"Bloody Valentine" by Machine Gun Kelly

Happy Thanksgiving! Thought I'd do a short post for the holiday, since it's been a couple days. Another somethin' somethin' that showed up on my YouTube recommendations. Kinda obsessed with this song lately. Really, just obsessed with MGK's work in general. His early works were mostly rap but his latest album, Tickets to My Downfall, takes a turn towards the pop punk genre and "Bloody Valentine" is in that vein. As a 90s kid, I grew up during the second wave of the pop punk resurgence. A fact that becomes more and more obvious as I progress through "Dawson's Creek." Holy shit! I forgot how magnificent and diverse 90s music was. Every episode I watch has at least one or two songs I have to Shazam or look up on google. At some point, I'm going to write an entire thesis paper on how the 90s, more than any other decade in history, has shaped the musical landscape of the new millennium (which I'll call the Age of Aquarius, just for the hell of it).

The simulation just went bad

But you're the best I ever had

Like hand prints in wet cement

She touched me it's permanent

"Bloody Valentine" is the first single on MGK's latest album and was released with the music video in May 2020. Fun fact: Speaking of 90s music, Blink 182 alumnus, Travis Barker, is credited as writer, drummer and producer for the song and also performs on the acoustic version, which is also great. The lyrics are pretty straightforward. Urban Dictionary defines a "bloody valentine" as confessing your true feelings to someone only to be rejected, usually on Valentine's Day. I didn't even know that was a term. The younger generations are so linguistically creative, it's amazing. However, I don't think that accurately describes the situation in the song. Based on the lyrics, it sounds like MGK engaged in a one-night stand with someone he actually liked. Big mistake. Huge. Rumor has it this song is about Megan Fox, who he met on the set of "Midnight in the Switchgrass," a movie they were filming together. The then-married Fox also starred in the video for "Bloody Valentine." Megan Fox separated from her husband May. Shortly after, she and MGK started dating. Almost immediately she started spouting some crazy bullshit about them being destined for each other. And, as of today, she filed for divorce from Brian Austin Green. Their relationship is moving at alarming speed.

I don't do fake love, but I'll take some from you tonight

I know I've got to go but I might just miss the flight

I can't stay forever, let's play pretend

And treat this night like it'll happen again

You'll be my bloody valentine tonight

Anyway, let's talk a little bit about Megan Fox, because I finally got to the seasons in "New Girl" where she was a regular guest star. I both love to look at her and would love to look like her. Which is exactly how they explained to Nick how to know if another guy is attractive - if you wouldn't mind looking like someone, they are attractive. I have mad respect for Fox, because the film industry has not been kind to her. It's easy to paint really beautiful women as cold, callous bitches, but in every interview where they've asked about her experiences, she's handled it with grace and dignity. Industry sexism nearly destroyed her career but she's making a comeback. She looks amazing after having three boys and seems like a really good mom. She's awesome and I hope she's not being sucked in by a narcissist, because that's what it seems like. A bunch of the psychologists I watch recently did videos on how narcissists often use the "you're my soul mate" card to manipulate people to let down their guard and then later, to justify treating them poorly. It's sad, because it preys upon our most pressing, primal desire - to be understood, to be special, to be loved. I'm not saying I don't believe in soul mates. I do. I just don't think the Universe would permanently connect a person to someone who hurts them.

In my head in my head

I'm laying naked with you, yeah

In my head, in my head

I'm ready to die holding your hand

Feeling pretty good lately. I made The Husband pot roast for Thanksgiving dinner and it turned out well. My doctor gave me the all clear to start running and I'm happy to say I can still jog at a moderate pace for 20 minutes, even after a 6-month break. "Bloody Valentine," being pop punk, makes an excellent running song. And I'm super excited to return to work soon, as is my boss. Insomnia has made it difficult to return to my normal schedule but hopefully that will get better once I start working again. The video features Megan Fox dancing half-naked around an empty house - Enjoy!

"Bloody Valentine" Video

"Snuff" by Slipknot

So, I caved and joined Reddit. Initially, it was to share any notable Randonauting experiences I had but I found myself quickly jumping into conversations in the witchcraft, tarot, and astrology subreddits. I've learned two things - 1. Maybe I actually know a little something about these topics and 2. Too many people want to use witchcraft/tarot/astrology for things that require either therapy, communication, or both. Yes, spirituality and New Age concepts can be powerful tools for cultivating self-awareness and enhancing one's quality of life but you still need to do the work - the "work" being analyzing your subconscious programming and patterns and using the knowledge to actively change your behavior for the better. I've also been hanging around the music and writing subreddits for inspiration. I've been working on a short story (eh...more of a novella) inspired by "Horror of Our Love," tentatively titled "The Beast of South Boston." Apparently, the genre I gravitate towards writing is Horror/Paranormal Romance, so I've been looking for music that inspires that kind of vibe. Naturally, I found my way into a lot of Heavy Metal, which is how I ended up revisiting the collected works of Slipknot. And for the record, I find that the singers of metal bands often have the most lovely singing voices. David Draiman, Trent Reznor, Jonathan Davis, Chester Bennington, Corey Taylor - all very talented vocalists and among some of my favorites.

Bury all your secrets in my skin

Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins

The air around me still feels like a cage

And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again

So if you love me let me go

And run away before I know

My heart is just too dark to care

I can't destroy what isn't there

Deliver me into my fate

If I'm alone I cannot hate

I don't deserve to have you

Ooh, my smile was taken long ago

If I can change I hope I never know

Let's talk about these lyrics a bit, because they are intense. That's another thing to love about metal - a lot of the lyrics are beautifully poetic and fraught with meaning, in a way you don't normally see in other genres. "Snuff" exposes the vulnerability of someone's darkest thoughts. The plot is straightforward. From what I gathered, it sounds like the singer fucked up a relationship with someone he really loved and now he's angry she walked away. The song starts with his inner thoughts, which are super negative. He doesn't deserve her, she needs to leave him before he destroys her, he has a dark heart, and he doesn't care (except he does care...a whole lot), blah, blah, blah. He ends up pushing her away - however that looks like in his patterning. Depending on what core wounds he's operating from, this could manifest as addictions, withdrawal, or abusive behaviors. And, contrary to what some societal beliefs about love say, people don't have to stick around for that bullshit. In fact, it's unhealthy if they do. That's not love, that's trauma bonding. People who don't love you can stay forever (often because the relationship fulfills some need) and people who love you a lot may leave (because they love themselves enough to know enabling your destructive patterns is not good for you or for them). It may be counterintuitive but sometimes the most loving thing a person can do is leave. Alternatively, the most destructive thing they can do is stay. Unfortunately, leaving can make someone see you as the "bad guy," which is what happens at the end of "Snuff." Instead of taking the loss of a loved one as a sign to examine his own destructive patterns, he becomes angry that she left to "save [herself]," just like everyone else in his life. Clearly, he's not doing the work.

I still press your letters to my lips

And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss

I couldn't face a life without your lights

But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight

So save your breath, I will not care

I think I made it very clear

You couldn't hate enough to love

Is that supposed to be enough?

I only wish you weren't my friend

Then I could hurt you in the end

I never claimed to be a saint

Ooh, my own was banished long ago

It took the death of hope to let you go

Based on what I could find regarding the meaning of the lyrics, Slipknot vocalist Corey Taylor wrote it about a relationship that ended because of his self-destructive habits (drug/alcohol addiction fueled by depression and suicidal ideation). At the time, he was disappointed because she didn't stay with him, but it ultimately motivated him to do better for himself. Taylor still struggled with addiction throughout his life but as of late, he's succeeded in staying sober. I came across a piece of Internet wisdom I really resonated with recently (the person might have said it came from their therapist but I can't remember). Fear of rejection is fueled by the underlying belief you don't deserve what you want and fear of abandonment is the belief that you don't deserve to keep it. These two underlying beliefs often lead to self-sabotage. If you don't believe yourself worthy and deserving of good things, your subconscious will motivate you to ruin positive situations in your life. Alternatively, you may hold on to toxic/destructive situations because they are confirming your subconscious beliefs that you deserve bad things in your life. Your behaviors fuel self-fulfilling prophesies. Unfortunately, most people are so ingrained with these beliefs due to societal conditioning and generational trauma that they can't get off the hamster wheel without help. That's not a bad thing. It's not a bad thing to want to be better, but you have to take tangible steps to change.

And I won't listen to your shame

You ran away, you're all the same

Angels lie to keep control

Ooh, my love was punished long ago

If you still care don't ever let me know

If you still care don't ever let me know

I had my first counseling session yesterday. I almost cancelled it because I was feeling better (more self-sabotage). Not much better but good enough to cope on my own. I think I was mainly nervous about sharing personal things with a stranger and I was developing unconscious stories (I don't have time, it's not worth the money, I'm coping fine on my own) to justify cancelling. However, talking to someone neutral about thoughts and feelings I've been holding onto for what feels like decades felt amazing. I like the therapist they paired me up with - she's nice and we're in the same stage of life, so she understands some of the pressures I'm under. After a lot of shadow work, I'm hyper-aware of my own self-destructive patterns and subconscious programming. However, the changes I need to make seem scary and overwhelming. I know in theory that I deserve a happy, fulfilling life - believing that I deserve it and advocating for my own happiness (because I'm unskilled at prioritizing myself) is another story. I really noticed yesterday how difficult it is for me to voice my anger, resentment, disappointment, and hurt. My counselor had to affirm several times that it's okay for me to admit someone's actions hurt me, because that's my reality. In many ways, I still find myself apologizing for just being human. For giving everything I have to others and still feeling like it isn't enough. It's weird and scary, to take my own advice for once. I'm wired to take care of other people - I like it, it makes me happy - but I don't expect others to take care of me. And my life reflects it. My own self-fulfilling prophesy.

"Snuff" gets it's name from the genre of film where real murders are filmed. Naturally, the music video was shot like a psychological thriller - with a twist ending. The band's percussionist, Shawn Crahan, co-directed the video and included a cameo by British film actor Malcolm McDowell. For dramatic purposes, the music cuts out during the third verse, which is a music video editing tactic that really annoys me, especially when the song is this good. Highly recommend looking for the uncut version of the song to enjoy it uninterrupted.

"Snuff" Video

"Wreck of the Day" by Anna Nalick

"Wreck of the Day" is the title track for Anna Nalick's debut album. An album which, like Matchbox 20's "More Than You Think You Are" and My Chemical Romance's early works, was perpetually on repeat on my Walkman. Yes, I still had a Walkman in 2005 - technology has morphed radically in the past 15 years. I'd feel old if I didn't also still feel so young. Anna Nalick's music, at this point in time, had a unique talent of capturing difficult feelings and experiences (both positive and negative) while also reviving the spirit of 90s female singer-songwriters. Female solo artists in recent years have veered decidedly towards Pop and R&B. I'm not sure if the likes of Anna Nalick and Michelle Branch would've been as successful if they debuted now. Given the success of T-Swift's latest album, "Folklore," there's a good chance this style could be making a comeback. But it's all just going in cycles now, anyway - isn't it? The Matrix is stuck in a loop.

Hopeless Romantics view the world through a revisionist lens. Maybe it's because I've seen so many movies and read so many books, I feel intuitively how the "story" should go. I think all writers have that sense. Wandering through life, in a world with multitudes of plot holes, extraneous exposition, shitty dialogue, and poorly drawn characters. It's maddening for writers, which might be why so many of them were dependent on alcohol at some point in their life. For reasons I can't fully explain - even to myself - I'm watching "Dawson's Creek." I got it in my head that I wanted to watch the show, because I never watched it when it was on TV, and as luck would have it, Netflix added it to streaming the same day I decided to search for it. The Universe works in mysterious ways. Anyway, Dawson is an aspiring filmmaker and the most hopeless of the most hopeless romantics. On one hand, I identify with his sensibilities completely; on the other hand, I can't help but think him a little foolish, delusional, and completely out of touch with what love is really about. Especially when the fantasy is gone and cold, cruel reality sinks in, looking back on the ruins of your romantic notions leaves you shattered. Press play on "Wreck of the Day." 

Driving away from the wreck of the day

And the light's always red in the rear-view.

Desperately close to a coffin of hope

I'd cheat destiny just to be near you.

"Wreck of the Day" goes over the thoughts Anna Nalick was struggling with after a failed relationship. A common theme in her work and another universally understood experience. Looking over what happened, from start to finish, and remembering how naïve and foolish you were, because you should've known better. Feeling stupid for letting your defenses down. And feeling pathetic for wishing desperately things could be different, because for some reason, after all the hurt, you still want to be with this person. That is my favorite lyric: I'd cheat Destiny just to be near you. I find it poetic. I mean, all lyrics are technically poetry but this particular lyric appeals to my writerly sense of drama. In addition to all those things you're telling yourself, there's also so many things you want to say to the other person. But it's over now. And you're exhausted from even trying. The entire tenor of the song is one of resignation and acceptance. Surrender. Things happened the way they happened, you can't change it, and all you can do is move on gracefully.

Driving away from the wreck of the day

And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus.

'Cause love doesn't hurt, so I know I'm not fallin' in love

I'm just fallin' to pieces

I'm feeling better, a little closer to normal, although my expectations of "better" are somewhat lowered. My definition of a good day is only crying once and being able to keep it to myself instead of bursting into tears in front of my children (or crying on the baby, a common occurrence when I was trying to make nursing work). Luckily, the thing that really triggers the tears is working through the CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) exercises in a PPD workbook I bought, so I'm able to kill two birds with one stone. There's a hollow feeling where my heart should be. Like somebody put a shotgun to my chest and pulled the trigger. I imagine that would leave a pretty big hole but I'm not exactly sure how shotguns work - I'm not the type of girl who knows jack shit about guns, really, but I like the aesthetic. Regardless, I'm learning to ignore it. I've regained my ability to consider things with my usual dark humor. And for once, I'm able to say all my clever thoughts in a perfect deadpan voice. When I'm happy, I have a tendency to laugh at my own jokes, which is super uncool.

And maybe I'm not off of being a victim of love

All my resistance will never be distance enough

I've been trying to do things that make me feel more like myself when I have some precious free time. Like watching a lot of "New Girl" and indie films starring Daniel Radcliffe (no idea why - I guess I like his face), saving way too many Pride & Prejudice memes on Pinterest, searching for new music, and reading constantly. Now that my incision is mostly healed, I've been trying to go on walks. Sometimes alone, sometimes with my oldest so he can get some baby-free Mommy Time. I downloaded the Randonautica app, so I can explore more of my neighborhood while actively trying to alter the fabric of Space-Time. The app calculates quantum blind spots (in addition to other things). A quantum blind spot is a location you wouldn't ever end up in due to causally linked forces - i.e., places you would never logically go for any reason in your life. The theory goes that, by being someplace you were never supposed to be, you can alter the timeline. I figure it couldn't hurt to try. To add to things, the app encourages thinking of an intention when you go on your adventure. Encouraging people to start a conversation with the Universe. Don't worry - it's only fucking around if I don't take notes. And I love taking notes.

Happy Full Moon in Scorpio! Jupiter and Pluto just met in an exact conjunction for the last time and Jupiter will, finally, be leaving the hellscape of Capricorn soon enough. 

"Wreck of the Day" Video

"Glycerine" by Bush

Continuing on our melancholic mystery tour (see what I did there?), we're going to examine a staple of sad 90s alternative ballads. Long story short - it's a metaphor. Gavin Rossdale wrote "Glycerine" for long-time girlfriend, model Jasmine Lewis. They were together for five years but ended it in the mid-90s. To hear him tell it, it was a good relationship but it became strained when Bush started to gain notoriety and Rossdale was on the road a lot. The long-distance wasn't working and they decided to go their separate ways. Rossdale has been straightforward about what the lyrics mean - Love is like a bomb. Glycerine, in most situations, is a fairly nonvolatile and useful substance. However, when combined with the right ingredients, it is explosive. That's the metaphor. Something that is safe and stable can, under certain circumstances, blow up in your face. Which is why you have to be careful. 

Must be your skin that I'm sinking in

Must be for real 'cause now I can feel

And I didn't mind

It's not my kind

It's not my time to wonder why

Everything's gone white

And everything's grey

Now you're here now you're away

I don't want this

Remember that

I'll never forget where you're at

The lyrics comprise a sort of postmortem of Rossdale's breakup with Lewis. He clearly didn't want it to end and it sounds as if he's telling trying to tell her what he was feeling. The long-distance was hard for him, too. I think when a good relationship completely breaks down, it is because something very important wasn't communicated. Usually feelings. One person feels taken for granted but acts like everything is fine. Another person doesn't want to show how invested they are, so they "play it cool" and act distant. The road to heartbreak is paved with words unsaid. Without communication, people fill in the silence with their own narrative, which is usually (but not always) completely wrong and reflects the worst of their insecurities/fears. 

I needed you more

You wanted us less

I could not kiss just regress

It might just be

Clear simple and plain

That's just fine

That's just one of my names

Don't let the days go by

Could've been easier on you, you, you

I had a long pop culture rant but it sounded ridiculous and unrelated, so I deleted it. Everything I think sounds ridiculous and unrelated (and delusional, at times) lately. I try to keep most of the crazy confined to my journal so I can save some of the actually smart/thoughtful stuff for here. I'm not sure I have any of that stuff left, to be honest. To quote Nick Miller from "New Girl," my brain feels like spaghetti. The dialogue on that show is truly ace.

The video for "Glycerine" evokes the idea, for me, of memories. Of course, you have Gavin Rossdale playing guitar and looking tortured. That's all good. But then you have these less focused shots of a woman in a bare apartment interspersed with the musical scenes. I love the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." In it, two people, Joel and Clementine, erase their relationship with each other from their memory using new technology. In the film, the audience sees the memories from Joel's perspective as their being erased. At some point, Joel realizes he doesn't really want to forget. I find myself replaying certain memories and I don't know why because it hurts intensely. I just realized today that I'm replaying them so I don't lose them. And that's probably why they are so clear.

Also, it fucking pisses me off that this song uses the British spelling. Just thought I'd throw that out there, just in case anyone else felt the same. You're not alone.

"Glycerine" Music Video

"Heartbeats" by The Knife (as covered by Jose Gonzalez)

I downloaded the original version of this song by Swedish electropop duo, The Knife, in a free mix from some music website about 10 years ago. Legally free music was actually quite easy to find back in the day but these mixes were always kind of a crapshoot. I, of course, wanted to like everything I found. But even I have limits (overextended and nebulous as they may be). "Heartbeats" was one of those rare gems I liked from the beginning. Catchy, upbeat but with lyrics that were surprisingly pensive. The original is also a really good running song. Electropop in general is good for cardio. "Heartbeats" has a slow tempo and steady rhythm that is excellent for cool down periods. Also, you gotta love any song that includes liberal use of the marimba. I'm pretty sure it's the law.

One night to be confused

One night to speed up truth

We had a promise made

Four hands and then away

Both under influence

We had divine sense

To know what to say

Mind is a razor blade

The Jose Gonzalez version is a bit of an indie darling and a go-to soundtrack staple for melancholic independent romances and poignant moments in dramatic television shows. Listen for something like it whenever the protagonist is missing his Manic Pixie Dream Girl, because he did or said something stupid. Bonus points if he's using the time to pursue his lost passion as the script beats a crescendo into a dramatic romantic gesture. It's easily one of those songs that has been pushed to the point of overuse in popular media, from commercials to film and TV, and most people don't even realize it. You have definitely heard this song if you've seen the following movies or TV shows:  Scrubs; Bones; The Blacklist; This is Us; Superstore; Donkey Punch; Everything, Everything; and One Tree Hill. There's probably more and there will be more. The sentiment it expresses is universal and this interpretation exemplifies the virtues of the indie acoustic genre. Gentle, honest, and folksy - just how all songs about heartbreak should be....well, when they aren't dark, cryptic, and don't have a totally necessary violin solo. You read that right. Totally necessary. Always.

And you, you knew the hands of the devil

And you, kept us awake with wolfs teeth

Sharing different heartbeats

In one night

To call for hands of above

To lean on

Wouldn't be good enough

For me, no

"Heartbeats" is about a short-lived relationship and it calls to mind a particular indie film. Screened's series "What's the point of a Doomed Romance?" did a lovely video essay on "Lost in Translation." This film goes over the few short days the two characters have to connect before they have to go their separate ways. Both Bob and Charlotte are feeling lost - literally lost and confused in the foreign country (Japan) they find themselves stuck in and metaphorically lost in life. They don't know what they want, they don't know what to do next, and they don't know how to get unstuck. They are reaching out for a lifeline when they find each other and form an emotional bond. When it ends, they both know they will need to get their shit together and make some hard decisions about the direction they want to go. For the span of the film, however, the relationship is a refuge. It relieves them from some of the pain they've been feeling. It makes them feel seen, heard, and understood, for the first time in a long time. And during that reprieve from real life, Bob and Charlotte are able to clearly understand what it is they're missing. "Heartbeats" is about a similar experience - two people jumping full force into a connection. A connection that just flows, where nothing they say to each other is stupid and the two people in it feel alive. And then the weight of uncertainty settles in. Will it go anywhere? Can it go anywhere? Or is it destined to be just this beautiful, fleeting thing? The song captures a moment so rare and magical, people only experience it once, if at all. 

COVID Update:  Feeling a little better. The scary stuff - feeling completely disconnected from my children; feeling helpless and inadequate at doing anything; irrational fears about miscarrying, having a stillbirth, or dying in childbirth; being afraid I was hurting my baby by being utterly incompetent as a mother - seems to have passed. Still struggling with a lot of guilt, especially guilt about not asking for help earlier. I wonder if things would've gone better. I have an aching feeling they would have but I have a bad habit of thinking I can handle things perfectly well on my own, even when I can feel myself drowning. Is it pride? Maybe. But it's probably more about self-preservation. A false belief that if I don't need or want anything from anyone, that makes me a good person. Essentially, as long as I martyr myself, everyone else will be okay, which means that I'll be okay. Nothing and no one can hurt me. To be honest, I think it took so long to decide to get counseling because being depressed this time didn't really feel abnormal. It just felt like what I've been dealing with my whole life and, like with most people, it took a real crisis for me to recognize I can't keep handling this by myself.

Along with normal talk therapy, I've fallen down the rabbit hole of Attachment Theory on YouTube. I learned I have a Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant attachment type, which is a mashup of all the insecure attachment types and is typical for people with abusive/neglectful/traumatic childhoods. I am Harlow's Monkey. I linked a brief video explaining that reference, because I currently have neither the energy nor the patience to explain even the basics of those experiments. The gist is people given conflicting messages about care and love - for example, getting their basic needs met but being treated coldly, without affection or even with clear abuse - grow up with equally conflicted reactions to love and intimacy. They desperately crave it and yet get scared and/or detached when they're receiving it. This leads to hot/cold behavior and a tendency to either be averse to commitment or staying in shallow, unfulfilling (and - in extreme cases - toxic or abusive) relationships for much longer than is healthy. And that's why I got a psychology degree - to psychoanalyze myself...yet I still ended up having to go to therapy. I do find it fascinating. It's interesting to connect the dots and understand how all these psychological theories fit together to create a unique psyche and how coping/defense mechanisms arose to protect it. No less fascinating is diving into the counseling methodologies that have been developed to help rebuild a person when mental crisis hits. As someone who was very into self-help books and personal development from an early age, I think learning how therapy works is equally as helpful as the therapy itself, simply because it's not affordable for everyone to get help from a professional. A lot of people only have YouTube videos to understand what they are going through and what they need to do to get better. People do what they can. I'm so lucky to have options I do.

Sharing both The Knife version and the Jose Gonzalez version, because they are so different from each other. It's always a nice surprise to find a cover of a song done in a disparate style that is able to show a new aspect of the lyrics. Enjoy!

Jose Gonzalez version

The Knife version

"Photograph" by Ed Sheeran

I've been struggling for the past couple of weeks, since the baby was born. Apparently, postpartum depression (PPD) can start while you're still pregnant, which puts everything I was feeling since last February in perspective. Things I thought I was managing well became absolutely unbearable in those first few days in the hospital (and further exacerbated by the strict COVID precautions). Then we had some trouble with my newborn losing weight and I was genuinely scared they weren't going to release us. Since then, I've just been feeling so guilty and disconnected, it's been hard to take care of myself. My doctor prescribed some medication - I'm debating whether or not I should take them. I know medication can work, but it's only one piece of the puzzle. Part of me says I should just white-knuckle through and try to manage with just therapy, because I've been through tough times before and I've never needed medication. And I know how sideways things can go when someone is prescribed the wrong psychotropic drug. I'm not sure that's a risk I want to take. I'm not convinced OB/GYNs know enough about perinatal psychiatry to go around writing prescriptions. Some days, I have good moments. Moments, mind you. Not full days yet. I just want to feel happy again. I should feel happier.

Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes

But it's the only thing that I know

When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes

It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

We keep this love in a photograph

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing

Hearts are never broken

And time's forever frozen still

True to form, I've been trying to cheer myself up by watching and reading romantic stories. I'm rereading "Pride & Prejudice" for the 5th time in my life and even deigned to watch the Kiera Knightly film adaptation (which, aside from the historical costuming inaccuracies, really isn't that bad - I've watched it twice in the past few months). I've also been consumed by the book "Me Before You" and its subsequent film adaptation, for which "Photograph" was used in the trailer. From the beginning, it's a doomed romance. A woman is hired to be a companion for a quadriplegic who wants to die. His family is trying to change his mind, of course, and that's part of the reason they bring on Louisa. To convince him there are still things worth living for, even if it's not the life he wanted. Louisa falls in love with him, despite knowing he has a date with an assisted suicide clinic. There's a bit of this childish hope in Louisa, clinging to a belief that "Love conquers all." When Will ultimately chooses to go through with his plan, it's not because he doesn't love Louisa. He does. But he wants her to have a life he can't give her (which she honestly doesn't care about - she's willing to make it work). He still wants a life he'll never have again. Even though she doesn't agree with it, Lou chooses to be with him in his last moments. And I think that's what characterizes a doomed romance the most. There's a moment where the characters have a choice between the destined path and the interpreted path. They both have to choose the destined path to get a chance at the fairytale happy ending. To quote Leo in "Titanic," "if you jump, I jump." In a doomed romance, they choose opposite paths - i.e., one or both choose the interpreted path - which takes them apart. Not to be mistaken with the Tragic Romance, in which they both choose the Destined Path but are torn apart by external forces (i.e., Romeo & Juliet, Titanic, Tristan & Isolde). Will Trainor didn't have to die, he chose to die, even when presented with a happy alternative life with Louisa.

The reason Will Trainor gives for going through with his original decision is something most of us don't want to hear - Love isn't enough. Sometimes it's not enough to keep going, it's not enough to stay, it's not enough to change someone's mind, it's not enough to make people change. It's not enough to stop Death or cure illness (physical or mental) or fix past mistakes. And this hurts because, deep in our hearts, we believe something as powerful as Love should be able to do all that. The question a Doomed Romance presents us is - if you knew from the start things would end this way, would you still have fallen in love? I've been watching a YouTube series by Screened which examines the question "what is the point of a doomed romance?" through the analysis of several excellent films. The main "point" of these romances, according to Screened, is for the inner growth of the main character. The relationship and its subsequent failure(s) serves to awaken something in the protagonist. In "500 Days of Summer," Tom was idealizing his relationship with Summer to avoid the very real lack of purpose in his life. In "Lost in Translation," both characters are lacking deep connections in their lives. In "Me Before You," Louisa was playing it safe - in love and life - out of fear of being hurt again. The point is these characters get a renewed outlook on life - they come out of the doomed romance wiser, braver, and stronger than they were before. The romance becomes a vehicle for personal growth in these stories.

When I'm away, I will remember how you kissed me

Under the lamppost back on Sixth street

Hearing you whisper through the phone,

"Wait for me to come home"

None of this has anything to do with the song, of course. Ed Sheeran has two types of songs - catchy pop love songs and songs that sound like they were specifically written for people to choose as their wedding song. Even when he collaborates, he follows this basic pattern. "Photograph" fits in the latter category, as you may have guessed. I like to play it when I'm feeding the baby, when I'm not singing to him. This song, right now, makes me cry a lot. I don't know why. Probably because it's fucking Ed Sheeran. The song is about staying connected during a long-distance relationship. Or I suppose it's applicable whenever you have to be away from someone and you only have a photograph to remember them by. 

"Photograph" Video

"Dance Me to the End of Love" by The Civil Wars

This will probably be my last post for a while. For at least a couple weeks while I'm on maternity leave. Today is Baby Brother's birthday. As such, I've decided to share one of his favorite songs to listen to on the Belly Buds. I expect he'll be one of those kids who loves Halloween, judging by his music taste and astrological placements (that Mercury in Scorpio and very close to being a Scorpio Rising....depends if things happen on time). I have a feeling he and his brother are going to be as different as Night and Day. Luckily, I like to think I'm a mixture of both so it'll be fun.

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin

Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in

Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love

Oh, let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone

Let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon

Show me slowly what I only know the limits of

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on

Dance me very tenderly and dance me very long

We're both of us beneath our love, we're both of us above

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love

I love The Civil Wars. Every one of their songs is imbued with that Southern Gothic spookiness I adore so much. Even the love songs. Especially the love songs. This particular one showed up in a listening session that included The Decemberists and The Jane Austen Argument. I feel it fits someone with a mixture of Libra and Scorpio placements. This kid is going to be quite the character. It's a cover of a Leonard Cohen song (another favorite), which The Civil Wars turned into a duet. I love duets and, in this interpretation, it works very well. They cut it short, though, ending it before the last two verses. Since it's so short, I included all the lyrics this in this post. Enjoy!

"Dance Me to the End of Love" Video