"Mansion" by NF and Fleurie

This song popped up on one of the "Cancer Cosmic Playlists" on Spotify. I love songs with the juxtaposition of beautiful, ethereal vocals against the rawness of rapped verses (like "Airplanes" by B.o.B. & Hayley Williams and "Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem & Rihanna). These lyrics hit pretty hard and - even though it's not the best song to listen to first thing in the morning on your way to work - I felt a deep connection with the words. The joke about Cancers is that they're "cry babies" but their symbol is a crab for a reason. We are sensitive, but you have to get through the tough shell first....and we only let certain people do that, if at all. "Mansion" is about the inability to allow yourself to be vulnerable, which is something I think most people struggle with. Especially for those with a history of trauma, they've learned that any level of vulnerability is unsafe, so they've built up walls upon walls of defense mechanisms. In the song, NF describes it as the titular "Mansion," where each room holds all his trauma, pain, regrets, and - most notably - his fear. In his dark moments, he paces its rooms, revisits all the ugliness. It's a prison for him and he's afraid to let anyone see it because, the minute he does, they'll leave him.

Insidious is blind inception

What's reality with all these questions?

Feels like I missed my alarm and slept in (slept in)

Broken legs but I chase perfection

These walls are my blank expression

My mind is a home I'm trapped in

And it's lonely inside this mansion

Lately, I had been thinking that things that happened in my childhood seem so far away. Like they didn't happen, almost. Even events that happened a year ago seem irrelevant now, irrelevant to moving forward, irrelevant to getting where I want to go. But I woke up on Friday in a panic, because I could literally hear my parents fighting in my sleep. The thing I remember most is the vocal fry that happens when people scream. The sound is so familiar to me. I hate it. I try not to yell when I'm angry and I try to avoid screaming to the point where my voice gets that harsh. The sound scares me so much that I can't even stand when my own voice gets to that point. I don't know if it was a dream or a memory or something my head put together - all the fights blur together and it always seemed like it was the same fight over and over.

Revisiting abnormal psychology and understanding what happened to me helps, in a way. I've been reading articles and watching videos about narcissistic abuse lately and why people stay stuck in these relationships for so long. Sometimes decades, even when it feels wrong. Even when the abuse is so obvious. The thing is that it's a process that slowly breaks down your identity and your mind until you're entirely dependent upon an abuser for your self-worth. And if you start to assert yourself or start getting your self-worth built up by outside sources, the abuse usually gets worse because the abuser feels like they've lost control. There's a whole cycle to it. In romantic relationships, the abuser will go through periods where they're the person you always wanted them to be or the person they were at the beginning of the relationship (called "love-bombing") - but it never lasts. Once you're back under their control, they're back to being angry all the time (because anger is how they control your behavior) and treating you like you're worthless. But the small kindnesses that they dole out, the breadcrumbs of "love," are so addictive because you're so depleted, you keep coming back for more. Slowly, your expectations for this person become less and less. The problem is you're never going to get the validation you crave from this person because - no matter what you do - they are never happy. You can never satisfy them and it destroys your perception of yourself. You begin to think of yourself as unlovable and unworthy.

A reason this cycle is so effective is that the brain doesn't like cognitive dissonance. For example, a person says they love you but they treat you like shit, the mind resolves that incongruity by turning inward and building an idea of yourself that you must be this terrible person that your abuser says you are. Which makes them seem even more Savior-like because, "Oh wow! I'm this terrible person and they stay anyway! They must really love me!" Wrong. Narcissistic abusers are literally vampires and they're staying around because you still have something for them to siphon out (money, attention, status). The minute all that goes away, they'll leave. That's another fallacy of modern society is that we're so entrenched with protecting our collective abandonment wound that we've twisted relationships to mean that staying = love. But staying in a relationship with someone who treats you like you don't matter, who calls you names, and continuously invalidates your feelings or thoughts, will destroy your capacity to love yourself. Claiming to love someone but not treating them with respect - especially when emotions are high - is a huge red flag. Unfortunately, it's usually one we ignore until it's too late, because we're desperate to feel loved. This is why, if you had narcissistic parents growing up, you're more likely to end up in similar relationships as an adult. This instability seems like "normal" relationship troubles. It's not.

Another reason why narcissistic abuse continues for so long is that it fucks with your memory. Gaslighting is a technique specifically designed to make you question your rational mind. For example, you might bring up something the person said in a previous conversation and they'll reply "I never said that!" or "That doesn't sound like me!" Normal (non-narcissistic people) will immediately question themselves and wonder if maybe they just remembered it wrong. That's something a narcissist is counting on. Long-term, it results in a sort of brain fog, where you're not even sure if you're remembering other important details of your life correctly. It ensures that you won't tell anyone or, if you do, that you won't be believed. The antidote for this is to write these moments down and/or tell a trusted friend. Both of these methods serve as an external memory, as it were, that helps to remind you that what you're experiencing is not just in your head. That it's real. I journaled off and on throughout high school and so did my little sister, and this helped immensely. It always terrified me that my mom would find our writings, to the point where - during one of the worst periods - I called my little sister and told her to burn my notebooks and her journals if she had to. As a writer, this is a nigh un-thinkable act but, at the time, I would've done anything to protect myself and my sisters. It's also important to note that my mom always hated my friends and would blame them for me acting in certain ways. I never told them about it, because I didn't want them to feel bad. To be honest, my friends saved me. They gave me a place to go when it got really bad and they reminded me that I wasn't ugly and stupid, that these were just words my mom used to hurt me. A narcissistic abuser will want to isolate you as much as possible to prevent others from destroying the negative self-perception you have of yourself. They won't want you talking to your family or will talk negatively about your family. They will not want to hang out with your friends and will get upset if you want to spend time with your friends without them. It's important that you stay connected to friends and family anyway, because you'll need that support network if you try to leave.

So this part of my house, no one's been in it for years

I built the safe room and I don't let no one in there

'Cause if I do, there's a chance that they might disappear and not come back

And I admit I am emotionally scared to let anyone inside

So I just leave my doors locked

You might get other doors to open up but this door's not

'Cause I don't want you to have the opportunity to hurt me

And I'll be the only person that I can blame when you desert me

I'm barricaded inside so stop watching

I'm not coming to the door so stop knocking, stop knocking

I'm trapped here, God keeps saying I'm not locked in

I chose this, I am lost in my own conscience

I know that shutting the wall down ain't solving the problem

But I didn't build this house because I thought it would solve 'em

I built it because I thought that it was safer in there

But it's not, I'm not the only thing that's living in here

Fear came to my house years ago, I let him in

Maybe that's the problem 'cause I've been dealing with this ever since

I thought that he would leave, but it's obvious he never did

He must have picked the room and got comfortable and settled in

Now I'm in the position it's either sit here and let him win

Or put him back outside where he came from, but I never can

'Cause in order to do that I'd have to open the doors

Is that me or the fear talking?

I don't know anymore

NF doesn't address it in the song, but the way you get rid of the fear is to burn the fucking house down. Destroy it, room by room. We call this process therapy and, to quote Channing Tatum, "everybody needs to be in therapy." He's not wrong. You have to walk through the rooms - the painful memories, the regrets, the mistakes - and remind yourself that, even though they happened, they don't have to define you. Bad things may have happened to you, you may have done bad things, but that doesn't make you a bad person. I'm not saying those triggers won't come up ever again if you go through therapy - they will (as my recent experiences attest). You'll just be able to deal with them in more healthy ways. Instead of getting drunk, you'll go exercise or call a friend. Instead of engaging in self-destructive behaviors (like cutting or starving yourself), you make art or write or meditate. Life after trauma is a slow process, almost painfully slow at times, especially when it feels like you're going backwards. You have to be brave enough to discover who you are without that negative influence in your life. It's scary. The loneliness can be so scary that it's almost preferable to go back to an unhealthy situation. But learn to become comfortable with being alone, with being by yourself. Moments of solitude is where you learn that you are enough.

I've been in a good place recently but the last couple of days, my mind has been very heavy. I feel lighter now. I hope sharing my experiences and knowledge help someone, especially anyone who is still going through this. You're not alone and you're not imagining things.

"Mansion" Video

"Sympathetic Magic" by Charming Disaster

Pam Grossman, host of "The Witch Wave" podcast, created a playlist to celebrate the release of her book, "Waking the Witch: Reflections on Women, Magic, and Power." I've been listening through it to discover witchy-themed music and found a few new favorites. This one got stuck in my head this morning. I thought it was clever in both the context and format. It's a duet and, like a lot of duets, it is organized as a "call and response" type song. You hear her side, then his, and then - the part that I like the most - is when they overlap. They're singing different lyrics at the same time, which creates this beautiful cacophony for a moment before the chorus harmonizes both parts. As for the story, it's very simple. Boy meets girl at a seance. They feel a connection but they separate anyway. However, the girl is a witch and she uses sympathetic magic (essentially a "voodoo doll") on him. And every time he feels it, he thinks of her.

It's not the same as the real thing

Might like this better instead

I know you're thinking of me

When I'm thinking that

We are connected

We are connected

The album this is from is called "Cautionary Tales," so I wonder what the lesson is here. Don't fall in love with a witch - not even once? I think that's the moral of a lot of stories, to be honest. One of the earliest witch stories I remember was an American folktale. It was in the book that sparked my interest in witches so long ago, and I think it was one of my favorites. In the story, there's this woman who started having terrible headaches. Migraines, every single day (which I can imagine would be a nightmare). Her quality of life for her and her family goes down because it impairs her ability to do anything required of colonial life. Her husband begins an affair with the suspected town witch. Suspected because she's incredibly beautiful, with long dark hair and dark eyes, and she lives alone. The woman knows but the migraines prevent her from doing anything about it, so she goes to a known healer (commonly referred to as "white witch" in early Americana) for a cure. The white witch tells her that there's nothing he can do because she's been bewitched. The person who cursed her had gotten hold of some strands of her hair and had sown them beneath the pelt of a hare. Until this hare is killed, the migraines will persist. Furthermore, the white witch says to kill the witch who cursed her, the woman should shoot a silver bullet through an image of the witch.

So the woman lives on in pain for months until, one day, she's in her garden and the migraines magically stop. She's so happy that she begins to sing. A hunter follows her singing and stops by to say "hello," which is when she notices that one of his kills is a hare. When she asks about it, the hunter brags that he's the best shot around. As a test, she draws the image of a woman on a piece of wood. She requests that the hunter shoot the image through the leg and he does so successfully. Later in the day, she hears that the beautiful witch has taken ill with a pain through the leg. The next day, the witch dies, and the woman is racked with guilt because she is sure she is the one who murdered her. Until she learns that the witch's own brother shot an image of her with an actual silver bullet, not ordinary buckshot like the hunter.

I knew from your demeanor (Make a little totem)

That you were a kindred soul (Fetish doll effigy)

Your smile was so familiar (Put in it a token)

And I couldn't let you go (Something that comes from me)

It's a sympathetic magic (Sympathetic magic)

Pulls us together close (Are we doomed? Are we cursed?)

It's a sympathetic magic (Sympathetic magic)

It's the thing I love the most (It could always be worse)

Sympathetic magic is a type of magic based on imitation or correspondence. Most of the spells and magic that people are familiar with are sympathetic magic in some form or another. Some examples:  making a sachet for abundance (mint, maybe cinnamon) or love (rose petals, basil); burning certain colored candles and anointing them with special oils or carving intentions into the wax; burning pictures of people or writing down/saying their names; or, most famously, using items taken from a person (such as hair, nails, maybe even blood) to create a poppet to represent them.

It's a tricky subject in the witchcraft community. There are some who believe that one should never use magic to manipulate and control others. There are others who believe that doing things like curses or hexes can be acceptable if it adds to the overall good of the world. There are still others who think they should be able to use magic to further their aims, regardless of whether or not it affects the free will of others. Some believe there are consequences (bad karma, the Threefold Law) and some believe it is just morally wrong, regardless if there are consequences for the caster. I won't go into any diatribes on where I stand - people can make their own choices. But, as far as magic goes, it's considered fairly powerful. Sympathetic magic began in prehistoric times - if you're familiar with the Lascaux Caves in France, it has been hypothesized that the cave drawings were created as part of a ceremony to ensure a successful hunt. We even see it today in modern rituals, such as the culmination of Burning Man and the Burning of Zozobra that happens in Santa Fe every year (which is coming up at the end of August). Torching these effigies is meant to banish sadness, strife, and bondage on a collective scale.

Of course, no discussion of sympathetic magic is complete without mentioning the obvious: voodoo dolls. Although it's most commonly associated with the African diaspora practices that developed in Haiti and the Southern United States, various forms are practiced in many cultures and poppet magic in particular has roots in Europe. The idea is simple - make a doll, tie it to a person by making it in their likeness or adding items associated with that person, and then use pins to pierce the doll. This practice can be used for healing purposes as well, such as through distance reiki or anointing the doll and praying over it. Poppets, effigies, and totems - they're all just tools. Like with everything, it's your intentions that matter most.

One final question I had on the song, though - the lyrics in the chorus are "It's not the same as the real thing/Might like this better instead." Why? Perhaps the real thing removes all the mystery and magic.  I might be pondering that for awhile.

"Sympathetic Magic" Video

"Jaded" by Aerosmith

This song came up in a mix recently and I realized I'd forgotten how much I loved this song. When I was a kid, of course. It was released in December 2000 and was basically my whole soundtrack for 2001. I remember dancing around my living room whenever the music video came on MTV - this was before I was considered "responsible enough" to have a TV in my room. And yes, I know the MTV reference is instantly dated. I'm a member of the last generation who remembers when MTV only played music videos. And, I'm gonna tell ya, the world was a simpler place then. Or so it seemed. Yet, I still identified very strongly with this song - even though my (well meaning, Hanson-loving) friends didn't get it - at the tender age of 13....perhaps because I already understood the feeling back then. Of course, I'm not sure if I was jaded or if I knew it was unsafe to show emotion...so I didn't. Coping mechanisms are fun!

Your thinking's so complicated

I've had it all up to here

But it's so overrated

Love and hated

Wouldn't trade it

Love me jaded

I looked up the definition for "jaded" because I'm starting to feel like I know so many words but have lost touch with the true meaning. Linguistics is a true passion of mine (one of several). Apparently, the word originally meant "worn-out horse," possibly from the Old Norse jalda meaning "mare." Luckily, I've recently taken up Icelandic (apparently the closest language to Old Norse) so I know exactly how to pronounce jalda, in addition to several other words. I particularly enjoy saying the word for "mushroom," which is sveppur. Moving on in our explanation (rant....it's a rant at this point) about words, "jaded" has three meanings in English, all fairly similar. 1. Bored or lacking enthusiasm, typically after having been over exposed to, or having consumed too much of something. 2. Worn-out, wearied, exhausted, or lacking enthusiasm, due to age or experience. 3. Made callous, or cynically insensitive, by experience. I think it's something akin to that "emptiness" I'm always going on about. Nothing surprises you. In fact, the pettiness and predictability of human beings (including yourself) begins to get tiresome. It happens. Every so often, I stop believing in fairy tales and magic for a little while. At this point, I don't worry because it usually comes back. All you need is a little spark.

Hey j-j-jaded

There ain't no baby please

When I'm shootin' the breeze with her

When everything you see is a blur

And ecstasy's what you prefer

This songs meaning is somewhat layered. There's the most obvious layer, which is that it's about a complicated relationship with a younger woman who is just so bored with life already. But then there's the layer of what Steven Tyler was thinking when he wrote the song. He was thinking of his youngest daughter while developing "Jaded," about how he didn't feel as if he was there enough due to his lifestyle (not just the musician life, but drug addictions too). All of his relationships with his children are complicated like this. Liv Tyler didn't meet him until she was 9, when her mother took her to an Aerosmith concert. Bebe Buell didn't tell her that Tyler was her father due to his involvement with drugs but - to hear Liv Tyler tell the story - when she met Steven Tyler, she just "knew" he was her father. And I believe her. I think children always know about those kind of complicated things. They know when something's wrong, even when adults refuse to talk about them or straight up lie to their face. Over time, we teach them (and ourselves) that they're overthinking or they're "too sensitive" (that's my favorite one, can't you tell? I heard it a lot growing up), and so life slowly stamps out that intuition because we've learned to ignore it. And that shit is hard to grow back. Assuming that ignoring your intuition doesn't kill you first.

As I said, I loved the music video. It has a style about it - it's not creepy, but it's clear that the world is a little off. The girl (a young Mila Kunis, who looks as beautiful as always and weirdly reminds me of my older sister) is surrounded by a lavish lifestyle. Beautiful clothes, meticulous servants, every manner of entertainment at her slightest whim. She literally has it all but something is missing for her. Everything blurs together. There's nothing fantastical in her fantasy world. Then, a mysterious force asks her, "What do you want?" And she answers simply, "To Feel" (Oh. My. God. That is such a Cancer thing to say!) The mysterious force tells her to "Find the Forest" and she runs madly searching for it. For all her trouble, she finds the forest - which is quite a magical place - and she is finally touched to the point where she cries. I told you...she just needed a spark. A happy ending indeed. On a somewhat related note, YouTube has been suggesting a lot of psychology videos for me lately and I've taken the bait. Of course, I'm starting to realize that I've never strayed too far from my roots.

"Jaded" Video

"Twenty Two" by Taylor Swift

I've chosen a somewhat obnoxious song for my birthday, because I can. I know the song is actually "Twenty Two" but, lately, I've been singing it as "Thirty Two" because that's how old I am today (and I'm a dork who makes up lyrics to songs just for fun). As of 3:45 am, which you will notice is when this post was uploaded. No, I am not awake that early - I'm an old woman and I need my beauty sleep - but I did schedule it to post at precisely my birth time. Yep, I'm a little extra. When I got my first cell phone, my best friend in high school used to call me at exactly 3:45am every birthday, which made me feel super special. Lately, I feel like I'm lucky if The Husband remembers without looking at Facebook (but I'm sure a lot of people are in that boat with me....that's why I've been loudly hinting that my birthday is coming up for the last two weeks).

Anyway, even though I kinda/sorta think this is a terrible song, I still love it because it's hella catchy. Taylor Swift is (also) weirdly obsessed with her birthday and her age, so this is one of multiple songs she titled after the age she was at the time she wrote it. Additionally, her fifth studio album was named "1989," after the year she was born. She has a song named "Back to December," which is the month she was born in. And her next album is going to be released on 8/23, which is "13" if you add up all the numbers (this isn't just supposition - she straight up pointed this out when she did an Instagram video announcing the release of "Lover"). All of this makes me think she might be super interested in numerology which, quite frankly, just makes me love her even more.

It seems like one of those nights

This place is too crowded, too many cool kids uh uh, uh uh

It seems like one of those nights

We ditch the whole scene and end up dreaming instead of sleeping

Yeah

We're happy free confused and lonely in the best way

It's miserable and magical oh yeah

Tonight's the night, when we forget about the heartbreaks, it's time uh oh

I don't know about you but I'm feeling 22 32

Everything will be alright if you keep me next to you

You don't know about me, but I bet you want to

Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we're 22 32

I know I ranted about Taylor's Cancer moon a couple weeks back, but let's not forget, she's a Sagittarius, which is one of my favorite signs. You know why? Because, it's the sign of hope and optimism and I have a lot of Sagittarius placements (couldn't you tell?) And, as far as songs go, hope and optimism is the energy that "Twenty Two" most embodies. So - if I really believe in all this magic and setting intentions stuff - that's the energy I want to embrace for my 32nd year on this floating rock. In my recent astrological studies, I've been reading a lot about annual profections, which is that specific houses (and any planets that fall within them) are activated during each year as we grow older. The age of 31 falls in the 8th house, which is the House of Death and Rebirth. It's a house of hard lessons, hard realizations, and a lot of soul growth. I feel like that was very true for me. I also kind of feel like I'm not done with it, yet, but that doesn't mean I'm not looking forward toward what awaits me in the 9th House. The thing I love most about astrology is that everything is connected within the framework, so it should seem absolutely natural that the hard lessons and awakenings we encounter in the 8th House, are solidified into Wisdom during the transit of the 9th House. Ninth House years are full of discoveries and adventure (it's naturally ruler is Sagittarius), and it portends (or at least, I really hope it portends) lots of travel, learning, and expansion. The 9th House also indicates publishing and themes of spirituality and self-improvement. Well, I'm already on that bender so....Bring it on!

Side note: The more I read about profections and compare them to my life circumstances, the more creeped out I get. I met my Husband during a 7th House annual profection, became pregnant with my son shortly after I moved into a 5th House year, and I started my first real job during a 2nd House year. I know it's probably not this accurate for most people, but I find this is a common thing with astrologers. They start learning about astrology because it sounds fun and esoteric, but they keep with it because - when they start to apply it to their own life - it gets scary accurate. Just trying to keep my wits about me.

Anyway, I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 32. Which means that it makes me super anxious that she jumped into the pool wearing a sweater and mini-skirt that I'm almost certain cost like $800 for this video. Damn kids.

"22" Video

"Giver" by K.Flay

My son and I love K.Flay. She's one of the only artists he knows by name - every time one of her music videos comes on, he gets all excited and shouts "It's K.Flay." I feel that way, too, baby. Based on her music, I feel like we've had similar life experiences. She's a fellow Cancer and she also majored in Psychology during university, which explains the introspective nature of a lot of her lyrics. This particular song came up in my playlist and it's had me thinking a lot lately. I don't know why I listen to music that makes me ruminate so hard on my existence. It just happens.

"Giver" is about that phase after what could be loosely termed a "spiritual awakening" (or a Dark Night of the Soul, more like....been through plenty of those), where you realize you've got to be different in some way. You've got to be better, or else you won't survive. But there's an insecurity that comes along with it, that you don't know how to be, that you're just going to fuck it up and it's not even worth trying. Maybe you treated others pretty shitty in the past. Or - just as bad - you've been selling yourself short. You start questioning your intentions, especially when you're trying to "make good" by being a kinder, more generous version of yourself. Or you have to fight falling back into old submissive patterns when you assert your needs and boundaries, because you immediately get pushback from those who were taking advantage of you. That's okay - keep going. That means the change is truly taking root. Because if you can't acknowledge that you were different in the past, have you really evolved? Maybe it's because of the experiences I've had, but I can always tell when someone is changing their behavior as a manipulation tactic. Perhaps it's because they become defensive when you point out their past bad behavior. If the shift was genuine, they'd be able to acknowledge and apologize for how they acted or the things they've said before. Otherwise, it's just gaslighting.

I'm learning to live

I'm trying to be better

I'm learning to give

But I don't know if I'm a giver

I don't know if I'm a giver

I don't know if I'm a giver

I got so much soul in my body

But no one keeping me honest

And whole days turn into holes in my mind

I got high hopes lots of potential

I'm high, broke, searching for symbols

And I will not let go of what is mine

This song, in particular, recently got under my skin because of something a tarot reader/social worker/counselor I follow on Twitter/Instagram, Jessica Dore, wrote for one of her daily draws. It was about gift giving as manipulation. I've always felt kind of uncomfortable with receiving gifts, because they always seemed to come with strings attached. As a result, I've always been fairly self-sufficient. If I want something, and I can afford it, I buy it. I don't need anyone to buy me anything and that's how I assert my freedom. No one owns me. And then it occurs to me - maybe the mere fact that I don't want to be owned means I can't be.

So what happens when you realize that you want gifts from certain people - especially people you feel you give a lot of time, energy, and care to - and you don't get them? I find myself saying "It's fine" a lot. And then I wonder if it's maybe my own fault - I've pretended that I'm this low-maintenance person who doesn't need or want to be spoiled for so long, people actually believed me? But asking for what I want feels burdensome and I fear that being honest about what I want will cause people to abandon me. (That's where the insecurity comes in.) Then I'm surprised when I feel depleted and resentful, because I'm still over-giving in hope that I receive a little bit in return, but it doesn't work that way. I would argue I have the opposite problem of K.Flay - I know how to give, I just don't know how to receive.

But that's part of the enlightenment and recovery. Realizing the person you pretended to be isn't who you are and navigating the obstacles you face trying to embody your authentic self. The scary thing, though, is that you will lose things along the way. Friends, lovers, addictions, coping methods, parts of your personality that you believed were "you" for so long. It's a shedding of everything that doesn't work anymore, if it ever really worked at all. The only thing to do is just trying to be that best version of yourself every day. Like K.Flay says in the song, you can't let go of what is yours.

"Giver" Video

"The Good That Won't Come Out" by Rilo Kiley

Rilo Kiley is one of my favorite bands. More music that got me through the toughest parts of my life (thus far). They broke up in 2011 (and I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who cared) but they still hold a special part of my heart. Rilo Kiley's music is very much like Lana Del Rey's, in that it can sound whimsical and chipper, but the lyrics tell a story that's so much deeper than the surface. Rilo Kiley was started by former child stars Jenny Lewis ("Troop Beverly Hills") and Blake Sennett ("Boy Meets World"). True to form, I was oddly attracted to Sennett's character, Joseph "Joey the Rat" Epstein, which is how I discovered Rilo Kiley. Chronic boy craziness had its advantages - I kinda miss it sometimes. "The Good That Won't Come Out" was the first Rilo Kiley song I'd ever heard and - while it's not my favorite ("Does He Love You?" wins that title) - I would certainly count it in a list of their Top 10 Greatest.

"The Good That Won't Come Out" is about mental illness - specifically depression and anxiety, especially among high-functioning individuals. It's a lament about how that, even if you want to do something about it, there's this fear that keeps you from seeking help. Even though you know it's keeping you from enjoying your life, keeping you from doing the things you love, preventing you from being there for the people you love, and stopping you from accomplishing your dreams. All the good that won't come out of you. Let's dissect it a little bit.

Oh, you're almost home

I've been waiting for you to come in

Dancing around in your old suits, going crazy in your room again

I think I'll go out and embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in the street

You say I choose sadness, that it never once has chosen me

Maybe you're right...

In the first verse, Jenny has been invited to meet up with friends and they get into a discussion about climate change. And she's struck by the futility because, while they're all claiming how concerned they are about it, they're not doing a damn thing to make it better. She wants to do better, she wants to be a better person, but she finds herself doing the same thing. A lot of outrage, not a lot of action. She's just watching things crumble around her but she can't bring herself to do something about it. Which leads us to our second verse.

She knows there is something wrong with her. Otherwise, she wouldn't be so miserable....but she won't go to a psychologist/psychiatrist. Because then she'd have to face the things that are causing her to be so miserable, including the things that are her fault. There's nothing more infuriating/disappointing than knowing the biggest obstacle holding you back is your own insecurities and fears. Besides that, in order to get better, she'd have to allow herself to become vulnerable to someone, even if it's just a medical professional. And that's scary for a lot of people. Letting someone in that far, allowing them to see those ugly bits, means they have all the ammunition they need to hurt you. Really hurt you. And you just have to trust that they won't. Very few people have ever experienced that level of trust. People think they have, but they haven't. There are people who go to therapy every week and they talk, but they don't really say anything. Then they stop going because it's not working. How could it? They didn't even try.

The bridge is my favorite part, though. She's in a conversation with someone - the person she's singing to - perhaps a lover, perhaps a friend. The talking is therapeutic for her and she's getting close to a few breakthroughs. She's allowing herself to be vulnerable. And that's what she wanted ("I've been waiting for you to come in"). But then she goes back to her same old self-destructive habits and pushes the person away. The killing blow, though, is when the person says that she's choosing to be sad, in the face of all the good things in her life. And a final, reluctant admission - maybe there's an uncomfortable truth to that. In the last verse, she starts thinking of her other friends, friends that never recovered from their depression, some of whom committed suicide ("all our friends who lost the war"), and she's at a crossroads. Let this person - who cares about her enough to try and break down her walls - walk away. And, thus, truly be lost. Or admit she needs help and actually follow through this time.

"You say I choose sadness, that it never once has chosen me...." That line has stuck with me for the past decade and a half. This can mean many things - choosing to stay in situations we know make us unhappy, choosing to think badly of ourselves, choosing to not stand up for our own needs and boundaries. It seems inevitable - because we've convinced ourselves this is just who we are - but it doesn't have to be. Thoughts are a choice, feelings are a choice. It may not seem like it in the moment, but they are. And it takes a long time and a lot of hard work to transform them into something more positive, something akin to happiness, but it's worth it. You just have to get over the fear and try. It may take a couple of tries, to be honest. I feel like it's Millennial Culture to compare our misery - my childhood was sadder than yours, I'm more broke than you, I've sacrificed more, et cetera. And then we wonder why our generation's drug use, depression, and suicide rates have sky-rocketed. I'm not saying life isn't hard - it is. But we don't have to see it that way. And we certainly don't have to accept misery as our permanent reality. Just let someone in.

"The Good That Won't Come Out" Video

July Theme: "Ladies' Choice"

For July, I wanted to work on some projects I've been avoiding for a while so, instead of pushing myself to follow a theme and exerting extra brain power searching for songs that fit a vision, this month is going to be mostly random choices. There probably won't be too many rants, either, as I'm going to try to keep things short. I only have so much writing time in a day, unfortunately.

To be honest, June felt extra heavy for some reason. I was feeling unappreciated, unloved, uninspired - just a lot of "uns" in general. And, while I'd like to say I'm feeling better, the fact is that in July, I still feel all the feels, I just have more energy and motivation to be....mean. I've still got a lot of righteous anger and I'm ready to burn a few bridges, if necessary. But for now, I'm trying to fly under the radar because, occasionally, the pain subsides and the rage passes. It is, indeed, Cancer season - in honor of my birthday month, I've been dipping into the Cancer playlist curated by Spotify and I've found some gems. Some of the songs hit a little bit too hard but that's why I like them. The artists have put the intensity I'm feeling into the words I couldn't find. I'm still trying to find them. While I do that, there's plenty of darkness I have left to transmute.

For fun, I scoured the internet for a truly Cancerean quote. Naturally, it came from Pablo Neruda, a poet known for his love sonnets: “If nothing saves us from death, at least love should save us from life.”

I also scoured the internet for Cancer memes - there were a lot, mostly involving Sailor Moon (the show was highly astrology based - all the Scouts were based on their planetary ruler. Sailor Moon was a Cancer, Sailor Mercury was a Virgo, Sailor Mars was an Aries, etc.) Sharing a few to lighten the mood.