Music Slut
A Home for Indiscriminate Lovers of Music
Monday, September 9, 2024
Another Year Wiser... ("Void" by Melanie Martinez)
Saturday, March 16, 2024
Brute Forcing a Path Forward ("Happy Endings" by Mike Shinoda, feat. UPSAHL & iann dior)
This has been my top track in this dumpster fire of a week. It started with an interview for a big promotion (with a real pay increase, not just the basic bitch cost-of-living bump I was going to get) and it ended with upper management subtly telling everyone I'm getting more responsibilities than I expected. That's how they do a lot of things within my department. They send out a nondescript email on a Friday after everyone goes home. How did I do on the interview, you may ask? Well, I left it feeling like I had bombed it. I spoke later with my supervisor/hiring manager for the position and he said that - contrary to what my head was telling me - the panel was very impressed and that I did well. I still won't know until next week but I feel better about the waiting now. The thing is, with that sneaky little email yesterday, he is no longer my supervisor and giving the promotion to me would mean giving away one of his slots to a different manager. In other words, no one would question him giving the promotion to his "favorite" (take that how you will), which is what everyone has been telling me was going to happen anyway. That's been fun.
I had a conversation with my work bestie a couple weeks ago about how to make me look more impressive over this other internal candidate. At first, I was a bit offended. I need to make myself more impressive against a girl who has 6 years less practical experience than I do and still lists her student leadership positions on her resume? Who is on PTO practically every other month, yells at her team, and whose supervisor is doing half her work for her? Seriously?! But honestly, I don't know why I'm surprised anymore. If you're not someone's favorite in this place, it's hard to move up. And I'd be lying if I said I hadn't benefited from that - I know for a fact that I have my own cheerleaders in upper management who have been singing my praises since I got hired. In fact, I have a feeling one of them is responsible for the additional duties it looks like I have now. Now that I feel like I've proved that their faith is well placed, at least I feel good about that. In addition to being competent at my job, I know I'm likeable and approachable. In a field that doesn't often have a lot of emotionally/socially intelligent workers, I stand out. I'm ranting. At this point, I'm just talking myself up so I don't worry so much about what the promotion decision will be. I'm trying to "manifest" into existence, if you will. Because I'm that girl.
That's my dirty little not-so-secret. I believe in manifestation and practice magic and know in my soul that amazing things can happen in ways that make absolutely no fucking sense. I know they can. I've seen it. I've been telling myself the stars are on my side (because based on my knowledge of astrology, there wouldn't have been a better time for this interview). I've seen repeating numbers constantly this week. I don't know what they mean and at this point, I don't care. Even if it's just a coincidence, I'm just going to assume it means something positive. I was reminded by something I heard recently (probably from some random manifestation coach, tbh) that faith is believing in a dream/wish/desire/goal, even when you can't logically see how it could happen. And that's where I am at the moment. I've done everything I could possibly do to earn this promotion, so it's in the Universe's hands now (well, technically, it's in my former supervisor's hands but I'm just going to trust that things will play out in my favor).
Final note on manifestation, before you write me off as just some crazy bitch: 1) you are definitely right and I'm not going to fault you for that but 2) my interest in manifestation has gotten me out of some serious issues with overthinking, especially the negative variety. It helps me feel like I'm doing something, even if the only control I have is over my own mindset. For example, I have these frightening intrusive thoughts where I imagine that terrible things are going to happen to my babies....in those moments, I just say an affirmation out loud to myself, such as "My children are safe," and it calms me down. I know that sounds super OCD - I don't care. It works. It's better than wallowing in the scary visions. And that, my friends, is why I'm a Manifestation Girlie 4 Life.
"Happy Endings" was released in early 2021, but as you can probably tell from the lyrics, Mike Shinoda wrote it during the pandemic. Like many of us, Shinoda found himself in a dark place during quarantine and turned to his creativity to climb his way out. He started doing live twitch streams for about three hours a day where he would play music or do other art forms (drawing or what have you) based on fan request. I wrote about my manifestation journey today because that's kind of what this song is about. It's about the power of delusion to keep us going even when the struggle of life is bleakest. And even I can admit that the key to "manifestation" is just aggressively delusional optimism. In the song, Shinoda raps about all the things bringing him down. It's a lot of self-criticism about the work he's doing on Twitch, like when he misspeaks or says something that might offend one person out of the millions of people who might've been watching his streams. The bitchy comments people leave on his social media. (Why do people do that? Just fucking move on.) Getting upset with himself for taking out his frustration on the wrong people, placing blame on others who don't deserve it.....
Hey....this human thing is hard. At least some people are trying to make themselves better. I think the vast majority of people are way too hard on themselves. They worry every move they make is a mistake, even when no one else can see the flaws. Lately, I've been trying to remind myself that it ain't that serious. That's main message of this song - it's not naïve to believe in happy endings. On the contrary, it denotes a certain amount of strength and tenacity.
"Happy Endings" Music Video
Sunday, February 18, 2024
Poetic Interlude ("In My Dreams" by Walter Meego)
I'm comfort watching "Ugly Betty" at the moment. It's been a long time since I watched the original run and it had been one of my favorite shows during the late 2000s. When I saw it on Netflix, I was stoked. With recent workplace drama, I identify more with Betty now than ever. I feel like being my authentic self makes certain people enjoy my presence more....while simultaneously pissing off others. Others who have more influence than I do. I can't help it. I know I come off as naive, wide-eyed, absurdly optimistic....maybe even a bit bimbo-esque in some cases. Sometimes, my snarkiness gets me in trouble. I often speak before I think, especially when what I have to say sounds really clever in my head. I hang out with the "wrong" people because, to me, they're the right people and they've had my back since I started. Always talking me up, even when I feel like a fraud. I know I don't fit, but I still want to be there. I still feel like it's a part of my story, like how Betty feels for Mode Magazine.
This song plays at the end of an episode in Season 2, when Betty's had one of the worst birthdays ever, except for when her friend, Gio, showed up to give her a surprise because he felt she deserved this fantasy birthday that she dreamed of. When she gets home, her boyfriend, Henry, is sleeping on the couch because he was waiting for her. I know it sounds sweet, but Henry is kind of the reason she had a terrible birthday. He let a certain situation get in the way instead of being there for her. This is the guy who claims he loves her and yet he keeps making all these wrong moves. Watching Season 2 is the most frustrating thing because of their relationship - first, it's the "will they, won't they" trope, then they try to keep the relationship a secret from multiple people (for stupid reasons), and finally, it ends with it just being an altogether shitty relationship because both of them are emotionally stunted. And for the record, I don't care how hot Henry is, I was Team Gio from the moment he stepped on screen. Spoiler alert: She chooses herself over both of them. I know there's a lesson in that, but quite honestly, I don't want to hear it.
The song is....well....dreamy. And it sounds like something that's playing in the back of my mind while I'm thinking of....something else. A fantasy. A hope. A wish. Something that is not my current reality and seems unreal and far away and - in all fairness - highly improbable.
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Anyway, I made a New Year's resolution to write two haikus a week this year and I have a bunch I've written. I actually think some of them are good so I wanted to share a few, so you can join in this rollercoaster of a year I'm having.
Common sources of inspiration include romance and literature...
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Last year, I blocked someone who I was mad at. For good reason, mind you, but still...it was childish. We were really close, it was devastating, and it even surprised me when I pressed that button (as well as the emotional outburst that preceded it). It's been several months since I've heard from them but I dream of them from time to time. Recently, I could feel myself starting to get over the anger I had towards them. I thought, "What the hell? Let's unblock them. They probably don't even think about me anymore. They probably won't even notice." I thought it was safe - my IG is private and I don't follow them anymore, so it's not like I'd see their updates. A word of advice - if you blocked someone, just keep them blocked.
I ended up hurting my own feelings. After unblocking them on Insta, I saw that they went to the same part of CA where I was born - including my literal birthplace - for their birthday. Did they realize that? It's possible. They know a lot about me, because I trusted them. Given how large CA is, it's hard for me to believe it's a coincidence. Was it simply one more thing they did just to get under my skin because they thought I was watching? I don't know, I don't care. Pretty fucked up, if it was, but not shocking. I blocked them initially so I wouldn't see this shit so I blocked them again. I'm just gonna stay mad. I'm clearly not over what happened between us, I'm wise enough to admit it. Might not ever be. As expected, they got angry and blocked me back. Which means they noticed I unblocked them in the first place, which wasn't for very long. Good. That's what I needed. My main reason for unblocking them was so they would have the opportunity to block me. Fair is fair. I was about to ruin my own peace again and they've saved me from that. Thank you, next.
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"In My Dreams" Music Video
Sunday, January 14, 2024
The Apotheosis of Jessica ("I Am Not A Woman, I'm A God" by Halsey)
Sunday, December 24, 2023
The Only Way Out is Through ("Desert Song" by My Chemical Romance)
We'll do a full unveiling of the results of my Spotify Wrapped experiment (results: inconclusive because they changed their fucking algorithm). The next few artists and/or songs I'll be writing about were featured prominently in my Most Played lists. Among the top artists - and standing out like a sore thumb - was My Chemical Romance. Well, of course, they were there. I still have a wide-eyed dream to follow them around on tour someday. And this song - "Desert Song" - has become a particular favorite of mine this past year. This has been a helluva fucking year. There are some good things - bought a house, got a promotion, spent lots of time with family. But interlaced, there's been a lot of not-so-great things - my mom was diagnosed and treated for cancer, my paternal grandfather died, and the promotion wasn't so much of a promotion as it was a punishment for being good at my job. I've been moving at breakneck speed since this year started and this holiday season has felt like a high-speed train derailment.
This song is about looking back at everything you've been through and still forging ahead with hope. When they started, the members of My Chemical Romance were going through it. Death, mental illness, addiction - it comes across in their music, but it was a dark road. And I know some people reading this may understand the feeling - wondering how you're still alive after everything, amazed you made it through life so far with the way you were living it. It's about how you carry on, even when it's hard to do.
The vocals on this track aren't pretty, but they fit the song well. Apparently, Gerard Way got wasted before recording it and tried to sing drunk. I think that's pretty obvious during certain parts, where the words get slurred together. In spite of its flaws, though, the emotion comes through and is what makes this song hit so hard. It's sad but there's parts that sound hopeful and wistful. The most hopeful lyric, to me, is "I can see you anytime in my head." It hints at just the right amount of delusion needed to get through a tough day. There's rumors that Way wrote it when he was suicidal and I can hear that. Sometimes, I lay on the floor of my bedroom, imagining the blood running out, this song playing in my head. The real thing isn't an option because 1) it scares me (as it should) and 2) I could never do that to my children. But still, when I'm pretending, the biggest emotion I feel is relief. That's when I realize I'm just really tired (you can hear that in the song, too), pick myself off the floor and go wash my face.
I saw a pithy Instagram quote recently that I've found comforting in these troubled times: "If you're going through Hell, keep going." Attributed to Winston Churchill, most likely trying to pacify the British public as they were being relentlessly bombed by the Nazis. It reminds me of something I wrote once - thoughts from a long-forgotten character who was trying to run from her Fate (or at least, her Fate as I had written it). She's trying to run away from some G-men types who were trying to take her away but she's stuck in her house. I'll summarize, because I don't remember exactly what I wrote, but....do me a favor, and fill in the details with the best writing you can imagine a 20-year-old putting down on paper.
Summary: A girl encounters suited goons on the threshold of her door. Her parents stand outside, useless, complicit. The only way out is in. She runs inside her house but there's nowhere to go. They follow her. She sees the staircase. The only way out is up. She runs up the staircase, but again, there's nowhere to go. She runs to her room and looks around frantically. Her eyes fall on the window. The only way out is death. She makes to jump out the window but the men get to her before she can. As they are frog-marching her out of her house, to a nondescript black SUV, her mind calms. The only way out is through.
What kind of story was I writing? It was a dystopian novel, about a girl (yes, a girl - she's a teenager when the story starts) who is taken to serve the whims of an authoritarian government. You know - typical early 2000s concerns. I want to say she overcomes and overthrows said tyrannical government, but I know teenaged girls who rebel in such environments usually end up dead. It's funny - all my characters now are considerably more grown, mid-to-late 20s. Maybe even early 30s. Not old, but not so naïve anymore. So how do they end up in the story? Why are they the main character and not someone smarter, younger, more full of life? They aren't the Chosen One, just the one that chose to be there, for better or worse. Moral of the story - choose to be the one that shows up, no matter how crazy the journey becomes.
Every once in a while lately, I'll feel this aching deep in my chest. And I know what it is. It's loneliness. Being the romantic I am, I like to imagine, as I look out my window over the desert, beyond the mountains, past the pecan trees shedding their leaves, there's someone out there listening to this song, feeling the same wretched ache. There's a yearning to be known embodied in this song. To be seen, to be heard. To not be forgotten. All the trials the band went through together, all the hardship and rejection one must face as an artist - whether it be music or writing or any other type of artistic expression - is summed up in one lyric. Will it ever come? This could be talking about death, but I think most people think of it in the context of the things they want most in their lives. Success, companionship, wealth. And in the depths of their despair, the doubt comes rolling in like a thunderstorm. Is it all worth it? It may not be, but in order to make it worth it, you have to go through these doldrums to come through the other side.
Sorry for the melancholic, discombobulated post right before Christmas. I've been going through a lot of feelings, mostly because I've been stressed out at work and at home. It doesn't really feel like Christmas to me this year - very similar to how I felt in 2020. It's just been one of those years that I'm a little shocked to see I've made it through. That we've made it through. (Congratulations, by the way.) I've heard similar sentiments from other people, from work and in my pole classes....2023 can fuck all the way off. Am I optimistic about 2024? Eh, not really, but there's reasons behind that which I'll go into at another time. Regardless, I hope you have a Merry Christmas!
Footnote: I highly recommend the latest episode of The Astrology Podcast. It's about Saturn in each of the signs and the music that comes out during each Saturn transit. Not surprisingly, a lot of emo music (including this song and the album it should've been on..."Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge") came out during Saturn in Cancer. Saturn in Cancer also had a lot of music inspired by mother figures, and it's interesting to note that the song that put MCR into the mainstream was "Helena," which was about Gerard and Mikey Way's grandmother. There is so much astrological and music goodness in this episode, so definitely check it out!
"Desert Song" Video