certain people enjoy my presence more....while simultaneously pissing off others. Others who have more influence than I do. I can't help it. I know I come off as naive, wide-eyed, absurdly optimistic....maybe even a bit bimbo-esque in some cases. Sometimes, my snarkiness gets me in trouble. I often speak before I think, especially when what I have to say sounds really clever in my head. I hang out with the "wrong" people because, to me, they're the right people and they've had my back since I started. Always talking me up, even when I feel like a fraud. I know I don't fit, but I still want to be there. I still feel like it's a part of my story, like how Betty feels for Mode Magazine.

This song plays at the end of an episode in Season 2, when Betty's had one of the worst birthdays ever, except for when her friend, Gio, showed up to give her a surprise because he felt she deserved this fantasy birthday that she dreamed of. When she gets home, her boyfriend, Henry, is sleeping on the couch because he was waiting for her. I know it sounds sweet, but Henry is kind of the reason she had a terrible birthday. He let a certain situation get in the way instead of being there for her. This is the guy who claims he loves her and yet he keeps making all these wrong moves. Watching Season 2 is the most frustrating thing because of their relationship - first, it's the "will they, won't they" trope, then they try to keep the relationship a secret from multiple people (for stupid reasons), and finally, it ends with it just being an altogether shitty relationship because both of them are emotionally stunted. And for the record, I don't care how hot Henry is, I was Team Gio from the moment he stepped on screen. Spoiler alert: She chooses herself over both of them. I know there's a lesson in that, but quite honestly, I don't want to hear it.

The song is....well....dreamy. And it sounds like something that's playing in the back of my mind while I'm thinking of....something else. A fantasy. A hope. A wish. Something that is not my current reality and seems unreal and far away and - in all fairness - highly improbable.

********************

Anyway, I made a New Year's resolution to write two haikus a week this year and I have a bunch I've written. I actually think some of them are good so I wanted to share a few, so you can join in this rollercoaster of a year I'm having. 

Common sources of inspiration include romance and literature...

I dream of your lips

Saying the sweetest nothings, 

Brushing against mine.

Tale as old as time,

Roses, the Beast, and his curse

Remind me of you.

                - Beauty to her Beast

...Office drama that bleeds into world events...

Politics at play,

Gossip tells the raw story

You cannot refute.

               -Bitch Session

The men on Forbes’ list

Choose profit over people.

Unsustainable.

...And, of course, pole class:

Lifting my own weight,

Such exquisite exhaustion

Settles in my bones.

                -A Good Workout

*********************

Last year, I blocked someone who I was mad at. For good reason, mind you, but still...it was childish. We were really close, it was devastating, and it even surprised me when I pressed that button (as well as the emotional outburst that preceded it). It's been several months since I've heard from them but I dream of them from time to time. Recently, I could feel myself starting to get over the anger I had towards them. I thought, "What the hell? Let's unblock them. They probably don't even think about me anymore. They probably won't even notice." I thought it was safe - my IG is private and I don't follow them anymore, so it's not like I'd see their updates. A word of advice - if you blocked someone, just keep them blocked. 

I ended up hurting my own feelings. After unblocking them on Insta, I saw that they went to the same part of CA where I was born - including my literal birthplace - for their birthday. Did they realize that? It's possible. They know a lot about me, because I trusted them. Given how large CA is, it's hard for me to believe it's a coincidence. Was it simply one more thing they did just to get under my skin because they thought I was watching? I don't know, I don't care. Pretty fucked up, if it was, but not shocking. I blocked them initially so I wouldn't see this shit so I blocked them again. I'm just gonna stay mad. I'm clearly not over what happened between us, I'm wise enough to admit it. Might not ever be. As expected, they got angry and blocked me back. Which means they noticed I unblocked them in the first place, which wasn't for very long. Good. That's what I needed. My main reason for unblocking them was so they would have the opportunity to block me. Fair is fair. I was about to ruin my own peace again and they've saved me from that. Thank you, next.

************************

"In My Dreams" Music Video

The Apotheosis of Jessica ("I Am Not A Woman, I'm A God" by Halsey)

If you can believe it (and I'm sure you can), I began writing this post around my birthday. I know. I'm terrible. One of my New Year's resolutions was to write at least 50 blog posts this year and I'm already on a bad trajectory. I know it's possible - there are years where I've put in well over a hundred posts on this blog. Recent years, too! I've just not felt up to it for various reasons. Perfectionism being one, fear of being seen being another, and lack of motivation trumping both of those other two most of the time. I've decided this is the year of Authenticity - telling it like it is, becoming okay with imperfection, and expressing myself in spite of who it might upset. In astrological terms, this is kind of a big year for me, too. It's a first house profection year, which usually means that everything is subject to change, even if it's just tiny things. And this first 6 months - as you may have noticed from my December posts - have started out with some massive changes within my family, career, and home life. To be honest, I'm a little exhausted.

Every day I've got a smile where my frown goes

A couple bodies in the garden where the grass grows

I take 'em with me to the grave in a suitcase

Maybe I could be a different human in a new place

This year, I chose "I am Not a Woman, I'm a God" as the energy I wanted to embody going into my fourth tour through the zodiac (for those who are following, I turned 36 and my natal chart starts in Gemini). I intended to be un-fuck-withable. In the honor of full disclosure, mistakes were made in those first couple months. There was a brief return to unsatisfying situations and behaviors, there was a bit of delulu wishful thinking on my part. It took me an embarrassing amount of time to course correct. I may have gone into a depressive rabbit hole for a minute before returning to my baseline of being pretty much unstoppable when I want to be. It is what it is. At the start of 2024, I am under no illusion that this upcoming year is going to be easy....but it could be good for me. I'm starting off strong - I've shown that I really did deserve a promotion and I'm looking forward to a decent compensation adjustment. We're fully moved into our new house. And I've upped my pole training to 3X a week and added some mobility/flexibility training on top of it, so I can reach my pole goals. I have a lot to work toward and a lot to look forward to in 2024, and the brief detours in 2023 served as reminders of who I want to be and what I must let go of to get there.

Just a brief look at what's coming up in my solar return chart - Jupiter, planet of luck and optimism, will be entering Gemini in 2024. Super good for me and my fellow Gemini risings. Pluto is entering Aquarius, which rules my 9H - this year begins my Pluto square (natal Pluto in Scorpio). Over the next 20 years, I'm hoping that I'll get a boost to achieve my writing dreams (9H rules over publishing, among other things, and my Midheaven also lives there as well). During this year, the nodes are on the Aries-Libra axis, with the North Node being in Aries and the South Node being in Libra. This is my natal node placement and my nodes are placed in the more joyful house - the 11H and 5H, so definitely some changes in my community, friendships, creative pursuits, and romantic ventures. Mercury is retrograding in fire signs, so I imagine how I express myself with others is going to get a little spicy as well - fire signs fall in my 3H, 7H, and 11H, all of which have influence over some level of interpersonal relationships. As I said, this should be an interesting year - not just for me but for all of us - in a decade of interesting years.

Oh

I just wanna feel something, tell me where to go

'Cause everybody knows something I don't wanna know

So I'll stay right here 'cause I'm better all alone

Yeah, I'm better all alone

Let's talk about Halsey and "I am not a woman, I'm a God." This song comes from her most recent album, aptly named "If I Can't Have Love, I Want Power." It's a fair trade off, especially when the choice is mostly out of your hands. It's one many women make. If I can't have love, I want power. Or wealth. Or fame. Or beauty. Or even more simply... security. What I find myself asking this year is.....why can't I have it all? I'm finding myself (and I see this in the collective culture, too) wanting to transition from an EITHER/OR mindset to a BOTH/AND framework. You can love the work you do AND want to take a vacation once in a while. You can want to be seen and put your art out there or be a public figure AND deserve a certain level of privacy in your personal life. You can have BOTH an outstanding career AND a fulfilling home life. I think for many people - myself included - we felt forced to make a choice between things that didn't actually have to be a choice....we just assumed it was because that's what we were conditioned to believe.

I'm reminded of the story of Persephone, whose name I adopted as my pole persona. In the story, she is kidnapped and taken down to the Underworld to be Hades Queen and Consort. Demeter petitioned Zeus and he decreed Persephone could return as long as she hadn't eaten the food of the Dead. But she did....she ate six pomegranate seeds and, thus, Zeus negotiated that she would spend 6 months of the year in the Underworld and 6 months with her mother in the Upper Realms. There are many tellings of this story - that she was forced to eat or she was so hungry that she needed to eat something and she thought the seeds were harmless. But I believe she made an intentional choice to eat those six arils. Persephone was a goddess in her own right before she was taken - she knew the rules and she ate the pomegranate anyway. As Demeter's daughter and the Goddess of Spring, she only knew one life - a life of safety and abundance, but ultimately, one under her mother's control. In the Underworld, she got a taste of power and freedom. She was seen as her own person and was worshipped like a Queen by both her husband and all the Beloved Dead in his kingdom. Persephone wanted both - and she figured out a way to make it work.

Every morning, got a hollow where my heart goes

I never listen, but I see you with my eyes closed

I know you, I remember from the grass stain

Maybe I could be a better human with a new name

In the lyrics of "I am not a woman, I'm a god," Halsey ponders the straddle women have to make in life. It's you're typical Madonna/Whore situation - either you are sexy and powerful, and therefore, not "good" in terms of current societal standards; or you do conform to this perfect housewife image and thus, cannot have a fullness of life outside the family unit. I think I've always felt the pressure of this dichotomy growing up, but it has become more apparent since I've become a mother. As a young woman, I was always very comfortable with the more sexual side of the equation (this blog is named "Music Slut," for chrissakes) but once you choose to make that transition to motherhood, I've seen that it does become less acceptable. I've only recently started telling others about my pole journey and a lot of the responses from other women have been, "Oh, you must do that for your husband." And I really don't....I do it because I love the challenge, I love the art form, I love being able to work towards doing some really athletically impressive feats. But even when I try to explain that, they never believe me. And with this kind of attitude, it's easy to fall into ambivalence. Tell me where to go, tell me how to be, I'll make it easy for you because being myself is too hard to understand. 

I am not a woman, I'm a God

I am not a martyr, I'm a problem

I am not a legend, I'm a fraud

So keep your heart, 'cause I already got one

I am not a woman, I'm a God

I am not a martyr, I'm a problem

I am not a legend, I'm a fraud

Keep your heart, 'cause I already

That's what makes this song perfect for my year of Authenticity. I can't please everyone but I can be proud and happy of who I am. It's none of my business what other people think of me. But it is my business to become the person I've always wanted to be. And if someone doesn't like who I am, that's really more of a "them problem." 

"I Am Not A Woman, I'm A God" Video

 

The Only Way Out is Through ("Desert Song" by My Chemical Romance)

 We'll do a full unveiling of the results of my Spotify Wrapped experiment (results: inconclusive because they changed their fucking algorithm). The next few artists and/or songs I'll be writing about were featured prominently in my Most Played lists. Among the top artists - and standing out like a sore thumb - was My Chemical Romance. Well, of course, they were there. I still have a wide-eyed dream to follow them around on tour someday. And this song - "Desert Song" - has become a particular favorite of mine this past year. This has been a helluva fucking year. There are some good things - bought a house, got a promotion, spent lots of time with family. But interlaced, there's been a lot of not-so-great things - my mom was diagnosed and treated for cancer, my paternal grandfather died, and the promotion wasn't so much of a promotion as it was a punishment for being good at my job. I've been moving at breakneck speed since this year started and this holiday season has felt like a high-speed train derailment. 

We hold in our hearts

The sword and the faith

Swelled up from the rain clouds

Move like a wraith

This song is about looking back at everything you've been through and still forging ahead with hope. When they started, the members of My Chemical Romance were going through it. Death, mental illness, addiction - it comes across in their music, but it was a dark road. And I know some people reading this may understand the feeling - wondering how you're still alive after everything, amazed you made it through life so far with the way you were living it. It's about how you carry on, even when it's hard to do.

The vocals on this track aren't pretty, but they fit the song well. Apparently, Gerard Way got wasted before recording it and tried to sing drunk. I think that's pretty obvious during certain parts, where the words get slurred together. In spite of its flaws, though, the emotion comes through and is what makes this song hit so hard. It's sad but there's parts that sound hopeful and wistful. The most hopeful lyric, to me, is "I can see you anytime in my head." It hints at just the right amount of delusion needed to get through a tough day. There's rumors that Way wrote it when he was suicidal and I can hear that. Sometimes, I lay on the floor of my bedroom, imagining the blood running out, this song playing in my head. The real thing isn't an option because 1) it scares me (as it should) and 2) I could never do that to my children. But still, when I'm pretending, the biggest emotion I feel is relief. That's when I realize I'm just really tired (you can hear that in the song, too), pick myself off the floor and go wash my face.

Well after all, we'll lie another day

And through it all, we'll find some other way

To carry on through cartilage and fluid

And did you come to stare or wash away the blood?

I saw a pithy Instagram quote recently that I've found comforting in these troubled times: "If you're going through Hell, keep going." Attributed to Winston Churchill, most likely trying to pacify the British public as they were being relentlessly bombed by the Nazis. It reminds me of something I wrote once - thoughts from a long-forgotten character who was trying to run from her Fate (or at least, her Fate as I had written it). She's trying to run away from some G-men types who were trying to take her away but she's stuck in her house. I'll summarize, because I don't remember exactly what I wrote, but....do me a favor, and fill in the details with the best writing you can imagine a 20-year-old putting down on paper.

Summary:  A girl encounters suited goons on the threshold of her door. Her parents stand outside, useless, complicit. The only way out is in. She runs inside her house but there's nowhere to go. They follow her. She sees the staircase. The only way out is up. She runs up the staircase, but again, there's nowhere to go. She runs to her room and looks around frantically. Her eyes fall on the window. The only way out is death. She makes to jump out the window but the men get to her before she can. As they are frog-marching her out of her house, to a nondescript black SUV, her mind calms. The only way out is through.

What kind of story was I writing? It was a dystopian novel, about a girl (yes, a girl - she's a teenager when the story starts) who is taken to serve the whims of an authoritarian government. You know - typical early 2000s concerns. I want to say she overcomes and overthrows said tyrannical government, but I know teenaged girls who rebel in such environments usually end up dead. It's funny - all my characters now are considerably more grown, mid-to-late 20s. Maybe even early 30s. Not old, but not so naïve anymore. So how do they end up in the story? Why are they the main character and not someone smarter, younger, more full of life? They aren't the Chosen One, just the one that chose to be there, for better or worse. Moral of the story - choose to be the one that shows up, no matter how crazy the journey becomes. 

Well tonight, will it ever come?

Spend the rest of your days rockin' out just for the dead

Well tonight, will it ever come?

I can see you awake anytime in my head

All fall down, well after all

Every once in a while lately, I'll feel this aching deep in my chest. And I know what it is. It's loneliness. Being the romantic I am, I like to imagine, as I look out my window over the desert, beyond the mountains, past the pecan trees shedding their leaves, there's someone out there listening to this song, feeling the same wretched ache. There's a yearning to be known embodied in this song. To be seen, to be heard. To not be forgotten. All the trials the band went through together, all the hardship and rejection one must face as an artist - whether it be music or writing or any other type of artistic expression - is summed up in one lyric. Will it ever come? This could be talking about death, but I think most people think of it in the context of the things they want most in their lives. Success, companionship, wealth. And in the depths of their despair, the doubt comes rolling in like a thunderstorm. Is it all worth it? It may not be, but in order to make it worth it, you have to go through these doldrums to come through the other side.

Sorry for the melancholic, discombobulated post right before Christmas. I've been going through a lot of feelings, mostly because I've been stressed out at work and at home. It doesn't really feel like Christmas to me this year - very similar to how I felt in 2020. It's just been one of those years that I'm a little shocked to see I've made it through. That we've made it through. (Congratulations, by the way.) I've heard similar sentiments from other people, from work and in my pole classes....2023 can fuck all the way off. Am I optimistic about 2024? Eh, not really, but there's reasons behind that which I'll go into at another time. Regardless, I hope you have a Merry Christmas!

Footnote:  I highly recommend the latest episode of The Astrology Podcast. It's about Saturn in each of the signs and the music that comes out during each Saturn transit. Not surprisingly, a lot of emo music (including this song and the album it should've been on..."Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge") came out during Saturn in Cancer. Saturn in Cancer also had a lot of music inspired by mother figures, and it's interesting to note that the song that put MCR into the mainstream was "Helena," which was about Gerard and Mikey Way's grandmother. There is so much astrological and music goodness in this episode, so definitely check it out!

"Desert Song" Video

"Soon You’ll Get Better" by Taylor Swift feat. The Chicks

It's that time of year again. I feel like this has become one of my personal holiday traditions, curated just for this blog. It's been a crazy year and I'll sum it up in a post eventually....but this is not that post. Nope. It's only my annual rant celebrating the 2023 Person of the Year. 

In the past, I've posted about my favorite T-Swift songs - of which there are myriad - most of which are sickly sweet love songs. But one of my favorite things about Swift's discography is that it is so diverse. She literally has a song for every type of heartbreak and another for every other emotion a person can feel. This year, I wanted to showcase a song that - to be honest - didn't make an impact on me until this year. Simply because I hadn't gone through the situation. I didn't understand....but now I do. I'm going to warn you - it's not a particularly happy song but it features some of the most vulnerable lyrics that Swift has released (in my opinion). This song is about Taylor's experience when her mom was diagnosed with cancer a second time around 2019. "Soon You'll Get Better" was released later that year on the "Lover" album. 

Holy orange bottles, each night I pray to you

Desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too

And I say to you

As you may have guessed, my mom was diagnosed with cancer this year. Thankfully, the radiation and chemotherapy appear to have worked and, as of right now, the doctors consider her "cancer-free," assuming nothing pops up on the scans over the next few months. However, there were moments this summer I found myself bawling my eyes out in the front seat of my car while listening to this song. Here's the thing - my mom isn't like Allison Swift. She's not a sweet midwestern mama who bakes cookies and calls to chat on the phone. My mom was born and raised in NYC (still has a ghost of a Queens accent) and complained the whole time (totally valid). I'm not sure she prayed, although I did (not to Jesus...but maybe a little to his mother, Mary). I spent a lot of time hanging out with her when I was done at the studio (we rented her a house near the treatment center, which was just down the street). Listening to what the doctor's were telling her and how inefficient the medical system is. Her biggest concerns before going into chemo/radiation was that she couldn't get manicures or go swimming while she was in treatment. She's kind of ridiculous for that. I talked her through losing her hair. Convinced her that it's okay to cut it short and buy a few nice wigs for right now. I know I've written about our complicated history but things are so much better now that her bipolar disorder is under control. And my kids love her so much and I'm happy we're creating good memories with her. Hopefully that lasts a while but I know my parents are getting older. This whole experience has thrown that into stark relief, so I'm trying to make more time for them. That was one of our big reasons for moving back to Arizona, after all.

I know delusion when I see it in the mirror

You like the nicer nurses, you make the best of a bad deal

I just pretend it isn't real

I'm not going to add much more about Taylor Swift. Y'all know she's amazing (or you should) and there's entire articles out there for you to read on that. I will say, though, that this is exactly why music exists. To express our experience and share it with others. They say music is a universal language and you can see that's true when people across the world vibe with someone's music, even if they don't fully understand the words. Take away the lyrics for "Soon You'll Get Better," you can still tell from the accompaniment that the artist is going through a difficult time. And as for the lyrics, I'm not the only one who ugly cries when they hear this song. It's comforting, to know you're not alone in going through a situation. Music brings people together.

"Soon You'll Get Better" Official Audio

Fall is for Lovers ("Fair" by The Amazing Devil)

For a brief period this past Spring, I became obsessed with this song. It never fails to make me feel a certain way and isn't the point of all art to make you feel something? As such, on quiet nights when sleep eludes me, I find myself listening to it while I drift off. I'm sure when my Spotify Unwrapped for 2023 comes out, it will be there glinting embarrassingly close to the top of my most played songs for the year. Oh well, who cares? It has a calming effect on me. And it makes me feel somewhat hopeful, even as I find myself growing more cynical of fairytales and love stories as time passes. This song romanticizes the mundane aspects of real true love - not the love you see in the movies, but the love that echoes in quiet moments over coffee between two people who seem like they've known each other for ages. Even if the time they've shared is much shorter than that. 

It's what my heart just yearns to say

In ways that can't be said

It's what my rotting bones will sing

When the rest of me is dead

It's what's engraved upon my heart

In letters deeply worn

Today, I somehow understand the reason I was born

Today, Venus is moving into its home sign of Libra and this song, in my humble opinion, is very Venus in Libra. The lyrics are poetic and subtly dramatic in their wording, yet it's sung in such a soft, pretty way, that the intensity is rubbed smooth. The first verse, which I've featured above, almost has a Scorpio quality to it - talking about rotting bones and being carved into hearts - but instead of coming off with crazy, stalker-ish vibes, the singer is painted as devoted and endearing. A little less Joe Goldberg, a little more Gomez Addams, please. Libra, as a sign, is deeply connected with partnership. And while it's one of two signs the Goddess of Love calls home, it's the one more closely connected with romantic love whereas Taurus is more closely associated with self-love. Taurus placements are thought of as more independent, whereas Libra placements hint more at interdependence (or even codependence, in a harsher interpretation). 

She promises to fight them all when it all becomes too much

And he, he curses at the world

For leaving him behind, and he's falling out of touch

And she is stronger than he's ever been, he knows

She brushes her hand through his hair

He's got so much fucking hair

And he holds her close, just to keep the world at bay

And when they're sure no one can hear them

She'll turn to him to say, she'll turn to him and say

Libra also rules over the aesthetic, intellectual qualities of Love. As a Venus-ruled Earth sign, Taurus is grounded in the physical aspects - luxurious settings, decadent meals, and, of course, sex and sensuality. By contrast, Libra, as an Air sign, is often in the realm of the mind. As such, it embodies Love as an idea and it is commonly associated with the arts and the artistic aspects of romance and beauty. Love songs, poetry, dancing (especially ballet), opera, plays, paintings and novels depicting great romances, and romantic films all fall in the domain of Libra. Libra is also considered the sign of balance and harmony. It's fitting that this song's title is "Fair" - it's a word with dual meaning. It could mean that something is just and impartial, or it can mean someone/something is beautiful. Both meanings fall squarely in Libra's wheelhouse. And in this song, the lyrics declare that it's "not fair" to love someone so much. The question is: fair to who? It's not clear, as it seems both sides love each other very much. Maybe it's not fair to the rest of the world? Or maybe it's just something sweet they say to each other when they're overcome with emotion. The lyrics read much like a private conversation of moments in a loving relationship.

"I've seen enough, " he says, "I know exactly what I want

And it's this life that we've created

Inundated with the fated thought of you

And if you asked me to, if you asked me, I would lose it all

Like petals in a storm

Let's talk about those lyrics, shall we? Beyond that they're sung beautifully (we'll get to that in a minute), they beautify some of the mundane moments in a relationship and give them a sort of mythic quality, as happens with memories. We start at what I imagine is the beginning of their relationship, when they're in the talking stage. And the guy is trying to make her laugh, because he enjoys making her happy. And that's one of the clearest signs a man has feelings for you - when he just wants to make you laugh when you're feeling down. My husband has said as much - it's important for him that I laugh at his jokes, even the lame ones. I don't always but if he can at least make me smile, he's broken through my icy façade and he's won. Then the song transitions into something more serious - he's watching her get dressed, supposedly after they've made love. It's not clear if it's the first time or the hundredth time. In fact, it's not clear if they've been together for a few weeks, a few months, a few years, or a few decades. Maybe it's all of them at different points in the song.

It's also important to note that this song switches points of view throughout. Yes, it is a man singing and that's the POV for most of the song, but her thoughts and voice will peek through occasionally so we can see how she feels. We know he makes her ache (the bastard!) but we don't know if this is from laughing too much or because he makes her cry. (Probably both.) We can imagine her lamenting that he has so much fucking hair while she's trying to run her hands through it. And we know that she's the more grounded one, because she stays calm when he thinks the world is falling apart. She doesn't get tossed up in the storm. And she simply smiles at his overdramatic verses. Finally, we know she thinks he's "the cool guy" and it baffles her that she's with him. That last line in the second chorus - "'Cause if I'm standing here, maybe everyone will think I'm cool" - always gets me. I've always felt deeply weird and out of place. Decidedly uncool. And I remember all of my crushes on people starting the same way - gosh, I want him to think I'm cool. In fact, I remember distinctly packing to spend a week with my husband and choosing my clothes with the intent to "look cool." Did it work? Perhaps. I just feel silly now for putting so much effort into it. But I was young(er), and when you're young, things like that matter more than they should.

"It's not fair, it's not fair how much I love you"

It's not fair, 'cause you make me weep

When I'm just tryna watch The Office with my yoghurt"

And she'll say

"Oh, how, oh, how unreasonable

How unreasonably in love I am with everything you do

I'll spend my days so close to you

'Cause if I'm standing here, maybe everyone will think I'm cool"

The Amazing Devil is an alt-folk band created by Joey Batey and Madeleine Hyland. And if that voice sounds familiar, you must be a fan of Netflix's "The Witcher." Joey Batey plays Jaskier, Geralt's bard companion who popularizes his exploits in song. And Batey definitely has the voice (and the face) of a bard. Indeed, I will agree that Henry Cavill grimes up good, but I couldn't help but fall in love with Batey's portrayal of the fun-loving, lascivious troubadour. And while "Toss a Coin to Your Witcher" was hella catchy, I think a lot of it's success was Batey's strong, clear tenor that didn't feel at all out of place in the fantasy landscape of the Continent. "Fair" is off The Amazing Devil's second album, "The Horror and the Wild." Most of the tracks on this album evoke the whimsical witchiness of the title - a key quality that drew me to their music - which is why a soft ballad like "Fair" stands out. Madeleine does not sing on the track (even though I love her voice too...quite theatrical), though I think it could be turned into a duet easily. I wouldn't be surprised if they turned it into one during live shows. 

"How unfair, how unfair, " they'll sing

As they dance across the darling rooftop wreck

He'll trip, and she'll pretend not to have seen

Burying her head into his chest

And clinging to the moment, "Where have you been?"

She'll whisper, "I've waited, oh, so long for you to come"

And as the stars above them hum and hear them

He'll turn to her and say, "That's what she said"

To quote a YouTube comment I found on one of The Amazing Devil's videos when I was researching for this post: "The Civil Wars left a gap in my life that this band is filling." And though I don't feel the same intense chemistry that existed between J.P. White and Joy Williams (which was rare and exceptional...and undoubtedly fueled the rumors that led to their breakup), I don't think it's needed. Sometimes, you just get two voices that blend well together and songwriters who have a similar aesthetic and musical inclinations. There's still magic in that.

"Fair"

Accept the Loss ("Let It Go" by Lo Spirit and Chandler Leighton)

One of the actionable habits to reach my writing goals in 2023 is to read more books about the writing process and put the knowledge to use in my own writing. Thus far this year, I've read "Bird by Bird" by Anne Lamott and recently, I finished reading "Writing Down the Bones" by Natalie Goldberg (and I read this because it was recommended in "Bird by Bird"....you gotta follow the breadcrumbs). I loved "Writing Down the Bones" because - in addition to her advice being both practical and easily digestible - she describes the process of writing as a lifestyle. Because that's what it is. It's not a habit, it's a way of looking at life. And that's how I've always seen it. I write because I have some sick obsession around releasing my thoughts and my story into the void. Although I'm grateful for you (i.e., whoever is reading this) and I hope you get something out of it, I honestly don't care if anyone reads it. The mere fact that it's out there is enough. Every published post brings with it a relief I've rarely found in any other part of my life. But there's also a pain and a struggle to it that isn't easy to convey.

Goldberg draws a lot of her guidance for writing from other writers. Sounds legit - I do the same thing. I follow a number of other writers on Instagram, from aspiring novelists like myself to more established authors (reference my rant about V.E. Schwab earlier this year). In "Writing Down the Bones," one of the chapters defers to Jack Kerouac's advice for better writing and she identifies four that have shaped her writing journey:

• Accept loss forever.
• Be submissive to everything, open, listening.
• No fear or shame in the dignity of your experience, language, and knowledge.
• Be in love with your life.

Guess which one I've struggled the most with, especially in recent months.

No peace of mind

It's all I've ever known

My hands are tied

I pretend I'm fine

But my thoughts aren't my own

So I just lie

'Cause I hate not bein' in control

Accepting loss feels too much to me like giving up. And I really don't like giving up, not when I've put so much hope and time and devotion into something. Not when it means leaving something that was supposed to be wonderful unfinished, because leaving it unfinished means it wasn't as wonderful as I thought it was. Not when accepting the loss means that I sunk so much effort into a situation that maybe wasn't worth it. I have to remember this is a normal human experience. So normal, in fact, that it has a name - the "Sunk Cost Fallacy." After investing so much time and effort into something - a relationship, a home, a job - we are reluctant to abandon it, even if doing so would be more beneficial. Even if walking away from the thing will eventually make you happier than you would be if you stayed. So we stay and we throw more time and energy away, hoping it will get better, even though we have a sinking feeling it won't, despite our best efforts.

Natalie Goldberg explains it is important to accept the loss because only then can you process it and use it for inspiration. When something is on-going, we're hesitant to write about it. We're too worried about what other people will think. Or maybe the situation will get better and we'll regret what we wrote because it casts others in a negative light, even if we were writing from a place of honesty and authenticity. Or, most often, we're holding onto a fantasy that provides comfort, even if it's not the most helpful thing for us. If we write it down, all the delusion fades and what you're left with is broken shards of reality for us to examine. That guy wasn't Prince Charming, he was a narcissist who played on your earnest belief in true love and soulmates. That workplace wasn't your second home, it was where your hard work was exploited and devalued. Your childhood wasn't all rainbows and butterflies, you just spent a lot of time in your imagination because you were severely neglected. Those sentences hurt, don't they? Good. Now that you've pulled the knife out, you can heal.

All I do is, all I do is, run away from, run away

All the things that I can't change, like

Growing older, growing older, being scared of, being scared of

Losing friends and staying the same

Waitin' to feel like I'm someone again (Hm)

(I'm just waitin' to feel something)

'Cause I'm tired of bein' the way that I am (Oh)

I learned recently that it's pretty normal to forget about childhood and, inversely, when people do remember things about their childhood, it's usually the traumatic stuff. Even people with an abnormally good memory (and I would count myself among those people) tend to forget as they grow older. Things are supposed to get fuzzy and less clear. Taking that into consideration, I remember nearly all of my childhood. Sometimes so vividly that I have to remind myself it was a long time ago. There are good memories but I realize now huge swathes of that time were not normal things for children to experience. This is one loss I've accepted - I will never get my childhood back. However, what I'm finding is that - after I accepted this - I've really started to understand how my childhood shaped me. I have this intense fear of rejection, which results in either extreme attention-seeking or withdrawal. I simultaneously want others to know me yet hide who I am out of self-preservation. I seem like an open-book but I'm actually really secretive - I'm really careful about who I provide details of my life to. Even so, I'm not above admitting I've made a few bad judgement calls. And now there are people out there walking around knowing exactly how to manipulate me to get what they want. I'm trying to get over it, but accepting that loss - that I've misplaced my trust and must reap the consequences - is a hard pill to swallow.

And I can't seem to let it go

All of this noise gets stuck in my head (Stuck in my head)

And I can't seem to let it go

Tune it all out so I can forget

But I can't seem to let it go

I've thought about writing a fictionalized (or maybe even a partially honest) version of events down, in these situations, like Anne Lamott suggests in "Bird by Bird." It's my story, why shouldn't I? Anne Lamott would say fuck the other people involved, tell the truth - but fictionalize parts so you can avoid lawsuits. (This is a paraphrase but that's the gist of her advice towards the end of the book.) You're not writing it down for them, you're writing it down for you. But that seems decidedly one-sided to me. It's not the whole truth, only one part - should I really write down my naive, delulu (gen Z for "delusional") perspective on the roaring (and at times, boring) dumpster fire that is my life? There's a version of the story where Romeo & Juliet are star-cross'd lovers doomed by fate and a version where they're stupid, selfish teenagers. Both versions are true, in some sense. The truth is always somewhere in the middle and more nuanced than we realize. 

Maybe the solution is to write down both. And let the reader decide.

It's messed up

But I'm scared of what's in my head

And it's fucked up

That I'm scared of what's in my head, what's in my head (Oh)

I found Lo Spirit on Instagram when "Running up that Hill" by Kate Bush was having its resurgence of popularity and everyone was doing a cover of it. Lo Spirit did a cover that sounded (and this is how he advertised it) as if it was sung by My Chemical Romance. It's a great cover - highly recommend - and since I liked his style, I went through the rest of his discography on Spotify. He's a new artist so there's not much, but he's been gradually adding more as he releases stuff (which is often featured in his IG reels, as is true with all up-and-coming artists). I found "Let It Go" at that time and fell in love with it. But over this summer, I fell into a minor depression episode - a lot was going on, not least of which was the death of my beloved paternal grandfather - and I found myself playing this song on repeat. I'm feeling better after a couple months of good cries, self-care, and finally taking some actions I should've taken years ago. But when I was in it, the thing that frustrated me most was why I couldn't just get over certain things. Why I couldn't just move on from the situation? Why was I still hoping things - people - would change? It wasn't just sadness I was overtaken by, but a deep well of anger, carrying out shadow arguments in my head with people who weren't there and didn't care. And when I wasn't angry or crying, I was hollow. That was the worst part. I don't want to be just going through the motions. I want a life of purpose. Anyway, "Let It Go" gave voice to a lot of what I was feeling and became one of my favorite songs to pole dance to. It has a dramatic rhythm to it - it ebbs and flows with the verses, and then the bridge comes crashing down at the end (which is a good backdrop for some of the more impressive pole tricks I know). Hopefully you enjoy it as much as I did! Video below.

"Let It Go" Video

"What Was I Made For?" by Billie Eilish

Hi Barbie! As you probably know, yesterday was Barbie Day - the day when the much anticipated "Barbie Movie" was officially released. I am, without a doubt, a Barbie fangirl. I love Barbie - always have, always will. Not surprisingly, we're finding that many women in my generation (the Millennial generation) feel that way. We grew up in the 90s, when Barbie's popularity was really at her peak. It was before the Monster High Dolls and Bratz and the various other bobble-headed options we have today. Between me and my sisters, we had dozens of dolls - and that's not including the dozens of Special Edition Barbies my parents have stored at their house. My plan for when my house is finished (it's currently being built) is to get a display cabinet and then liberate them from the garage. I might even take some of them out of the box! (GASP!!!) 

I used to float, now I just fall down

I used to know, but I'm not sure now

What I was made for

What was I made for?

One thing that's important about this era in Barbieland is that Mattel really grasped the importance of representation for children, especially young girls. Barbie has had a Black counterpart for Barbie (Christie) and Ken (Steven) since the 60s, a Hispanic (Theresa) counterpart since the late 80s, and has since had Barbies in all body types, nationalities, and skin tones since the 90s. I myself had a Theresa doll, whom I re-christened "Jessica" (of course!) that largely carried out my fantasy adventures. Beyond that, Barbie has been become an LGBTQIA+ icon, which include the first transgender Barbie based on Laverne Cox released last year. And if you want to see something heartwarming, there are dozens of IG reels of gay men buying their first Barbie, because playing with (feminine) dolls wasn't something that was acceptable for young boys 20+ years ago. Now, seriously, who gives a shit? Dudes, hate to break it to you but....Barbie is woke.

I have read a few books on the history and evolution of Barbie and one thing that becomes glaringly obvious is that Barbie is a feminist icon. Now, I have known many a girl who will protest, pretentiously claiming, "Oh, I never played with Barbies" to whom I'd say: Bitch, you ain't special. Such women wear this as a badge of honor, refusing to acknowledge how the influence of this 11 1/2 inch doll has fundamentally shaped their status in society for the better. Before Barbie, a woman working outside the home was rare and temporary. In fact, the only dolls girls had to play with before Barbie were baby dolls - because a little girl was expected to become a mother some day.  A woman going to college for an advanced degree was an anomaly. The mere idea of a woman being a doctor, an astronaut, or anything other than a housewife and a mother was a fantasy. After Barbie, the ambitions of whole generations of women changed. Barbie was the first female Presidential candidate, a giant leap Mattel made after Geraldine Ferraro's historic run as the first Vice Presidential nominee...and she's been running every four years ever since. When you stop to think about it, there are so many careers open to women because Barbie did it first. She put the idea out there and the women of America (and indeed, the world) ran with it and wouldn't back down. That is the power of imagination and imaginative play.

Takin' a drive, I was an ideal

Looked so alive, turns out I'm not real

Just somethin' you paid for

What was I made for?

Let's look at the astrology of Barbie Day, because it was significant from an archetypal standpoint. If I didn't know any better, I'd say Greta Gerwig - or possibly even the studios - intentionally elected this day because of the astrology. First off, this entire week has been significant in terms of major transits - Mars in Virgo was squaring Saturn in Pisces, the nodes switched onto the Aries-Libra axis, and we're ending the week with the Sun in Cancer opposite Pluto in Capricorn, Venus stationing Retrograde in Leo, and finally, the Sun moves into Leo mid-Saturday (i.e., today). For those who don't keep track of astrological transits, that is a lot for one week. And I don't know about you but, boy, I felt it! Possibly one of the craziest weeks I've had in an already crazy year.

The transits I feel most directly reflect the plot of the Barbie Movie are the nodes moving to the Aries-Libra axis, Venus Retrograde, and Sun opposite Pluto - ordered from least to most significant. The switch to the Aries-Libra axis is straightforward - Aries is the sign of Independence, Leadership, and Individuality whereas Libra is the sign of Partnership, Cooperation, and Aesthetics. Barbie is known to be pretty, kind, smart, helpful, talkative, fashionable....but perhaps just a little bit vapid. This is the quintessential, one-dimensional description of Libra. Ruled by Venus, Libras prefer to be in relationship and independence is difficult. In the movie, Barbie chooses to leave BarbieLand to discover things on her own, to pursue her own Hero's Journey - this is a very Aries-like choice. We can intellectualize the Aries-Libra axis as the Lover vs Fighter question - to succeed, we need to be a little of both. We need to be able to speak for our own needs, desires, and boundaries, while still remaining in connection with others. This isn't easy and it's a lesson we'll all be working through over the next 18 months.

Venus is stationing Retrograde in Leo today so, at the time of the Barbie premiere, Venus was completely stopped in the sky. Venus in Leo is flamboyant, dramatic, generous, excessively romantic - a bold and fiery lover. However, when Venus stations Retrograde - in any sign - we may see the shadow side of her core concerns - relationships, beauty, harmony, personal values, luxury and finances - come out. Venus Retrograde is much like Inanna's journey to the Underworld. The Goddess must turn inward and look at who she is without all the vestments that supposedly make her divine. This is not unlike what happens to Barbie in the movie (based on the trailers I've seen) - she has to find out who she is without her perfect Barbie accessories and lifestyle to define who she is. On a worldwide scale, we may be taking a deep look at how much we get back for what we give (as you may have noticed from all the labor strikes, especially the SAG-AFTRA....acting and actors are closely associated with Leo). Leo is the sign of generosity, courage, creativity, and living authentically from the heart. Over the next 40 days, we'll be put in situations that force us to take a look at if we're embodying those things in the area of our chart that Leo rules (for me as a Gemini Rising, that's going to be the 3rd House, which covers Communication, Community, Early Education, Transportation, and Siblings/Extended Family). 

Finally, it's important to note that the chart of The Barbie Movie, is a Cancer Sun, with the Sun opposite Pluto Retrograde in Capricorn. Cancer is known to be a softer, more feminine sign - womanly arts and values, like motherhood, creative hobbies, and protection, all find a comfortable outlet in this sign. Additionally, Margot Robbie, who plays Barbie, has a Cancer heavy chart and she's a Cancer Rising, which means the Moon is her chart ruler. The Moon, even more than Venus, represents the Feminine aspect, and - like me - Robbie's Moon is in Scorpio, which is basically the Moon's least favorite place. In this opposition, Pluto is strengthened because 1) it's in Capricorn, a sign where it flourishes and 2) it's Retrograde, which tends to increase the potency of any planet's influence. Archetypically, with the planets on the Cancer-Capricorn axis, we can see an underlying struggle between comfort and ambition, home and work, emotional security and financial security. Cancer wants to go towards they feel emotionally safe, towards authentic connection, whereas Capricorn can tend to put those things aside as long as the image they portray is perfect. The plot of the movie is basically Barbie having an Existentialist Crisis. She is living the "perfect dream life" but she doesn't know why she exists, who she is, or even if that's who she wants to be. She experiences a Dark Night of the Soul (DNOTS), which doesn't necessarily always look all dark and serious a la Oppenheimer. In fact, "Oppenheimer" is a good foil for "Barbie" because it shows a different side of what is essentially the same experience. Sometimes, a DNOTS is grappling with the great questions of who we are and questioning the value of what we're putting out into the world; sometimes, it's just fumbling through everyday life as if we don't know what we're doing (even if we thought we had a good idea the day before). 

When did it end? All the enjoyment

I'm sad again, don't tell my boyfriend

It's not what he's made for

What was I made for?

You may have noticed it but we're in the throes of a great philosophical battle between Existentialism and Nihilism. Nihilism is the philosophy that there is no meaning in the world and nothing one does matters (the underlying message being....so just do whatever you want); whereas Existentialism argues that we need to create the meaning for ourselves. Nihilism fuels excess consumption and meaningless relationships with both people, inanimate objects, and nature. Even with The Barbie Movie, I have never seen a film more beneficial for pop culture materialism, with Barbie collaborations happening for everything ranging from food and clothing to interior decor and vacations. However, I've also seen an outpouring of independent creation from her fans and a renewed interest in uplifting Barbie to a role she has always held - a symbol of the people.....a role model for the younger generation.....and as an egalitarian icon.

Due to the amazing marketing that resulted from both the movies opening on the same day, one cannot speak on "The Barbie Movie" without mentioning "Oppenheimer." For the record, I want to see both and I love that people have turned this into an opportunity for a double feature (a pastime the public rarely engages in anymore due to the increasing costs of going to the cinema). "Oppenheimer' deals with an entirely different kind of existentialist crisis - Man versus the destructive nature of his Creation. It's a theme you may most readily recognize from Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein." True story - the first nuclear explosion occurred on 16 July 1945. The ultimate symbol of destruction is a Cancer Sun. And Pluto in Cancer ruled over The Great War era (which happens to coincide with on of my favorite aesthetics, Dieselpunk). Let's not downplay it - the atomic bomb is one of the most amazing feats of engineering and physics mankind has ever achieved. But it's also, by far and away, the most destructive and ever since that July day in the New Mexico desert, the threat of Nuclear Armageddon has weighed on humanity. It brings to mind the ghosts of legacy, because the atomic bomb is a part of my family history. My grandparents worked on The Manhattan Project - my grandfather's work is what made such a creation possible. And it's a surreal experience seeing two things that shaped my childhood - Barbie and fond memories of Los Alamos - brought to the big screen. It's humbling to see the interconnections between these seemingly disparate movies and my own life.

Think I forgot how to be happy

Somethin' I'm not, but somethin' I can be

Somethin' I wait for

Somethin' I'm made for

Somethin' I'm made for

This song was written by Eilish specifically for "The Barbie Movie." Unlike a lot of the rest of the soundtrack - which is full of upbeat dance-pop, such as Dua Lipa's "Dance the Night Way" - Eilish's contribution embraces the melancholic side of the existentialist musing found throughout the film's plot. Eilish's voice has that seductive sadness that fits the theme of the movies so well. The music video for the song features Billie Eilish, who looks as young as she is, setting up Barbie's dream closet. After the first couple verses and chorus, she's assaulted by a storm...but she persists. When the storm ends, she cleans up and lays her head down, a quick moment of surrender before she runs off.

"What Was I Made For?" Official Video